All Comments on 'Alii Drive'

Stupid way to tell a story, half in present tense and half in past tense. Two stars for having such cliched and brain dead characters.

Dropped one dumb slut amd got together with another dumb slut. Our main character is a true connoisseur of low iq whores.

I wonder why he never confronted her about her breasts starting to tan nor did he bother to go to M beach to catch her.

Also, he divorces his wife for cheating, as he should, but he is OK with now being with a confirmed cheater? A woman who when married had an affair with the same man his wife did? Maybe she learned her lessen bit it shows she is just as weak as his now ex wife. So if he can forget or forgive what Kiki did to her husband why not do the same for his wife?

got rid of a predator and taught a cheater a lesson

Thoroughly enjoyed your engaging tale. My only constructive criticism would be to ask for more description of Hillary's realization of how stupid she had been. Thanks for writing this interesting story.

Very good. I would like to have heard a bit more about what happened to Hilary and how her life went to shit. 5 stars

I really like your story. 5.

but 1 bonus * for getting rid of the stupid bitch. 4*

And edit some more.

Ok story though.

Yeah, it was difficult to follow in a spot there in the middle, but beyond that, the plot was too funny. Expand your horizons.

liked the story-5

OOPPSS, bad karma is a bitch.

It does not seem that monogamy was her strong suit. Her predator just saw opportunity and took it. He would probably be unsuccessful on 19 out of 20 women. May I never cross paths with a woman like that!

Okay, I get it, but a good word processor would have caught the duplicates. Now on the story, well, I guess I get it. Personally I think Hilary was the lucky one, she moved through her understanding of herself and moved on. Now on the hidden bank account, that is harder than it sounds and will get you into major shit if it ever gets found. It is not worth it. In our society holding back or oversharing sex is okay, holding back money will get you a long prison sentence - it is NEVER worth it.

No remorse. It was too late for his marriage but maybe someone else’s will be saved from this “Apex” predator. Banks found out too late that he wasn’t at the top of the food chain.

he can't and that's her version of marriage

The wife had obvious fidelity issues from the beginning of the story and was comfortable lying to her husband as it suited her. I don't believe he ever got anything close to the truth out of her about what she was doing behind her husband's back in Seattle.

Women who can't stay away from strange dick don't know shit about love and commitment. The wife was also pretty hypocritical about the extra martial sex. If casual sex out side of the marriage was no big deal than she would have told her husband he was free to go out and dip his wick in as much strange pussy as he wanted since they were all free to expand their horizons. No harm no Foul, eh?

Except wifey about shit a brick when a topless Kiki walked out of their bedroom. Sex is only meaningless to woman when its them doing it with someone else.

Husband should have dumped the wife on the mainland prior to leaving for Hawaii and saved himself a shit load heartache ad trouble.

Hilary is definitely a sub. She's weak willed and easily coerced into situations. She's willing to overlook the obvious in order to be commanded. Bryan seemed to understand this from the first event because he no longer trusted her. I think he should have either left her the first time and cut bait or became that commandeering personality just for her in order to keep her in line.

Could have been a good story. The characters were over-the-top cliche... the wife especially--typical blond bimbo syndrome, I guess. The antagonist was perfectly evil--one pictures him twirling his mustache as he smirks at the hero, etc., etc. Murder is never a good ending. It shows the writer has only marginal skills at developing a story. Very sad... I gave this one star, in recognition of the fact that he had the courage to actually submit this... whatever it is.

From my vantage point in my ninth decade, people in their early thirties are still very young. Bryan is enamored of Hilary and chooses to ignore her very active sexual life before they met. Why does he think that with the wide variety of sexual partners she had that she would be satisfied with only him for the rest of their lives. He witnessed innumerable situations where she flirted and perhaps even consummated the flirtation. He manages to extricate her from some compromising situations, but the handwriting is on the wall even if he chooses not to read it.

