All Comments on 'An Unhappy Reunion Pt. 01'

Some awkward points and a little bit clichéd in parts but otherwise a God if not original start.

It feels like parts are rushed through and some are overly vague. One example is what does the out side of his house look like? What would be the first impression of someone seeing it for the first time have? Second two rounds from two different rifles arriving at the same with enough impact to destroy a pistol would rip it out of a man hand while probably taking the trigger finger with the weapon debris. The bullets would continue on a deflected trajectory to impact something else before ending their journey. As described in the story I believe the truck would have had been on the receiving end of those bullets.

Jane and Daisy are lovers, but no one has ever eaten Daisy's pussy?

The MC is as unlikeable as he describes parts of his family. After 2 pages I couldn't read any more.

He has the resources for armed private guard, the sheriff is his friend and yet he let his sisters to be abused and whored out by the evil bitch. Then when he confronts her, right after she called armed scum to harm him or even possibly kill him, he is civil and offers an olive branch why exactly? Some authors seem to forget the actions of the characters they are writing. It doesn't matter if they are blood related, if she is evil and he is not then his reaction can't possibly be the one you wrote.

He had the resources and power to help his two younger sisters but he made them the goons plaything. Worst story I've ever read.

The sex scenes are awful you need a rewrite its like a fifteen year old wrote it or someone with very little sexual experience. Other than that the story is ok. If he has the money to hire security the whole trip to New York was unnecessary and breaks up the story in a bad way.

I wonder, the usual story, crazy parents, thrown out, become very rich, strong healthy beautiful body, come back, fuck all my sisters.

Compare that to nice childhood with family, no sex, no money. Probably not loving fat wife, and nasty kids.

It's only 10 years, it's over in the blink of an eye. See it as working 10 years, and then be free the rest of your live.

Now I have been working for 30 years, wife+kids, house, always money problems. And beer belly.

Reality would probably be, thrown out, living on the streets, getting addicted to drugs, die at a young age outside in the cold.

I really like the story line, but the writing is very mechanical.

A GLS is a Mercedes not a BMW.

I get that it supposed to be a stroke story. I didn't think that meant I'd slog my way through 2 pages of the protagonist sucking his own dick. I kinda' really don't want to keep reading about some bougie prick snarling about how much better he is than everyone else.

SMH, all that money, you'd think he could afford therapy.

Gave up on this good guy hero story when he does his sister the first day back after 14 years

I'm sorry but... this is an interesting premise but terribly executed. His youngest sister is bisexual and plays around with Jane when there aren't men around but she's never had anyone go down on her? Seriously? What do she and Jane do? How is it that she and Jane became best friends if Jane is around the same age as the main character? MC has the maturity of an 18 year old, gets challenged and immediately goes to "I know 13 different ways to kill you." Yikes

Again kneeled down in front of Pussy.

Its a very good story.

I guess you have to be an american to value the flaunting of his wealth all the time.

It really is TOO much.

But… I`m looking forward to read the rest!

Is the main POV character meant to come off as an arrogant woman hater? He intentionally picks a fancy suit and rents a fancy car to flaunt his wealth but looks down his nose at the women (sluts) checking him out at the funeral.

5 stars after reading only the first page, very good writing, and I haven't even read 1 sex scene...

this shit is so funny to me because you wrote about how hot your fictional character is for like 2 whole pages. i promise you dude we don’t give a fuck about his new york financial consultant backstory. it sounds so stupid. literally had to stop reading this shit two pages in after another woman commented on how hot he is

I drive a BMW GLS SUV. His other car is a Mercedes 7 series right.

Don't write about guns. When you threaten a person with depleted uranium you sound as dumb as you most likely are.

Good story… terrible composition, however, I’ve read The Rescuers and the writing in that is much improved over this one. Glad to see the improvement.

Excellent story! Completely believable, growing up around smaller towns most of my life, spending my time in the Military all over the world. 5 BIG FAT FLUFFY TWINKLING STARS!

Good story,,,

I enjoy the premise, although it is a bit convenient that he is THAT rich, although it is necessary for him to be that way to rescue his 2 sisters and to pay for the dilapidated house and land for all the years his mom never paid for them (plus electric); to have the fighting skills from the Army will prove all too useful, as will all his Army buddies. He's established to rescue his 2 sisters from a soul-sucking experience, and that sets up the readers for a very possibly satisfying and action-packed ending.

