All I Ever Wanted Ch. 03

One time I took her to the Mambo Inn at the Loughborough Hotel in Brixton, because Gran had been a keen lover of Latin music, and had taught me from an early age to Mambo, Bossa Nova, Cha Cha Cha and Merengue, so I could finally dance with Sai without looking sad, lost or uncoordinated. I showed Sai what fun Latin music was, and we learned how to Salsa-dance properly; we had a good time.

We'd call dad and Grandpa every evening, chat for a while, check everything was OK, that they were keeping OK, and see if there was any news from the Coroner's Court for an Inquest date. At night we indulged in long slow lovemaking, or sweaty sexual encounters, appetite for each other growing daily, gorging on each other.

Finally, the third week of August, dad called to say they'd received the death certificate, and could now go ahead with Gran's funeral. The funeral home had offered the last day of August, so I went ahead and arranged some time away, and the arrangements got underway.

We drove down the night before, both of us nervous but resolute, but Sai had swapped her ring back to her right hand; no need to tip dad off too soon, he was going through enough right now; Dad deserved to know about us, and we were not going to sneak around and pretend any longer, but we had to do it the right way.

We arrived late in the evening, dad a little distracted, looking thinner and somehow smaller, as though the wait had depleted him, and Grandpa was uncommunicative, happy to see us, but obviously wanting to be alone with his thoughts. Everybody who was attending were going to be gathering at the house after the interment, and caterers were delivering refrigerated platters of sandwiches, rolls and cold meats, so we retreated to the patio, sitting in the late august evening, talking softly; this was not a time for frivolity or raised voices.

At last, feeling awkward and out of place, we went to bed, Sai in my old bedroom, me in one of the small guest bedrooms.

The funeral cortege left the house at 9:00 sharp, as it was a long way to Upton Cresset, near Bridgnorth, the funeral due to start at 10:30. Dad and I, and 4 neighbours carried the casket into the church, and the vicar gave the old-form funeral service, as Gran would have wanted. After the simple service was over, we moved to the graveside, while the vicar read the eulogy, the casket was lowered into the ground, and covered with the privacy board; a JCB digger was waiting discreetly out of sight just behind the trees to fill in the grave after everyone had left.

And that was it. A simple service and a simple burial; I think Gran would have approved. This was the church she was baptised in, had her marriage solemnized in, and now she'd joined her parents and grandparents and her final entry in the parish record had been made. It felt right. I left dad and Grandpa at the graveside, Sai linked arm-in-arm with both of them, and waited at the car for them. I'd already said my goodbye, I was at peace with myself, and I felt sure Gran knew how I felt.

We got back to the house, all the guests sitting around or standing in groups, eating sandwiches or rolls, with the WI ladies in full attendance, helping out, and giving their condolences to Grandpa and the family, making sure things went smoothly. The other mourners were understandably awkward and formal, and a little unsure what to say, it wasn't a social occasion, not somewhere you could easily say "Well now, that was nice wasn't it!"

Dad circulated around, and ended up standing by himself by the French doors into the garden. Sai and looked at each other, and agreement flashed between us that now was the time, and approached him.

"Dad, can we talk to you, somewhere private, please?" I murmured.

He looked at us, nodded, and led the way to Grandpa's cluttered old study. I closed the door, with Sai standing next to me, and dad perched on a corner of the wide old desk where Grandpa used to play toy soldier battles with me on rainy days.

I cleared my throat.

"Dad, there's something I need to tell you, that we both need to tell you."

He cocked an eyebrow, but otherwise said nothing, waiting for me to continue.

"Dad, Sai Fong and I, we've...we're in love, and we want to be together. I love her, and she loves me, and we want each other."

Still nothing.

Sai stirred uneasily, unnerved by dad's silence and passive reaction.

"We didn't want to hurt, you, dad, honestly, and we didn't mean for this to happen, but it has, and I want Harry, more than anything in the world..."

Tears began to run down her cheeks as she spoke, and at last dad spoke.

"Sai, Harry, is this what you both want, really? Because you know that there's no going back, no way to make what you do un-happen. You accept this, yes?"

We both nodded.

"And what about children, you know what the consequences could be for them? And knowing those consequences, you two are still prepared to go ahead regardless?"

I cleared my throat; thank God we'd seen this coming and done our homework.

"Dad, we've talked about it, and I've done some checking; because Sai and I share a parent, there is some risk of chromosomal damage or deletion, but no more so than if we were cousins , and better than fair chances that there would be no consequences at all. It's a risk we've discussed, we think it's acceptable."

Dad sat for a long moment, then held out his hand to Sai Fong, beckoning her closer. Sai stepped up to him, and he hugged her close, smoothing back her hair and kissing her gently on the forehead.

