Anatomy of the Heart

"Thanks." Sven took the cup, sighed heavily, his breathing falling back to somewhere near normal. "I just think everything built up." He said, placed the cup on the table.

"I know." Mimi nodded, her feet curled under her. "It's okay. Just breathe. You're safe, there's no need to worry we don't have to play tonight."

"Sorry." Sven leant back his eyes ringed with red. "I jus-" he cut off, fell against Mimi's shoulder.

"Hey. There." Mimi rubbed his back again. "You can cry, it's okay, it's okay. You don't have to explain yet, I know. Just let everything out."

Sven did then, as though her kind serenity was at last permission to let go, crying in a way he hadn't since before her. Somewhere in his gut he realised that after this, things would be better some how, broken down past flesh and bone and carefully honed bravado to the part of him where his soul lay. That after the wracking storm of tears that crashed around him he would awaken to an empty mind and empty bones, like all the fear and shame had been sucked out.

"Oh," he looked up, realised that he had sunk down into Mimi's lap, that she lay smiling down at him, her arms cradling him. "Sorry, I'll sit up."

"It's okay." She kissed his forehead, watched him sit back into the sofa, scooping up his mug as he went. "Better now?"

He nodded, "I'm sorry, I never cry. I'm just tired." He blushed.

"It's okay." She said. "Everything probably just built up. Is there anything you want to talk about? Sorry if I pried too deep." She said, her mouth curling into a wan smile.

"No." he shook his head, looked up at her again. "You didn't. You were right to do so. I..." he sighed, "I'm not very good at talking about this stuff. I was really guilty about the domme thing."

Mimi nodded, said nothing.

"Listen." Sven turned, propped his head in his palm, his elbow on the back of the sofa. "I never wanted to hurt you with this or make you feel like you had to mother me. I'm sorry, I'm such a dick. You look after me all the time and what the hell do I do for you?"

Mimi raised an eyebrow, her hand curling around his cheek. "You're babbling now." She smiled. "And you don't. Not for a minute. I love you, I want to make sure you're safe and happy. What kind of domme would I be, hell, what kind of girlfriend would I be if I just dismissed this? If I just patted you on the head and told you to man up?" She shook her head. "I love you."

Mimi kissed him, leant forward and pulled him against her, her arms curling around him, their foreheads pressed together. "You're going to be okay, pookie." Mimi grinned. "You're so strong. It's tough to deal with, I think. I mean, particularly form such an outdoorsy man's man background."

Sven laughed. "I know." He pressed his forehead against her shoulder. "When I was twelve I fell off my bike in the woods, cut my knee right open, and I was crying, crying, crying. Just like I was then." He chuckled, sniffed loudly. "And my grandfather said "Get up. You'll get filth on yourself". Then he grabbed me by the wrist and said, "You're bleeding all over your shoe, boy. Get to the river and wash it off. Tie your shirt around it". And that was it." Sven shrugged. "I always wanted to impress him but it hurt so fucking much. I was breathing these big, heavy sobs somewhere between crying and...uh...grunting."

"What happened?" Mimi lay her hand on his calf, her thumb running over his leg. "You were okay?"

"I was. Just." Sven said. "But I remember being so confused, limping home. My mom grabbed me and hugged me, bandaged me up. My grandfather was from the old school though, very Swiss; "If you're not dead then keep going"." He mimicked. "And then I got older, realised that I wanted to be roughed up by girls, tied up. It made me feel a bit..." he cocked his head, "tingly." Sven's fingers fluttered in front of him, his cheeks still red. "Getting over that is so..."

"It's tough." Mimi nodded, "Confusing. It doesn't make you any less manly. I know you can hunt and shoot and fish with the best of them." She laughed. "But I also know that the way you're raised, it takes a lot of balancing with your sexuality." She sighed. "And, be honest, straight men aren't very good at that."

Sven laughed, nodded. "I know." He shrugged. "Look at me." He sank back into the cushions, "Ah, fuck, look at me."

"Now, come on." Mimi rubbed his belly. "You're still my big strong man." She laughed. "I mean, I can't think of anything more macho than willingly getting into being beaten up by girls and then getting an erection from it. That's literally the manliest thing that you can do. Taking pain for fun." She kissed his hand. "What a badass."

Sven laughed. "You're crazy."

"True though." Mimi took the cup from him, took a sip herself.

"You're not even upset about the prodomme?"

She shook her head. "No. Not in principal. I think it was bad timing, but you were young and scared. Maybe a bit embarrassed."

Sven nodded, sucked at the inside of his cheek. "You have no idea." He looked away, out into the orange glow of the city beneath them. "It was what I wanted, of course." He sighed, "But...I...I thought I could do it, separate the sex and the kink like I'd done before. I got quite good at separating out sex from any kind of feeling at all. But I couldn't do it."

