Anchors Away!! (Pt. 01)

For years, I had dreamed of 'sailing the loop', a boating excursion that involves traveling down the Mississippi river to the gulf...then following the inland waterways east along the Gulf and up the eastern coast.... then finally traveling westward through the locks and dams of the Great lakes until eventually returning to the upper Mississippi, then you do it all over again!

Timed just right, you can enjoy summer in the north and winter in the south...and enjoy parts of this great country, that only a privileged few get to see.

Many years ago, I purchased an old 1957, 40 ft Chris Craft yacht at an estate auction. All of my family and friends thought that I was crazy for buying it....and even crazier for dumping more time and money into something that they were convinced, would probably never see open waters again, at least not in my lifetime.

But to me, it was not only a thing of absolute beauty, it was the embodiment of all my dreams to someday 'sail away', and enjoy life to the fullest!

Every free moment, and every extra dollar I had...was spent on that old boat. I eventually restored it to it's former beauty and seaworthiness, by investing hours and hours of hard work and determination. Every brass fitting on that ship, gleamed like gold, every teakwood board on the deck was restored to showroom quality.

Many hours, many dollars and a lot of skinned knuckles were invested in rebuilding the ships twin engines until they both would spring to life instantly at the turn of the key, and sit there and purr like the precision machines that they were designed to be. Plus there were many "upgrades" that I had added to the ship, to bring it up to modern standards for both comfort and safety.

At long last, there was absolutely nothing left, that needed to be done to the old ship! On Memorial Day, 2019, I informed my family and some close friends that I had completed the restoration of the ship, and that I had made arrangements to have it transported to the boat launch ramp by the casino in St Joseph Missouri...where we would christen the boat. "The Tia Maria" in honor of the woman whose estate I had purchased the ship from.

I honestly do not know what I was expecting from my family and friends... a few pats on the back and a few exclamations of "GOOD JOB!' maybe.....but certainly not the " What the fuck, Dad?', or the " You seriously think you are going to spend your retirement years on that rickety old boat?" responses I got from my son and daughter. Nor the " You can do whatever the hell you want, but I am not setting foot on that damn boat".... response I got from my wife!

Well, apparently there comes a time in a man's life, when he has to choose between crushing his own hopes and dreams...to keep peace in the family. OR Double down on his intentions and follow through on something that he has been dreaming about....and working toward for years!

I chose the latter.... Told my family that they could kiss my ass, because I will be casting off in one week....and if anyone cares to join me...fine...if not, then I will send you all post cards when I get to New Orleans...end of conversation and end of our Memorial day festivities!

Since I knew I was probably not going to have anyone from my circle of family and friends traveling with me...and knowing that I probably would need some help to operate the ship. I decided to place an ad on Craigslist for deckhands, and posted details about my planned trip.

Although I wasn't expecting a lot of replies to my ad... I was at least hoping for one or two.

Days pass, and still no replies to my ad...

I get the ship loaded down with supplies, food, fuel, extra parts, etc. make arrangements with my bank to cover my expected financial needs...while I am gone and work out a contingency plan for the "unexpected"...and begin to count down the days until I can "Weigh anchor" and be off on the adventure of a lifetime.

My wife and the rest of my family had cooled down by now....and realized that I was going to do this...with their blessing or without....and had finally accepted the fact that it was really going to happen..and begrudgingly gave me their blessings and wished me luck on my excursion.

Finally, on the very day that I planned to leave....I receive an email from "Bob".....saying "Never done anything like this....but I am a fast learner, and a hard worker and would love to do this.....when can I start?"

I immediately send back a reply" How fast can you get here, I plan to leave today" Gave directions to the boat dock....and hit send. Minutes later....I get a reply back..." Packing my shit now....be there in less than an hour! Don't leave without me ... PLEASE!!!

An hour passes, ...No Bob.....two hours pass...Still no sign of Bob. So I decide that I have waited long enough. I start up the engines, do a quick stem to stern check to make absolutely sure that everything is ready for the long journey and begin to untie the shore lines.

