Ain't Talkin' Bout Love

The fury in my words surprised her. The changes in her face reflected that. It was as if her brain needed a few seconds to re-engage.

"But ... You said you forgave me," she whined.

"I do," I spat. "I forgive you. That only means that I won't spend the rest of my life dwelling on what you did. I forgive you because you tore my heart out but you were speaking from yours. You left, remember? You walked out on me, our marriage, and our family. But you told the truth. You have never loved me. And you never loved our kids either. Apparently you didn't even love your own parents. You gave them to me too remember? So I forgive you. But I've moved on with my life and there's no place for you in it. I've asked you twice now to get out of my house."

"Uhm, you're in shock," she said. "I'll call you later."

"Valerie," I growled. She turned to look at me barely fighting back her tears.

"You told me that your rock star boyfriend's lawyer would handle our divorce," I said. "Neither me nor my lawyer have received anything yet and I'd like to put a rush on the divorce." She ran out of the house crying.

Sylina crossed the room and took my hand. "We really need to go pick up the kids," she said. "When I'm late they worry. It takes forever to calm them down."

Two days later, I got a call from a marriage counselor. He had set up an appointment schedule for Sylina and me. I took his number down and told him I would get back to him.

I immediately spoke to my attorney. He told me to go to the sessions. He thought it was a trick. Val's lawyer would probably get her to set up the counseling, hoping it would do some good. On the up side I'd cancel the divorce I had just filed for. On the low end, if I didn't show up for it, she could use it against me in court.

I showed up for the first session. A large woman who didn't wear a lab coat greeted us. Surprisingly she reclined on a sofa, while we took chairs facing her.

For the first session we outlined what we wanted. Val wanted our marriage back and I wanted a divorce. Following that Val spent the rest of the hour telling us now she felt and what led to her he walking out on me.

She told me how everything that I had based my life on was a lie. She told us how the births of my children were horror filled events for her. She talked about not understanding her own feelings and how she had never realized how much she loved me until she left. She talked about how as soon as she'd spent a few days with Steve, she'd realized that she'd made a mistake. The rest of the time that we'd been apart had been her trying to get home to me and the kids, except for the past week.

For the past week she'd been staying with her cousin Amy. It had been Amy who was partly responsible for Val realizing that she loved me more than she had ever imagined. All she wanted was a chance to put our family back together again.

The therapist was sniffling. I could tell that she believed every word of Valerie's bullshit.

"How many times did you fuck your old boyfriend?" I asked.

"None," said Val, angrily. "It didn't happen. My relationship with Steve wasn't like that. You more than anyone else should know that!"

"You and I got together, after I had broken up with Steve. Who was the first man I had sex with?" she asked angrily.

"Me," I said.

"Exactly," she spat. "Apparently, Steve saw me as more than just someone to fuck, but the man I married only looks at me as someone to deposit his sperm in."

"But," I began.

"And you," she continued. "Have you been sleeping alone since I left?"

"Absolutely not," I said. "I have no reason to. You told me to move on with my life and I did. You told me that you had never loved me so I found someone who did. I have nothing to be ashamed of and I'm not apologizing for anything I did. I think we should get this divorce moving so I can continue moving on and you can get back to good old Steve."

"But there's nothing between me and Steve. I see now that there never was. I guess I was unrealistic about what love is, Honey. I thought it would be like the movies. You know that we'd walk around with stars in our eyes and our hearts would ache if we were away from each other for only a few minutes," she said. "But I've gotten a dose of reality and I know what real love is now. The whole time I was away, I couldn't stop thinking about you and all of those awful things I said. Even when I was talking to Steve, you were on my mind. I love you Josh. I just never realized it."

The counseling sessions were more or less all out argument sessions. The therapist just let us run with it, as long as we didn't go too far. I think that her strategy was for us to get all of our vitriol out. Once we'd exhausted our anger then she could begin to steer us towards things that were more constructive. At least I hoped that was her strategy. To be honest I think that I saw her asleep a few of those times.

