A Wedding and a Funeral

"We went to Dublin but mum's cousins are on the west coast, and the north."

"North? Northern Ireland?"

"Armagh," I replied, "it was okay, but I preferred the Republic, Northern Ireland has a different feel to it."

"It's a different country," she stated the obvious.

Annalisa came into the living room a few minutes later, and she looked beautiful, but most brides do, the dress was made of ivory-coloured satin with chiffon sleeves and satin cuffs, her hair hung loosely about her.

"Hiya," she greeted me with a smile, "I assume you've met Saoirse, and this is my sister in law, Hermione," she indicated a stunning looking blonde woman.

"I have," I nodded, "it's nice to meet you, Hermione."

We left not long afterwards and I rode with Saoirse. Craig drove the Charger and his girlfriend sat in the back seat, with the bride in the front. On the drive to Lilydale Lake I learned that Saoirse was a probate and wills lawyer in Wantirna and was the youngest of five sisters born to an actress, who'd thrown her husband out and taken up with an actress girlfriend instead.

"It was the biggest scandal in Ireland. They tried to have her children taken away," she glanced at me, "but the holy mother church suddenly backed off when she threatened to air their dirty laundry in public. Ma knows where the bodies are buried, as they say."

Her life, when compared to mine, seemed like something out of a movie. Her father was a member of Fianna Fáil and her grandparents on both sides had fought in the Irish War of Independence in the early part of the 20th Century. Despite their support for the Irish Free State however, some of her grandparents' sisters were consigned to the Magdalene Laundries for the 'crime' of being too outspoken.

As a result, her mother had long nursed an implacable hatred for the Catholic Church and organised religion by logical extension. She'd passed on her atheism to her five daughters, two of whom lived in the USA, another two lived in Ireland and Saoirse now lived here. She'd met Annalisa when she visited Ireland on holiday.

"We were involved for a few weeks, but it was a brief affair, we were always better as friends than lovers. I came over to visit her on a return visit and by then she was with some other woman," she peered out through the windscreen.

"But me ma and her parents became friends and when they came over to visit me, they suggested that I move to Australia and take up law here. It was the best decision I ever made."

"So, do you have a girlfriend?" I looked at her.

"I do, but it's complicated," she smiled crookedly, "Ling is married to an Australian, but she hasn't been here long enough to apply for citizenship, and she's having an affair with me, which leaves me in an awkward situation."

"It sounds like it, I'm with a guy at the moment, but it's complicated. I see him more as a friend, but he seems to think there's more to it," I glanced at her.

By the time we got to Lilydale Lake the topic had moved from my own travels to Ireland and the U.K to a comparison of life here and finally onto fashion, where I told her I'd signed up to one of Robyn's plans a few weeks ago.

"She's got an amazing selection of patterns."

"She must've spent years collecting them, some of the patterns go back to the thirties. Robyn was a lifesaver when I moved here I had three suitcases, and I'd brought quite a few clothes, but I also had to bring other stuff too," she took out a pouch of tobacco.

"I took out an annual plan, and she's produced some beautiful clothes, so now I have a full wardrobe here and a half full one back in Ireland."

"How did you meet her?" I asked as she pulled out some cigarette papers.

"To cut a long story short, I did probate for a client who's a member of Women Who Talk, which is a women's support group that meets once a month. They've got groups all over Melbourne, and so I went along to Nicole's group because I needed to expand my network here. When I mentioned my clothing problem, she introduced me to Robyn."

"Oh," I glanced over as Annalisa got out of the car.

"You'd better get out there and meet her, I'm going to indulge my filthy habit."

The wedding exceeded my expectations. Annalisa and Rachel had written their own vows, and the celebrant was also gay, which didn't come out until just before we left for the reception. Annalisa said something about passing on her love to 'your partner,' and the celebrant replied, "I'll do that, she's just arrived home now."

The photography session was next, and I had my photograph taken too, later on mum took a few shots of me, and then it was onto the reception in Knox.

