Aces Pt. 05 - Brian and Lisa Ch. 02

He didn't remember it getting dark. He didn't remember where and when he'd dropped the bottle, or if it had been emptied. But it was dark, and the bottle was gone, if not it's contents. There were only flashes of memory, snapshots of a wasted night of making a spectacle of himself.

There was a frat house, and an argument at the door. Surprised looks when he pulled his hoodie back to show his face. There were naked girls, one almost as drunk as him on her back on a table, legs wide while he clumsily worked between them. Another on her knees in front of him, trying to get him hard again. That same girl with her face against the wall while he tried to force his limp dick up her cunt from behind. A fight. Watching the ceiling and then the sky go by as he was literally dragged or carried out.

He woke up on his couch. His hoodie was open and torn, his pants and one shoe were gone, and his mouth was dry and sticky. He sat up and his head spun, as did his stomach. Someone had left a bucket next to the couch, and he used it gratefully.

He staggered to the bathroom to piss a gallon, then into the kitchen for water. He barely made it back to the toilet to vomit. He found a bottle of aspirin and got three of them down with more water in the kitchen. He managed to keep it all down this time.

He made it up the stairs, saw that he had two hours to get to class. He stripped off the torn hoodie and the remaining shoe, intending to get in the shower and stand under hot water long enough to sober up. He didn't make it, and by the time he woke up, sheets twisted around him, it was just before lunch time.

He felt hollow, physically and otherwise. His sleep had been wracked with dark images, things he didn't want to remember, some of which included terrified women pinned under him, or bent roughly over a table or chair. Women with Lisa's face, or Abby's.

His phone chimed. It was Abby. The last person he wanted to face right now, except for Lisa. And Ivan.

Abby: --What the hell is going on?--

Brian: --nothing--

Abby: --not likely--

Brian just wanted her to leave him alone, but he couldn't bring himself to say so. Once she knew what he'd done, it would be over between them anyway. It didn't matter any more.

Abby: --you were drunk when you texted me last night--

What?! Brian hadn't even looked up at the prior text thread. Did he really text her last night?

Oh god, he did. Shit. Yeah, he was obviously drunk. His spelling was atrocious, but the content was unfortunately clear enough. He told her he loved her.

Now what? He wasn't sure it was true, but he wasn't sure it wasn't. That it wouldn't be true, soon. At least in a world where yesterday never happened.

What could he say? That he was drunk and didn't mean it? That he did mean it? Either way, it was too soon for them for that subject to come up. Besides, it would surely be moot now.

He'd gone long enough without responding.

Abby: --where are you--

Brian: --At home--

Abby: --skipped class?--

Brian: --yeah--

Abby: --no wonder. I'm coming over--

Brian: --I'm not feeling good--

Abby: --surprise surprise--

"You stink" was the first thing Abby said when he let her in ten minutes later. He'd thrown on clean pants and a shirt, but they obviously weren't enough.

"Yeah, I'm an asshole."

"You may be, but I mean you smell bad."

"Well, come in then." A little annoyance crept into Brian's voice.

She did. She put her purse on the table and draped her jacket over the arm of the couch. "You need a shower."

"Later" He insisted, and plopped down on the couch. He picked up the remote, but she grabbed it from his hand.

"No, now."

Brian looked at her. She had a look on her face that told him she was not going to take no for an answer.

"Stand up." Abby demanded, then her voice softened. "Baby steps. C'mon." she reached her hand out.

He took it and reluctantly stood. "I need a drink."

"That's the last thing you need."

"What are you, my mom?"

"No, and if I have to be, we're done." she looked exasperated. "But something is wrong. I'm here."

"You're going to fix me, is that it?" his voice clearly annoyed now.

"Nope. Can't do that, and I won't even try. But let's see if you can." She half guided, half shoved him toward the stairs.

She got him up to the bedroom, but he stopped and turned to her, "You weren't supposed to be here yet."

"Deal with it."

"Yes ma'am." he said sarcastically. He had an urge to give her an equally sarcastic salute, but he stopped himself. He had an urge to tear her clothes off and bend her over the bed. To give her what they all wanted, then toss her out the door. The thought made him shudder.

"Get those clothes off." Abby demanded.

"I'll get undressed in the bathroom."

