All Comments on 'An Unexpected Relationship Ch. 01'

Keep the chapters coming. Thanks for sharing!

Trent made me laugh, brilliant start.

This needs editing badly. Not particularly the grammar or spelling, just the layout of the whole chapter. It seems very rushed. There's no description of the characters. Is Trent the same person as Tristan? That confused me.

did an adult write this "story"? It reads like a junior high diary. Tacky, stereotypical, just painful to try to read. Do yourself and the readers a favor get a clue. Read a few stories and gain some insight. I suggest Rob Colton, the king of gay romance, in my humble opinion. Good luck.

I agree with most of the others, this needs some work. But please continue with this as I am sure it will get better. Read the comments and go from there.

This needs some work, but it has potential. Make Trent wait. Hell make him have to work for it. He needs to see Cade as a person, not a potential hole to stick it in. Right now, i dislike Trent, and i don't think that's fair, i have a feeling you meant for him to be less shallow.

So having said that, i think Cade should avoid him, reject him and shut him down until Trent figures out that what he says he wants and what he really needs is different. The plain fact of the matter is that Cade will not give it up to someone not deserving willingly. People that do that lose a piece of their soul every time they do it. He will, however, do anything for someone that loves him and he loves in return.

Hope to see more soon.

I love that this story is so different in style from most others I have read especially the simplistic manner in which it is done. It is refreshing after reading other way serious and heavy romances. Looking forward to seeing a continuation.

i like it. cant wait to read more about it!

I gave up less than a quater way down the page, what are you? 12?

I'm going to give you some feedback, ok alot of it, on how you could improve the chapter. It's not meant to rip you apart. I'm making comments that I would if I were beta reading this for you. A beta reader can be a huge help. they don't necessariy do spelling and grammar corrections like an editor. They do more of writing things like I have, making comments when something isn't clear or where something shoud be explained, etc. People who are being published use beta readers and sometimes have more .than one. The comments are meant to help and guide you as you work on the story. Don't be put off by the fact that I wrote alot, since it is just meant to help you improve a chapter.

One thing that needed to be corrected were the speaking parts. I found the conversations to be a bit confusing. The rule is that when the speaker changes you start a new paragraph, which does make it easier to understand. The texts would be easier if you put Trent: "and what they said."

I also would have recommended doing a bit more of background on characters as you introduce them. I would say something about who they are, like whether Amanda is his best friend or a neighbor or whatever. Give us a better idea of how their relationship started, how close they are, etc. Then they started discussing Tristan without really clarifying who he is. I assume he's bi, but the conversation was hard to follow when one started to said he flirted with. I think it was Cade saying that, but I'm not positive.

Then he saw Trent looking at him. An intro to who Trent is would have helped. It seems he has wanted him according to what he'd said after Trent left his house. Was Trent someone he watched from afar till now? Was he someone he'd wanted for a while? What type of persoality did Trent have in school? What made him think he'd be different from other guys? The part where he looks at him with hungry eyes and then blushes felt like that were actions that were at odds. And from the way Trent acted in the texts and when he visited, he didn't seem like the blushing type. Also, does he believe he's a virgin too? He asked how Cade could take being a virgin at 18, which didn't make sense if he was a 19 y/o virgin, b/c he'd know then.

I hope these comments help as you continue writing. Keep at it.