After the End Ch. 19

We got down to the music lesson eventually. I'd basically only learned whatever they'd done with us in school -- fundamentals of sheet music and simple choral pieces. There were probably times when musicians would come and teach us about various instruments, but I don't think much of it stuck. Even what I knew about notes on a staff didn't help me interpret the complete mystery that was Graham's guitar tabs.

He was a good teacher though; he walked me through how the strings and frets were set up, how chords were built, and the notes for some very simple songs I already knew. It was pretty cool to be able to create music using just my hands and the metal strings.

"So, it's still early," Graham commented as he put the guitar away, after my fingertips had taken all the abuse they could for one session. "You want to stay for a while?"

"Stay for what?" I asked warily.

His response was light. "Just talking...maybe cuddling. You've made yourself clear regarding your boundaries -- I'm not going to try to seduce you."

"Ok," I agreed, a little self-conscious about being on a bed so near to him, unsupervised, and for the first time in our history, without any restrictions on our activities. But it didn't always seem fair to Julian that I took up so much of the captain's attention, so it was probably good that we could be here while he did his own thing.

Graham turned down the light and stacked the pillows so we could comfortably recline at the head of the bed.

"Come here, little one," he invited once he was in position with one shoulder toward the wall, holding out an arm for me to fit my back against his front. "My bashful little celibate," he teased while I moved into his embrace.

"Shut up," was my comprehensive refutation. Not that it would be convincing, since he knew I liked when he joked with me. Although this subject was more unsettling than most.

He wasn't finished. "Not at all the type of guy who would beg someone he barely knew to fuck his ass on the first date, in front of his husband..."

I went a little red and jabbed him with an elbow. "Did you just want me over here so you could make fun of me?"

He laughed. "No, that's just a bonus."

I got settled against the familiar planes and contours of his well-built body. Not so long ago, Graham had just been Captain Lansing, a blazingly hot pipe dream of a sex fantasy. It was still kind of amazing that he wanted to share his affection with me every day.

"Can we...talk about it, though?" he asked after a minute, more serious.

My heart picked up the pace in anticipation of treacherous waters. "Haven't we talked about it already?"

"It's been a few weeks," he pointed out.

"I don't really...have anything new to say."

"Look, I know it's your choice what you want to do with me and when. I'm not trying to pressure you. But all you told me before was that you weren't ready. I would like to understand what it is that you're waiting for. I kind of thought we would have been there by now."

I took a breath to temper the rising anxiety. "It's not...something I'm waiting for. It's just...how I feel," I managed eventually.

My answer didn't seem to satisfy him. "Can I tell you how it feels for me, then?"

I mean, I couldn't refuse to listen to his perspective. "Ok."

"I tend to agree that you're probably not waiting for something, because I can't imagine what that would be. We love each other, we're close...you trust me, you're typically quite comfortable with me, and we've already had tons of very intimate sex. All the things I would expect to be in place to move forward on our own."

Graham paused, but I knew the punch line was still coming.

"I'm not married to someone else, you know? You and Julian are my partners. I'm putting all my eggs in this basket. But you already met the love of your life, years ago. So I can't help wondering if maybe the reason you're not going further with me is that...you don't intend for us to have a serious partnership. You'd rather keep your marriage in the center, and me on the side."

Well that -- really hurt. And called into question the foundation of our entire relationship. Which caused the anxiety to boil up into alarm. I tore away from his embrace and spun to face him.

"Graham..." I didn't even know how to put my objections into words, but I had to try. "No. I don't -- want you to think that."

He spoke again before I could get any further. "How you feel is how you feel, Avery. I know how deeply bonded you are with Julian. Just because you care about me, that doesn't necessarily mean you want to make another investment on that level. And I think I would prefer to confirm that now, rather than keep waiting for something that isn't going to happen."

The roiling waves of dread made it difficult to figure out how to reason with him. "That is not -- how I feel. I am serious." He was simply watching, while in my mind our whole future was sliding into a horrifying abyss. "Graham, please -- you said it was ok to wait until I was ready. You said that -- you wouldn't leave --" I couldn't get any more out, because I couldn't find enough air for my lungs.