The Knox Club has been around for decades and has hosted thousands of receptions, there were about eighty people, a mixture of Annalisa and Rachel's friends and family. The oldest person there was Rachel's grandmother, who was 96 and in a wheelchair but quite alert. I sat between Annalisa and Saoirse. The meal was fantastic, and an all-girl band called Velvet Fingers played a range of covers from bands such as ABBA, Fleetwood Mac, Kylie Minogue, and other bands. I got up for a few dances and was propositioned by a guy called Tony, Rachel's cousin, but I preferred sitting next to Saoirse. The reception ended at four and we headed back to Nunawading. We talked a little about relationships, she'd had a couple of girlfriends since arriving here, but they'd been short-lived, and now she was Ling's mistress. I, in turn, talked about my lack of a love life, she asked about Tony and I just shook my head.

"Cute guy, but not my style, I didn't realise he was Rachel's cousin."

"What is your style?"

"I don't think anyone's ever asked me that question before, I don't think I have a style."

"Good answer," she grinned.

We fell silent the closer we got to Nunawading and when we pulled into the street I was feeling a little more comfortable with her. There was a degree of self-consciousness though, and that had a lot to do with stereotypical expectations. There was no doubting I was drawn to her, the conversation I'd had with Annalisa a few days ago was very much in the forefront of my mind, but as I stole another glance at her, I couldn't help but feel a little nervous.

I stared at my car as Saoirse pulled into Annalisa and Rachel's driveway, and closed my eyes, trying to gather my courage. She seemed almost out of reach, and I was sure that if I asked her out she'd find some excuse to say no. She reversed out into the street and pulled up opposite my car, I stared at it and then looked straight ahead.

"Well, this is you, my love."

"Yeah, it is, that's my car."

"I'm relieved," she purred.

"Thanks for the ride today."

"You're welcome, just doing my bridal duty. She offered me the role but I turned it down."

"Why?" I looked at her, "if you don't mind me asking."

"It felt... awkward," she smiled, "I know we only had a brief fling, but she's still an ex girlfriend."

"I knew that," she glanced at her phone screen as the phone rang, the name was Pauline, she swiped the screen and cancelled the call.

"Would you like to go out for coffee one arvo?"

"Coffee?" our eyes met.

"Yeah, I'm thinking of visiting Ireland and Europe next year on my own and need some tips, and I'd really like to hear more about this women's group you go to."

I felt the colour in my cheeks. She was staring at me with a slight smile on her face and I flicked the door handle, intending on opening it when she suddenly nodded.

"Sure, we can have a Devonshire tea up in the hills."

"I'd like that. When?"

"Next weekend, I'm due in Sydney for a legal conference. What's your number?"

I gave her my number and she tapped it into her phone book and sent me a message, which I saved.

"Okay, thanks," I got out of the car and felt a slight headiness, but it dissipated.

***

I met Emma at the Flea Market the next day, and I'd actually gone to church, although I didn't let anyone know about the wedding I'd been at the day before. Nathan was predictably on edge, and when he invited me to come back to his place I declined and said I had to meet one of my old friends from Tafe.

"A gay friend?"

I didn't reply to that one, which must have told him more than I was prepared to let on. Emma was looking much the same as ever, but she'd cut her hair shorter. It was in a longish bob style, she did look a little weary, something she blamed on the night before.

"I was drinking till two in the morning," she stared at the menu, "I had a coffee before I came out today but I could go another one."

"Who were you with?"

"Two old friends from school, we had a mini reunion with two of their friends. We started at the Dorset and moved onto Daisy's in Ringwood."

"Good night?"

"Yeah, it was, I think Roxy likes me."

"Who's she?"

"She's friends with my friend, Lucinda. She works at Centrelink."

"A civil servant? Cool, so, you're going to?" I left the rest unsaid.

"Yeah, we're going for coffee," she replied, "sometime next week but what about you?"

I told her about the wedding, and she loved the photos of me, and she also noticed a picture that mum had taken of Saoirse and I.

"Who's she?"

"She's Annalisa's ex girlfriend, but don't worry. Rachel knows they were an item."

"You see, that's the kind of women I need to hang around. I didn't know how restrictive Valerie was until we moved in together."

"Do you think you'll patch it up, or is it too late?"

"I don't know," she confessed, "part of me is glad she's gone, but the other half misses her."

"I know what you mean. The guy I'm with right now has gotten funny on me because of what I did yesterday, Nathan goes to the same church, and he's good company, but if he decided to call it quits tomorrow I don't think I'd shed any tears."

"That bad, huh?"

"Kind of," I looked past her at two women sitting by the window and swallowed, they looked as if they too might be lovers, but then a man entered the café and one of them greeted him with a kiss, "I had a bit of a revelation last week."