"Ngo Oi nah, Sai Fong" (I love you, Sai Fong) he murmured.

Sai, with tears coursing down her cheeks, replied "Wo ai wo di Baba!" (I love you dad)

Dad wiped her tears away, kissed her forehead again, and gently tweaked her cheek, making her smile through her tears.

Dad stood up and looked at me.

"Harry, what are your intentions towards my daughter?" he asked formally, and I replied as formally as I knew how.

"Sir, I am in love with your daughter, Sai Fong, and with your permission, I would ask that you grant me her hand in marriage."

Sai looked on as dad turned to her, smiled, and then turned back to me.

"I can't say that this is how I hoped things would turn out, but I would be lying if I said I didn't have my suspicions, and for quite a while now. Harry, you're not a very good or convincing liar, you were born honest, it's one of the things I admire most about you. I saw the look on your face every time you looked at Sai Fong. I also saw the way she looked at you when you weren't looking. So yes, this is not what I wanted, but I think I knew deep down it would eventually happen, sooner or later.

All trace of humour disappeared from his face, and he looked solemn, almost forbidding.

"You know it's going to be tough sledding down the road, don't you? Both of you are going to have to be strong for each other, and you're going to have to give each other your total commitment; it's the only way this can work. You are my children, and I love you both dearly, and I wish to God I could wave a magic wand and clear the way for you both forever; I can't, so you have to love each other enough to do this. It will be hard enough being together as man and wife, or whatever, but being brother and sister as well, that's going to complicate life for you in ways I can't even imagine. You need to be absolutely sure you want this. They say love will find a way, I sincerely hope that's true. I'll do all I can for you, but you're also going to have to fight to keep this together, keep your secrets. All I ever wanted was for my children to be happy, for my daughter to find a man she loves and who loves her back. Her happiness is very important to me Harry, do you understand me? And you, Harry, are you sure this is what you want? Because all I want for you is that you be happy too!"

I spoke up. "Sir, Sai Fong and I love each other, and we're strong enough together to keep together whatever happens. We've committed totally to each other, I will always love her, and make her happy every day of her life, she's all I ever wanted, and the only woman I will ever want. I promise you, we will make this work!"

Dad nodded, and held out his hand.

"Then, sir, as i have your promise that you will do your best for my daughter, I have no objections to you marrying my daughter; if she'll have you, that is!" he smiled, eyes twinkling. "And now, can the father of the bride have a kiss please!"

Sai laughed and hugged him, and dad pulled me in to embrace me as well. Then he held Sai back to look at her.

"And you miss, you can put that engagement ring back on the right finger now!"

Sai gaped at him, grinned, and swapped my grandmother's engagement ring back to her left hand.

We talked a while longer, giving him an outline of what we planned, dad extracting a promise that we would hold off on marriage or children until Sai had graduated. We agreed, we had neither the resources nor the inclination to be parents just yet, so it was an easy promise to give.

We left to rejoin the guests, with dad leaving us to circulate around. Grandpa looked up at me, his eyebrow raised, and I nodded slightly and lifted Sai's left hand to show him the engagement ring in its proper place. Grandpa called us over, embracing me quickly and holding Sai a little longer, then kissed her cheek and held her to him one more time, then gently propelled us back into the lounge to talk with all the guests.

We passed around sandwiches like dutiful hosts, trying to avoid looking like a couple; a lot of the people here knew us as siblings, so a slip now could have significant long-term consequences; nobody gossips like rural people, and putting two and two together is something they do really well.

Eventually, the whole dreary business of feeding the mourners was done; I was numb with hearing how she'll be missed, how popular she was, what a pillar of the community she was, all the platitudes. All I knew was that my Gran was gone, the only mum I had ever known, and I wanted to go somewhere quiet and cry for a while.

As I sat in my misery, I suddenly remembered what Sai had told me about how the people back home viewed where the ancestors were, and again I felt comforted; it felt emotionally right, exactly right. It gave me hope, thinking that she was somewhere close, just out of sight, and I remembered the odd dream I'd had, seeing the person I was convinced was Sai's mother watching her play, smiling, visible to me as I watched us play from the same place, the spirit world we go to in our dreams.

Physically tired, but emotionally re-balanced, I went looking for Sai, finding her sitting next to dad in the lounge, arms around him, head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat and breathing, like she used to do when she was small, and dad stroking her hair, probably not even aware he was doing it. I watched for a moment, feeling like a voyeur, then quietly left, not wanting to intrude on a private moment. I would have a lifetime with her, so I couldn't begrudge him this time with her. I wandered from room to room, feeling displaced, no longer at home, the way I had when I was young, with the sense of Gran's presence fading by the minute now that her passing had become just a matter of record.

