A Wedding and a Funeral

"Me? He's got a girlfriend, he was looking at me a lot, but I thought he was nervous."

"Well he might have a girlfriend, but that never stopped a man from window shopping, what're you doing this coming Saturday during the day?"

"The twenty fourth? Nothing until Saturday night but I can cancel the young adults thing."

"I need to take you up to Saoirse's dressmaker to get measured for your dress, and afterwards you could come back home, but if you have to cancel your group?"

"It's cool," I reassured her, "I can cancel youth group."

Little did I know it, but that casual arrangement would have far-reaching consequences.

***

When I was cramming for my Year-Twelve exams the school let us study at home part-time. I leapt at the chance because it meant I didn't have to wear school uniform and I could have the telly on in the background. Granted, there weren't many good shows, and I was studying, so I needed to focus. Most of the time it was just background noise, but one of the shows that caught my eye was a home improvement show. The show followed a few 'clients' as they bought houses on auction and then fixed them up. There were no cash prizes, but it was clear that the people featured made a tidy profit when their respective houses were finished.

Later on, I realised it was all froth and bubble. The show was aimed at people already on the ladder, but they're getting thin on the ground. The vast majority will never own a house, thanks to greedy property developers, real estate agents, negative gearing and Capital Gains Tax. However, it did make me appreciate the work that goes into renovating a house and property, so I guess it had some benefits.

That show sprang to mind when Annalisa took me up to Robyn's workshop, located at the top of Mount Dandenong in a beautiful two-storey mud-brick house. The view from the verandah at the rear of the house was absolutely breathtaking. You could see all the way to the CBD, a blue haze to the west. The verandah wrapped around the house, and just above it at the rear were two balconies attached to a bedroom and office. The interior walls were made of split logs and the living room was massive. A U-shaped walkway overlooked the room, and to get to the first floor you used one of two staircases, a massive open fire was at the far end of the room. Robyn led us down a spiral staircase to the basement level where one of the workshops was located, there was another on the first floor.

Robyn was in her late thirties but her partner, Penny, was in her mid-forties. She struck me as being a level-headed woman who'd worked her way up. The house belonged to Penny, but I suspected that the two had come to some sort of arrangement, after all, gay marriages were as common as dirt. The two had been together for fifteen years, and, Robyn had been a born again Christian when she hooked up with Penny. They'd met at Penny's family law practice in Kilsyth.

"I was a Baptist I s'pose," she wrote down another measurement, "but it was a community church with no affiliation to the Baptist Union, but they believe in full immersion, so I guess they have a bit in common."

"I'm in the Uniting, but dad was a Baptist, now he's with the happy clappy crowd."

"The crazies," Robyn smirked as she took my hip to leg measurement, "never was tempted by them but I've known a few people who came out of the Pentecostals and Charismatics."

"What happened to them?" I asked a minute later as she wrote down the last measurement.

"Some went to churches that were less crazy, others went back to drugs or alcohol and a few were actually gay, but they'd tried to cure themselves," she glanced over at Annalisa.

"Sounds like something out of Texas," she smirked.

The conversation moved onto other matters as I went through the other folders in the small sitting room. She had dozens and dozens of folders and by the time I left half an hour later we'd signed onto one of her plans, $1,500 per quarter for five items or outfits per month. We both got a starters' bonus of five extra items. I ordered two silk double-breasted blouses in white and red, a red satin pussybow blouse with gold chains emblazoned on it, a satin pussybow blouse in royal blue, a cream satin tie blouse with a matching tie and silk-covered buttons, a white blouse with a princess collar, a red mid-length dress, and grey trousers with a side zipper. I could order the same amount or more over the next three months.

"I like her," Annalisa commented as we drove through Olinda, "she's got style and even though she lives in an expensive house she's not a snob."

I had to admit she was right, but I was also moved by the atmosphere. Penny had arrived home just as we were about to leave, and seeing the way they were with each other made me think more and more about my own relationship with Nathan. We weren't even on the starting blocks, and already I was trying to find excuses to not see him.

