Ain't Talkin' Bout Love

When the officer gave me my ticket, he asked me where I was going. I told him that I was going home. He smiled at me and told me that would be a good thing. I asked him why and he told me that Josh had been frantic. He had been calling the police stations and hospitals all night. He had even gotten my parents involved.

I just laughed and told the officer that I had gone out for the evening and had simply lost track of time. I laughed again. The cop didn't seem to think it was funny though.

"Aren't you a bit old to be acting like a teenager?" he asked. "You're lucky to have people who care about you enough to worry about you."

When I got home about twenty minutes later, the house was lit up like it was Christmas. I walked into the house and went straight up the stairs. Josh heard me and ran up the stairs after me.

"It's her," he yelled. I heard a stampede of people running up the stairs after that. Before I knew it. Josh, my dad, my mom, and both of the kids were all in the bedroom with me. I looked at my watch, knowing I didn't have much time and began packing. I didn't need very many clothes because Steve would buy me what I needed. Mostly, what I needed was personal items and things like my phone and maybe my laptop.

"What happened, Honey, are you okay?" asked Josh.

"I'm great," I said. "In fact, fact I'm better than great."

"But I tried calling you," he said. "I called you at least fifty times."

"I turned the phone off," I said.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because you get on my God damned nerves," I snapped. The pain on his face stopped me. "Look Josh, you're a nice guy. You really are. But it's time for the truth. I like you; I really do. And I don't want to hurt you. But I've never loved you the way I love Steve. In fact, I only started dating you to make him jealous. I only had sex with you to make him jealous. I only agreed to marry you because I got pregnant. I haven't been happy for a long time. And now I have a chance to be happy. I hope you can understand this, but I'm leaving."

"Okay, you don't love ME," he said. "But what about our kids?" There were tears running down his face.

"Josh, I'm really not trying to hurt you or anyone else," I said. "But I never wanted any kids. I just..."

"You selfish bitch," spat my father. I ignored him and concentrated on Josh.

"Josh, the real key to raising happy children is love. You love those kids. You're a great father; they'll be fine without me. You can handle it," I said.

"What about your family and your parents?" he asked.

"You can have them too," I laughed. "Maybe they can help you with your kids."

Josh had no idea what to say. When he heard me say, "Your kids," he folded. He literally fell to his knees trying not to cry. It was exactly the kind of thing I'd tried to avoid.

I wished that I had been able just to slip into the house grab my stuff and slip back out. I had called a taxi from the car, since I would be leaving it. I was sure that Steve would buy me a Rolls or something more fitting my status as a rock star's wife. He told me that his lawyers would handle my legal problems, so that wasn't an issue. I just needed to get out of the house, and I'd be free.

"Josh, look you don't have to worry about the divorce or anything. Steve's lawyers are going to handle that. You can keep everything. After all, you were the one who bought it all anyway. If you play your cards right maybe you can even get some money out of this. Steve is a rock star. They're all loaded," I told him.

"I don't need any money," he said. His lip quivered, and it was all I could do to close my suitcase and keep moving. Something inside of me told me that I was making a huge mistake. But I told that something to shut the fuck up. "All I ever wanted was..." he began.

"SHUT UP!" I screamed. "Don't fuckin' say it. You'll just make yourself seem whiny and weak. I get it. You love me. You'll get over it. I was meant for bigger and better things. You have no idea of the sacrifices I've made for you. Look what you did to my body. My ass is huge. I was never this fat before you started getting me pregnant every year. Shit, if I hadn't gone back on the pill after Yvette was born, we'd probably have more kids, and I'd be as big as a house. Just let me go and we'll all be happier!"

By the time I was finished, I was screaming. My dad was glaring at me. Josh, with tears streaming down his cheeks was hugging our two crying children. They really had no idea what their mommy was so angry about. My mother was hugging Josh and had turned her back on me. "It's hormones ... Maybe she has a brain tumor ... She doesn't know what she's saying. Don't worry Josh, she doesn't mean a word of it," she said.

I picked up my suitcase and turned my back on the past.