Just as I grab ahold of the first rope. I hear a god-awful commotion coming from the area of the parking lot. I stop what I am doing...step off of the ship...and make my way up the ramp to see what is happening.

There in the midst of a cloud of dust and smoke and steam is the most beat up car I have ever seen ..still allowed on the roadways! I can make out a shadowy figure frantically tossing duffle bags on the ground.... from the back seat.

This person is wearing a navy watch cap pulled down over their ears, a huge yellow rain coat, at least three sizes too big... what looked to be cut off jeans and a pair of knee high white rubber Shrimp fisherman's boots!

They quickly throw a backpack over their shoulders, slam the car door shut, at least three times before it finally latches....grabs up the duffel bags and begins to head my direction at an awkward trot.

"Oh Dear God" I thought to myself. ". I hope this is not BOB!" No sooner, had this thought passed through my mind....This person spots me.....begins waving and yelling in a high shrill very feminine voice.... "Hi, Im Bob! Thanks for waiting! Ran out of gas and blew a tire trying to get here!"

As she approaches I can clearly see that she is indeed female....probably in her mid twenties. She drops her bags and extends her hand for a handshake. Not knowing what else to do or say... I shake her hand and stammer " So you're Bob, Well, I'm Rick....you're not exactly the kind of "Bob" that I was expecting....but welcome aboard"

"My birth name is Roberta" she says " But all my friends call me Bob....sorry if you thought I was a guy"

"Doesn't bother me, which gender you are...as long as you are willing to do what needs to be done...and not expect me to cut you any slack"....I said "Because on board a ship....everyone has to be able to do their fair share, and pull their own weight or we could both end up severely injured or dead"!

She quickly assured me that she was here to do whatever is expected of her....and promised me that she would do so, without question of complaint!

"Can't ask for any more than that!" I said "Go ahead and store your gear below deck. Cabins are straight ahead through the galley, I've got my stuff towed in the one on the right...left one is all yours. Neither one has doors, curtains only....so I hope you don't snore too loud!"

She laughed and said " I'll try to keep it under control"....then headed off down the steps with her bags in tow.

I proceeded to free up the shore lines, and get the ship underway. The "old girl" must have been as eager to set off on an adventure as I was. She slipped effortlessly away from the dock...swung her bow toward the main channel of the river....and off we went...headed for parts unknown!

The river current was swift enough....that I soon shut off the engines, to conserve fuel....and just let the ship float along at her own pace. Marveling at all of the beautiful scenery and wildlife along the river, that we were privileged to enjoy, and that those poor people rushing past us, on the bridges and overpasses above us....could never imagine.

At our current speed, I figured that we would be passing through Kansas City sometime late afternoon. from there we would be basically , on our own...until we reached Jefferson City. All that I had to do, was keep the ship in the deep main channel, watch out for marker bouys and submerged tree trunks, and be prepared to stay out of the way of barge traffic.

Somewhere around the time that we passed the juncture of the Missouri and the Kaw Rivers....I began to smell food cooking somewhere, and suddenly realized that I was starving!! I had only had a light breakfast early this morning....and had been too busy to stop for lunch. Suddenly, finding something to eat, became my number one priority!

Just as I was surveying the river bank....looking for a good place to drop anchor and stop for a while.... Bob, suddenly reappeared topside.. carrying a tray, with two mugs of soup and a plate of sandwiches.

"Thought, you might be getting hungry, so I rummaged through the galley cupboards....and made us something to eat, Hope you aren't too picky, Cooking is not one of my natural born talents" she said with a grin.

"Right now, anything edible is greatly appreciated" I said

Bob had changed into a very form fitting, black sparkely tee shirt, cut off jean shorts that looked to be at least two sizes too small, a pair of white canvas deck shoes...and had lost the watch cap, and now had her hair tied up in a pony tail.

Very "eye catching" to say the least! Have no idea how she will work out as a deck hand, but just having a beautiful young woman like that on board, was enough to make this old man, have more than a few "lascivious thoughts"....which was not necessarily a bad thing!

"Okay" I said, as we began to enjoy our meal "Since we really didn't get to talk much before we started off on this adventure, What made you decide that you wanted to throw in with a total stranger, and travel on an old ship, facing any number of unknown dangers, traveling to who knows where, Inquiring minds would like to know?" I laughed.