"No, now."

"We weren't supposed to do that yet either." He tried to leer at her, but he wasn't fully sober yet, and still far from steady.

"We're not."

"You going to follow me into the shower too?"

"If I have to. You know, I've already seen you naked, remember?"

He did vaguely remember. That first time she'd come over, when he picked her out of the crowd and sent the agent in to bring her inside. He'd put on a show with the two girls in the pool. He walked into the house without any clothes, actually, now that he thought about it.

"You're not a pretty sight right now." she admonished.

He just nodded, defeated, and stripped. She gestured toward the alcove that had the shower and he went in. She followed, and leaned on the wall separating it from the bedroom.

He had to admit, soap and water made him feel more human. But the situation felt very strange. He'd showered with girls, spent time in the tub with them, but this was different. First, it was Abby, and they had never been naked together. They'd never even felt each other up. Second, she was just standing there watching him, and the look on her face was not a happy one.

He turned away from her to wash his junk. He didn't want to stand facing her while he plunged his hand under his balls, when he pulled the shriveled skin of his dick back off the head to rub it with soapy water. He turned sideways when he pushed his soapy fingers into his ass.

It felt humiliating, but he guessed he deserved it.

He stepped out and turned his back on her to dry himself, not turning back until he'd tied the towel around his waist. He had a robe in his closet, but he wasn't going to walk past her to get it without something.

She walked back to the bed and sat down, patting a spot next to her. He obediently sat.

"OK, that text. You were trashed. I'll pretend it never happened. You don't have to confirm it, you don't have to deny it. Just forget it. Delete the message."

"I..."

She stopped him with a hand up. "Don't. If you want to say that, say it when you're sober. I don't even want to try to speculate on whether you meant it or not, and I don't want an explanation."

"OK" he said meekly.

"You want to know what they're saying about you?" She asked. He shook his head. "I didn't think so. Since my only source is the feeding frenzy of gossip you've triggered, I'll tell you what happened."

Brian took a deep breath. He really didn't want to hear it, but he needed to.

"You screwed three or four girls last night, all sisters of our favorite braniac bimbo sorority, Phi Kappa Nu. So, good job on that. Two of them left late in the afternoon, looking pretty happy. At least one, Lisa Sanderson, spent the night with you. The other, Bethany Castellani, it's not so clear, since she's been seen with Ivan."

"Pretty close so far, but scratch Bethany off the list. She's Ivan's girlfriend."

"OK, so Lisa spent the night. She and Bethany left early in the morning, obviously pissed off. You either failed to perform, or you had a fight, or you hit her, or you raped her, or you tried to fuck Bethany, which got both she and Ivan pissed at you. Depending on which rumor you believe.

"People seem to like the fight story best, because a love triangle means more juicy gossip."

"Love triangle?"

"Everybody knows who I am, and they know its more than hooking up."

"I see."

"So, if Lisa is more than hooking up, that'll keep the site view high for a while. Though if you'd hit her, or worse, that would too. But most people seem to think you're not quite that much of an asshole."

"I... I'm not. Not that kind of asshole, anyway."

"So you had a fight." Abby concluded. Brian just nodded. "Which implies it was something more than just servicing her in the name of mankind."

Brian stared at her. This was exactly the thing he didn't want to talk to her about. She stared back without saying anything. Then she said, "Do you even remember the frat?"

Brian was pretty sure the change of subject was not going to be permanent, but he was relieved for it anyway. "Just random images."

"Well, there's video. From three different angles. You were obviously drunk. The first girl was pretty drunk, but she got bored because you took so long. Probably a little sore, too."

Brian shook his head. He remembered enough to know it was a pretty miserable experience, and not just for him. "I got into some kind of fight, I think."

"Not really a fight. You couldn't get it up for the other girl. She tried. But no go. The guys had to finally pull you off her, you wouldn't stop trying. She was pretty drunk too, so it was just one big sloppy mess. You tried to keep going, but it wasn't much of a fight. Archie came in about then, and dragged you out."

"Why do you keep seeing me, Abby?" Brian blurted out. He hadn't meant to ask it, he was just thinking it. But now it was out.

"Good question." she replied, looking thoughtful. "I guess one of the reasons is that every time I think I understand you, you do or say something I don't expect."