Behind the scenes though, Valerie was making her moves. She had a good attorney, who was clearly more on the ball than mine was. But in my lawyer's defense, they had never asked for a meeting or done anything to let us know that they were mounting any type of action. We had all of the cards on our side.

After all she had suddenly and without reason or warning simply abandoned our kids and me. She had told me in no uncertain terms in front of witnesses, that she had never loved me and didn't want our kids. It was especially damning that those witnesses were her own parents.

So one lazy summer afternoon when Sylina, the kids and I were returning from a picnic in the woods near our house, we were really surprised see a strange car in our driveway. A very tall, very slim, extremely pretty blond woman got out. She looked like a college student and she smiled at me as she stepped up.

She was chewing gum and she cracked it several times. She carried a briefcase and she got several papers out of it. "Are you Joshua Beckett?" she asked.

I nodded and Sylina moved over to us and put her arm around me. She clearly considered this woman a thread at and wanted to establish her territory.

"Down girl," said the woman. "I'm only here on business. It's really shitty, snaky, underhanded business, but it's my job. Besides look at his eyes. You have nothing to worry about. Josh here loves you like there's no tomorrow." Sylina smiled.

"Anyway," said the woman, handing me a stack of papers. "I'm really sorry, but you've been served."

"Don't be sorry!" I said excitedly. "That's the best news I've had in months. Now, we can get this divorce moving ... Oh yeah! ... Oh yeah!" Even as I said it I was dancing and doing pelvic thrusts. My kids jumped up and started dancing too.

"Uh Josh!" called the woman, stopping my enthusiastic display. I turned to look at her. "First off ... White guys just can't pull that dance off without looking really stupid." She turned to Sylina.

"Don't let him dance like that in public, okay?" she said. Sylina nodded her head. "Josh, I have to check the names on the papers before they're served to assure that I don't deliver the documents to the wrong person. I've seen literally thousands of sets of divorce papers. The documents I gave you were NOT divorce papers."

She turned to Sylina. "I absolutely love your hair," she said. "Are you Sylina Gomez?"

"Yep," said Sylina. "I love your shoes. Are they Louboutin's?"

"Absolutely," said the woman cracking her gum several times. "Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. But it's my job." She turned, got back in her car, and drove away.

I looked at the papers the woman had given me and couldn't believe it. Valerie's lawyer had pulled a really shitty trick.

Since I, meaning my lawyer hadn't filed any type of injunction to keep Valerie out of the house, it created somewhat of a legal vacuum. Val's lawyer had rushed in to fill that loophole. He had claimed that Valerie had left the home of her own choice and so should be allowed to return. She would not interfere in any way with my rearing of our children, but wanted the chance to return the family to a sense of normalcy while we were trying to put our marriage back together.

That fucking idiot therapist that we were seeing had written down that she didn't feel there was any problem with us occupying the same domicile and that it might help in our efforts to reconcile. I was shocked. The papers were a court order allowing Valerie to move back in.

Sylina's papers were worse. She was being charged with impeding the reconciliation efforts and was ordered to withdraw from the premises until the divorce had been either completed or the settlement had been reached in the event that the divorce could not be prevented.

I immediately pulled out my phone and got my lawyer on it. I explained to him what was going on and told him to take care of it and to pick his game up or he would be replaced.

I didn't know what to do. Sylina had run into my arms and was crying her eyes out. My kids were crying their eyes out too. I was trying to reassure them all that it was a temporary thing when a taxi pulled up and Valerie got out of it. She had a couple of small suitcases with her and walked towards us smiling.

"Are those tears of joy?" she asked. She looked at Sylina questioningly. "Why are you still here?"

Before Syl, could reply, Robbie ran towards his mother. Even at six years old, he'd been hurt by Valerie abandoning us. In his mind, Sylina was Val's replacement and Val had made Sylina cry.

Robbie ran up to Valerie and she put her arms out, anticipating a hug. Robbie kicked her in her shin so hard that he hurt his own foot besides nearly breaking Val's leg. Even as she fell to the ground, she pushed herself back up and reached her arm out to hit him. That was a mistake because Sylina knocked her back down and scooped Robbie up in her arms to protect him.