"What about?"

It came out slowly, my growing attraction towards women, my fears that it could just be the fact I was Annalisa's bridesmaid, and the way I felt about Saoirse.

Emma was silent for a few minutes.

"I'm not surprised."

"What do you mean?"

"At Tafe you never dated any of the guys, and they were chasing you. I thought it was maybe due to the fact they weren't Christians, but then again, you didn't even have a boyfriend from church until a few months ago. Some women come to that realisation much later in life, while they're married to a guy. It's not like it's a bolt from the blue, it's more an awareness that you're attracted to your own sex. I fought it right through high school because I wanted to fit in with my girlfriends and if they'd known I was gay they might've still accepted me, but," she trailed away.

"There were gay girls at school of course, but they kept to themselves and three were Goths, they'd get a bit of shit from the other girls. It wasn't until I got to Tafe that I finally accepted that I was gay, and you know the rest."

"I didn't know that," I stared at her, "I always thought it was something you were born with."

"In a sense it was, I wasn't lying to you. It's just that I had to keep it bottled up. Part of me was just hoping that I'd misdiagnosed myself," she propped her chin on her palm.

"But admitting it is the first step, so maybe you should go out with this Saoirse."

"We're going out for Devonshire tea next weekend but she's so much older than me. What could she possibly see in me?"

"Oh, I don't know," she reached out and tugged at a lock of my hair, "I'd date you."

"Oh, um, okay."

"Don't worry, I won't ask you out but maybe we should get out and about a bit more again, now that I'm single again. What d'you reckon?"

"Okay," I nodded, "we'll go out again but not to a club. I hate the clubs."

The following week felt odd because Annalisa wasn't there. She and Rachel had flown to Europe for a three-week holiday, taking in the U.K, France, Italy, and Germany. One of the other lawyers, Josef, took her workload and because I'd become her part-time PA, I had to update him and assist him. Josef is in his sixties and nice enough, but old-fashioned. I missed Annalisa's off-colour jokes, he's quite conservative, I was also hanging out for a call or text from Saoirse. It didn't come until Thursday night.

"Hey, how are you?" I asked her.

"I'm sitting in my hotel room working my way through the mini bar," she replied, "Sydney's a shite town, once you've seen the Opera House and Kings Cross there's nothing left."

"I've never been to Kings Cross, but I watched Underbelly, the Golden Mile."

"It's overrated," she replied, "but anyway, how does Sunday afternoon sound?"

"Yeah, that works for me. What time?"

"About two? I've got to drop in on Robyn afterwards so if we play our cards right we might get a second coffee for free, and you're sure it doesn't interfere with church?"

"Not at all, I probably won't go this week," I replied.

"Whatever, but I understand about religious services. A lot of people were more afraid of the priest than the Garda."

We exchanged addresses. She lived in Mooroolbark and she arranged to pick me up at two. I lay on my bed for half an hour, going over the conversations we'd had in the car on Saturday. Was I falling in love with a woman or was this just a flash in the pan?

Mum was philosophical about it when I raised the issue with her on Friday night.

"It could be you've always been that way inclined but never felt comfortable with the idea, it would explain why you've only had one boyfriend that I know of, I'm not even counting David because he was a friend more than a boyfriend. But it doesn't matter what you are, you're my daughter and I don't care if you're gay, bisexual, straight or just confused. I've felt things for certain women in the past but it never amounted to anything."

"Who?"

"Georgina McLeod."

"The old minister's wife?" I pushed my glasses up my nose, "wow, that's a coincidence, I thought she was so pretty, she still is. I saw her in Eastland six months ago."

"She still sends me Christmas cards and birthday cards," mum grinned.

That just made me feel a little weirder, mum and I having the same gay crush.

***

The Blue Dandenongs or Mount Dandy, as the mountain range is known is a Melbourne icon, the range stretches from south to north and is one of the southernmost arms that forms part of the Great Dividing Range that stretches all the way to Queensland. In the 1800s it was home to timber cutters but by the opening decades of the 20th Century it'd become quite popular, due to its height above sea level, resulting in lower temperatures during the summer. These days the ranges are home to a few Melbourne suburbs such as Sassafras, Kallista, Belgrave, Tecoma, The Patch, The Basin, Selby, Mt Dandenong, and Olinda, amongst many others.