"good question" she said " that old beat up car, that I drove up in... THAT has been my home for the last two months! So leaving that behind, to live on what I would call a luxury yacht, was a no brainer!" she said " I've had to deal with more than my fair share of stranger danger, so I figured that being stuck on board a ship with an old pervert like you, couldn't be half as bad as what I was leaving behind!!

"Damn" I said " I thought I had my pervert horns tucked away where you couldn't see them" I laughed.."That obvious, Huh? "

"Not really" she said " But, You are male, thus you are guilty until you can prove that you are innocent"

"So, how did you end up living in your car? If you don't mind my asking"

"Oh, I don't mind....just a series of bad decisions and hooking up with the wrong people, is pretty much how I ended up living in that escapee from a scrapyard." she confided... grew up a preachers daughter, Parents wanted me to go off to college, maybe find myself a nice doctor or lawyer to marry and settle down and have a whole flock of kids with. but that was not what I wanted"

"Got in a big ass fight with my parents on my 21st birthday.... packed my shit and moved out, that very night. Spent the next two years couch surfing at friends houses until my welcome would wear out. Finally got a full time job waitressing and stripping at a "titty bar" in Des Moines. Met this guy that said he loved me, gave me an apartment, some clothes and shit...all for the low low price of a couple of blowjobs during the week and a good hard fucking on the weekend. Life was just peachy"! she said.

"Hey I knew the fucker was using me, just as much as I was using him. But we were both getting exactly what we both wanted and needed..so what the fuck, take it while you can get, and ride that ride for as long as it lasts!"

"Unfortunately, the bottom fell out of everything a couple of months ago. Turns out this asshole was embezzling money from the company he worked for....and the stupid fucker got caught! He ends up losing his job, and is probably facing jail time...He cant pay the rent on the apartment, and my job doesnt pay me enough to afford digs like that....so I end up getting tossed out on my ass in the middle of the night. End up living in my car, got fired from my strippers job for being late too many times....and with the last few dollars that I can scrape together, I head off to beautiful St Joseph Mo...where I was told were lots of jobs! NOT! " then gave me a nod and a sideways grin.

" Saw your ad, and thought what the hell, been thinking of heading down to the river anyway. Figured if I couldn't leave this shithole town with you...I would just jump off the fucking bridge and be done with it all. So, you waiting for me this morning, saved my life actually, so I do owe you a thank you for that!!

"Wow! I had no idea" I said

"I was just looking for some help and companionship while I live out an old man's dream. Had no clue that someone else's life could be hanging in the balance, because of it!"

"Oh, I seriously doubt that I would ever actually jump off a fucking bridge....but a person gets to that point where they might consider it as an alternative to the life they are living.... you know?" she says...

Bob, then jumps up...gathers up the dishes and says " let me take care of these, then, Captain, how about you start teaching me all about what I need to know , about running this ship"

Then quick as a flash....she was down the steps and out of sight.

When Bob returned, I began going over the things that I would be expecting her to do, on this trip. I told her that when the ship is motion, who ever is behind the wheel, has all that they can do...to navigate the river channels. " It's not as simple as simply pointing the boat down river and keep it in between the banks. There are obstacles hiding in the water, and channel markers to keep watch for, so that we keep this ship in the deepest water, so we don't run aground and end up stuck on a sandbar or wing dike."

I then showed her the books of river navigation charts that we can use to see exactly where we are at any given time....and know how to navigate around known problem areas, etc. I showed her that we also have GPS system, marine band radios. sattellite phone for emergencies and regular cell phone WHEN we can get a signal.

After studying the charts for a few moments, she suddenly had this look of amazement in her eyes, as she said " So you mean to tell me, that you can actually travel up and down this river....just as if we were driving on an interstate highway"?

"Yep" I said "and if you look right over there on the bank, you can see a white day sign, with black numbers on it, well that is a river mile marker...just like the mile marker signs you see along the highway!"