"Oh fuck! That little monster," screamed Valerie. "Josh did you see what he did? You'd better teach that kid some manners or I will! That's another reason why I didn't want any fuckin' ..." She paused when she realized what she was about to say.

"That's another reason why I didn't want any ... strangers helping to bring up our children," she said.

* * * * * *

Valerie

The next few weeks were the worst in my life. It felt like it was me against the entire world.

I went into the house and watched from the window as my husband and both of my kids hugged another woman like it was the end of the world. I shrugged my shoulders and went upstairs. I never expected things to be easy but it was all going according to my plan.

It took a while but Josh finally brought the kids in. My leg was still throbbing where Robbie had kicked me. I plastered a smile to my face as I heard them come up the stairs.

Josh went into the room with them and they were playing some sort of game. I looked around the corner and watched them. Robbie saw me out of the corner of his eye and turned towards me. Josh also turned towards me so I quickly retreated to the bedroom. It wasn't the time for me to intrude on them. It was too soon and they were still too angry at me.

When Josh came into our bedroom, he looked at me in confusion. "Josh, Honey, where are all of my clothes?" I asked. "There are a lot of women's clothes in here. They're all very nice and very expensive, but I can't fit any of them. I can't get your ass into those skirts or the pants."

I had to play up the things that Josh liked about me the most.

"I threw all of your shit away," he said angrily.

"Okay, I'll have to buy new clothes," I said cheerfully. "Would you like to go with me? You can dress me any way you want. It'll be like having your own personal Barbie, but with a big juicy ass the way you like. You can dress me as classy as you want or as slutty as you want. I'll be dressing for you from now on."

"What I really want is to know why the fuck you're in my bed," he said. "We aren't going to be sleeping together or anything else."

"Josh, how are we supposed to make our marriage work of we don't share a bed?" I asked. "Don't you miss this?" I pulled the blanket away so he could see that I was naked under it.

"Nope," he said. "Not at all. Now get the fuck out of my room!"

"Josh, where am I supposed to sleep?" I asked. "The house only has four bedrooms. The kids have their own rooms and we used the last bedroom as a home office."

"You can enjoy that ugly ass couch you picked out," he snapped. "The court order says you can return to the house. The living room is part of the house. And I'll be seeing my lawyer tomorrow to see what I have to do to break it."

Then he left the room to go and get the kids ready for bed. Again I watched them, trying to find weaknesses that I could exploit.

"I came to read you a story, Yvette," he told our daughter. She crossed her arms across her chest even as she started to yawn. "I want Sylina to read it," she pouted. "She doesn't even read them. She makes up stories and does all of these voices and stuff."

"Hold that thought, Baby Girl," he said. He ran out of the room. I stepped in after he had gone. It had taken me a few minutes to find one of his shirts to put on.

"Yvette, do you want Mommy to read you a story?" I asked.

"No," she said. "You don't read to us." She was right about that. I never had before. Seconds later Josh was back with his iPad. He put it down on the nightstand next to Yvette's bed, and using either Skype or FaceTime, Sylina told Yvette a time story. I was pissed. After she was asleep Josh came out of the room. He took one look at me and turned to me.

"Take my God damned shirt off," he snapped. Again the anger in his voice surprised me. He used to love to see me wearing his things. He told me it was the sexiest thing on earth.

I handed him the shirt and walked naked down the stairs. "Cover yourself up," he snapped. "I don't need you scaring the kids."

The next afternoon I got my mom to lend me her car to pick up the kids. I asked her where my dad was and found out that he was at the veteran's hall helping to set up for their monthly dinner. She would join him there in time for the dinner, but watching a bunch of older men move tables and chairs was boring to her.

She also told me that she had to go and get her hair done and get a new outfit. I asked her why she went to so much trouble. Her answer surprised me. She loved my dad with all of her heart. She wanted to look good for him.

"But why?" I asked. "You guys are stuck with each other. You've been married for like a hundred years."

