Alison's Lament Pt. 02

I didn't dare ignore him. I swallowed, and that simple action seemed to focus my thoughts. What the fuck was I doing, again I'd abandoned the man I loved. I gave the group a brief wave and announced it was late, and I was leaving and made to step over to Jos.

Antonio grasped my arm and said, "That's good, Ashley, it's time we left anyway, we can take my car back to the hotel."

Jos's expression and the sharpness of his words could have cut through steel. "Like, fuck, she, will," he said, each word distinct and separate. "Ali, Ashley and I are going home, and you sure as fuck are not invited."

Antonio smirked at Jos and condescendingly said, "No, it is you who are mistaken, I have invited Ashley to join me at my hotel for drinks, and she accepted a moment ago." He pointed a finger in Jos's direction, "You, I don't invite!"

"Ali, what is this fuck-head talking about?" Jos snarled, and he abruptly closed the distance between us.

I didn't know what I could say, for the past few days I'd professed my love for him in all and every way I could think of. Now I feared he could smell my arousal, and he would guess that the man at my side was the reason. I hung my head in shame and was unable to speak

Around us, the murmur of conversations picked up, and I heard a couple of sniggers. Jos briefly blushed before squaring his shoulders. In the corner of my vision, I was aware that a couple of large men who I guessed were Antonio's security moving towards Jos. They stopped when David materialized beside him.

"Ali, what's going on," Jos repeated. I sent a silent plea to David for help.

David put his hand on Jos's shoulder and squeezed. "I'll deal with this," he said. Then he stepped between Antonio and me and placed his mouth close to my ear.

"Ash, what's going on; have you agreed to go with him?" He spoke in a low voice.

I stayed still, still unable to speak. I gave him a head shake that was half yes, half no. "Did you accept Mr. Rossi's invitation?" David repeated. "I need to know so I can rearrange the security detail."

Jos gave a snarl of anger at his words, and the group of onlookers suddenly became a lot smaller. The two bodyguards again started to move towards him before falling back at a sharp word from David.

It was as though I was coming out of a mist. My gaze flicked between the three of them. Why would... damn it.

I spoke to Antonio, "Toni, I think you must have misunderstood me, thank you for the invitation but I already have plans. I'm going home with my fiancé."

Antoni's expectant expression turned into one that looked like a child who'd had his favorite toy taken away from him. This was the first time I'd refused him, and it was probably the first time he'd ever been so publicly rejected. He started to say something, but I wasn't interested. I turned my back on him; I needed to explain my actions to Jos and hopefully not lose him.

"Sorry," I whispered, desperate to calm him down. "He asked me if I wanted a drink, I thought he meant here," I lied. "I should have remembered he often arranges little intimate parties following these events."

"I take it you've been his guest before?" Jos said coldly. He was right, and it was obvious that I was going to have to be as truthful as possible.

"Not here," I said. I took Jos's hand and was grateful that he squeezed it. Daniel led us out of the reception room.

I kept my voice low as we walked, so only he could hear. "I've not been an angel Jos, so yes, I've been his 'guest' a couple of times, but the last time was several months before I found you again."

I felt him stiffen, so I gave him a smile tinged with sadness. "I'm sorry Jos, this sort of thing is going to happen time and again; we will bump into people I've been involved with in the past, and some of them believe that gives them the right to rub it in your face. Antonio is one of those."

I saw him looking around at the people in the room. I knew what he was thinking; how many more of my lovers had he met tonight.

"I promise I'll tell you who they are if you want. In the pursuit of openness, I can tell you there are only two here tonight, I've had casual dates with several more, but there are only two I've slept with. You know about Simon, and then there's Toni."

When I mentioned him, I couldn't help glancing over my shoulder to see if he was following us. I couldn't see him, but there was a group that appeared to be heading towards the exit.

"And what about Billy?"

I shook my head, "No, not him. That was wishful thinking on his part, I've had a couple of casual dates with him, more as a favor for his publicity team, but that's all. It's not like there have been hundreds," I added, hoping that he wasn't aware of my bad girl phase early in my career.

