And the Award Goes To....

And the Award Goes To...

As the limousine approached the Dolby theatre, Anna Kendrick popped her head out the window and looked upon the protesters. She couldn't make out what the signs said but she was pretty sure she knew the gist of them- "Award, not Exploitation", "the Oscars Objectify Us", "Actresses- Not Porn Stars" and the like.

Indeed, when Elizabeth Banks stepped out of the limo ahead of hers Anna saw the actress pelted with eggs and rotten fruit, and heard someone shouting, "How's it feels to have set women back a hundred years you traitorous cunt?"

Fortunately, when it came time for Anna to step out and walk down the red carpet the protestors seemed to have run out of physical things to throw and she only had to contend with their words- even if some did make the blood rush to her face.

The previous year...

No one knew for sure (or at least no one who did was saying anything) what motivated the Academy to come up with Award for Best Nude Body when they did a couple years prior; the most popular conspiracy theory was the studios pressured it to so actresses they considered "too stuck up to take it off" would have a reason to do so.

At first a sizeable number of celebrities, spearheaded by the likes of Julia Roberts and Sandra Bullock and including Anna herself even, protested the creation of the category.

But then Camren Bicondova showed up at the ceremony to accept her statuette, and gradually many of those protestors started to think the category was their best bet- if not their only one- of ever having the gold-plated gent on their nightstand short of buying him from a local pawn shop.

Anna at first held out for a while, at least longer than others, but repeatedly being passed over for actresses who reconsidered their stances on "putting out"- as many accused them of- gradually wore her down, until a fateful day when she agreed to meet Archie Harper, an up and coming film school golden boy, at Musso's and Frank's to discuss a lead part in his independent project Tell Diane.

In Archie's defense the film he described had an interesting plot, and the character he laid out for her sounded intelligent and complex; nevertheless, it was only a matter of time until the elephant in the room- namely several love scenes- was addressed.

"I don't know..." Anna started, "They warned us if that even if you show 'em your tits just once that's all you'll ever be good for..."

"Only if you allow it to be," Archie countered, "I mean, look at Julianne Moore, Kate Winslet or Rachel Weisz- none of them let doing nude scenes get in the way of respectability."

"Yeah, I guess," Anna said, still not entirely convinced.

"I mean if anything," Archie pressed on, "Those actresses who think they'll only be wanted to take their tops off don't seem to have much faith in their own talent."

His face abruptly froze, as if the director suddenly thought he had gone too far; Anna looked him straight in the eye for a good long time while she considered her choices.

"You know what- fuck it," Anna finally decided," Let Julia bitch all she wants, it's not like anyone's beating down a path to her door these days..."

The Ceremony...

Anna repeatedly clenched unclenched both hands in unease; soon her category would be announced, and she would know if what she did on Tell Diane was worth it. Leaning forward and looking to her left she saw Archie looking her way, despite appearing as nervous as she was the director gave her a thumbs up for encouragement.

Eventually the moment of truth arrived as Margot Robbie stepped up to the podium; standing there in her elegant dress the statuesque blonde made several quick quips that no one really paid attention to let alone laugh at, before she finally got down to business, "The nominees for Best Nude Body are...

"Elizabeth Banks, for Zack and Miri Make a Porno II," to which she received faint applause...

"Lucy Hale for Tarzana and James," more hands clapped to this but not many.

"Jamie Alexander for Blindspot: The Movie- and finally, Anna Kendrick for Tell Diane." hearing the most applause of the four lifted Anna's spirits, if only a little, and brought her back to that shooting day...

The Year Before...

It was a shot for one of the love scenes for Tell Diane; Anna had insisted they get those out of the way first before she lost her nerve, but Archie had yet to land her a co-star and was reluctant to step in- Anna had to assure him as long as he didn't get too aggressive, she wouldn't later accuse him of 'pulling a Harvey Weinstein'.

Clad in only a bathrobe, she stared her reflection in the eye for a good long time until she finally psyched herself up enough to leave the trailer.

Everyone awaited her, approaching the set Anna shed her rob and stepped in front of the camera to the sound of multiple gasps and the sight of Archie's jaw dropping so far it looked in danger of falling off as he stared at her bountiful breasts and trimmed bush.

"Oh, grow the fuck up you guys," Anna laughed, "Seriously, somebody'd think you'd never seen tits and pubes before."

In her mind she briefly pondered the possibility that some of them never had.

Archie closed his jaw, shook his head, and sat down on the couch behind him. His assistant director slapped the clapperboard together and shouted, "Action!"

As the scene demanded Archie lifted his arm and beckoned Anna to approach. She stepped forward, sat down next to the director and, after they met each other's gaze for an appropriately long-enough moment, she took his arm by the wrist and guided his hand toward her breast.

When he gently circled her nipple with his fingertip Anna moaned; for someone nervous about doing this himself Archie had a nice touch.

Archie moved from stroking her nipple to lightly grasping and massaging Anna's breast. Anna was surprised how good his hand felt, she was starting to regret not doing this kind of scene with him before!

At this point the scene called for Anna to lean forward and kiss Archie; his touch had turned her on so much she rushed forward and, her lips pressing into his, pushed the director right onto his back, her tongue invading his mouth.

Archie's eyes bulged open in surprise, but he made no sound or motion to stop, and the camera crew kept filming- until the assistant director shouted "Cut!"

Anna sat up straight as the assistant director approached her, "Great shot, Anna," she told the actress, "But we need to shoot from another angle."

"Give me a minute to cool down first," Archie gasped between breaths, "Unless you want people online pointing out I've busted a nut in my pants between shots."

The Ceremony...

"And the Award goes too..." a drum roll commenced as Margot opened the envelope; Anna crossed fingers on both hands as did Archie.

"Elizabeth Banks, for Zack and Miri Make a Porno II," Margot announced, Anna dropped her head in disappointment.

At the post-ceremony soiree Anna helped herself to some hors d' oeuvres as Archie approached her, "I'm really sorry," he said in a wistful tone.

"Ah well, you know what they say," Anna replied, though not as somberly, "It's an honor just to be nominated and all that crap."

"So- this loss hasn't turned you off nudity forever, right?" Archie probed, "I'm only asking 'cause as far as the critics are concerned, you're the only reason to watch my film."

To that they both laughed.