However...who is really to blame in the illicit relationship between Hilary and Banks. It would appear that everyone knows about Banks and his Pussy Hound approach. Bryan hears about Kiki's experience and the other people warned Bryan. It was apparently inevitable that a 2 week hiatus in their lives would cause Hilary to hop in Banks' bed. Is this Banks' fault? Everyone knows his style, even Bryan and Hilary. Bryan should have sat down with Hilary and told her that he understood where Banks was coming from and that if she succumbed to Banks charm their marriage was over. No discussion!!! She really knew about Bryan's jealousy and she knew where it would all end up. Banks is not the real villain - Hilary is and the cruel punishment Banks receives is really not deserved. A wolf should not be punished for behaving like a wolf. Hilary should not have received the mortal punishment Banks got, but she should have been thrown to the curb if she couldn't keep her panties on. I could see where this story was going as soon as we found out about Corey's magic attractant, but there was no way to avoid the course of the story. It went it's inevitable way to the gruesome end complete with the punishment of Hilary and the hook-up with Kiki. Not a bad tale even if flawed. 4*

And spread her love and legs all over

and well told!

...then you die. A) he should have checked here underwear much sooner and B) he should have had a chat with Banks before it got that far!

It's SHARK WEEK Motherfuckers!

Thanks for sharing your work. I'm not usually into over-the-top revenge stories, but I enjoyed this and look forward to your next.

Everyone got what they deserved in the end!

5

One suggestion: You constantly change between past and present tense. All of the story should have been told in past tense. For example, the line that reads:

"Hilary is staring with a shocked expression on her face."

Should have been:

"Hilary stared, with a shocked expression on her face."

But other than that, it was pretty good. Thanks for posting.

Enjoyed your story. "5"

Nice story and no you can't please all the readers all of the time but some unnecessary criticism from the anons on this. @overcritical...yes you are but enjoyed it enough for 4* as did I. Thank you Gumbo25 it was an entertaining tale.

The constant back and forth between present and past tense is aggravating and destroys the flow of the story.

did this story get a red H?

Excellent.

Enjoyed the story. Your writing will improve when you understand the difference between past perfect and past tense. Think about what the sentence would look like if the proper tense was used. People that speak and write this way appear uneducated. Trying to be constructive here. 5*

After the doctor he should never have allowed it to go that far with Banks. Yeah, he solved his problem but way after the should have.

Try harder next time.

2* and i was being charitable

Banks is the real villain and got exactly what he deserved. He intentionally preyed on married women. You may not want to kill the fox, but sometimes you have to, to protect the chickens. The only mistake made was not killing the fox sooner, before another chicken was lost.

Loving wives revenge stories are not my usual favorites but there are good revenge stories and bad revenge stories. This is one of the very good ones. You write well and it was a pleasure to read. I'm continually amazed at the kind of stupidity displayed by the women in these tales but I'm also amazed at the genuine real life stupidity of so many people. Implausible as Hilary's behavior is, I've seen it done before with my own eyes. Thanks for a really entertaining read!

5 *s. Writing was good, but the story was excellent. No wimps. No husbands so naive and stupid that you have to root for the cheating wife. Original idea and believable to top it off. Thanks for posting it.

you can obviously handle dialogue and you are good with details But your characters seem flat,,no emotions, no motivation (except revenge) You don't make us care for any of your men or women. And why the confusing and irritating switch between tenses?

You're wolf analogy works against your point, seeing as how wolves are regularly punished, and even killed, for ignoring the territorial boundaries of other predators.

When you make certain choices, you accept EVERY possible consequence of those choices, up to and including being murdered by the man whose wife you're porking.

The apex predator was out apexed.

This checked the right boxes for a high score in Loving Wives.

1) Man catches wife cheating and divorces her

2) Man kills wife's boyfriend

3) Man hides huge assets in divorce

4) Man finds a prettier, sexier woman with bigger tits

5) Ex-wife is miserable.