"I've been pretty picky about who I would share a bed with; there's only been a handful over the past few years. But some of them are still friends or run in the same circles I do, so it's inevitable you'll meet some of them sooner or later."

"That assumes I ever come to one of these events again," he murmured bitterly.

I gave him a rueful smile, "I think you'll like some of them. Others I'm not sure I liked, even when I was involved with them, but you need to understand that they all are in my past, you are the only thing I care about. What about you, any girlfriends I should know about?" I asked, desperate to deflect his attention.

He gave a brief shake of his head, a wry smile acknowledging my attempt to deflect him. "None I've ever been that serious about. I live on a boat, so it's been mostly holiday romances. There was one girl who crewed for me for a year," He said with a hint of wistfulness in his voice that made my stomach twist. "But she decided to go back to school in the States," he added.

We'd reached the lobby of the nightclub and were waiting for the car to arrive. I checked with David and stepped outside to greet the small group of diehard fans. I was taking selfies and signing autographs with them as Jos looked on bemused when Antonio and his bodyguards caught up with us. His previously smiling face now had a bitter, brooding twist to it.

He stepped up to me and brought his face close to mine. His voice was low and angry, "You don't say no to me, you will get in my car," he said in a low hiss. "You are mine for tonight because I've decided you are."

I was shocked that he would address me like this. I knew he was arrogant, that was part of his charm. But this was the first time I'd seen him lose control. Jos and David moved to flank me, and I was so grateful for their support.

Our SUV limo had pulled up in front of us with a second right behind it. This one was apparently Antonio's, as one of his bodyguards stepped over and opened the door. Our driver stood beside the open door of ours and carefully watched the unfolding drama.

"The lady has already told you she's not interested," Jos said.

David stepped between Antonio and me. He placed a hand on Antonio's chest. "Mr. Rossi, you need to walk away," he said authoritatively. "Miss Bell has indicated she has no interest in joining you tonight or at any time in the future. You are making a scene, and the press and the public are lapping it up." His words were counterpointed by the fusillade of flashes and the shouted questions from the ever-present paparazzi.

Antonio's security detail decided for him, pulled him towards his waiting limo. I sighed in relief, and we climbed into the back of ours. I got in first and slid across the back seat, waiting to see where Jos would sit. Lucy got in next, and she sat in the seat facing me. He stepped inside and hesitated before slipping into the seat beside me. I sank back into the soft leather of the seat, glancing at Jos in relief. He wouldn't look in my direction, silently watching the streets through his wind, as the limo effortlessly glided down them.

His voice, when he finally broke the silence, was tinged with sadness. "I'm changing my flight to Malta to one tomorrow. I think you need to take a few days to decide what it is that you really want. I'll stay in the marina until Friday then I'm gone." He didn't need to say what decision he was referring to; I knew.

My mind was racing, had I completely fucked it up with my reaction to Toni? "Are you taking back your invitation?" I asked, fearing his reply.

He took his time to answer. "No," and I started to relax, then he continued. "But I'm confused; it's almost like you are two different people. I see glimpses of the girl I was so in love with. Then there's the spoilt movie star, and I'm not sure I like her, I sure as shit don't know her. We are both older, and we're not the same idealistic teenagers we were. I know I've changed, I'm not willing to let you drag me through all that turmoil again."

"What do you mean?"

He didn't say anything; he just looked around the inside of the limo, his gaze settling on my designer dress and the jewelry I was wearing. I'd raided my safe deposit box and was wearing some of my best pieces. I'd wanted to shine in his presence.

"I don't travel in the same world as you," he said. "Look at you, the jewelry you're wearing is probably worth a hell of a lot more than my boat. Shit, the cheapest piece you're wearing is the ring I gave you."

He was wrong; it was the gold heart still hanging where he'd placed it, the cheapest but by far the most important. I knew his issue was far more than the value of my jewelry. It was the way I'd treated him all evening. The silly thing was I was so proud of him, and I'd dressed up like this for him. I'd wanted to show him how much I loved him; how proud I was of him.

In spite of my intentions, all I'd done was show myself up. If I said the wrong thing now, he would withdraw his invitation to stay with him on his boat. I couldn't lose this opportunity to spend a long time with my lover. The sex was amazing, that would never be an issue. Now we needed to get past the raw sex of the past couple of days and become what we should always have been; a couple fused together by their love.

