After the End Ch. 07

"Ohh god..." I groaned, impossibly hitting a new level of need as the toy penetrated me over and over. All I could do was throw my head back, suck in oxygen, and endure the horniness until he was satisfied.

"I want you so badly," he told me while I kept a vice grip on my wrist and let him torment me. "You have no idea how hot I get, doing this to you."

"Can't possibly...be as hot...as I am," I panted.

Finally, Julian removed the plug. He left me spread out on the bed, sweating and trembling from the effort of staying still, while he took his clothes off, revealing his own rock-hard erection. He stroked it lazily, and my own shaft twitched uncontrollably as I watched him savor the touch I was denied.

I nearly cut off circulation in my hand, trying to be patient, trying not to whimper. I couldn't take his eyes off his swollen rod. All day, the toy had pressed and nudged my ass but was unable to stroke or satisfy. I was aching for Julian's cock to do the job properly.

"You want this inside you?" he asked, still running his hand over his hard length.

"Like twelve hours ago..."

He drizzled oil on himself, rubbing it in much more than necessary. Then he pulled my arms down, pushed my legs back, and climbed over me. He stared hungrily into my eyes as he lined himself up, then his lips met mine.

He thrust his tongue into my mouth at the same time that his cock speared my hole.

I cried out as he stretched me in that inexplicably satisfying way. My arms wove around his back, encouraging him deeper. He pushed in as quickly as he could without hurting me, and I accepted him easily after all the preparation. I was ready to climax the moment he slid home, but he continued to avoid my cock.

"Oh, babe, I've never felt you so hot inside," he groaned in rapture.

He kissed me for another long moment before at last he began thrusting. I was lost, babbling god knows what, pushing back shamelessly. Even with my cock neglected, the searing need inside me simmered closer and closer to the surface, like melted rock rising to the top of a volcano. Very soon, Julian would be emptying himself into my ass, which meant I'd finally get to come. After a minute, though, it registered that he had slowed down and was maintaining a leisurely pace that I knew he could keep up indefinitely.

"Julian, please," I couldn't stop myself from begging, as his cock brushed over my prostate with maddening regularity. "I'm so close, and that's worse than anything!" I tried to thrust up against his body, but I couldn't reach him.

"What, this?" he asked tantalizingly, still dragging his cock perfectly against my inner walls. "When I fuck you slowly, and I press inside you right here" -- he slid directly over my trigger spot -- "and I won't touch your cock, and you can't come?"

All I could get out was something between a moan and a sob.

"I know, babe." He stroked my sweat-damp hair, soothing while he tortured me. "It's getting me desperate too, the way you let me make you wait, when I can see you want it worse than you ever have." He paused with his granite-hard shaft filling me fully. "You let me tease you with the toy, and my mouth, and my fingers. Let me tease you with my cock, and then I'll let you come."

I whimpered, but I didn't argue. I had made it this far; I wanted him to take me all the way.

Julian leaned in closer, thrusting up into my core just a little faster, but not fast enough. This time, his body actually brushed my cock as he moved, a deliberate temptation that I forced myself to resist. I closed my eyes and gripped his arms while the volcanic heat seethed inside me, right at the peak -- an epic explosion held back only by Julian's will.

While he used my back channel, his lips went below my jawline, finding the sensitive spots that I loved. I turned my head slightly, giving him full access to lick and suck the side of my neck. I moaned helplessly, so overstimulated that I could barely differentiate the sensations. Julian had reduced my whole being to a molten lake of lust like I had never felt before. It was unbearable to let the pressure build for so long, to let the magma simmer just beneath the surface when I needed release so badly, yet the incapacitating yearning was its own kind of reward. I hovered in an endless moment of agonizing delight.

Finally, finally, I felt him speed up. His hand reached between us and closed around my cock, strokes matching his pace in my ass. I cried out in rhythm to his fucking as my orgasm climbed to a height surpassing anything I had known.

"Come for me, love," Julian told me as my long-denied need reached the point of no return, and his cock and hand drove me to a screaming eruption.