"Valerie, Honey, you know I love you, but I don't understand why you don't understand it," she said. "Do you remember the day you said all of those awful things to Josh and your father and me? Do you remember the devastated look on Josh's face? He looked as if he was going to be sick. He looked like someone had taken a spoon and scooped his heart out of his chest, still beating. Can you remember that?"

"Mom, men always get that look. Men are driven by sex and Josh knew that he was about to lose his supply of readily available, free pussy. When I left he went out and found that tall skinny blond bitch that I can't stand. He started fucking her so I no longer mattered. Now that I'm back, he'll start fucking me again, and everything will be fine," I said. "Maybe I'll even try to get along with his kids. That's how she got to him so easily isn't it?"

My mother looked at me as if she'd never really known me.

"Mom if you have the car and you're lending it to me, how is Dad getting around?" I asked.

She looked at me then and looked down. "Josh ... Uhm ... You know he loves his Mustang," she said. "And he has his Jeep for winter and rainy days and hauling stuff. And after you left, he uhm ... He didn't need three cars so he gave your Mercedes to your dad."

"I want my car back," I said angrily. "Dad should never have accepted it."

"Then you need to talk to Josh," she snapped. "The car is in his name and he's the one who's still paying for it. Your dad loves that car. It's up to Josh. And to tell you the truth, I like having a car of my own. Speaking of which, I'll need this car back by six o clock."

"That should be doable," I said. "I'll pick the kids up and you can drop me off at our counseling session. I'll ride home with Josh."

"Who's going to watch the kids while you two are in counseling?" she asked.

"Mom, Josh has custody of the kids. He'll figure it out. I'm just going to pick them up as a surprise for him," I told her. "If all else fails he can bring them with him and let them play in the waiting room while we talk or argue or whatever we do."

It didn't exactly work out that way. I got to the school that the kids attended and found that I couldn't get in. I wasn't on some security list so the guards wouldn't let me in the building.

I started screaming and acting crazy until the security guards escorted me to the principal's office. I spoke to her and showed her my ID and she explained to me that Josh would have to put me on the approved list of people who could pick the kids up. Even though they were my biological children, I wasn't able to pick them up without approval from Josh.

I explained to her that I had just moved back in with my family and we were trying to make things work. I begged her to allow me to take them home just that one time and I would have Josh put me on the list.

She told me that there was no way she could do that without risking a law suit, but that the point was moot anyway. Sylina had already picked the kids up.

I was pissed. I called Josh. He practically bit my head off. He told me not to ever call him at work unless it was important. I asked him to put me on the list to pick the kids up and he said, "No," and that we'd talk about it.

I went back to the house. I wanted to watch Sylina with the kids. But they weren't there. The house was empty. I realized that Josh was always thinking about the kids, that was nothing new. He had probably arranged for Sylina to watch them while we were at counseling.

I drove the car back to my mother and got her to drop me off at the counseling session. I had a cup of coffee in the restaurant on the first floor while I waited for the time of our session.

There were a bunch of things I wanted to talk about that night including Josh giving my car away and throwing my clothes away. But as I drank my coffee, I realized that Josh had been trying to get over me. One way of dealing with his anger and pain had been to get rid of everything that reminded him of me. It made sense and I suppose that I had only myself to blame.

I went up to the therapist's office and found her going through papers. She looked up as if she was surprised to see me.

"Why are you here Mrs. Beckett?" she asked.

"I'm here for our session," I said.

"You got me in trouble," she said. "Well I guess your lawyer did. He used my opinion to help get the judge to agree to that order to get you back in your house. I had no idea that your husband disagreed with it. Your husband called and cancelled our sessions. He used my presence on your court order as proof of partiality. This could affect my ability to get the court to refer clients."

I think she sensed that I didn't give a third of a damn about her problems.

I ended up having to take a taxi home. I sat on the couch and waited angrily for Josh to get home.

It was eight p.m. about an hour before the kids' bedtime when they stepped in laughing and giggling.

They walked right by me as if I wasn't sitting there on the sofa they went upstairs for baths and tucking in. Yvette got her usual bedtime story from Sylina over her dad's iPad.

I waited for the kids to go to sleep before confronting Josh.