All Comments on 'An Arranged Marriage'

First story!

5

Sweet, but arranged marriage? I don't think so.

Just way toooo fucking long.

Very very good. Maybe two editing items needed. But those are insignificant compared to the characters you provided us and their development. You caught the uncertainty of inexperienced intimacy quite well.

I had anticipated a slightly different ending. With one of them letting slip the next day (probably to his sister) how wonderful the night was with a phrase like "we learned how to dance together".

The premise is a bit far fetched that such a union would occur in this day and age in this country.

I almost wonder if this shouldn’t have been in the First Time category. Romance tends to imply a longer story arc with more conflict and resolution.

And finally, one major grammatical recommendation. You need to pick a tense (preferably past tense) and stick with it. Jumping from past to present and then back again is disrupting to the flow of the story and to the reader.

A nice attempt for your first story. Keep at it. I see real potential in your future.

Good story; good plot; good writing, if not excellent writing. I know of one woman who went with an arranged marriage about 10 years ago. I look forward to hopefully more stories.

Brilliant debut story. 5 stars. It stands by itself, but I hope you continue it. You've left enough breadcrumbs for future instalments.

The basic scenario is odd to me. In particular, the idea of them being in a smaller sect yet not ever having seen each other before is a bit of a stretch. I'm not sure if the ex-boyfriend is even necessary to the story. However, it was a really good first time story, with the unusualness of the situation making it really interesting and hot.

Really long....

Such a detailed story, but it doesn’t take away from the basic premise of the story. I love the build up in the hotel room. Discovering each other. Beautiful

Some bits were unnecessary and lengthened the story. Nonetheless, it was a great read. I'm surprised at its ratings. It should be higher. Great job on your first story here. It does have the potential to become a series if you choose to pursue that route. Bookmarking your page now. I'll keep an eye on you to see what else you offer in the future. Best of luck!

5*

Regards,

I.W.

Thanks all for your comments :) I'm well aware of both the slightly odd/silly plot contrivance and unpolished writing. If it's not your cup of tea, I hope that maybe something I write in the future is. More than anything, this was an exercise in just finishing something on a somewhat larger scale, getting it out the door, and getting the experience rather than agonizing about editing it to perfection. If you liked it, all the better!

Writing is great, the untold insecurities of both delivered to me, the reader, so natural and unforced and later relieved by the two. Oh so sweet, envie that dedication and connection, wish I had had the balls to be that bold when I was a virgin... 5 it is.

That was exceptional. 5*. I did get a bit bored of the extended sex scene starting about page 6 and skimmed 7 and 8 just to get to the dialogue. Wonder why you never wrote again. Was hoping to learn more about the next day etc

Hard to put into words how good the story was. Felt like I was inside his and her head and feeling they feeling as they explored the new adventure. Keep writing you are a good story teller.

This is one of the best first stories I've read in a very long time. Consider the constructive suggestions and brush off the few that aren't helpful. Well done! I hope you will contribute again.

l had nothing better to do so l transferred it to a word doc, removed the repetitive dialogue and everything else that didn't pass the 'do people really talk like this' test, ended up with a bit over 4 lit. pages. Not my record- l once edited a 500-page document down to 217 pages.

3 stars

I hope it isn't so much to ask but we'd like to know how things go from here.

I mean, the story title itself is ' arranged marriage ' and certainly marriage isn't just one incredible night of fun.

Let's see where it all goes

Good story. Clearly the female is the leader. Looking forward to a sequel.

Somehow I made it through page 3 and realized that continuing was going to be more of a chore than I was willing to undertake. So I quit. 2* for a really boring start. And I really don't care if it got better or not, but I wasn't going to be part of it.

Very interesting story. The thoughts and feelings of two people in a situation most readers of literotica would know little about (a religiously inspired arranged marriage). You make us understand their feelings, something only good writers can do. Well done.

I really enjoyed this story ignore the comments about it being too long. Probably First Time category, if you expanded it and had some angst with previous bf then romance 5 🌟 from me

🔥❤

Loved this. Very impressive for a first post. Can't wait to see what you write next!

Super. You are a phenomenal writer. Waiting for your next post.

The United States has all sorts of weird and wonderful folks, so why shouldn't there be a sect like the one described here? Arranged marriages are extremely common in other parts of the world (even those with internet and what you would term "all mod cons"), and I'm sure that there are plenty in the US as well.

My only criticism echoes one earlier - please don't change tenses all the time! I don't know if this is an American thing, but I see it so often in American stories and, as a grammar pedant, it drives me nuts!

Terrific effort for a first story. It would be great to see this extended into a sequel or a series.

Are you planning to continue this? It's an interesting plotline, thus far.

5 stars!!!!! Don't pay attention to the peanut gallery that criticizes the minor imperfections of an amateur writer! I loved how you explored the fears of two virgins that met at their arranged wedding just hours before they made love!!! Please add more chapters!

Speaking as a gay atheist with catholic parents, methinks the author has never actually spoken to a catholic person in her entire life. That out of nowhere interlude about how liberal a cult sect is than some other is all the more pointless in comparison.

But fine, people like patting themselves in the back for imaginary reasons, and it's inserted in such a way (literally between two separators) that makes it all the more obvious that it ain't even part of the story and some rant the author wanted to write that I could look past. What I couldn't look past was the bad formatting tho, unfortunately.

I feel bad about my last comment; too harsh. I apologize.

Loved it!

This was fabulous, really loved reading it, especially the part where Elena and James share their private vows and promises in their suite.

Brown shoes at his wedding!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This marriage is doomed.

As mentioned before, the switching from present to past tense and back was a problem. Pick a tense, preferably past tense, and stick with it.