The pure ecstasy of climax roared through me, surging like lava from head to toe. I shuddered and spasmed uncontrollably while three days of pent-up ejaculate burst all over me. Julian rammed me harder, spurring on the molten bliss, then I felt him pulsing deep inside me, giving me his climax too. I clung to him, unaware of anything but the euphoric warmth of the lava melting us together.

Gradually, the heat cooled in my core, from raging inferno to pleasant smolder. The space burned out by the all-consuming need was now brimming over with equally complete fulfillment. I thought I could live by its glow for a long time.

Julian's voice drifted to me at some point. "Absolutely incredible, babe."

It took an effort to swim up from my volcano-induced daze. "I don't know how you do that. It shouldn't be possible that it keeps getting better."

He pressed a kiss against my shoulder. "I think you have something to do with it as well."

I must have looked doubtful.

"You trust me. That's what makes it possible."

His azure eyes, intently focused on my face, were much more eloquent than his simple words. They beamed volumes of devotion and admiration, gift and promise... I had to shift my gaze away, to the tattooed pattern below his collarbone.

"You can't look at me like that, or we'll have to go again."

He laughed. "Later, if you want. Anytime you want, at least for the next few days until you recover."

"It's going to take more than a few days to recover from that."

Julian smiled at me, my favorite fond smile, the one I never imagined was hidden behind those serious features, back when I first met him. "Take as much time as you need. But for now, I thought we could go clean up, find something to eat, and maybe get a drink."

I smiled back. "That sounds nice."

And I held his hand all the way to the main hall.

* * * * *

"Do you have plans for Thursday evening?" Julian asked a couple of weeks later, on our way to the training field for morning practice.

Nerves woke unexpectedly in my gut. Could this have to do with Thursday's date? I glanced over, but his expression provided no hints, so I kept my reply casual.

"I don't think so. Why?"

"I want to take you somewhere."

It could be a coincidence. But maybe it wasn't. "Uh, ok."

"It's a date." He flashed me a smile, then got combat practice started.

On Thursday, Julian and I had dinner a little earlier than usual and headed away from Fort Laurel in the slanting shadows of late afternoon. He'd explained that he wanted to show me the overlook where he, Iris, and Maurice hung out sometimes. We hiked through forest until the hills suddenly fell away in sharp cliffs, revealing a large swath of the river valley.

The sun was setting when we arrived, casting a reddish glow over the pines and oaks below. I could see why Julian liked to come here. Living on top of the same few thousand people could get...claustrophobic, at times. Less than an hour from home, this perch could have been in a different country. We settled with our legs dangling over the cliff's edge, watching the peaceful scene below.

"So," Julian said after a while. "You've probably guessed why I asked you here on this particular evening."

He watched for my reaction with those eagle-sharp eyes that could pick out an emotion from miles in the air.

"Maybe," I hedged, but I knew he could see the memories flashing through my brain: Exactly one year ago, when the threat of permanent separation had driven me to confess my feelings for him, and I'd been stunned to hear that he cared for me too. Our first magical kiss, and the tender way he held me after. The first time he undressed me and brought dazzling pleasure to my naked body. The first night his comforting presence soothed me to sleep.

His response was some blend of rueful and ironic. "You didn't think I'd remember our anniversary?"

I shrugged, uneasy as always in the uncharted waters of intimate conversations. "I don't know. You hadn't said anything."

"Neither had you," Julian pointed out meaningfully.

Damn. I wanted to deflect, but he was right. After the catastrophe of our breakup, I'd agreed to take more responsibility for our relationship. I hadn't yet figured out how to make that less terrifying.

I dug up a corner of the truth. "I didn't want you to think I was...expecting anything." I didn't want you to know how much it mattered to me, in case it didn't to you.

"What if I was expecting something?"

That hadn't remotely occurred to me. I must be the worst boyfriend ever.

"Were you?" I asked, looking over.

But he seemed relaxed. He took my hand, palm laid against mine. "I expected it to go about like this. Which is why I wanted to talk to you tonight."

Now I was nervous. Locust songs rose and fell in the trees clustered around the bluff. I watched the thickening shadows in the valley below, ruffled by only the lightest breeze, and waited for him to explain.

"Communication hasn't been our strongest suit, has it?" Julian said. "Remember our second night together? You were upset because I hadn't interacted with you all week, and you thought it was over already."