His hands were reaching for me again. "Baby, hey," he said in what must have been a soothing tone, though it was hard to hear anything over the blood rushing in my ears. "No one said anything about leaving. I didn't mean to send you into a panic. Look at me."

That last one was clearly a command, which I obeyed because it seemed safer than doing anything else.

His earnest emerald gaze held mine. "I'm not going to leave. We're alright. Take some deeper breaths, please."

"But what if you're just saying that because I'm freaking out," the anxiety forced me to ask.

"Avery, I'm not. I only wanted to understand your rationale; I wasn't trying to give you an ultimatum. It's really ok for us to talk about this without anyone hyperventilating. Let your lungs do their job."

My brain searched furiously for evidence of imminent danger, but Graham seemed sincere. I stared into his eyes and tried very hard to convince my adrenaline-fueled system that I would still be alive if my diaphragm lessened its breakneck pace.

"That's better," he told me after a minute, so I must have succeeded at least marginally. "Really gotta get Julian to give me some lessons on how to have these conversations without triggering your sympathetic nervous system," he added, almost to himself.

Reason was gradually returning along with the oxygen. I swallowed the metallic taste from my mouth and tried to figure out what to do next.

"Come here," Graham offered again, much more gently than the first time.

In the aftermath of the chemical surge, I didn't even consider fighting his prompting hands. I let him draw me into his body again, and I made sure to clasp his arms securely around me.

"What can I do to convince you that none of the options on the table involve abandoning you?" he murmured against my head.

"Don't tell me you think I'm not serious about you," I whispered, still a little shaky.

His reply was earnest but calm. "I said I felt it might be an explanation for your behavior, since you weren't offering one."

I took another couple of breaths in the shelter of his embrace. "This is the literal opposite of not pressuring me, by the way."

"I'm sorry, baby. I didn't mean to imply a threat to our relationship. It's just been a little difficult for me, not knowing what your reservations are, and I got worried. You seem very concerned about my commitment level, but I can't think of anything you've said to confirm yours."

This conversation was starting to remind me of the one I'd had with Julian after our breakup. "I'm maybe...not the greatest at that," I admitted.

"You can understand why I might have been worried, then, can't you? I'm only human."

"I guess." I always felt like I was being completely clear, but Graham was right; I probably hadn't voiced much other than don't leave me.

"So, what would you like to tell me, now that we're calmer?"

He was being more than patient with me; I needed to be brave for him. Why did I struggle so much with speaking the words that went with my thoughts and emotions? It was surely possible to just tell someone how I felt without the world having to end first. Especially when he'd already told me plenty of times.

I drew one more breath and uncensored myself. "That...it doesn't seem like very long since you cut things off without even discussing it first. You left me, and I couldn't be near you, or go to sleep with you, or touch you at all --" I had to stop before I lost control again. He held me without interrupting until I could continue.

"It was really bad," I managed to summarize finally. "I haven't even told you how bad. I never wanted you to know. But I'm still scared of ever going through it again, so it doesn't take a lot to bring that up."

He hugged me tighter for a moment, and his voice was full of remorse. "I really wish it hadn't happened, sweetheart. If I could reverse time and do it over, I would."

"I know." I steeled myself to keep going. "And I'm not trying to keep you on the side. I want...everything with you. There isn't any doubt about that. But I've only known you for eight months, and at least half of those, we weren't together. So it might seem to you that a few weeks is a lot, but for me, this is a huge jump in a really short time. Especially because, like you said, I am married. So this affects my other relationship too."

"I can understand that," he told me. "I really appreciate you explaining."

I let some of the lingering stress drain on my next exhale. "Thanks for dealing with my...paranoia."

One of his strong hands rubbed me soothingly. "I'm sure your approach is justified by your experiences."

I sighed again. "For what it's worth, you might trigger me sometimes, but you're also really good at un-triggering me. And getting me to just tell you shit."

He gave a slight laugh. "Well that's something."

No one spoke for a minute -- the first peaceful silence since this fraught conversation had started. I focused on the comforting pressure of Graham's chest and arms surrounding me, the tangible sign of his commitment to my emotional safety.