I fixed my gaze on him, "I don't care about these things. Until you gave me this ring, I only cared about one piece of jewelry, and it's the one you gave to me all those years ago." I fingered the small gold locket that nestled in the hollow of my throat, hidden by the bulk of a quarter-million dollars' worth of a sapphire necklace. "All the rest are just fashion accessories," I added, dismissing the nearly half a million dollars' worth of jewelry I was wearing.

Jos leaned his head back against the headrest and closed his eyes. Lucy looked at both of us, giving Jos a sympathetic smile.

"I told you that it wasn't fair to drop this evening on the poor man," she said to me. "Most of your so-called friends were assholes. You should have guessed they were going to resent anybody that threatened to get between you and them."

Then she turned her attention to Jos, "You've just experienced something I get to see every day of the week, it's the ugly side of fame: parties full of fake friends and opportunistic hanger-on's, jealous of anyone who could distract Ashley's attention away from them."

I added, "It's been like this ever since I finished my first film. Unfortunately, some of them used to be important to my career and still expect me to give them the same deference I used to give them."

"So, where does Antonio fit into all of this?" Jos asked Lucy, ignoring me.

Lucy refused to answer, staring at me; I knew what she was thinking. It was my problem, and I had to explain. I shifted in my seat. "He's my stupid big mistake," I said, not willing to say anything else.

There was a long pregnant pause while Jos contemplated our words. Then he said softly, "Was or still is?"

I swallowed, "Was, as far as I am concerned, but he's a persistent bastard, I don't think we've seen the last of him."

The car drew up in front of the security gate that led down to the garage below my apartment block. After a moment, the gate opened, and we drove down the slope and pulled up by the elevators. David and the driver got out. After a moment, the rear door opened, and Lucy stepped out. I was halfway out before I realized that Jos was making no effort to join us.

"Please," I said, holding out my hand to him. "Come upstairs, and we can talk about your plans. I don't ever want to hurt you again. You need to tell me if I'm not behaving like your fiancée."

I couldn't read his expression, and his voice when he spoke was clipped. "You are not behaving like a fiancée!"

I pulled the door of the car closed behind me and pressed the button to deadlock all the doors.

"Then what are you going to do about it?" I asked, instinctively tightening my hand around the ring on my finger.

No words were spoken. He grasped my arm and pulled me roughly face down over his legs, I gasped in surprise and then hissed as his hand descended on my ass with a sharp crack.

I couldn't help myself, "Fuck that hurt." I hadn't been smacked since I was ten.

"Do you want me to stop?" His voice was cold, and I knew if I said yes, that would be the end of us.

I turned my head so I could see his. "No," I whispered and shivered as he placed his hand back down on my ass. I half expected that he would pull my dress up to make the punishment more embarrassing, but he didn't. He just delivered another half a dozen sharp painful smacks, alternating them from one side to the other. I gasped at each stinging shock, but I never took my eyes off his, and his expression never changed.

After the last smack, there was a long pause while he just left his hand resting on my ass. Finally, I moved to sit next to him, grateful that the seat cushion was soft, and I could see the tears rolling down his face.

He looked so surprised at his action and upset at the pain he'd inflicted that I cupped his face in my hands and gently kissed his tears away.

"I'm sorry that you needed to do that," I whispered. "I earned it, I'm a selfish bitch, and I don't deserve you. I've been treating you like one of the crowd I used to hang out with, and you are so much more than that. Please let me come with you," I pleaded.

He ignored my plea and looked down at his red palm. "I don't know why I did that," he said, the tone of his voice asking for forgiveness, not the words.

"Because I deserved it," I reiterated and waited for him decide my fate. I was scared I'd pushed him too far. I was convinced he still loved me, but which "me" did he love. Old or new me, and had I changed so much that I'd alienated him.

He was too quiet, so I said, "You did nothing wrong, I was in the wrong, and I hurt you. I needed you to show me how you felt, and you just showed me that you still care about me."