His eyebrows went up. He wasn't expecting that. Last night was definitely something she didn't expect, he supposed. Abby went on. "I don't know yet how much I like you, but I am fascinated by you. And I guess that's one kind of liking."

He thought that he would have to ask her more about what he'd done to confound her expectations, then just as quickly thought that it didn't matter, that there was no future for them to ask such questions in. But then, if she knew all this, why was she here?

Because she didn't know what he'd done, is the answer.

"I was an asshole." he said.

"Obviously. Tell me."

Brian was sure she was not going to take no for an answer. He told her.

"Jesus Christ, Brian." she said after picking her jaw up off the floor and leaning back. The body language could not be more obvious, she was rethinking the idea of being alone in the same room with him.

Brian watched her face. He saw the gears turning as she tried to figure out what this meant.

"Brian, that's really bad. I'm not going to sugarcoat it."

"I know." Brian said, horrified in a way his own self-condemnation could not do. Hearing it from someone else was devastating. "I don't think I can fix this one."

"No probably not... but..."

He interrupted her. "No, I don't mean fix it as in get back together with her." He didn't know what he wanted, but he knew he hurt her, and he wanted that pain to have never happened, even if she still hated him.

"So she doesn't hate you? Doesn't think you're a monster?"

"Am I a monster?" he asked. Abby stared at him. He struggled to explain last night. "I... didn't know what I could do, after. I didn't want to be me any more. I didn't want to be in my skin any more. I'm not sure I do even now."

"I don't blame you." Abby said. It felt like a death sentence. "Why didn't you want her to do that?"

Brian felt blindsided by the sudden change in the conversation. "I've never had that before?"

"All those girls, and none of them sucked your dick?"

"No, they have." He felt too broken to be embarrassed about telling Abby this. "Just not, to the end."

Abby stared.

"It's just, it's just about the only 'first' I have left. That nurse, that was never how I wanted it. She took that from me, Abby, that one and only first time." his throat tightened and his eyes threatened to start gushing tears.

"The rest of them, it's not..." He felt his throat tightening. He dropped his head.

"Not special?" Abby asked.

Brian's jaw clenched in anger. He didn't answer her question. "I was caught by surprise. I couldn't stop it. She got me... I couldn't say no."

"The nurse?" Abby asked.

Brian nodded. "It felt like that, last night, all over again." Brian said, his voice a near whisper.

"She's not someone special?"

Brian stared at her. He had to either lie to Abby, or to hurt her. He couldn't bring himself to do either.

Abby nodded, understanding. His look had been enough answer.

"I was afraid." Brian admitted. "Afraid that she was..."

Abby stared at him. Her face changed as she realized. Her jaw clenched. Her eyes closed. Then they snapped open and glared at him. "I told you never to do that to me." Her voice was hard.

He looked at her wide-eyed.

"I told you never to try to protect me, never make me feel like you're with me because you have to be. I can't take that, Brian."

Brian's mouth opened to say something, but no words came out.

Abby sat up straighter, put her hands in her lap. Her face had the look of someone who had made a decision, and was going to declare it.

He couldn't let her say it. It would be too final. He almost panicked. "No." He said sharply, and her face registered a subtle sign of surprise, and curiosity. It was enough, her decisive expression receded into the background.

"I'm not doing that, Abby. I want to be with you."

"We're not in love, Brian. We've dated what, four or five times? We haven't made any commitments."

"I know that." Brian said. He looked down at his towel-clad lap, his pale knees sticking out past the fluffy cloth. He looked back up at her. "I know that. I drunk texted it last night, and I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said it out loud, not yet."

Abby stared at him, not responding. He said, "I was afraid yesterday, with Lisa. Not afraid that I was breaking a commitment, that I was betraying you. I was afraid that I... That I was betraying myself."

Abby's reaction was impossible to read. She didn't respond directly, but neither did she say those final words that Brian was afraid she was about to say. She seemed to want to push the whole subject aside, at least for now. After agreeing that they'd talk again soon, she left with a goodbye that wasn't final, but that carried no promises. Brian was left alone again, to stew in his own misery and doubts.

His phone chimed a few minutes after she left.

Abby: --You're not a monster--

He blew off the rest of his classes that day.