* * * * * *

Josh

After two days, I still missed her. I had no sense of pride or self-respect. I would have taken her back in a second. I wanted so badly to believe that her mom had been right. Please God, let it be something like that. Let her hormones be in a flux. Let it be a brain tumor ... at least one that can be operated on.

After two weeks, I realized that I had to move forward, if only for my kids. At five and six years old, they really didn't understand what was going on, or what had happened. Yvette was especially unaffected by it. She was seemingly enjoying all of the extra time her daddy was spending with her.

The three of us were going grocery shopping together for the first time. I had made what I believed was a good list. We were slowly trudging up and down the aisles. I had added more things to the basket than were on my list. There were things in the basket that I didn't remember putting in it. I chalked it up to my day dreaming. I knew that there were times when I would simply stand in place and just zone out.

Most of the time I was thinking about Valerie, or what I might have done or not done that caused her to fall out of love with me. However, that wasn't exactly true was it. The truth was that she had fooled me or made a fool out of me for all of those years. I was still having trouble believing that she had never..."

"Are you even listening to me?" she asked. I shook my head and realized that there was a woman standing in front of me. And more importantly she was holding Robbie by his hand.

"I'm sorry," I said. "What did he do?"

"Nothing really," she smiled. "He was helping me shop. I looked up, and he was filling my basket."

"I'm sorry again," I said. I picked up Robbie and put him next to his sister in the buggy. We smiled at each other and turned away. I did look at her but only in a passing sense.

We finished our shopping and were in the checkout line when we saw her again. She was in the next line, putting her things on the conveyor. Robbie started waving at her, and she waved back. He started giggling and then Yvette joined in. She was giggling and waving although I'm not sure that she understood why.

I nodded at the woman again and noticed how nice her smile was. I didn't see a wedding ring, which considering how attractive she was made no sense. But then it was clear that I didn't understand women. Women are like cats. They just do whatever the fuck they want and their logic defies reason.

I ran into her yet again while walking back to my car. Her car, a Jeep Commander, was parked next to my 09 Mustang GT. As soon as I rolled my cart next to her; she started laughing.

I put the kids in their car seats and opened my trunk. She was laughing even more, then.

"What's so funny?" I asked.

"I like your car," she giggled. "It's beautiful."

"Thanks," I said.

"I'd imagine that it's wonderful for drives and short day trips," she said.

"It's great for everything," I said sensing a "but" coming.

"Was this your first time doing the shopping?" she asked.

"Yeah, why?" I asked.

"How are you going to get all of those groceries in that tiny little trunk?" she asked. "Normally, I'd have expected you to shove some of them in your back seat. But, you've got two kids back there and..."

"Okay, I get it," I said. She finished packing her own car and leaned against it to watch me. I filled the trunk until it almost wouldn't close. Then I started arranging things in the empty front passenger seat. I could hear her giggling and tittering. She really was pretty. It's a shame she was such a smart ass.

"Fuck it!" I said. I opened my door and started to get into my car.

"Wait, you're not just going to leave all of that stuff in the basket are you?" she asked.

"That was the plan," I said. "I'm too tired to do anything else. I'll consider it a lesson learned. Next time I'll drive another car. I have to learn to do things differently now. I'm going to make some mistakes. This was just one of them."

She was still smiling, and my embarrassment was growing. I kind of wished that she would just leave. It seemed as if she was using my problems for her entertainment.

"Wait a minute," she said. "Since you're my future father in law. I might be able to help you."

"How am I your father in law?" I asked. I was beginning to believe that as pretty as she was, she was crazy."

"Well, your son did tell me I was pretty. So I told him he was my boyfriend." She said.

"Hmmm," I said, looking at her. "So what did you have in mind?"

"How about if you load the rest of your groceries into my car, and I follow you home?" she asked.

I had to admit that it was a good idea. So that was what we did. Once we got to the house, she carried my sleeping son into the house while I carried Yvette.

She looked around and made that face. I started carrying the groceries in and placing the bags on the floor in the kitchen. I wanted to get everything out of her car as quickly as I could. When I came back with my second load, she was putting dishes into the dishwasher. I didn't say anything.