Yes, I remembered the churning anxiety and bitter humiliation all too well. Thank the gods I'd been way off base.

"Soon after that, you asked about my previous boyfriends, and that time I couldn't even discover what I'd done wrong to make you shut down. Although now I suspect it had to do with your fear of not being good enough for me."

"I mean...yeah. But are you going to bring up every one of my embarrassing meltdowns? Because that's not a very happy anniversary."

He laughed. "My point is that it's been a challenge for both of us. You're extremely hesitant to verbalize anything you perceive as a weakness. And I'm not exactly known for being overly expressive. I know that's part of the reason you still guard yourself, even after a year. If you won't bring up something as simple as the significance of today's date, then the failure is also mine, for not convincing you it's safe."

I wasn't sure if I was supposed to answer, but before I could think of anything, he dropped into a lower register.

"A few months ago, you told me that you wanted to be with me...forever. And we haven't really talked about it since."

It felt like my stomach had taken a freefall dive off the cliff. I held Julian's hand and prayed for courage.

"Which is my fault," he added. "We'd just been through a terrible ordeal, and you were understandably traumatized. I didn't want you to feel bound by something you'd said in the middle of the night, under those circumstances. I didn't know if you'd feel the same way after things settled down. I worried...that you wouldn't." Locusts filled in a momentary silence. "And if you don't, I won't hold it against you."

I shook my head. This was more difficult to say in daylight, but he deserved to be sure. "Nothing has changed. And it's not going to."

But his words echoed until an alarm started ringing in my brain. If I wasn't bound by what I'd said in the middle of the night... Dread pooled in my gut. "Wait, are you -- does that mean -- when you said --?"

"No, no," he rushed to reassure me. "Nothing has changed for me either, babe. I meant what I said."

The stress draining out left me almost weak.

"Sorry." He squeezed my hand. "I didn't mean to scare you. I know that's still the first place you go. So let me be clear about this. Will you look at me?"

His eyes were soft with affection. "I love you so much, Avery. Far beyond what I thought would be possible for me. More than that, I admire you, respect you, trust you...I'm never more at peace than when you're by my side. This past year was the best I've ever had. You've made me...more than I was. More than I could be on my own. You've even made me happy, which I didn't believe was in my future."

Julian smiled, warm and open, before continuing. "You are the partner I want to walk through life with. If I could choose anyone I've ever met, anyone on earth, or no one at all, I would still choose you. I don't ever want you to have to doubt that I'm going to be here."

That...that was a lot. So much. Everything. My heart swelled with overpowering emotions: joy, pride, relief. I couldn't find words, so I leaned over to kiss him for a long moment. That probably wasn't the safest activity, sitting on the edge of a cliff, but elation pushed the danger out of my head.

This was already the greatest anniversary I could imagine. But he wasn't finished.

"I've been thinking about this a lot," he said when I was settled next to him again. "I can tell you today how I feel, but you still might question it next week, or next month, or next year. So..." He paused and drew in a breath. "There's an ancient custom where two people commit to a permanent partnership by making mutually agreed-upon promises."

Wow. My stomach was seriously considering another nosedive. "Are you...proposing...marriage?"

I don't know what expression I was making, but his lips quirked up. "If anyone's proposing marriage, it was you, three months ago, when you said you never wanted to be apart from me."

My cheeks heated. I hadn't thought of it that way. God, I was terrible at this. Proposals were supposed to be planned and romantic, not nightmare-driven and pathetic.

"Theoretically," Julian went on, "I am already married to you. I said I wouldn't leave you again, and I won't. So I'm yours. And you're mine, aren't you?"

Another round of immense gratification exploded in my chest, hearing this commanding, accomplished, gorgeous man say that he was mine. Of course, there was never any question about me being his.

"Since the first time you held me," I told him quietly.

He reached for my jaw and gave me a brief, tender kiss. "What I'm proposing is that we formalize the commitment that already exists. I want a chance to officially make my promises to you, and I'd like to hear yours. Then we can both know exactly where we stand and feel more secure going forward. And part of that security includes agreeing on what happens if one or both of us need to move on, at some point."

