After the Fact

I would miss her too and I told her, but we had talked at length about the course of action we needed to take and there was no turning back. It would be tough; we had vowed to make it work and get used to it. We would have to learn to make the best of our time together when I wouldn't be away.

That first trip defined what our life would be like for the next seventeen years; Joanna would be the prominent parent in our children's life and I would do my best to make up for lost times when I'd be home. Every time I came back home, it was a joyous occasion and we'd make sure to get time to ourselves to get reacquainted each and every time.

Sure, sometimes Joanna would tell me how hard it was to raise two kids on her own while working full time, but she always added that she could do it, that it wasn't impossible and we'd jump into bed; and I'd forget all about the mundane worries she had.

Coming back home had never been a chore but I was always happy to go back on the road. It always felt new and exciting when I was back home, but inevitably, the slower pace would bore me and I'd find myself anxiously waiting for the next trip.

Maybe I should have seen more than just the first layers of Joanna's 'concerns' and see that she was putting up a front for my benefit. Maybe I should have noticed this past year that she was more withdrawn and wasn't as keen as I was about my trips. How could I have though? Why didn't she say anything? It would have been as easy for her to say something as it would have been for me to notice something was wrong...

These thoughts didn't put me in the best of light and I decided not to share them with Nathan. I decided instead to tell him of how we were always happy and joyous when we were reunited, how the kids would be on their best behaviours as if I was a special guest.

The car stopped in front of the hotel as I was telling Nathan that marriage like ours came but once in a lifetime and I was lucky to have found her. She truly was my soul mate and was completing me in every way.

When I saw the hotel, I had the feeling we had reached our destination. It was more suited to Joanna's taste and standing than the previous two and I could almost see the three of us laugh at the whole ordeal later in the evening.

The commissionaire in his fine uniform opened the car door for me as soon as Nathan pulled up in front of the hotel. He tipped his hat to me as he opened the hotel door and said, "Welcome to The Marquis, Sir."

I waited for Nathan in the lobby and saw the man repeat the same thing for him. Yes, we definitely were in Joanna's kind of hotel! We walked to the reception desk amidst the travellers, hotel employees and people coming and going. This hotel setting was perfect for Joanna.

Crushingly, this wasn't the one either. We were doomed! The clerk had been so helpful. When he had said someone with a similar name had booked a room in the early morning, I so wanted to believe it meant Joanna was here.

Unfortunately, it turned out the lady in question wasn't even close to Joanna's age and she was with her husband.

Now we had to go to another hotel and ask the same questions to someone else.

That fourth hotel was the right one; the right hotel for Joanna, the right place for the love of my life. It was easy to get Joanna's room number and to learn that she hadn't been seen out of her room since she came back from an errand. When we got to her room, it was too quiet. We knocked on the door but there wasn't any answer; there wasn't a sound coming from her room. We were just about to leave when we heard some glass or whatever tumble to the floor. Nathan knocked more loudly on Joanna's door, calling her name but still, there wasn't any answer. I asked the bellhop to open the door but he was reticent to do so since the 'do not disturb' sign was on the handle.

I was quickly losing patience and it showed when I said, "Listen here, can't you see that youhaveto open the door. We knocked, she's not answering, and now some glass fell to the floor. What if she's sick or something? What if someone is inside her room, stealing from her? Open the damn door!"

The bellhop was still tergiversating when I took upon myself to open that damn door one way or the other. A good kick to it took care of the problem.

I'll never forget what I saw; Joanna fully dressed on the bed, a wine bottle on its side next to her and another one broken on the floor. I didn't care about the state of the room, what worried me what the fact that Joanna didn't even react when we crashed through the door.

Something was amiss!

The next few hours were a blur. I remember trying to wake her up; not succeeding. Nathan noticing that Joanna's breathing was very shallow, that her skin was clammy, that her heartbeat was faint. I remember medics coming into the room, putting her on a gurney, rushing her down corridors of the hotel, the elevator taking too long to arrive downstairs, the ambulance roaring away; sirens blaring and light flashing.

I don't remember following the ambulance in Nathan's car; my mind draws a blank there. I remember rushing into the hospital, the noise, the lights, the smell; doctors talking, saying foreign things to me; saying the next few hours will be critical, saying so many things that I don't understand. I remember; I don't remember, I remember.

Sitting there on a bench, outside the hospital and all I could think of was that it was all my fault. I should have seen, noticed, understood that something was wrong, that Joanna was unhappy. I should have kept focusing on our life instead of thinking that she would still be there when I was done.

If only I hadwoken up before. If only I had remembered what was important to me. If only I hadn't let my foolish ego get the better of me. If only I hadn't let myself believe that a little flirtation with my assistant didn't mean anything; that I still had control over the situation. If only I had thought before extending my stays away these past few months. I should have known that nothing good would come out of it.

I never meant for things to go so far between Melanie and I. It was just gratuitous flirtation; it wasn't supposed to go anywhere. What was the harm in me appreciating her interest in me? We didn't do anything wrong; we had a few dinner dates, a few theatre dates, a few hugs and kisses. We didn't do anything wrong!