When I came in again she was gathering dishes and fast food wrappers from the living room.

On my next trip in she was arranging the pillows and neatening the living room. She had taken her jacket off and was cleaning as if she lived with us.

The next thing she did surprise me. She stepped in behind me and started helping me put the groceries away. I hated to admit it, but it felt good. When we were all done she started to empty the dish washer.

I went to the freezer and pulled out a steak. She stared at me crazily and grabbed at her waist.

"Are you a vegetarian or something?" I asked. She ran and grabbed her jacket. She reached into it and found what she'd been looking for.

"No, I'm not a vegetarian," she said. She held her phone up to her ear and started talking. "There's no way I can get there," she said. "Have fun without me."

I had gone back into the kitchen while she spoke on the phone. I was crushing my steak. I crushed the meat to tenderize it, instead of beating it, to avoid waking the kids.

"Okay, my steak looks good," she said. "Where's yours?"

"Huh?" I asked.

"You made me miss my dinner date, the least you could do is feed me," she said.

I got another steak out and started to crush and marinade it. When the steaks were done I went out onto the deck and started the grill.

It was a very beautiful, crystal clear night with the moon shining down. I had her chop some veggies to put on the grill with the steaks. She also got plates and silverware out.

I pointed to a stack of paper plates, and she shook her head.

"It's so beautiful out here. I want real plates and real silverware," she said. As I manned the grill, she busied herself. I had no idea what she was doing.

"Where are the candles?" she asked. "I know you have candles."

"I think they're in the dining room in one of the drawers in the buffet," I said.

She ran off to find them.

A short time later we sat across from each other. The combination of moonlight and the soft light from the candles made the setting seem romantic.

Her eyes were the bluest blue I had ever seen. They were almost like doll eyes with their unreal brightness.

"This is sooo good," she mumbled with her mouth full of food. On most people talking while eating seemed sloppy or classless, but somehow she managed to make it seem cute.

"Sylina," she said. "S-Y-L-I-N-A, my dad's mom was Sylvia, and my mom's mom was Lina."

I started laughing then. I realized that we'd been together for all of that time and didn't know each other's names.

"I'm Josh," I said. "Since you're going to marry my son, Robbie, I guess we should know each other's names.

We spent the rest of the evening just talking. It was a nice, pressure free evening. I told her my story, and how I was just learning how to live without Valerie. She already saw some of my learning experiences in trying to be both parents to my kids.

Her story was completely different. At twenty-eight years old, she was retired. Six years earlier, she'd been riding in a car with her parents. They had just gone out to eat, to celebrate their anniversary. They were driving on the freeway and had just passed under a pedestrian bridge when it collapsed. The car was crushed. Her parents were killed instantly.

Sylina had to be cut out of the car. No one expected her to survive. She broke almost every bone in her body. She also had multiple organs either failing or on the verge of failing. It took over 11 surgeries to stabilize her, and she was in a coma for almost a year.

She awoke to a clean slate. She had very little memory of what had happened to her. It took months of therapy to gently stimulate her memory before bits and pieces of her life began to come back.

She grieved alone about the death of her parents. She had no other relatives. Most of her friends, including a fiancé had abandoned her. However, she had far more pressing concerns. She had to relearn almost everything.

It took her more than six months to slowly and painfully build up the strength to walk. More therapy followed until she was able to leave the hospital and resume or begin was more correct, her life. The state was ready to settle with her. The bridge had been ignored when it came to basic maintenance, despite the fact that several engineers had warned them that it was on the verge of collapse.

Between the insurance money and the settlement from the state she ended up with ten million dollars. Now she just lived. She spent most of her time shopping and just living. She was bored to tears.

I suggested that she just try to figure out what she wanted to do with her life and then go back to school, so she could do it.

She told me that she'd tried several different courses of study and got bored with all of them. She was more interested in why Valerie had left us.

When I explained that Val had left us for Screaming Steve Dee Golf, the former lead singer of Hal Naven, she laughed as if I had just told her the funniest joke she'd ever heard.