"You want what you want." Mimi shrugged.

"But I felt like that made me weak. Like, as a guy, I should be able to separate out sex and love. Ugh."

"What happened after?" Mimi said. "Can I ask?"

"Yeah." Sven pinched the bridge of his nose, laughed. "Afterward, after the vodka and the flight home I took Lauren out. She'd been rehearsing and we went to some bar near to the theatre." He gestured toward the window. "And she was pleased to see me. She was wearing some cute dress -- sorry --" Sven blushed.

Mimi shook her head, "No, it's fine. Carry on."

"Well, we went back to mine, got uh, we got together."

Mimi laughed. "You had sex."

"Yeah. But I was kind of angry, I felt bad about what had happened. I was maybe a little rough with her."

"Oh." Mimi grinned. "I see."

"Don't." Sven shook his head. "But, anyway, she was...she was really into it."

"I'm sure she was." Mimi laughed. " I'm very well acquainted with that myself. Is that it?"

"She was into me being the controlling one. Not that I minded sometimes but she would always dismiss me when I suggested the other way around. I tried so hard to make it fun for her and she just told be that it was weird, that it bored her."

Mimi shook her head. "It's the past now. I know it was a tough time and I know how much that has shaped you but you can have this, sugar." She brushed his hair from his eyes again. "You can tell me and I'm not going to laugh." Mimi smiled, squeezed his hand. "Doesn't make you lesser than." She rubbed his thigh. "You know, tomorrow I think you should just kick back, have the day off. Maybe we can lie in, I'll make you a little breakfast, we can take a walk or see a movie." She said. "I think it would do you good to just lie in bed for a bit, in the quiet. Decompress a little."

Sven nodded, "And what about you? Who the hell looks after you?" he smiled. "Huh?"

"I do." She shrugged. "You know I can take care of myself."

"Nope." Sven pulled her into a hug, his cheek buried in her hair. "You have to let me take care of you like you take care of me. You have to." He hugged her tighter, his face pressed into her hair now. "Please."

Mimi smiled. "Okay." She whispered, conceding. "If you like."

Sven shook his head. "If you like." he repeated. "Nothing makes me happier." He laughed. "Or you more embarrassed."

"Don't." Mimi looked away. "That's not fair."

"You see." Sven sighed, sank back into the sofa. "It's not just me, Mimi."

"You know it's tough for me." She whispered. "I'm good at taking care of you."

"It'll drain you out and then what would happen?" he kissed her cheek. "We have to look after each other and that means me caring for you as much as you care for me."

Mimi nodded, went quiet.

"I won't turn it against you." Sven said. "It doesn't make you weak." He watched her in the shadows, her hand still moving over his leg. "Sometimes I wonder if your incredible balancing act isn't just a way to hide."

"What?" her brow crumpled. "How do you mean?"

"That your endless working, your very good pep talks are not just a way of hiding how you feel." He kissed her on the temple. "You need to take your own advice."

Mimi grinned. "Nope. Sorry. You know I'm terrible at that." She looked up, shuffled around so that her legs were thrown over his lap. "I don't want this to fail or for you to think I'm needy or for us to become too co-dependent. I don't want to become nothing but the kink and I want us to have healthy social lives and-"

"Hey." Sven hugged her. "Who's rambling now?"

Mimi blushed. "Uh. I know." She shook her head, laid against him. "It takes work, doesn't it?"

"It does." Sven nodded. "It does."

"Shall we go to bed?" Mimi whispered. The phrase was less of a question, more a request.

Sven nodded. "I think so."

"We can just have cuddles, if you like."

"Sounds good." Sven moved, walked with Mimi back to the bedroom, the shared cup discarded on the table.

"Babe, you awake?" Sven whispered, watching Mimi groan, pulling her head off the pillow.

"Yeah, I-oh." She smiled, watching him plant a breakfast tray next to her. "Thank you." She pulled herself up, kissed him on the cheek. "There's no need. You shouldn't have."

"Of course I should." He kissed her back, on the mouth this time, his palm cupping her cheek. "You deserve it."

"Thank you." She looked down at the mug of coffee, the buttered toast.

"I didn't know what you wanted so I brought you jam and that weird spread you like." He placed a second, familiar jar on the tray and sank down next to her.

"Oh." Mimi laughed. "Thank you. This is so nice." She kissed him. "How thoughtful."

"Hey." Sven shrugged, "I like to see you happy, kitten."

"Thank you." Mimi kissed him again then began spreading jam onto the toast. "You want some?"