No matter how many times you write it, this combination will enthrall and endear many readers. It brings balance to their world. Keep cranking them out.

She was so stupid its a wonder she was able to walk and breathe at the same time.

He was just as much a dumb ass.

A tad too long, 4 pages at most.

Could have been a really good story though.

Three things. Why don't men do more when they realize a smooth talking operator is trying to move in on their wives? Of course, if they did, we wouldn't have the loving wives section. Secondly, you could use a good editor. This was far too long and wordy. Third - he should have gotten a reward from Mrs. Banks! Entertaining though.

4 stars

Well, Dazzy, the characters as written couldn't do that.

Hilary was under Banks spell. Bryan tried to warn her, but she couldn't see the danger or anticipate the consequences.

Banks was convinced that he was an "apex predator" (I know that was needed as a plot device, but I can't imagine a man actually seeing and describing himself that way) and would have what he wanted. He was going to continue his seduction and expect that Bryan would accept it eventually.

I've never understood the appeal of this type of story. I'd also expect Kiki to be more sympathetic to someone else who was conned the same way she was.

Here is the odd thing. So, Kiki had been the exact same victim of Banks' as Hillary was. She had fallen for his b.s. and had slept with him that ended up causing her own divorce.

Bryan had actually fallen for Banks' charm as well. Now, both being hetero it had not gone anywhere sexual, but he had liked the guy a great deal to the point of wanting Hillary to become good friends with him, and hadn't seen Banks for the predator that he was.

So, it was very odd for Kiki to make fun of Hilary's naivete. She had fallen for the same exact thing that she had fallen for. The more decent approach would have been for Kiki to pull Hilary aside, let her know of her experience, let her know that just like her own marriage Hilary's marriage with Bryan was broken beyond repair. That they've both been conned by a con man. It cost both of them their marriage, but that Hilary can recover from this, just like she had. But that the marriage was irretrievably broken.

So, as a future partner Kiki has four major faults. She is as gullible as Hilary obviously was. She is not a compassionate person. She is someone that doesn't see their own faults and shames others for her own shortfalls. It's one thing for her to play the "girlfriend" so that Hilary thinks that Bryan has moved on. It's another to make fun of Hilary's naivete like she did. And last not wise enough to offer a win-win solution to Bryan where she can help Hilary realize that Bryan needs to move on, as well as, help another victim of a con man move on herself.

Burn the Bitch & Burn the Bastard! You gave away the ending of Banks way too soon, but it was fun reading how his demise occurred. Never fuck with an analyst - we think too far ahead of most humans.

A shark’s jaws would never ever crunch a tortoise - no matter how big the shark. A tortoise is a land animal, different from a sea turtle. A shark could never have any contact with a tortoise.

Loved the story and LOVED how Bryan got that bastard for ruining his marriage. Daaamn, that bastard got eaten alive ! Serves him right

Humans don't sit well with them,causes agida....

I agree with others that it is weird he doesn't warn Hillary that if she sleeps with Banks it is over, and why when she leaves to stay w Banks doesn't he just tell her you walk out,it is over? He could still have his revenge on Banks for seducing her and can still divorce her....

As far as Kiki goes I get a little tired of the any cheating you go to hell.Kiki made a mistake, she hated herself for it,hated banks and immediately told her husband the truth,she took responsibility. People who have a 1 time fling bc they were weak or drunk are not sluts or serial cheaters,when you make a mistake and try to atone for it you break the chain,it is how it works.Compare that to the evsngelical types who get caught and say 'The devil made me do it,Jesus forgives me', and never even try to truly repent beyond mea culpa I have sinned bullshit,never atone or acknowledge their own guilt in it.Kiki blamed banks but she took it on herself.

Would be interesting to see what happens with Hillary, her story and does she ever try to make amends to Bryan or does she end up with scumbag the doctor.

