Ah Santa, I can Explain

The word "current" was ominous. Hinting that Norris may or may not be my husband in the future. My head was spinning by this point. Norris had taken the kids! Or had he? I hadn't heard from my mother.

"The kids are at my house with my mother," I replied.

"Not for long Mrs. Griggs. Your mother is being escorted out of your home as we speak. We have been waiting for you to call so we can do this. I am sure she will call you..."

Just then I got another call, I saw on the screen that it was my mother. I put him on hold and took Mom's call.

"Mom, what's going on?"

There was a brief silence and then my mother spoke.

"You just couldn't control yourself Amber, could you?" Mom said in a condescending tone.

"What are you talking about. Are you with the kids?" I asked her anxiously.

"No, I am not with the kids. I am outside calling you from my car. Norris and his lawyer showed up and told me to leave. Before I did, he showed me a video of you and a man going to a hotel room. Then the video was from a camera stuck under the door filming you and that man in the room. Take my word for it Amber, watching you in a porn movie with some stranger was probably one of the most embarrassing experiences of my life."

"Oh no!" I gasped.

"I apparently raised an idiot. Your husband is wealthy and at this point insecure about his ability to satisfy you. Did you not think he could have you followed? And even if he didn't. Why did you cheat on him? Why did you jeopardize your family?"

I felt my legs give way and I fell on the ground. One of the people on my crew reached for me as I fell on the ground clutching my phone.

"Amber are you OK?" he asked. Then he called the producer over. She was a young woman with aspirations of being in front of the camera. That day she got her wish.

--------------------------------------------

That Christmas was the loneliest I have ever spent. I tried to see the kids, but the only time Norris gave me with them was the day after Christmas and under the supervision of a guard and his lawyer. I thanked Gawd that they are too young to notice. But then I realized how my actions had separated them from me and how they would grow up with me being just a visitor in their life.

They did enjoy having a second Christmas and more presents under a second tree at my mother's apartment. Norris still let her visit and watch the kids, but the guard was always there to make sure Mother didn't run off with them.

As the kids played with their toys, my mother sat next to me and hugged me. I was crying quietly, still in shock at the implications of what I had done. Mother said nothing as we watched them, but I could tell she was seething inside.

The daughter she had been so proud off had embarrassed her by acting like a slut behind her veteran husband's back. I could just hear it. But she didn't have to say it. I knew exactly how I had screwed up my life. As well as the life of my children. On that day of despair, I wondered what would become of my children and how they would grow up with out me. What would Norris tell them about me? Would they even speak to me after they grew up?

-----------------------------------------

Its been months since that day. Almost a year. Norris divorced me and as per the prenuptial agreement I signed stipulated, he received primary custody. With my job, which I somehow managed to keep, I was doing well financially. But I was no longer the wealthy woman I had been living as Norris Grigg's wife. I was now Amber Jones again living in Washington DC after I was transferred there last summer.

I still have urges, but after the disaster my last quest to quelled them brought me, I am reluctant to date and have a sex life. I go through batteries, vibrators and dildos like there is no tomorrow.

Every weekend I travel to New York and see the kids. But I had this week off and went early. I did some shopping for the kids and mother thinking how it was such an outing that had led to my downfall. Lance did not appear out of nowhere this time. In fact he feels guilty about what he had done that led to my divorce. He is still married. Even though we both live in DC now, he keeps his distance from me. Something I appreciate. I do miss his friendship, but Dallas ruined that as well.

Wanting to know what was going on in the kids and Norris' life, I hired a P.I. to keep tabs on them. I no longer had claim on my ex-husband, but I wanted to make sure he didn't take off with the kids where I could not find them. The P.I. informed me of their usual schedule and that Norris was not dating. That gave me some hope, but also made me sad. I wanted him to be happy.

My mother was over at his place with the kids when her doorbell rang. I went to answer it and found Norris standing there!

"Hi Amber," he said. They were his first words to me in almost a year.

"Hi Norris," I replied with trepidation.

I thought that the first time we talked, if we ever talked, he would be angry with me and spiteful. Instead he seemed sad and apologetic.