"Move on?" I shook my head, recoiling at a sudden, vivid memory of Julian throwing me out after I slept with Rowan, and the horrific nights that followed. "I thought..." I took an unsteady breath. "What's the point of this, if we could just break up anyway?"

"That was one of the main flaws of marriage -- the blind insistence on two people staying together, even if they were miserable. Life can be long, and individuals control very little of it. I think we should agree that we will always be free to end our relationship if we both want to. And if only one of us wants to, agree that we'll both give our best effort to resolve the issues. But if we can't make it work, we'll let each other go."

Immediately, I saw a future where Julian no longer wanted me, and I had no ability to make him want me, so he left. Primal terror of the deadly emptiness froze my insides. My hand tightened reflexively around his.

"Hey," he said gently, matching my grip. "This doesn't give either of us an excuse to walk out. I'm still promising not to neglect or abandon you. But I love you, so I want you to have what you need, even if it's not me. Don't you want that for me? If, for whatever reason, things changed and I couldn't be happy with you anymore, no matter what we did -- what kind of relationship would that be? Would you really want me to stay?"

Yes, I wanted to say, selfishly. But I knew he was right. If he was miserable, I'd be miserable too.

"No," I whispered.

"I'm not expecting that to happen, babe. If it's within my power to be your partner until I die, whether that's tomorrow or seventy years from now, then I will be. I just think it's better to be realistic about life-altering promises."

I looked at him again, until the familiar, caring lines of his body restored my confidence. I pulled in a long breath and nodded.

He held my gaze, serious and sincere. "Is this -- is this what you want, Avery? I realize that you're only twenty-four. Your pre-frontal cortex is still developing. It's ok if you're not ready."

That required no debate. Especially not when I knew what it was like to lose him.

"This is what I want. Absolutely. My brain will always be changing as long as I'm alive, and so will yours. Whatever comes up, I want to figure it out with you."

His handsome face went radiant, and he raised our joined hands to lay a kiss on my skin. "That's what I want too."

"So, when are we doing this?" I asked. "Tonight?" The sun was sinking below the hills to the west, and the patches of cloud in that direction were streaked red and purple.

"Thought we could. Thought it would be nice to keep the same anniversary." There was a new, bright peace in his eyes. "Unless you'd like to have your friends here to witness. That wouldn't add anything for me, but if it would for you, we can choose another time."

I shook my head. "Don't need anyone here but you."

"In that case, there's one more thing."

He let go of my hand, moved to sit cross-legged facing me, and reached into his pocket. Dusk was settling, but there was still plenty of light to see what he brought out: two short necklaces, each a knotted dark leather cord with a polished stone pendant forming half a circle. One stone was brown, and the other was blue. Both hanging upright, together they made a full disk.

Julian handed me the blue necklace with an uncharacteristically self-conscious smile. "Gavin helped me make these. He's a hobby geologist."

Turning to mirror his position, I traced the rounded edges of the small glossy stone. The lush, fresh scent of leather mingled with the fragrance of pines and ferns.

"I dislike the connotations of rings," he said. "Eternity, which can't be guaranteed. Ownership, which has no place between partners. The bondage of heteropatriarchy." He smoothed fingers over the other necklace with the earth-toned pendant. "But I did want something tangible to mark our belonging to each other."

He looked up, almost shy. "If you don't like it, please don't feel obligated to wear yours. But I'm going to wear mine."

I studied the rich blue of the semi-circle disk I was holding -- like deep water, or twilit autumn sky. "It's the color of your eyes," I realized, amazed at the detail he'd put into this. How long would it have taken to find a gemstone this exact shade? He could have been planning this for months.

"Yes. And this is the color of yours."

Well that was disappointing. It didn't seem fair that my necklace was this striking cerulean, while he'd be stuck with plain mud brown.

"I wish it could be a better color," I replied.

Julian's hand laid against my face, pulling my gaze up. "There is nothing in the world more precious to me than your eyes," he told me, and I got lost in his for an endless second.

"I will be wearing this, by the way," I said when I could collect my thoughts again.

He smiled in response. "So, shall we?"

"Yeah." New energy, anxious and excited, buzzed through my system. It wasn't easy for me to state openly to Julian how I felt about him. I'd rarely ever done it. If ever there was a time to be brave, it was now.