All Comments on 'All His Own Fault Ch. 01'

Absolutely loved it. For a debut it was first rate.

I shall be watching out for your next submission

Thanks for making my evening

Looking forward to the next chapter.

more more more and quickly more please

A nice start, looking forward to reading more!

But the ending left me thinking that the story was just getting started. Is there more?

Fewer exclamations!

Good story

Minor tip; if you feel you need CAPS or “!”, may I suggest hunting for a phrase or metaphor that pulls in the emotion you want. See Dreamcloud’s writing for examples.

Thus:

She looked him straight in the eye and said "Good!" Then handed him a steaming mug of coffee and turned to the stove. "Breakfast is almost done!"

Becomes:

She looked him straight in the eye and said a twinkling "Good," then handed him a steaming mug of coffee and turned back to the stove. "Breakfast is almost done" came from a sparkling red mop.

Very good story for your first. Looking forward to the next chapter.

Your story has a nice beginning, but the overuse of exclamations makes it a difficult read. Easily half of the exclamation points could be removed to improve the flow. Other than that, I’m looking forward to your next chapter.

I am not normally concerned, but some of the lines simply had to be read 10 times for me to follow... Example:

Dawn had often been her "Second in Command", clearly had learned a few things and he now had his orders!

Whose second (HIS mother's)? Sounds like Dawn is the "he".

"Gene felt her settle into his embrace and he felt protective, a need to comfort, anger at the bastard who had hurt her and a feeling that holding her was just...right!"

Please learn to add commas appropriately.

Also, the interruption as though it is his thoughts gets very grating. Example:' He deleted them all but the threatening ones ("Because, You never know!").' I get that it can be a stylistic thing, but please consider using indirect speech referring to his thoughts.

I rarely quibble but this was a nice story that felt hard to read due only to sentence structure and style. 4 stars nonetheless...

I, too, had to reread in a few places because I was having a hard time understanding who was saying what. I liked the plot - believable - and I think you made a terrific first effort. Perhaps 2 page chapters might be a bit better. I gave you a 4-star rating but think you show promise for more. Thank-you.

Part 2? Great start.

Thanks for all the feedback. Sorry the next chapter is taking so long to do. Life getting in the way. Will get to work on it as soon as my life allows.

A person should not have to take that kind of treatment (nice way of saying shit) from another

He better watch out, I love redheads, the ones i have known are smart some have a little rough around the edges but all in all strong people. There have been times when having a redhead in my corner save everyone a lot of pain