There are some grammatical and other errors that hinder the story flow: there are tons of run-ons and there are even some characters lacking description--most notably Carmen. If it's assumed every reader will know Carmen typically refers to a Spanish character that is sexy and exotic (also rather traitorous in the literary sense), that's unlikely; we only know she possesses an exotic accent and discover later that she gives "special treatment" although her husband also has an open marriage with her (explaining the dressing room occurrences). These grammatical errors and omissions need to be addressed in that order. Readers will even note the protagonist leaves in a truck but drove to the house in a Porsche (but then he's back in a car after being said to get into his truck). Now a thing like Jane flashing his two buddies before they leave is something really inexplicable and out of place--and it does zero for the story--as they don't need any extra motivation to protect him (you already established they were like family).

I'm looking forward to chapter 2, although I know it's already written; my only hope is that you'll be able to refine your current story ("Sad Son," oddly enough with "Hal") so it avoids these pitfalls. 4

all is so good except incest with his sister. a "moral" man would have told her NO and just held her.

What a pompous, selfish prick. Stopped reading at page 1. What a complete jerk.

Great story can't wait to read the conclusion. 5 stars

Damn I love a good written and convoluted story 5*

Great.....

Yeah, I love this story so far

Good job

Hey, I should have written in my original comment that your dress-up scene at the dress store was awesome, just hard to read. Also, use Grammarly, it works for me.

Dude, your trying way too hard and not reading over your work. If there ever was a writer that really and I mean REALLY needed an editor it’s you, dude. Your writing is too disjointed and you’re trying to move too fast. Reading your story is like driving 55 MPR on a very long road full of potholes and having to stop and back up constantly to make sure you hit the right exit because they’re all poorly marked. Hey, I’m not trying to be mean here. I like the basic story and erotic scenes are nice, but the reader needs to work way too hard to get what you’re trying to communicate. Also, there is no need to constantly describe how handsome, strong, brave, smart, rich, and so on and so on he is. We get it, he’s perfect. He’s every man’s concept of a woman’s fantasy. You would do better to provide a solid back story for him and then develop him as you tell your story. And honestly, no man or woman is perfect. They need to be flawed in some way so that the reader can relate and invest in the character. You need to work on your character development and not just for your main characters. Look, I respect the fact that you’re putting yourself out there for all to judge. I wish I could do it. Please find yourself a good editor. I believe that you and your readers would benefit greatly if you do so.

I could just feel you pouring your heart and soul into this one. Objectively a 3. Keep writing and learning how to write, my friend. You have so much potential.

Love it, total fun!!!!

More please

I had a toned body and knew I was good looking. The girls practically threw themselves at me while at school.

Regardless of his physical appearance, the girls, and their mothers, would have made certain he was persona non grata anywhere and that would include the school. With his mother and sister well known whores, there is no way any female would be near him if it was possible to not be.

The terrible sex scenes really got in the way of a potentially good story. I got dizzy speed reading the odd-ball sex escapades, attempting to get back to the main story line. You should re-write it, Polish up the story line by expanding a lot. Then go back to the sex scenes, cut them by 60% and make them a lot less crude.

Dude you are a terrible writer. What are you talking about? Did you forget how bad the comments got in "the norward family". You disabled the comments on that story.

Stop talking out of your ass.

Silly mistake: GLS SUV is made by Mercedes Benz, not BMW.

I liked it. Please write more.

Not to be the one that points this out... but your characters are so 2D. For someone that wrote 50 pages which equates to roughly 6 lit pages. I would think you'd have that down. But no, what we are given is so... dull and very predictable. Your dialog needs major work, and I think the car and his clothes shows off he has money. Don't think you need to constantly flaunt it every other paragraph. This is just advice from one author to another.