He marries a blond bimbo. As you wrote it . Kiki another hot bimbo . Kills her predator or shall we say murders him. Now we all know you can’t keep you wife out of there home while still married. He could have intercepted banks before he brainwashed her dead. Head. We all know about brain washing.just look at all the lies trump puts out and his base loves it. So much for a weak plot . Plus someone knows what he did,how can you sleep at night knowing that can come up in time.

a whole bottle of shark attractant and only got used on one person. Damn, should have let the whore expand her horizons some more too.

Heyy paybacks are a bitch eh ??

And dontcha just luv a happy ending ???

I could see how it was going to end about half way through but it was a great read! Thanks for the story and looking forward to your future stories.

Thanks a bunch for this! 5*

I can identify with the first part of the story as my wife is a nurse. Very early in our marriage, she joined a clique of co-workers of similar age (under 25.) They often hot the bars after their 3-11 shift to burn off steam of their high pressure ER jobs. During the summer of our second year of marriage, she became emotionally and sexually involved with a resident (young doctor) for a brief time. She frequently snuck in after 3am (bars closed at 2) and grabbed a shower before coming to bed. A nasty conversation one morning, a parking lot confrontation with the doctor and an ultimatum put a stop to the episode.

Otherwise, a very good story destined for a very deserved high rating.

LOL, all that eastern philosophy and new age hippie bullshit that Banks spouts and yet he forgot the most important of tenets. As the ancient Tibetan philosophy states, 'Don't start none, won't be none. :)

I assume that he lowered the boat ladder before he left the boat. Good story.

A good story.

But not great.

A good, colorful, interesting plot.

But based on the hero being an idiot.

Remember Doctor Dick?

That's where the trust died.

Still he planned a life with the slut.

Idiot.

The best stories have great plots

without idiots or wimps.

Many of the big guns now write shorter stories.

With simpler plots.

But without idiots or wimps.

They get top ratings from me.

Gumbo25 improves with every story.

That's nice to see.

But with an idiot as the hero here,

the story gets 4 out of 5 from me.

I couldn't disagree more. Kiki wasn't making fun of Hilary's "naivete", she was helping Bryan expose his wife's blatant lying and hypocrisy.

"Bryan, why are you so hung up on the sexual part of my healing and self realization. I was doing this for us."

Hilary didn't show an iota of remorse for her infidelity. The idea that she spent weeks getting ploughed by Banks to improve her marriage is laughable! Hilary was seduced into an affair and loved every second of it... she didn't give a crap about her husband while cheating on him. Kiki quoted Banks' new age crap at the soon to be ex-wife, because everyone there knew it was bullshit.

If Hilary had genuinely believed all the nonsense she was spouting, she would have been pleased for Bryan that he was on his own "healing journey of self-realisation". Instead, she acted with jealousy and outrage. All the hippy crap was just a feeble excuse for her appalling behaviour.

There's also a huge difference between Kiki and Hilary's infidelity. Kiki was charmed into sleeping with Banks one time, making a terrible mistake that she regretted immediately. She was so filled with remorse, that Kiki confessed to her husband when he returned, and ended up divorced and heartbroken because of it.

Hilary began a protracted affair before Bryan had even left for his business trip. Then when he returned, she openly cuckolded him, throwing her affair in his face and humiliating the poor bastard. She only came back to Bryan when Banks was dead; she didn't regret the affair, and never apologised for hurting him.

Kiki made an awful mistake and tried to atone for it. Hilary was a selfish, entitled cunt.

It's no real surprise that you missed the point in yet another story. You've proven in the past that you have the reading comprehension skills of an 8th grader.

"No matter how many times you write it, this combination will enthrall and endear many readers. It brings balance to their world. Keep cranking them out."

Maybe next time give it a bit of novelty.

Perhaps have it narrated first person by the shark?

Lue

It seems a long time since we had a story I could enjoy like this. OK it has flaws, see below, but it worked.

(Perhaps just a trifle OTT that he finds his new life partner within minutes of deciding to dump the old?)