I found Grandpa looking at the photographs on the shelves in the parlour, pictures of dad when he was a boy, family portraits in Hong Kong, Grandpa in his army uniform, familiar pictures all, plus one I'd never seen before. It was a beautiful slim girl in a ball-gown, her dark hair swept over one eye and down over her shoulder in a Veronica Lake 'peek-a-boo' hairstyle, and it took me a moment to realise it was Gran, but a Gran I'd never seen before. I was mesmerised; apart from her obviously Caucasian features, at that age she looked uncannily like Sai Fong. I looked at Grandpa, who was watching me.

"She was so beautiful that day, the first time I saw her, she was 15, and it was her first formal dance. I couldn't believe my luck when she agreed to dance with me, I was 16, and I walked on air all night. We saw each other often, then the war with Japan came, and she was evacuated to India. You know about Hong Kong, what happened, but she waited for me, came back to Hong Kong when the war ended, and then I was sent to Korea, that whole mess ended, and then the Malaya crisis blew up, and so off I went again. We eventually got married in Kowloon in 1953, but I was still in the army, still involved in Malaya, so your dad didn't come along until 1956. She loved to dance, you know that, and she was so very, very beautiful. You and Sai Fong get your hair and eyes from her."

I had never seen a young photograph of Gran; I'd only ever known her with bobbed white hair, and now to see her so young, so beautiful, was a shock and a sharp reminder of her, of Grandpa and his loss. Grandpa put his hand around my shoulder, squeezed and patted it.

"Thank you for everything today, son. You should get some rest soon, Harry Boy, you look done in. Now I think I want to stay alone with her for a while longer, so you go and find your little girl, I think your father needs a quick word with both of you."

I found dad still sitting in the parlour, and Sai was in the kitchen, making something to drink.

"Sit, down, son." He patted the sofa next to him. As I did, Sai came in with three coffees, gave us our drinks and perched on the easy-chair, facing dad, who cleared his throat and began speaking.

"Harry, Sai Fong, your Grandpa and I, we've decided to sell this place; he doesn't want to stay here, not now, and the place in Cosford is easier for him, not so many stairs, so what we've decided is, the proceeds from the sale of this place will go into as many Building Society accounts as necessary to safeguard it, in your joint names. When you get married, you're going to need a home; this will be your nest-egg, your deposit when you come to buy your own place. It won't be a huge amount, property prices are not that great round here, but it should give you a good head-start. In the fullness of time, the place in Cosford will become yours as well, so there's some additional capital if you or your children ever need it. This is our wedding present to the both of you."

Sai was open-mouthed, tears in her eyes as she absorbed the fact of dad's acceptance of us and our plans, gratitude for the start they were giving us written plain on her face. She put her coffee down and moved over to kneel on the floor next to dad, rested her head on his leg, and said "Toh Hsieh, Baba!"(Thank you, daddy) so softly I barely heard her. Dad smiled and stroked her hair, then lifted her chin, smiled at her, and handed her up, standing up himself to hug her, including me in the family hug.

"You two have plans to make now, so I'll leave you to it!" he grinned, "And, kids, separate bedrooms tonight, eh?"

+++

We married on Sai Fong's 21st birthday, in the Wren church, on Ludgate Hill, in the City of London; dad gave her away, and Grandpa stood as my best man, with all our university friends and work colleagues in attendance. Sai had graduated that summer, and had decided to become a freelance graphic designer, picking up commissions based on her annual exhibitions at The Slade. I had accepted a job with a European military aircraft consortium based near London, and we were still living in the old flat, with Sai using the lounge as a makeshift studio while looking for a place of our own.

While I was at work, she spent the days looking through and talking with Estate Agents, trying to find the perfect place. One evening I asked her what the requirements were she'd given the Estate Agents for her perfect house, and she ticked them off for me.

"We need a large garden, must be far from a major traffic route or main road, but not remote, set back from the road, have at least 3 bedrooms, old and comfortable, not over-modernized but not needing renovation, lots of period features, and a nursery near the master bedroom."

I was miles away, reading a design performance specification for a new type of helicopter airframe.

"What do we want a nursery for?" I asked her absently.

"Because, dopey, I don't want this baby sleeping in bed with us!"

Her comment resonated for some reason, suddenly I realised what she'd just said, my head snapping up to look at her in astonishment.

"What did...I mean... what...are you...!"

Sai grinned her old cheeky grin. "That's right, Brain of Britain, I'm preggie!"

Now my life really was complete, with all I ever wanted right here, right now.

*

For those who are interested, Harry and Sai Fong also play an important, pivotal role in 'Shining Girl' (all 5 chapters) and make a cameo, but important, appearance in 'In Love With Lori' as guests at David & Lori's wedding