"That guy is a clown," she laughed. "He's a caricature; he's like a game-show host. He's supposed to be a singer, but he can't sing. From what I've heard his record isn't really selling. I guarantee you he'll end up in the Ice Capades wearing a Snoopy costume." She laughed as she said it.

She noticed that my mood had shifted. "What's wrong, Josh?" she asked softly.

"Maybe he is a joke but what does that make me?" I asked. "My wife left me after all of those years of being married, to be with that joke."

That first night was only the beginning. Over the course of a few weeks, Sylina became a part of our family. It started out casually, with her dropping by just to see me or the kids. Then she started meeting me directly after work and even going with me to pick the kids up from daycare.

The women at the daycare center loved her. It was a good thing they did, because one afternoon, an emergency at work left me with no other resort than to have her pick them up for me.

I don't know when it became normal, but it did. Before I knew it, I was spending all of my time with Sylina. The time we spent on my deck or on my sofa, began to dominate my thoughts. Our sessions weren't sexual in those first few weeks. We cuddled a lot and kissed. The kisses were getting hotter as time went on. Neither of us mentioned the elephant in the room with us. The fact that I was technically, still married, seemed unimportant to both of us.

My birthday changed all of that. We sat at the table with the kids and my in-laws while I opened my presents. Sylina and the kids sang happy birthday to me, and I blew out the candles. I closed my eyes and made a wish.

After my in laws had gone home, I was sure that their first meeting with Sylina had gone well.

"Josh you seemed a little disappointed earlier," she said. "Were you hoping that Val would show up for your birthday?"

"Val who?" I asked.

"Smart man," she laughed. "Did you get your wish anyway?"

"Nope," I said. "When I opened my eyes you still had your clothes on."

* * * * * *

Valerie

In every new situation, there's a period of adjustment. I remember when Josh and I first moved in together. He was so nervous that he went outside every time he had to fart. He wanted me to be comfortable, so he went out of his way to make sure that everything was the way that I wanted it. It took a while for him to realize that I wasn't going to just leave him over some minor disagreement.

But things were different here. I spent most of my time watching a flurry of activity that spun around me. The strange thing about it was that everyone seemed to know who I was, but none of them spoke to me.

The guys seemed to be constantly giving me the once over. Most of them smiled afterwards. I got the feeling that they knew something that I didn't know.

After thinking about it for a while, I realized that they had probably been told that I was Steve's new woman.

I hardly ever saw Steve that first day, but one of his assistants was constantly coming into the trailer to make sure that I was comfortable and happy.

"He's got meetings and interviews pretty much every second until we leave," said Bert, Steve's assistant. "That's the rock and roll lifestyle."

Sometime after midnight, Steve rolled in. He was drunk off his ass and wanted to fuck mine.

It hurt even more because this time he didn't even bother to fuck my pussy first. When he'd done that the first time, at least he'd had some of my vaginal secretions to partially lube my anus. This time it was just him forcing his dry dick into my already sore asshole. And again Steve either mistook my cries of pain for cries if pleasure, or he just didn't give a damn. After he was done, he reached into the dresser next to the bed and pulled out some sort of pipe. He smoked something and offered to let me hit it between puffs.

I shook my head. What I really needed was a Tylenol 1,000,000 to ease the pain in my ass.

"Drug free huh?" said Steve between puffs. "Me too. I'm just smoking this crack for my glaucoma. It really helps. But other than that and a little bit of weed or Hash, I don't touch anything. Okay, every once in a great while, if I'm really stressed out I might take a ride on the horse. But I am totally drug free."

Then he rolled over and went to sleep. He was snoring in only a few moments. He was sleeping in his clothes, like a bum.

It just didn't seem like the glamorous life I had envisioned. So I lay there next to a stinking, snoring man, wondering if my ass was bleeding. Things had to get better.

Just before I fell asleep, I found myself wondering what Josh was doing. I hoped that he, and the kids were fine. I wanted them to be happy. I just wanted to be happy too.

In all of the time that we'd been together, I had never considered it, but I missed Josh. We had never been apart before. Even when he traveled for work, he always took me along.