I thought you telegraphed nearly every plot move, which limited any suspense. I gave you marks for no electronic mikes or cameras. His investment business didn’t ring true, might have been better to have him do something more ordinary.

Got you a good score though!

The problem with this story is the same Problem that this particular author has with his other stories. The husband appears to be brain deadly stupid and the conversations never seem to actually take place that should take place.

In particular the obvious reaction from other people who have known this guy banks much longer then is husband a wife require is a conversation. Even at a party the normal course of conversation would be Hey you look like you know this guy Mr. Banks and you don't like him what's the story?

Instead we are bored to tears with page after page about how the husband has to travel here and go to this conference and the old commodities All the time there is never an actual conversation about What the wife is doing for weeks and weeks on end with Mr. Banks.

Good story

What a fitting end for Banks... awesomely gruesome

The story does not relate any change in Hilary's essential character. She was shallow, deceptive, greedy, arrogant, and really really stupid. So Bryan got what he married. I mean, the stupid slut STILL had no guilt or remorse for fucking Banks. Who marries a woman like that? Who could even want to date a woman that mentally and emotionally dysfunctional? There is no pussy worth the grief. If it wasn't for feeding the asshole to the sharks this would have rated a 4. Like Hillary, I'm just a sucker when someone tells me what I want to hear.

Thanks for the effort. It was a fun read.

But after reading LW stories for twenty years it's difficult not to become rather jaded by this kind of effort. Of course the husband watches the problem rather than deals with it (wouldn't you?). Of course, the wife was amazingly stupid (aren't they all?). Of course murder and large-scale financial fraud are appropriate responses to adultery (can't think why not, can you?). Of course the police are stupid enough to let him get away with it (they only go after adulterers don't they?). And, of course, the commenters are lining up to say what a fantastic creation it is. Can't we raise our standards a bit? Perhaps drag our emotional age out of the mid-teens?

There is not a chance in hell that Kiki wouldn't have tried to intervene when she saw Banks seducing Hilary. At the very least she would have been sympathetic. And come on, what type of idiot who claims to love his wife would allow her and the guy she's fucking into his house and act like everything is ok if it's not? His "oh well" attitude about her leaving with him and her not staying in touch all week was one of the dumbest things I read. We are expected to believe that this man who plots to feed another man to sharks is just going to let that slide? Nope. I will give you credit for the way he sought revenge, other than that, it fails.

I agree with 27thNC and the 2 comments before it. This story although technically written desently was a jumble of conflicting personality traits that simply don't work in a logical way. The seduction was realistic but nothing else! No ones reaction to the process was realistic in the least. The biggest example being; why the f*** would our hero dump one wife for cheating with Banks and take up with the one person who could have stopped the issue before it started? Kiki is in no way an acceptable option for his second wife! She cheated on her husband with the same guy! Obtuse and ignorant story line.

There’s a balance between a good setup to where the fact that she’s clearly cheating and the husband is still thinking “maybe we can work this out” lol.

If you skip the first 3 pages, you might end up liking the protagonist more.

Great story again from this author. Hillary was a cheating and lying to Bryan since her shady actions with the doctor. She was an easy target for Banks, and souls have been just as easy for the next guy who came along. I actually thought Bryan was going to feed both cheaters to the sharks, but I'm happy with it just being Banks. I don't think Hilary will suffer very long, she will probably look up her doctor love when back on the mainland. Great story in my view.

Love it. It was funny, topical, and when taken in context with the history of cults and charismatic individuals (Ted Bundy, Charles Manson, as examples) believable. The ability of people to deceive themselves is the grist for all the con artists in the world.

Entertaining story. I guess I don’t really buy into the complete naïveté of the wife, who surely had at least half a brain. She’s weak willed and too easily seduced. It would have been nice if she came to her senses and realized it, rather than behaving like a cult victim, but there are many ways to play it. She’s a prop in this story.