"If you don't want to talk to me, I understand," he said hesitating as I motioned him to come in.

He entered nervously as I closed the door. I noticed that he was alone; no guard or lawyer.

"Can I get you some coffee?" I asked knowing he was a coffee fanatic. "Its fresh."

"Please," he replied politely and sat as I went to the kitchen and brought us each a cup.

"Do you want to sit on the kitchen table?" I asked. I knew it would be harder for me, but I wanted to see him eye to eye and the lighting was better there. I had to see his face clearly. No matter how harsh it would be. I was still in love with him. Still missed him.

"Yes, that will be fine," he said and came over to sit across from me.

"Norris, I am so sorry..." I said but he raised his hand to stop me.

"No Amber, its me that has to apologize." He said shocking me to no end.

"You didn't do anything," I replied. "It was me and my fucken selfishness."

"Yeah, there may have been some of that. But I had my hand in pushing you to it."

His face betrayed his emotions. Regret, guilt, sadness.

"Amber, I had problems and instead of letting you help me get over them, I shunned you and pushed you away. I was so ashamed that I could not even talk to you about it. There is no way for us men to explain to our wives that we can't perform. It's the ultimate failure. I have never failed this badly in my life Amber. I have never failed. Ever!"

he held his cup as if it gave him strength.

"In school I was an honor roll student. At West Point I carried a 4.0 average throughout. Top of my graduating class. And did the same after. Top trainee in every Army school. The golden boy. Even the Medal of Honor battle seemed simple and not that heroic from my take. I just did what I was supposed to do. It all seemed so... easy."

"Norris, you saved ten people under fire and killed close to fifty enemy. You were wounded five times. Does that sound... simple to you?"

"When I was doing it Amber, it was. So was everything else I have achieved. Even you Amber. I had been so successful with women that when I met you and we clicked, it seemed so effortless. I don't think I had to work hard to get you."

"No you didn't," I replied. "I fell in love with you on day one."

"Maybe if I had worked to win your love, if I had been more attentive and trusting..."

"Norris wait," I asked in shock. "Are you apologizing... to me?"

"Yes Amber," he replied sheepishly. "I failed you as a husband. Before and after last year in Dallas."

There, he had brought it up. I closed my eyes and braced for the anger and recrimination. The "how could you and why did you." The "you bitch, you cunt." "YOU SLUT!"

But none of that came out of his mouth. When I opened my eyes, I saw a tear running down his gorgeous face and my heart broke. What had I done to this poor man! How could I have shattered him so much that at his moment to tell me off, he thought what I had done was his fault.

He could have screamed at me, cursed me, accused me of destroying our marriage and I would have taken all if it as I deserved it. In the year since I cheated on him, I had come to terms with my guilt. But this... this act of contrition cut me to the core.

"No Norris. It was me. I fucked up. I was weak and ruined everything. You did nothing wrong. Not, you..." I was crying begging him to... OMG! Norris was sobbing! "Norris. Please... you did nothing wrong. I was the slut, the liar. I betrayed you. You did nothing..."

"You are right." He replied in between sobs. "I did nothing. I didn't trust you to ask for your help. You are... were, my wife. Instead I shut you out. You know why Amber?"

I shook my head staring at him.

"Because it was... not easy. It was the first time in my life that something was happening to me I could not overcome and excel at. The first time that I, the famous Norris Fucken Griggs could not do something as simple as get hard for his wife.

"The therapist told me I had to talk to you about it; even bring you to the sessions. But I was too ashamed and... a coward to face my own wife about this. I knew you need sex more than the average woman Amber. I knew I was failing you, but my ego wouldn't let me admit to you that I was not the perfect man you thought you married."

"No one is perfect Norris." I said. "Look at me. I am shit walking the earth compared to you. I have never had to fight for anything in life. At least you went to war. Dodged bullets. Saved people's lives. What the hell have I done but use my looks to get a job... to use my looks?"

He looked up at me still crying silently.

"I... I practically pushed you to it. Didn't I?" he asked.

"I was weak Norris," I replied reaching for his hand, but he pulled it back and stood.

"Your friend Lance came to see me," he said.