"Can I ask you another question?" he said. "About this."

"Ok..." I tried not to brace myself.

"Is it maybe not me that you're primarily worried about? You said that it feels too fast, but obviously it's not the sex itself that feels too fast, because you've let me do pretty much anything with you, starting with that first night. You seem to see a significant line between doing that with Julian present versus without him. And you mentioned this affecting your marriage, so...is that what it is? You're worried that being with me will change your relationship with Julian?"

As soon as he said it, I realized that was the cause of the nebulous unease. "It would though, wouldn't it?"

"What do you feel would be different between you and your husband, if you and I had sex right now?" Graham asked instead of answering.

When I focused on it, the sensation resolved into specific emotions: raw, overpowering grief, as if I were losing someone deeply important to me, and dread that hollowed the pit of my stomach. I followed the trail, trying to find the source. It took a minute, but once I figured it out, everything made a lot more sense.

"It feels like...my marriage would be over," I confessed at last. The words were broken and difficult to say, but I didn't want to carry this burden on my own, now that I knew it was there. "Like my relationship with Julian wouldn't be special anymore, if I could do all the same things with you. I don't want to -- lose that --" The thought of no longer being married to Julian briefly closed my throat.

My boyfriend's response was as gentle as his hand caressing my arm. "Oh, Avery. It wouldn't be over at all. Nothing will ever make your marriage less special. You and Julian promised to care for each other, be there for each other, and do your best to work out any issues, right? And you're still going to do that just the same, aren't you?"

Graham paused until I nodded.

"Think about how you felt after he came over here last week. Did you feel that he was any less married to you?"

I checked my memories. "No..."

"You wouldn't be either, if you slept with me. Just like your love for me doesn't take away from your love for him. You and Julian will always share your unique history and connection. I couldn't change that even if I tried. All I'm doing is adding a new connection to your life. They're intrinsically separate."

Not for the first time tonight, he was right. I hadn't been able to see it before. Or, more accurately, I could see it when it came to Julian, but not myself. Which was pretty typical of me, and why I really needed to get better at talking things through instead of stressing out on my own for weeks or months. Graham was helping a lot with that.

I loved him for it, and suddenly I loved him so much, I couldn't understand why I'd been waiting all this time. He was so good to me: dedicated, trustworthy, and patient with my significant shortcomings. So generous with his affection and always willing to support me, even when I didn't want to let him. Understanding of my insecurities, and willing to reveal his too. Gentle when I was afraid, yet able to call me out when I needed to get over myself. He was making me into a better person, and that was saying a lot, because Julian had already guided me through a ton of the early work.

The rainbow appeared in my inner sky, brighter than ever, and this time there were two -- love's light refracted twice inside each raindrop. The first arch displayed my eternal covenant with Julian, which could never be diminished, any more than electromagnetic radiation itself could be destroyed. The second showed my newer commitment to the man holding my body and my heart with so much care. The two arches would always be the same distance apart; neither could alter or replace the other. Each had slightly different qualities, just like my relationships with each of my men. And both were incredibly precious to me.

I unwound Graham's arms enough to turn toward him, and he seemed unsure whether I was upset again, but I put my lips to his and soon settled that question. I kissed him without holding anything back -- without fear from the past or doubt about the future or comparison to anyone else. I wanted him, and I was allowed to want him, and I was going to have him.

"I love you," I told him when he pulled back to look at me. "So much."

His hand cupped the side of my face. "I love you so much."

"And it's true, what you said. There's nothing else I need to wait for. So seduce me, Captain Lansing. Right now."

The pure, unadulterated joy that swept across his features went straight to my cock. He took my mouth passionately, this time leading, his tongue twining with mine. But after a moment he pulled us apart.

"Are you sure about this?" he asked, nearly hyperventilating himself, though for a completely different reason than my earlier panic. "That was a really quick turnaround. I don't want you to feel -- taken advantage of, later."

"I'm a thousand percent sure, Graham." I stroked my fingertips across his cheek. "You made me sure."

"God, Avery," he groaned. "You don't know what you do to me."

"Then show me," I challenged, tilting my face up invitingly.

And he did.