The relationship stabilised somewhat, but as spring rolled on towards summer I was finding myself caught between two opposing worlds. The first was the church, and by extension, my faith that said homosexual relationships were sinful. Granted, the Uniting Church isn't as homophobic as a lot of other churches, they talk about hating the sin, but loving the sinner. I loved the youth group because I was older than the kids and had some kind of authority, but the Young Adults group Nathan and I went to every Saturday night was a different environment.

The other world was Annalisa's and Emma's, which believed in same sex marriage and equality of the sexes. I worked with atheists and agnostics and they were as happy as Christians. Annalisa was now a firm friend, she and Rachel came for dinner a week before the wedding, November 26th. I was supposed to go to the Young Adults group, but cancelled it. I wasn't surprised when Nathan 'dropped in,' about 9:30.

Imagine his surprise at seeing two lesbians chatting happily to mum and Stan, while I sat listening to them. To make matters worse, I didn't offer to take him to the kitchen for privacy, I merely gave him a cup of coffee and returned to the living room. Soon, the subject of clothes was raised, over the last two months I'd bought three skirt suits, five blouses, three dresses, and four skirts. The skirt I wore that night was a black leather mini with a grey upside down suede triangle at the front that was bordered by zippers leading to buttons on the leather waistband. It matched a pink silk blouse that had a mandarin collar with a collar strap that buttoned to the collar. I recall Nathan's eyes kept moving to my crotch, even though he was trying to look normal, but he had to shift eventually to hide the obvious erection!

Things got interesting that night when he found out that not only was I going to be a bridesmaid at a gay wedding, but my dressmaker was also gay. He suddenly decided that he really should be going, but I told him mum was my plus one instead.

"What was all that about?" Stan looked at me after everyone had gone home, "is everything all right between you two?"

"It's okay, Stan," I replied, "he's just worried because I've got gay friends."

"Uh huh?" mum's eyes widened, "sounds familiar."

I hated to admit it, but she was right. Nathan was becoming increasingly concerned about my gay friends. I did try to reassure him, but it felt forced, as if I was just repeating a mantra and I started to distance myself from him. I used the excuse that I was psyched for this wedding but deep down it was just an excuse and I suspect he knew it.

I felt as if something had taken control of my life, it was like a wave washing over me. At first you feel out of your depth but then you begin to float and then swim. I'd become used to women kissing other women, it almost slipped past me unnoticed. My whole outlook on life had changed but some things hadn't, namely my total lack of sexual experience as was evidenced by a conversation over coffee one December morning. Annalisa and I were sitting in the tearoom with Roberta, and the topic of conversation was the wedding in two days time.

We were sitting having coffee and some vanilla slices that Evie, the receptionist, had brought in, and she'd just asked about last minute nerves.

"We're fine," Annalisa replied, "she had a moment about two weeks ago, but that's normal, it's a big step, and we've laid out a bit of money on the reception. We made some changes there and made it a bit more affordable, and Bob's your uncle."

"Will there be a lot of gay women there?"

"It's about seventy, thirty in favour of the gay brigade," Annalisa took a bite from her slice.

"But they'll probably all be with people, won't they?"

"Not all of them, I know some are single, but why do you ask?"

"It's always been on my bucket list, more now than before. I seem to spend my nights on my back with my legs in the air wondering why I'm bothering with the guy on top of me."

"You can always change positions," Annalisa glanced at me as I smiled.

"I've ridden them, been back doored, gone down on them and let them go down on me but in the end they're all the same once they're naked, and I've heard that cunnilingus with a woman is so much better," Roberta smiled slyly.

"It can be, for the most part," Annalisa raised the cup to her lips, "but if you see a woman there you like, point her out to me or Rachel, and we'll be able to say go for it or avoid her."

"What about you?" Roberta suddenly looked at me.

"Me?" I straightened up

"Yeah, you're her bridesmaid," she smiled and flicked at her hair, "but you're not gay, have you ever thought about crossing the street?"

For a few seconds I didn't reply as I tried to translate an old-fashioned slang term for experimenting with gay sex and when I did, I blushed. Her eyes widened, and she smiled slightly, mine widened as well and then I coughed and looked away.

"I um, I, no, I um, maybe," the words tumbled out, and I was aware of the colour in my cheeks, but then Annalisa spoke up.