Regards,

Soul71

Look i get this is a free story and all but there are so many inconsistencies first major thing you say the dad was sick or something along those lines then you say he was an extremely hard worker i do not quite understand how that is possible and the dumbest part is how the MC somehow has 2 purple hearts when you have to be wounded or die to achieve one so since he is not dead or wounded how is that possible i am confused but after that i couldn't finish i

i love it

I love the play of the story, one thing that keep going in these stories is the big dick and that he is worth a lot of money. Besides that, a good story so far.

A very good story about Family and Friends and how both should be cared for.

It reads like his diary, but at the same time, I love the action. It isn't just a wham bam story. I look forward to reading the next section which is out at the time of my comment.

i like this story.. have not read one like this considering there are so many crazy families out there it is long over due..

good story, good writing. loving it.

I was expecting more sex, but I found myself really liking reading this story.

can't wait to read the rest.

I will add my opinion and tell you this has an awesome story premise. I like the characters and the interaction between them. I like the way you get the reader involved with the story and stir up the emotions. This story could keep going on and on with the sisters moving to New York and getting the loving they deserve. Looking forward to reading more. Thanks for your time and imagination.

Well written - looking forward to part 2!

Turns out sonny boy is a WHORE just like...MOMMY! LOL!!!

This story has too much insight in it to not be at least partly true.The author has way to much knowledge of human behavior both civilian and military. When the sh** hits the fan, I am sure you all know who will come out on top in the end.

Sir or ma'am. I would like to thank you for such amazing stories. I look forward to reading much more of your work. I wish you would consider a full length noval I would most definitely buy it. I know you get lots of comments about your stories as well you should they're outstanding. But I want you to know that you have brought a lot of joy to an otherwise empty life. Thank you.

I quit reading after the protagonist was saying how he could kill someone 13 different ways or whatever with his bare hands. Should change the name of your protagonist to Billy Jack...

Great until the last chapter. You have Jane talking like a sophisticated woman of the world when, in reality, she is just a country girl and totally out of her element. I don't question her having sex with Carmen but, I do question the fact that Jane being a country girl wouldn't have exhibited a bit more shyness. You overloaded us with information that was not necessary to say more than once. Leave those extras out and you could have chopped a complete page off your story. That being said, I enjoyed the story very much and hope you continue writing the story to its conclusion.

I found 6 pages short, I look forward to the rest.

Only up to the funeral and I feel like slitting my throat. This guy is the image of his mother, exactly the same attitude for themselves and towards others. Both had incest minds, just one wanted more.

Will put by to continue another day after my prozac takes effect.

Always a fantastic read. Love the way your stories flow. Thank you for sharing your work.

Well written, well balanced, well thought out, I am read thousands of stories and this is one of the top 1%

The key to good writing, is reading. You have a passion and should continue pursuing it, but you need to take some basic writing classes and read more. Your composition skills are lacking, you do not have a firm grasp on sentence structure and you need to learn how to develop a character. Keep working at it though.

I'm on here for a quick stroke story as much as the next guy, but every now and then I stumble on a story that has depth and an actual plot line with twists and turns that leaves you wanting to know what's happening next. This is one of THE BEST stories I have read on this site. Please don't delay the next chapter.

Small- town boy leaves town, becomes a successful man, and wants to help his family and town, I am definitely looking forward to more !

In my world, there are no 5's. Great job! Don't make us wait too long for part 2, please.

I don't usually read anything longer than 3 pages because it gets boring or repetitive. This however left me wanting to see what came next! The way you have Dave treating the women he cares about is fantastic. There were a couple times while reading that I had tears in my eyes from the love he showed Jane, Daisy, his friends families, and even his staff. I'm sure it's out there, but in reality, this doesn't exist nearly as much as it should!

Please don't wait too long to write the next part. And for the grammar cops? I did see a few misspelled words, but I also don't look for minor mistakes in an otherwise well written and intriguing story.

great start keep it up

The overall concept is good, but honestly this feels like the author is stroking himself off for writing such a badass guy that everyone loves and is known by everyone. I recommend working on the dialogue a bit. And maybe try character development. But good luck, it isn't all negative

Your stories never fail to satisfy, Stork. Can't wait for pt 2.

While the story was original and the p[eople interesting there seemed to be a stiffness that was spoiling the story

Wow this story was just boring as fuck, and your grammar was just horrible

Great story! Looking forward to the rest.