I didn't do anything wrong! I didn't meet her in her room that night. I was about to, but I didn't go. I was on my way to her room when I saw the time and realized I had missed calling Joanna. I thought about all the sacrifices we had made to get the life we had. I thought of all those years that Joanna spent raising the kids alone, all those solitary days and nights she had spent while I was flying around the world building our business. I thought about how Joanna would be hurt if she ever found out what I had done. I decided there and then to sell everything and come back to her. Our life together was more important than my stupid ego. That's what my phone call was about. That's what I wanted to tell her, that's what Ihad to tell her!

I felt more than I saw someone sitting beside me.'Please, go away, whoever you are, I don't feel like chit-chatting with anybody right now,' I thought. I turned towards that bothersome person to tell them to go away when I noticed it was Nathan. He looked defeated, shoulders hunched and, if I'm not mistaken; he had been crying.

"Hey. The doctors asked me to come and get you. They need to talk to you," Nathan sighed while slumping on the bench. His voice seemed almost sacrilegious to my ears; it was too loud, too out of place.

We walked inside together, Nathan guiding me in the hospital's daedalus corridors. We stopped in front of a door and I was about to knock when it opened.

"Come in, Mr Collinsworth. I'm Doctor Rosenblatt and this is Doctor Goldstein. We wanted to talk to you before we take you to your wife..."

He was about to continue when Nathan interrupted, "Uh, Jeremy; I'll wait outside while you're talking with the doctors."

"Please, Nathan; would you mind staying? You're Joanna's friend and I'd like you to be here with me to hear what the doctors have to say. You were there for her when I wasn't. I'd like you to be here with me." Funny how in just a few hours I had come to rely on Nathan so much. More then ever I understood why Joanna has put her trust in him.

The doctors said they didn't see any objections in Nathan staying, that maybe it would be better if I had someone there with me to hear what they had to say.

They said things I couldn't get my head around; that Joanna had taken barbiturates, opiates and antidepressants in combination with alcohol, that her blood alcohol level was three times the norm. They said that the combination of alcohol and medication had passed through her blood stream; that as a result her kidney and liver had shut down. They said that pumping her stomach had had no result because the alcohol and medication had been absorbed by her system.

They said that her organs were shutting down one by one and there was nothing they could do about it. They said they could try a complete blood change but they weren't sure it would work. They said they had done all that was possible and now all we could do is wait. They said..., they said so many more things that I didn't understand.

I don't remember walking out of that office, going down to the hospital's cafeteria, sitting down and drinking coffee. So many mundane things! Nathan sitting in front of me, talking to me, I could see his mouth move but I have no idea what he said. I was numb, maybe that's what it feels like to be a zombie. Everything seemed to be in slow motion around me.

Standing outside of her hospital room, for the first time in my life, I was scared. Absolutely petrified! I didn't know if I could walk in there and see Joanna. All I wanted to do was turn around and run, pretend it was a nightmare and I was going to wake up soon. Pretend that I was at home, all I had to do was reach out, and Joanna would be there right beside me.

Entering that room is probably the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Joanna looked so small in that bed. There were tubes running through her nose, her arms, her head; there were tubes everywhere and I didn't know what I had to do. Should I walk out and come back when she was awake? Should I wake her up and let her know I was there? I didn't know, I just didn't know!

I sat down in the chair next to the bed, took Joanna's hand in mine, going through the motion of what you do when a loved one is in the hospital and I still didn't understand. What was I doing here? What was Joanna doing here? What was happening?

I felt more than I heard Joanna talk, "Jeremy, you're home." Her voice...her voice was so faint; barely a whisper.

"Oh my god, Joanna; you're awake! Shhh don't say anything. You need your rest." I reached my hand to press the call button for a nurse.

She stopped me, "Jeremy....listen....there are some things I have to say to you."

"Shhh, don't say anything, you can tell me all you have to say when you're better. I'm not going anywhere, I'll be right here when you wake up, go back to sleep." I didn't know what I was doing.

Joanna barely put her hand up, "shhh baby....you have to listen to me... I don't have much time..."

"Don't talk like that, you're gonna be out of here in no time. The doctors will cure you; they'll make you better..."

Seeing her so weak and talking about not having much time, I was afraid to listen to what she had to say. She seemed so adamant to talk, I was bracing myself to listen when the alarm bell of her heart monitor went off and in seconds her room filled with doctors, nurses; so many people!

I've replayed the events of that day and the words spoken so many times. I'll never know what she wanted to tell me. I'll never get to hear the sound of her voice, her laughter, her telling me that she loves me, ever again. She died last week and left me all alone. Everything we had worked for together is worthless; it doesn't mean anything to me now that she's gone. Why did I need so much to be successful? Was my success more important than my wife's happiness and well-being? What's wrong with me that I thought she would always be there when I came back? Didn't I know that life is short and the most important thing was my wife and children? Why, oh why, did I have to have my ego stroked?

Now I'm alone in that empty house and I have only myself to blame. Joanna was the best thing that had ever happened to me and in my 'run for success" I forgot that there would never had been any success if it wasn't for her. I forgot that she was the reason for my happiness, the reason why life was so beautiful and joyous. I forgot...I simply forgot that she was everything.

The silence in the house is so loud. I never thought before that silence could have a weight. All I have left is the silence and the unanswered questions.

Can I live without her!

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