Thanks Gumbo, I enjoyed this one. Appreciate the time you put into giving us something good (and free) to read. I'd actually like to see you write about some of the side characters... Kiki's story would be good.

"But I thought YOU were the apex predator?"

FLAWLESS VICTORY! James Bond would absolutely buy you a martini for that line... Hell, Sir Ian Fleming might have bought you a bottle!

You need an editor-badly-but don't let that stop you! Your characters are all amazing. The MC is intelligent, flawed but fair and consistent throughout the whole story, a lot of times a guy becomes a punk or a superhero for a page and a half and it throws me off. You wrote a wife I could see actually loving but with a built-in soft spot that she should have known to guard. You made the douchebag the martial artist! Normally I would hate him having the physical advantage but it turns out one well-sorted plan was too much for his kung-fu!

Great job, Gumbo, you definitely got flavor!

Thanks for writing!

Good one.

If he could have gotten Hillary out on the boat for that fateful last five. Would have saved our her oodles of money in the divorce.

How could you even hint at Hillary's indignation at her husband fucking someone else? That made no sense.

Hubby was a bit of a nong. It was a shame he didn’t get his stupid wife to go diving as well.

I did like the ending, a lot

But for gods sake, pick a tense and stick with it. The jumping around in time is already confusing enough without the constant switching between present tense and past tense. Either the story is something happening in the moment and we the readers are supposed to imagine it happening to the protagonist moment by moment or the story is being told to us afterwards by the protagonist.

It's disorienting as hell without a motivation for the switches back and forth.

Fuck the players of the world.

I really enjoyed the story and it’s location. Characters well developed and a nice change of location and The Demise. Thanks for sharing. Top marks.

Funny there was a Bryan and Hillary on an episode of Hawaii Life. But I think the similarities ended there.

It is hard to relate to a loser like Bryan. Too many of these stories end with the woman wanting the cuck back. Why would Hilary want Bryan back? She made a good decision. Bryan is a dull man who relies on money to get women. This should be in non-erotic and maybe the only people who like this are bitter cuckolds who hate the fact that women prefer other men

Well-written, cleverly developed, but prone to foreshadowing: wifey's infidelity, his rage, the denouement at sea, even his new lady. What was unexpected was that his anger management techniques would have no control over him morphing amoral cold-blooded killer. There was plenty to dislike about new-age charlatan Banks as well as the wife's vacuous gullibility and mindless adultery. But no one in this tale deserved murder. And why would Corey be okay with him being with Kiki if he guesses the truth?

So he wouldnt stay with one cheating whore of a wife who fucked the man he killed, but he WOULD stay with one cheating whore of a wife who fucked the man he killed?

But I think he should have been more demanding earlier

I hate how he failed to say to her, you fuck him, we are done. Seems an obvious conversation, and it is clearly what he was thinking. Also, he is a psychopath/murderer, so not my favorite protagonist.

Grizzly retaliation but well deserved! Bryan was an absolute moron and furthered Bank's seduction of Hillary by befriending him and throwing them together. Unbelievable that after witnessing Bank's interest in Hillary, he still facilitated their time together. A guy that thick deserved what he got! Still, a good story well told.5*s.

... a story where the shark wins for a change.

Good job. 5 stars.

Worth reading again: "So he wouldn't stay with one cheating whore of a wife who fucked the man he killed, but he WOULD stay with one cheating whore of a wife who fucked the man he killed?"

Lol !!!

Still, I loved the story, 5 *s

Real good. Feel good.

He forgot to place the access ladder back on the side of the boat. The cops would see that as proof of someone else being on the boat at the time of Banks shark attack.

Readers like to think the author knows something about what he is writing about. Sinius pain is a common problem for divers and is easily managed with decongestant. He didn't have any good training. Dive instructors in Kona are not that dumb.

Good story

Hilary should have went for a scuba dive also

At least he was smart enough not to marry the cheater

That was A true BTB if I ever read one. Oh wait, death becomes Banks. Lol.