You've got a good threshold for a story here, but the dialogue is unimaginative and at some points it's too slow and other times, too fast. But don't let that discourage you, keep at it, re-read and revise a few times before submitting more. Look for dialogue that you accidentally type out a few times with slight word variations, as you did that a lot. I only got through the first few pages, due to all that, but I'm sure it's a story that has potential. Also, this is anonymous because I honestly just keep forgetting my login info and can't be bothered to make a new account every time I want to comment.

Hard to relate to Superman and his--often repeated--9 ways to kill. It was a good plot, though.

A very good start on a story that has a lot gong for it. Waiting for the next installment

Which part of this was sent through Grammarly?

The GLS is a Mercedes, not a BMW

A good read so far. Looking forward to more chapters. I got a chuckle out of the HAL reference, LOL

A well written, complex story that drew me in despite only looking for a quick fap. I'm now late on other stuff I have to do. How "annoying"...

5 stars!

Please keep them coming.

Unusual, an interesting story with some depth. Admittedly, not fine literature, but very very much above most other stories here.

I liked it very much. I hope there is many more parts. This is one of my favorites on the site! Great work and keep it up. :)

You need to speed things along that got kind off boring I had to skip ahead.

you notic the only 2 negative comment didnt leave there names great story keep it up hope to see the next chapter soon. I like a story that has depth not a wack it cum and leave story. need to read more of your stories.

Like all your stories, this one grabbed me and would not let go. It is just a good start of a series. Don't let some anonymous ........ tell you otherwise. Five stars from me and I can't wait for the next chapter.

5 stars. Well written. Can't wait for next chapter. Thanks

Great job...cant wait for more!!!!

Another well done story, good balance of storyline and sex. Definitely looking forward to the next chapter!

... I think you've read way too many Lee Child novels.

This was Jack Reacher with money and a family, although he came across as a pompous prick and actually quite unlikable.

A bit repetitive at times but overall not bad.

Wtf is this all I kept seeing was he had lots of money fancy clothes and cars and New York like wtf you need to stop writing I read the first page tried reading other pages but this shit has no plot and is confusing asf with horrible writing

Looking for the "continued!!!"

Just like your other stories very good lime all of your stories

I want to start with encouragement. The plot is interesting. Most of the characters are decently developed. I want to see you write more and develop as a writer.

Now for the "not bad but needs improvement". This needs less exposition. It seems like the protagonist is repeating himself multiple times. It feels at times the protagonist is just listing off the events of his day instead of us experiencing the story through his eyes. Define your characters better. This is a common problem with harem type stories.

Also does he hate his older sister or what?

I hope this didn't come off to harsh. I genuinely enjoyed this and i hope you continue to improve and write.

Great start can't wait to be able to read the next chapter.

Nice first chapter. Looking forward to the next.

Love the build up and story.

This got beyond cringey, dude was a millionaire, ex militar, etc. And came to the aid of his white trash town, more than an erotic story this was a self-worth fap

The author should go to therapy and treat his resentment towards his family

anything interesting. Even Super Man had to deal with Kryptonite. Enjoyed his acts as a gentleman and there was enough erotic to meet minimum LW standards. But nothing special in the plot.

Yeah it is good vs evil but man a little subtlety and mystery. OK if Satan shows up with the three stooges and the heavens part and God appears with a million Archangels it is no suspense who wins.

I think this would be better posted in Novels than Incest. Author seems more interested in local details food preparation and quality and clothes shopping than getting it on with siblings.

Character development was well done. We get it that sisters are good and mom is evil. At this pace the story will possibly be 6-10 chapters. Again more of a novel. Just stays out of Non-erotic.

I am hooked, I definitely want to read more. Hope to see more soon.

I think you have a great story going please stop

Great sexy tale. Well written.

Thanks again for an entertaining story. I don't care what anyone else says, write how ever you like and I love the heroic brother comes back to save the day storylines you use. I am so looking forward to the next part.

Really like the begging chapters of your storylines hope you can get more than 2 or 3 chapters before ending it

Your characterization of your protagonist – amazingly wealthy, unbelievably good looking, blah blah blah – is embarrassingly trite. Indeed, your character development was so bad I could not get past the first paragraph.