===

"There is a darkness in every human heart."

Brian couldn't imagine anything he could say to Lisa. But he could listen to her. Her podcast, The Naked Philosopher, was streamed live every Monday and Thursday. He'd locked himself in his room with his laptop to listen.

It was on a video streaming service, but the image was just a static shot of her logo above a picture of her in her dorm room, nude, computer and microphone and other equipment strategically placed to keep the image just barely safe for work.

"It's hidden, even from the person himself, until it isn't. You don't know what will bring it out. It could be some profound event, or the smallest most insignificant thing. The more hidden it is, the more deeply it has been buried and wrapped in scar tissue, the smaller the thing it takes. It's as if only small things can find a way through the tiny chinks in that carefully layered armor."

It sounded exactly like what happened, Brian thought.

"It exists even in the best of people, no-one is immune. Let me tell you a story. One time, I was at a party, and there was this guy. It was just going to be a hookup, we hadn't been dating, we hadn't known each other before this party. But as these things often go, we found ourselves in his bed.

"I won't tell you who it was, or even when this was. I do my best to show all of you my naked self, but I do not intend to expose anyone else. Don't bother asking, or trying to find out, I'll never confirm or deny any speculation.

"Before going upstairs but after we both knew we would end up there later, we shared a moment. An incidental thing, a side effect of the kinds of things that happen at parties like this. We shared a look... and more. Then we hung out and talked, just the two of us. For a long time. Something happened.

"You know the kind of thing. We made a connection. I felt it, and I know he did. He invited me to spend the night. We hooked up, but it was more than that. We made love.

"I'm not saying we fell in love that quickly. That doesn't happen the way people like to think it does. But we may have started down that road. I don't know, and now I will never know. The sex was good in the kind of way that is about more than orgasms. Oh, yes, those did happen, and it was very, very good. Because there was something more there.

"In the morning, we were naked and cuddly and flirty. He gave every sign that what I thought had happened was actually happening, the previous evening had really happened. It was that kind of blissful morning-after when everything in the world seems right and good, when it's just the two of you, still hot for each other, but in no hurry. We were just enjoying being together, naked, unselfconscious about it, skin against skin while we talked.

"I tried to do something for him, something I hadn't done the night before, we'd been too eager. It started out playful and just for fun, but as it turned more serious, something happened. There was no way I could have known, but it was the trigger."

Lisa's voice sounded like she was choking up. She didn't seem to be trying to hide it more than necessary to keep talking. She was determined to expose herself to her audience as fully as possible. The hitch in her voice was contagious and Brian choked up. He was hearing about the awful thing he did from her point of view. She was exposing, to him and to everybody, the raw pain that he'd caused.

"That darkness buried deep in him had found a crack in the hard cyst that had encased it. A crack widened by what I did. It was a simple thing, the kind of thing that on a morning like that was natural, normal, part of what we had started to feel for each other. But he reacted very badly." She was definitely choking up now.

"It hurt. Not physically. He didn't hit me or... assault me. He pushed me away and said something, a simple few words. They told me that he saw me not as someone he'd made a connection with, but as just another party slut. Then he gave me what I'd wanted before. Before we talked, before we had our moment. The thing I'd come to the party for.

"It was the worst insult he could offer. I'd rather he'd slapped me in the face, or punched me in the stomach.

"He was forceful, but he didn't force himself on me. I allowed it, I told him so. I accepted for that moment that I was what he claimed to again see me as, that the night before had never happened. I felt like it meant nothing more, that I meant nothing more.

"I'd gotten too close to something, to whatever it is he'd sealed up inside himself and pushed down deep to where it could never come back. But those things can always come back. I'll probably never know what it is."

Brian desperately wanted to reach out to his keyboard, to type a message to her. Others were, in a rapidly flowing stream scrolling under the audio player, no message remaining on the screen long enough to read more than one of every dozen.

They were harsh. They condemned the mystery man, wished him literally emasculated, dead, or worse. Brian shared their sentiments.

But Lisa understood. She didn't know the reason, but she understood the effect. She understood it even better than he had. He knew that her hurt could never be taken back, that an explanation would not erase it. She understood, and she'd all but absolved him of his guilt. He didn't feel absolved, he felt worse than he had before.