Despite the amount of suburbs in the hills, there are no big supermarkets thanks to the geography and planning restrictions. The shopping precincts consist of small supermarkets, milk bars, cafés and Devonshire Tearooms, these latter establishments are one of the drawcards, Melburnians will often head for the hills for coffee and scones with jam and whipped cream. Mother's Day weekends see an incredible amount of visitors.

The Devonshire Tea House Saoirse and I went to that Sunday was the same one I've used for two years in a row on Mother's Day. It's bigger than the usual tea rooms and has a souvenir shop as well as a bigger menu. It was also not far from Penny and Robyn's place, but I never chose the place, in case you're wondering. Despite the variety of food and drink available I had Devonshire scones and hot chocolate, Saoirse had toasted ham and cheese sandwiches and a cappuccino.

I wanted to know more about Sydney, it's a place I hadn't seen yet, and she was happy to oblige me with tales of when she lived there a few years previously, but then we fell silent, and eventually she asked the question.

"So, why did you want to see me? Here?"

"Um, I thought it'd be a nice afternoon out," I looked past her.

"It is a nice place."

"And I wanted to know more about," I nudged my glasses, "you know."

"Sex?" Saoirse raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah," I felt the colour in my cheeks, "how did you find out that you liked girls?"

"I guess I've always known, I liked boys, but not for the same reason as my girlfriends. We were friends but whenever they tried to get on with me, I always found an excuse to make a getaway, at first I thought it was because I wanted to avoid getting pregnant. Later on though, I realised that it was because I had no interest in them sexually, but girls were different. I felt comfortable with girls, but it wasn't until I got to law school that I finally took the plunge," she smiled.

"I was a late starter, I was twenty one when I had my first sexual encounter."

"Why'd you wait so long?"

"Lack of opportunity, and I was busy with studies, but I was also determined to be different, most of my girlfriends were sexually experienced by then. I held out for as long as possible and only gave in because I couldn't think of a reason not to have sex with Moira. She wasn't my professor, but in the summer break I went to visit her in Glasgow, and we had sex."

"And what happened with Moira afterwards?"

"Afterwards she decided that in order to avoid being disciplined we shouldn't let it go on, I agreed, but it felt shitty all the same. Moira was eighteen years older than me, in hindsight she did do the wrong thing, but it takes two to tango, and I was ready, willing and able."

"That sounds familiar," I looked past her, "I'm twenty one and I've never had sex before," our eyes met, and I felt the flush in my cheeks, I thought she was going to giggle at first.

"Is it fear of the act itself, fear of the unknown, or your faith?"

It took a few moments to reply because I felt exposed at that point, but when I looked into her eyes, she looked deadly serious.

"Probably all three, but there's also confusion. The guys at church aren't marriageable material, if you know what I mean. The guy I'm seeing at the moment is nice, he'd probably be a good catch for some woman, just not me."

"Why not?"

"I don't feel anything for him. I'm happy with youth group and going out with girlfriends, but when it comes to men, I always find an excuse not to be with them."

"What about girlfriends? Do you ever feel like kissing them?"

"Sometimes but not all the time, but that's probably because they're all Christians and I know it'd be a really bad idea, but I did feel that for Emma."

"Who's Emma?"

"She's a girl I knew in Tafe, it was an odd relationship. We teamed up together, she was my best gay friend, and I used to check out the girls she liked and report back to her."

"Go on," she leaned on the table.

I told her about what had transpired between Emma and myself. It felt weird to talk about it, but she listened without interrupting, and when I'd finished she looked thoughtful.

"It's hard to know, but you've opened a door, and she's broken up with her girlfriend?"

"I think so, she's going on a date with Roxy I think, but I really wouldn't want to bet on it."

"You'd probably lose the bet," she grinned, "what're you doing now? I need to go and see Robyn, do you fancy coming with me?"

"Yeah, sure. Absolutely."

"I like this," she felt the front of my blouse.

"I didn't know the buttons on both sides were functional, usually it's just a few on the inner row. It goes well with the jeans."

"Thanks," I glanced down at my black jeans, they contrasted well with the white double-breasted blouse and peach-coloured jacket. I'd worn the blouse to work on Monday and Georgie had asked where I'd bought it, she was surprised to hear it was handmade.