"I have some coffee." He nodded to the side table. "And I'm fine for now. Not really that hungry, I'll eat later."

"Okay." Mimi leant back, sighed happily. "So what do you want to do today?" she asked, munching loudly. "I thought we could lie in but we've done that and now you've brought me this. What do you want?"

"I think I want to take you out." He shrugged. "Buy you some cute things."

"What?" Mimi raised an eyebrow. "Oh, don't be silly, there's no need for that. No need." She took a gulp of coffee, tailed off. "That's...no...."

"Today is about you." Sven smiled. "You spend so much time looking after me and your sister that, for once, you should just let me look after you for a change."

Mimi pouted. "I knew you'd hate it." Sven laughed. "Your face is like when you try to put a party hat on a cat."

"Fuck off." Mimi dropped her toast, elbowed him in the ribs. "Don't say that." She laughed. "I'm not a cat."

Sven shook his head. "Nope. Far more stubborn."

"Stop it."

He laughed again, dodged her swinging hand. "I'm going to take a shower." He grabbed a towel. "A long one. You can join me if you like."

Mimi shrugged. "Nope. Sorry. Cats don't like water."

"What about a bath instead then?" he asked, "I'll wash your hair. Use that bath oil you like. I'll smell like a girl just for you."

Mimi nodded. "If you like."

"I would." He said. "Very much."

"Are you going to watch me?" Mimi cocked her head at Sven's reflection in the mirror.

"No. Carry on." He pulled on a pair of jeans, grinned.

"You are." Mimi ran a pencil over the top of her eyebrow, pulled it into an arched point. "Go and get dressed." She chuckled. "You're distracting me."

"I just like to watch you get ready." He shrugged. "I'm always amazed at how much you know about this." He gestured toward her face.

"It's not that fancy." Mimi said, mascara poised in mid air. "Just practice, knowing what suits you. That's all. Would you like a little seeing as you're so interested." She grinned, waved a lipstick at him.

"Nope." Sven shook his head, one sharp move to the right. "I'm good."

"Ha." Mimi exchanged the mascara for blush, buffed it into her cheeks. "There. NowI look a little less grotty."

"You look fine either way." Sven kissed her temple.

Mimi sighed, zipped up the make up bag, dropped a lip balm into her pocket. "I'd rather be wearing makeup."

"I know." Sven headed back into the bedroom, began eyeing the pile of t-shirts in the wardrobe. "Does it seem cold to you today?" he grabbed a shirt, pulled it on. "What about this?" he held up the jumper he'd grabbed the night before, shook it at Mimi.

"Looks good to me. You barely had it on yesterday." She said.

"What?"

"Your hair is all over now." She laughed. "Horror of horrors. Here, let me." She grabbed a comb and bounded towards him, coming the strands back into place. "Like a young Marlon Brando." She patted him on the arm.

"Glad you said young Marlon Brando." Sven sat on the edge of the bed. "Not old Marlon Brando." He puffed his cheeks, "I'll make you an offer you can't refuse."

Mimi grinned, "You're such a dork, sometimes." She shook her head, dropped her hairbrush into her bag.

"Heh. How much stuff do you have in that bag?" He nodded toward her. "Is that a spoon, plasters?"

"You never know." Mimi wagged her finger at him. "Just what you might need."

"Well, are you ready, then?" He stood, pulled her next to him. "Let me treat you."

"You're really sure?" Mimi shrugged. "I hate to think of you being bored while I trawl the shops. Anyway, I'll pay." She said, "Remember, I actually have some semblance of disposable income now."

"You're so stubborn. " Sven grabbed his shoes, shepherded Mimi toward the door. "I know." She grinned, "It's part of my charm."

"Well, I have never seen anyone shop quite so fast." Sven followed Mimi back into the street.

"No, I know." Mimi nodded, "I know what suits me and that place didn't have it." She shrugged. "You try dressing this thigh to waist ratio. I have pretty much given up on jeans."

"Hm. I'd rather undress it." He grabbed her hand, dodged her as she tried to nudge him.

"Stop it." She smiled. "Ooh. Look."

Sven followed her gaze across the street. "What are you looking at?"

"That dress in Olivia Elkman. Look at it."

"Do you want it? You mean that purple one?"

Mimi grabbed his hand, pulled him through the crowds of Saturday shoppers to the bright window of the boutique. "How much is it?" she scanned the window, sighed at the tiny price plaque. "You know I can actually afford it now. Still, it's more than I'd usually spend."

Sven shrugged. "Hey, enjoy it. You don't have to thrift shop any more and I'll buy it for you, you're still in the mid range of double figures. It's hardly Chanel."

"Like I would ever stop thrifting." Mimi grinned. "That's how I got those ugly sweaters you love so much."