"Do you want to tell me about Antonio," he asked? It wasn't really a question. "It was obvious to everyone there, he expected you to go with him tonight, and it looked to me like you were considering it."

Shit, I'd hoped I'd have time to order my thoughts before I needed to explain myself, but a quick glance at Jos told me he wasn't going to let this drop.

I threw caution to the wind. "I said that he was a big mistake, well, that's somewhat of an understatement. He's what kryptonite is to Superman; he has a way of getting under my skin." I gave him a brief smile, hoping that he'd be amused at my words. His expression didn't change.

I sighed inwardly; this was going to be difficult and painful. I didn't want to lie to him, but I also didn't want him to despise me so much that he left me.

"I met Antonio at a party several years ago. He was the epitome of everything I despised. Arrogant and treats women like sexual playthings, expects them to come running when he snaps his fingers, but it turned out he was my perfect storm," I said, using the term that Mia had used. "He would treat me in a way I've never let anybody else. I've never been a person to him, just a sex toy, a body for him to use at his convenience, but I couldn't say no to him."

Jos grunted in anger, and I glanced at him nervously. He gestured for me to continue.

I gulped silently and carried on, hoping I wasn't sealing my fate. "I've never been in love with him," I insisted, "but there is something about him that affects me at a primordial level. You are the only other person who does that for me, but the big difference is that I love you desperately, as well."

"Am I going to have to compete for you with him?"

"Christ, no, you won that battle the moment I saw you in the restaurant."

"In that case, what were you doing this evening?"

"My body momentarily rebelled at a visceral level, forgetting it had already surrendered to you."

"Is it going to forget again?"

"Not if I have you to help me. I'm like a recovering addict, and tonight was me almost relapsing. If I hadn't met you, there's a good chance I would have gone with him to his room and hated myself afterward."

There was a tap at the window of the car door, and I looked up to see Lucy through the tinted glass. I opened the door, and she stuck her head inside.

She gave us a soft smile and said, "The driver wants to know if there's any chance he can have his car back. And by the way, we might not be able to see what was going on, but the car isn't soundproof."

I'm not sure who of the two of us blushed the most. We stepped out of the car, and I started to hold my hand out to Jos, then hesitated. I need him to make the first move to let his actions tell me I was forgiven. He did that man thing of stretching and looking around before stepping in close and wrapping his arms around me. My insecurities vanished in that instance, and I knew I was safe. We were good, and I was going sailing with my love.

Our bed was gently rocking in time with the shifting sea. The motion and the aroma of freshly brewed coffee drew me from my sleep. I opened my eyes to see light dancing across the ceiling of the cabin. A new day was dawning, and we were due to head off to cruise around the islands off the coast of Croatia. Jos had just been given a commission from one of the sailing magazines to write an article for them.

So far, the trip had been everything I'd hoped for. Jos's boat, the Lost Girl, was no luxury yacht, yet that made it so much more. It was a home away from home, a place to understand what made Jos tick; it was full of his memories: a place for the pair of us to grow together and fall in love all over again.

Even the presence of Mandy and Paul, the young couple Jos had hired to help him sail the boat crew was perfect. Paul was Mandy's adoring boyfriend, and once he had got over a brief case of film star hero-worship, he had become a good friend. Mandy was an excellent sailor and took me under her wing; she was like a younger wiser sister. In another time, I would have happily made a play for her young charms but not now. I'd not yet summoned up the courage to admit to Jos that there was a good deal of bi in my makeup. I had no idea how I was going to explain the depth of my relationship with Lucy.

Before we had left the marina, I'd had a long emotional talk with Lucy; I'd told Jos that it was a business meeting, and in truth, the first hour or so had been all business. Later, we were on the balcony of her hotel room overlooking the marina. We were resting on the sun loungers and enjoying the afternoon sun. We had both changed into bikinis, although Lucy's top rested next to the open bottle of wine on the low table beside us. We nursed half-full glasses. Below us in the marina we could catch glimpses of Jos and Mandy working on his boat.

For a few years, Lucy had been so much more than my assistant. She'd been my friend, a sounding board for my twisted emotions, and for the later years, she'd been my confidant and lover. She understood my need for Jos and had just told me she willing to share my attention.