"For fuck's sake, stop embarrassing my bridesmaid, lots of women are curious, but it doesn't mean they're curious enough to try it on for size."

"Sorry," she patted my hand, "didn't mean to embarrass you."

"It's fine," I replied, "it just took me by surprise."

Nothing more was mentioned for the rest of the day, but as Annalisa and I walked to our cars, she turned to me.

"About this morning, she embarrassed you, and I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, and I was taken by surprise, but there is a part of me that is curious."

"About women?"

"Yeah, it was never an issue before, but now I don't know. Is it because I'm part of the bridal party, or is it something buried deep inside me?"

"Uh huh," she took her car keys out of her handbag.

"I mean, I never looked at women that way before. My best friend, Emma was always getting me to check out women for her before she made an approach, I used to sit and talk to her all night but that never crossed my mind but now," I waited while she unlocked the door of her Charger.

"Now, I'm looking at women at work and re-evaluating them, checking them out, and Roberta was just one of them. When she asked me this morning, she was blushing, and I think she knows that I might have been checking her out."

"I thought so," she put her handbag on the driver's seat and then leaned against the car, "but she's probably not the type for you, Roberta has a commitment phobia. Considering her drug dealing ex husband, it's understandable, but that was five years ago. She could and probably will try it out one day, but you might find her too much to handle. She actually made a pass at me when I first started, and that was after I told her I was with Rachel."

"She does seem a little, shallow," I ventured.

"She's a good lawyer, but you're right, her social life is a mess, she winds up with total losers and I think she does that on purpose. If she found a decent man, she might have to change."

I didn't reply for a minute or so.

"So, does that make me gay?"

"No, it makes you open minded, you're a Christian woman who agreed to be my bridesmaid, we've all been out together a couple of times, and you've just admitted that you like women," she pushed away from the car.

"So, how is it? How does it work? Should I go on a date with a woman? How did you find out you were gay?"

"I've always known I was gay, even in high school, but for you, I'd say the first step is acceptance," she leaned into the car and took out her e-cigarette.

"Accept that it's a possibility, but it doesn't mean you have to go out and have sex with the first girl you meet," she puffed at her vape.

"Okay," I fiddled with the collar of my blouse, "I think I get it."

"Imagine you meet some guy for the first time. You don't know a thing about him," she had another puff, "you're not Roberta because she'd root him on the first date. But what would it take for you to have sex with him? Put your Christian beliefs to one side, for the moment."

"I'd want to go on a few dates, I wouldn't kiss on a first date or even the second, but at some stage I would go further, but I'd want to know his family and his past."

"And then?"

"And then," I blinked, "yeah, it would happen."

"Because?" she had another puff.

"Because I feel safe with him."

"Exactly, you've come to accept that it could happen, you didn't leap into bed with him. You spent time with him, and you feel safe."

"Which explains why I'm still a virgin," I replied, "guys don't wait that long."

"Well, don't tell that to Roberta," she grinned, "she might make a pass at you."

She checked her watch, "anyway, I have got to go... but don't stress too much about it, if it's meant to be it'll happen but don't try to force it," she had another puff.

"I'll see you tomorrow, have a good night."

"I've got my course tomorrow," I reminded her.

"Of course," she grinned, "now who's muddled," she squeezed my arm.

"Me, I guess, so, what're the arrangements for Saturday?"

"Come over to our place about ten. Rachel won't be there, she's staying with her mom on Friday but her youngest sister and her boyfriend will be there. She's doing my makeup and he's driving the car, you can leave your car there because Saoirse will follow us to the lake and drop you back at your car afterwards."

***

Introduction to Law was a fascinating course but I found it hard to concentrate on the material that day. My admission had opened a can of worms I didn't know existed, I was checking out women in class, and it felt normal. No women flirted with me, but I felt as if I had a sign on my head that read, Curious, but I was trying to come to terms with it. Her explanation had been remarkably simple, but I suspected there was more to it than that.

When Nathan called on Friday arvo I didn't answer, but sent him a text instead.

Sandra: Sorry, had a hard day, I'll call you later.

Nathan: I'll be at youth group, call me tomorrow after the wedding.

I was just about to reply to that text when I got one from Emma.

Emma: Can I call you now?

Sandra: Sure you can!