"You see." Sven's hand sliced through the air. "You can have this dress and then, I will also buy you some sweaters that are new and have never been word by grandmas. Go," he smiled, "Go in. Let's see what damage we can do."

* * *

"They have it in green and black too." Mimi whined. "God damn, it fits so well. I have never owned clothes that fit this well." She twisted in front of the mirror. "What do you think?"

Sven looked up, shifted on the cream sofa in the corner of the wide, carpeted dressing room. "Oh, uh, yes....yes." he grinned. "Man, that is nice. You look good. Really..." he gestured to his chest.

"Is it too booby?" Mimi sighed.

"No. It's nice. Get it."

Mimi nodded, eyed the fitted fabric, the satin panels at the hips. "Below the knee, too." She smiled, turned towards him. "Do you realise how hard it is to find dresses that are actually below the knee today that aren't dowdy looking?"

"Do you want the other colours?" Sven said. "If this fits then..." he smiled. "Why not?"

Mimi mewled. "Yes, but you can't buy me them all."

Sven shrugged, "Sure I can." He stood kissed her temple. "For you, anything, kitten." He walked off, returned moments later carrying two more of the same dress. One, the deep green Mimi loved, the other black.

"Really?" she smiled at his reflection.

He nodded, "The fanciest thing I've bought you in the whole time we've been dating is an economy plane ticket to Geneva. Live a little, huh?"

Mimi blushed, "Okay." She pulled the dress off, hung it back up. "You'd better get thinking about what you want."

He stepped forward, kissed her hair. "I want you, in that dress, later." He purred.

"Oh?" Mimi laughed. "Well, aren't we demanding?"

"Maybe." He laughed. "We'll have to wait and see."

"You have to pick something." Mimi set her glass onto the table, smiled at Sven. "I'm not going home until I, too, have bought you a little something beside this coffee." She gestured to his cup.

"It's okay. I'm just happy to see you happy." Sven leant back in his seat, watched Mimi raise an eyebrow. "I'm serious." He said. "I am."

"You're incorrigible."

Sven shrugged, his eyes glinting. "You could still try though, if you like."

"I might just." Mimi answered. "Later."

"Uh, about last night." He said. "I don't know what came over me. I just couldn't." Sven leant forward, gathered Mimi's hands in his own.

"Don't worry. These things happen. I think it had been building and then we tried with something that's intense for you." She nodded. "Don't worry. So long as you're okay now." Mimi rubbed his hand, made the hairs on the back of Sven's neck stand up.

"I'm better. My ego is a little dented."

"Pft." Mimi rolled her eyes. "Silly boy. You'll be just fine." She leant forward, kissed him on the mouth. "I promise."

Sven nodded, sighed happily. "Maybe, um, we could try again tonight?"

"Really?" Mimi's voice kicked up a tone. "You're sure?"

"I am." He answered, kissing her fingers. "I'm sure. Sure and a little bit turned on by the apprehension."

"You know I'm worried. I've told you before." Mimi shook her head. "If I really let go, I'm worried I'd actually hurt you or...fuck you half to death." She admitted.

"Hell of a way to go." Sven took a gulp of coffee. "I promise I'd beg you to stop first." Mimi laughed. Sven realised why and he nodded. "No, I know. That would probably not work. You'd just get really horny and keep going."

"Yes." Mimi added, her hand rested on his thigh as she kissed him again. "If you like, if you can't think of anything sensible, then maybe we could take a walk to that sex shop over by the park. I could pick out something fun for you."

"You could." He said. "Oh."

"Of course." Mimi grinned. "I thought you wanted to take me shopping after all. I thought this day was about me." She teased.

"Uh." Sven shook his head. "Am I going to live to regret this?"

Mimi nodded. "Hopefully. You look so hot when you do."

* * *

"So I have no say at all?"

Mimi cocked her head, pulled a gauzy piece of fabric off a rail. "You can offer your opinion, as ever." She said, "But, as ever, final say goes to me."

"Okay, then."

Mimi looked up, squeezed his hand. "But, if you see something you particularly want then you can ask nicely and I might buy it for you." She wiggled an eyebrow at him, a smirk curling across her face as he began blushing fiercely. "You know," Mimi continued. "For a grown man you're very easily embarrassed."

"I, um, well. I'm not usually it's just-" He looked away and then back down at her. "You know it's just you and your...ways." He said, his hand running over her back. "You know, being demanding suits you. You should do it more, stop thinking of others all the time. Be a little more selfish."

"You think?" Mimi held the nightdress she was holding up against herself. "You know I could only ever be imperious with you, though, don't you?" she looked at him in the reflection.