"What!" I said now confirming it all to him.

"He told me it was all his fault that he seduced you. But I could tell he was only doing it to help you. I found myself liking the guy for how he was falling on his sword for you. I said to myself, he is either in love with her or the best friend anyone can have. In the operator community, his loyalty would make him a valued teammate. I wish I had met him under different circumstances."

"He is just a friend Norris. I was in college with him. We both dated other people and occasionally took care of each other comparing notes. We don't even kiss! I don't love him. Never have. And don't even think he is bigger or better than you."

"Was it because I couldn't," he said in anguish.

"No Norris. It was because he was there... and I lost control. Nothing more Norris, I swear it. I was weak. I have tried since. I don't even date."

"Why not? You are free."

"Why don't you date?" I asked him the same question. "You are free."

"I didn't ask to be free," he replied.

"Neither did I Norris, but I acted free when I wasn't and hurt you. But I don't feel free. Do you understand?"

Norris just looked at me, but I saw no anger. If anything he looked contrite.

"You can have the kids as much as you want from now on. And I am transferring 10 million to your account tomorrow. It's a bit over half the nineteen million we made as a couple. But I would like to keep the house for the kids, so they don't have to move, so we are even money wise?"

"Norris, please stay. And thank you for your generosity. I appreciate it."

"Some day the kids will look back on this and hate me for tossing their mother out. I can't tell them how I failed you and made you go to another man."

"You didn't Norris. The war wounded you..."

"Amber, I had an opportunity to get help and I refused it. My therapist thinks it was a self-loathing act on my part because I have survival guilt from the war. He says that most PTSD comes from either shock at something horrific or guilt; mostly guilt. Knowing we either killed someone by mistake or by not helping save someone."

"What do you have to feel guilty about Norris? You saved people."

"No Amber. I screwed up." He said shaking his head. "While I was saving people. I neglected what I was supposed to be doing. I did the hero thing and left my radio back with my gear. Two guys from my unit were trapped under fire and I didn't go help them. They died because I didn't hear their calls. I was too busy playing hero."

"Norris..." I said standing and reaching for him. He tried to move away, but I would have none of it. "Stop beating yourself up. Is this why you have survivor's guilt?"

I had heard of it when we did a report about it being the main cause of mental trauma.

"Is this why you didn't seek help?"

He looked away in shame and nodded.

"I didn't deserve all I had. You, the fame and the money. My buddies who helped me start the company didn't get the big medal, but they were more heroic that I have ever been. They didn't fail anyone. In the last year I realized that I failed those two men and you. I have to go."

He pushed me away and ran for the door. I tried stopping him, but he is too quick and strong. I never realized how strong until that day. He is not a muscle bound lifter. Norris is more a swimmer, a runner or at best a rower type. In all the time we had been married, he never showed me what he was capable of. And he didn't hurt me this time either. He just pushed me aside like a rag doll and ran out of the room.

I ran after him, but he had disappeared. I figured he ran down the stairway while I ran for the elevators. Sneaky bastard. Why did he leave? I had so much to say to him. I had not even had the chance to get on my knees to beg for his forgiveness.

Realizing that I had missed my chance to come clean to him, I ran back to the apartment and fell on the bed crying in my pillow like a little girl who lost everything. Everything.

What hurt most was how he had been hurting about all that had happened to him and I had not even thought to help him before last year Dallas. I had just bitched and moaned about my pussy going empty and how I "deserved" a good fuck. I had not even thought of forcing Norris to talk to me. I just did nothing. Sometimes the worse thing you can do is nothing.

Mother came home later and found me asleep curled into a ball.

"Come inside. Let's talk." She said gently brushing the hair away from my eyes.

"How are the kids?" I asked once inside. I noticed that she had picked up Norris' cup and she saw me looking.

"They are fine," she said waving the two cups Norris and I had used. "You had company?"

"Norris was here," I replied with a slight smile.

"Hm..." she said crossing her arms and looking at me with little compassion. "You don't deserve him as father of your kids."

"I know Mom," I replied looking at her apologetically. "I regret what I did. Not just to him and the kids, but to you as well. I shamed you. You have every right to..."