"You're shitting me" she says with a grin

"Nope" I said "honest to god's truth! Now they aren't exactly one mile apart like they are on a highway....they are just "approximately one mile from the last sign...because rivers are constantly changing and it might have added some curves during the last flooding season adding a bit more distance, or it might have straightened out a curve and shortened the distance. But having those numbers on the bank...helps to tell you where you are on the river...and where to look in the navigation charts "

"those other signs over there with the different colored squares and triangles, they can tell you if you are going up river or down...and which side of the river you need to be on...to stay in the deepest water. They can even alert you to hidden dangers under the water...like submerged trees, old shipwrecks, stuff like that"

"Well, fuck me a running" Bob shouted " Had not a fucking clue! Always thought once you leave the city you were pretty much, on you own, out in the wilderness, and had no idea where you were until you came to another city, or could see a familiar landmark!"

"Okay, So I am not expecting you to jump behind the wheel and start piloting the ship right away" I said "But I do expect for you to learn how to do it as we go along...Just in case something happens to me, and you need to take over and get us where we need to go!"

"Think you can manage that" I asked

"aye,aye captain" she said while giving me a salute...

"Other than that....I simply expect you to help me with whatever tasks need to be done...keep the ship tidied up and things stowed away, so we don't trip over them" then I showed her where we keep the life jackets the inflatable life boat, , fire extinguishers, life preservers, first aid kits, etc.

"We've got a very long trip ahead of us, and absolutely no time schedule to keep. When we get there, we get there. So feel free to relax and enjoy the adventure any way you want."

"Thanks," she said, and with that...turned and scurried back down the stairs and out of sight.

As we came upon another crossing marker, I maneuvered the ship across the river to stay in the main channel and met up with a huge barge making its way up river, towards us...I gave the huge craft a wide berth as it chugged past us. Shortly after it had gone by...we suddenly found ourselves rocking and rolling sideways in the huge craft's wake. Up to this point, I had been fairly proud of my skills as a ship's captain....but the sudden turbulence we experienced had me wondering if we were going to stay upright or not! I had forgot a very basic rule of navigation on the river...never allow a barges wake to hit you broadside...always angle your ship so that the bow cuts through the waves first!

Finally, once the waters calmed down, we were back to "smooth sailing" once again.

Bob, popped back up from the hatch stairwell , with a wild eyed look of panic in her eyes and said" Just what in the holy fuck was THAT all about?"

"Just a little patch of rough water" I laughed sheepishly

"Well that will be enough of that" She said "thought you had done gone and hit a fucking ice berg or something! I didn't sign on for none of that TITANIC shit! You hear me mister!" she scolded and pointed her finger at me...while trying to hide a big grin!

"Yes MAM" I laughed...."Think its about time I find a good place to park this thing for the night. Wouldn't want to go head to head with another one of those barges, in the dark. Think I need a bit more practice before we try that!"

Quickly checking the charts, I can see that there is a public boat ramp, with a mooring area about two river miles ahead. So, I fire up the engines, set the throttle at a fast idle....and work our way to that destination before it got too dark.

We arrive at the boat ramp and find that the mooring area was tucked in behind a big wing dike....offering our ship protection from the wakes of any more passing barges.

Bob, helps me to get the ship secured to the mooring points. Then we both go below deck, close the hatch to settle in for the night.

Bob, says that she would love to take a shower....so I tell her to go right ahead, I'm in no hurry.

While she is in the shower, I lay down across my bunk, take out my cell phone and call my wife, to give her an update on the days progress. First thing she asked...was whether I was making the trip alone...or did I have sense enough to find someone to travel with me.

Knowing better than to give my wife too many details for her to worry about, or conjure up all sorts of unlikely "scenarios"....I tell her. "Yes, I found someone to travel with me....Name is Bob. Never traveled by ship before, but seems to be a fast learner, think things are going to work out real well!"

Had I told her the whole story, that I had a twenty something former stripper, bare ass naked in the shower, not ten feet away from me. My wife would have probably hopped on a plane and beat me to St Louis...just so that she could be there to hand me divorce papers on the spot!! I Figured that what she doesn't know....can't hurt me.. and to just leave it at that!