The last time I'd seen Emma had been last month over a cup of coffee, and she'd been happy then, but this time she sounded distant, as if she was doing something else at the same time.

"What's up with you? Are you all right?"

"I've been kind of in limbo, with Valerie?"

"What's going on? I thought you two were getting on fine, at least you were the last time I saw you," I fell back onto the bed and stared at the ceiling.

"We agreed to a trial separation, it's complicated."

"Go on," I replied.

It all came out in fits and starts. Valerie had become paranoid about Emma's girlfriends. Emma was and still is a very gregarious person, it's directly related to her troubled past. Valerie comes from a big family of five sisters not including herself, and dozens of cousins, her family are all Catholic by the way. At first, she'd just vetted them first, but just lately she'd started laying down the law about certain of her friends. It'd blown up two weeks ago and Valerie demanded a trial separation, so as Emma could 'sort out her problems.' As to what they were was a mystery to Emma and I, she's not the kind of woman who cheats.

"I don't know what to say," I sat up, "but you know what they say, you don't really know someone until you live with them. Talking about that, where are you living now?"

"My mum's again, it's a temporary thing, but at least she's supportive."

"Well, you can come over here whenever you want, you know that, though."

"Thanks, I was thinking of dropping around tomorrow."

"Ah, just not tomorrow, I'm going to a wedding. My friend from work, Annalisa, is getting hitched, and I'm her bridesmaid."

"Oh, right is that this weekend? I remember you saying something about it."

"Good job one of us remembered then," I grinned.

"Cool, make sure and get a picture of you and Annalisa."

"Sure, of course."

"I'd love to meet her and her wife one of these days."

"You will," I promised, "you will."

We talked a little more and made arrangements for Sunday afternoon, but afterwards as I got ready for bed I found myself wondering why I hadn't told her about my new status as 'curious.' I could have told her, but it felt a little too risky. The last thing she needed was to know that I was thinking of crossing the road. I also didn't tell her that Nathan and I were on the verge of just calling it quits, either. It did make me wonder, if some higher power up there had arranged this to suit his, her, or its purpose. Coincidence is God's way of staying anonymous.

***

Annalisa and Rachel's house is in suburban Nunawading. The four-bedroom house was in Rachel's name, it was part of her divorce settlement. One bedroom was an office, another was Rachel's art studio, a third was kept as a spare bedroom. Two white ribbons had been strung between the bonnet and the roof rack on Annalisa's car. I took a picture on my phone before knocking at the door, it was opened by a woman with long red hair and for a moment I froze.

She had an angular-shaped face, green eyes, and bow-shaped lips. She was in her late twenties or early thirties, it was impossible to tell under the makeup. She was an inch or two taller than me with an hourglass shape, clad in a white chiffon blouse with a satin collar and cuffs. Under the blouse she wore a camisole and both were tucked into a white three-quarter length pleated skirt, accessorised with a wide black belt and black shoes, the white earrings matched her blouse. The scent wafting towards me was Chanel and as I blinked she smiled, exposing perfect white teeth.

"You're dressed for a wedding," her accent was definitely Irish, and I felt the weakness in the pit of my stomach, I've always loved the Irish accent, "I'm Saoirse," she extended her hand.

"Sandra," I took her hand, "pleased to meet you."

"Sandra," her smile deepened to expose dimples, "the pleasure is all mine, come in."

"Thank you," I stepped over the threshold, trying to calm my beating heart. Annalisa hadn't told me that her ex-girlfriend was drop-dead gorgeous. I looked past her to the couch, there was a younger man sitting playing with his phone. He was dressed in a white suit, white shirt and white bowtie, he glanced up and raised his hand in greeting.

"This is Rachel's younger bother, Craig."

"Pleased to meet you," he nodded, "you look lovely."

"Thank you," I sat down in a sofa chair, "where's Annalisa?"

"Getting the last of her makeup done, Hermione's been at it for the last thirty minutes," she sat on the other sofa chair, "and I've been here for the last forty minutes."

"You're from Ireland," I stated the obvious, "I was over there a few years ago with mum, what part are you from?"

"Wexford," she flicked at her hair and seeing my puzzled look went on, "it's south of Dublin, on the coast."