"Oh shut up!" she said. "You and Norris are so annoying. You both deserve each other, and you don't. You both took each other for granted. Mr. and Mrs. perfect. Perfect my ass. You are both stupid. All that IQ and education wasted. So much for the superiority of the college educated myth. You two have proven it false for eternity."

"He apologized mom! To me! I hurt him so much and he apologized. He could have yelled at me and I..."

Mother rolled her eyes and shook her head.

"I'm sure your kids will be happy to hear that they were raised in a broken family because their parents were morons. Too upset they were not perfect to move past it. You are both idiots. Report THAT on Fox."

And with that, mother walked out and slammed the door on me.

I sat there staring at the blinking lights of the Christmas tree. I felt sorry for myself, angry AT my self and cried until there was no more tears. I was passing my mother's desk on the way to the kitchen when I noticed some stationary and envelopes. My mother still wrote letters to people. How quaint, but it gave me an idea. I got more coffee and sat on the desk.

---------------------------------------

Five days later, I was getting ready for my program on Fox. It was an idea I had and pitched to my producer and boss. At first they thought I was crazy. Then they looked at me in disbelief.

"You really want to do this?" my boss asked incredulously.

"Yes," I nodded. "I do."

"I have to run it past corporate. I don't think anyone has ever done this before."

An hour later the network president called us both to his office.

"Are you two crazy?" he asked reading the script of the show.

"Its my idea Roger," I replied. "If the ratings tank, you can blame me for it."

"Bullshit Amber. If the ratings tank its because the three of us agreed to this. One last time. Are you sure?"

"Yes Roger," I said. "Lets do this before Christmas is over."

The next night the show ran; a show I hosted. We had a Christmas tree, fake present boxes and a blue wall graphic of a fireplace ablaze. The show was called Dear Santa and we read letters written by kids to Santa. We even had a few tearjerker letters from soldiers and their wives we asked to write. You can imagine the number that said Santa take care of my family and let me see them as soon as I can. Or wives asking their man be sent home to them. At the end of the first half hour, we had a surprise repatriation of a soldier from Iraq who surprised his wife live on air at a basketball game. The crowd went wild.

Then we took a break and Roger showed up at the studio.

"Amber, one last chance. Are you sure you want to do this?" he asked.

"After what we just saw Roger, I have to."

He nodded and smiled to me turning back toward the shadows behind the cameras. When the show picked up, we did a few more letters and then it was time.

"We have one more letter tonight," I said. "It is written by what appears to be a woman to Santa. While not graphic, the content is a bit on the adult side if you want to send the kids out."

I smiled nervously at the camera as if waiting for imaginary kids to be ushered out by imaginary parents.

"I think we are safe now. Just us. So let's read this special letter to Santa."

I could have used the teleprompter for this, and it was ready for me if I needed it. But I chose to read it out loud after waving an opened envelope and taking out the stationary.

"Dear Santa,

I can explain.

Last year, I made the biggest mistake of my life betraying the trust of my loving husband. In the process, I hurt him, shamed my mother and placed my children's future in jeopardy by succumbing to a selfish desire. My husband quite rightly divorced me, and I have spent the last year feeling sorry for myself, angry at myself and wishing at times for a hole to open up for me to fall in for what I have done.

The other day, my husband appeared and asked to talk to me. Instead of yelling at me recriminations and accusations that I deserve, he apologized to me. To me off all people! The person that betrayed and hurt him so much.

See Santa, my husband is a veteran suffering from PTSD. He told me that instead of trusting me and talking to me about what had caused it and what he was going through, he withdrew from me and felt responsible for what I did. Imagine that Santa! The man I wronged thought he was at fault.

Santa. I know I failed my husband at his time of need. Instead of making him talk to me, I focused on my wants and needs over his. I don't deserve this man Santa. I really don't. But I love him Santa. I love him with all my heart and want more than anything to spend the rest of my life making up to him for what I have done and to help him raise our two children.

So please Santa. If you can, put in a good word for me with God and see if there is room in my husband's heart to forgive me and let me be a part of his life again.