Androshorts - The Perfect Jezebel

"Tony?" he said.

"Flat Two," I said, pointing to the illuminated name above the second bell push. He stared at it as if it was really hard to understand concept.

"Sorry," he mumbled.

"That door there mate," I said, stepping back to allow him in and pointing across the hall.

"Fanks," he said, and trotted away.

I walked back to my front door and Domino's man thumped Tony's door. As I pulled my door closed, I heard that loud, slightly throaty rumbled. "up here mate," from Tony who had evidently opened Anna-Louisa's front door.

At least when he came to my place and we fucked, I cooked for him, real food, from ingredients not from an app.

The pizza had the desired effect though as when I lay in my large but solitary bed, I could hear a very distinct but familiar 'squeak-squeak-squeak' from above. I paused my Netflix viewing and listened.

"Oh...oh...oh...oh..." rhythmically and almost poetically shouted, followed by a shrill "Oh Tony!"

Now Tony had been nice to look at and quite athletic, but never for that long, I didn't know if he was just quick or whether he was only interested in his own satisfaction.

I'd had several relationships before him and Tony had never really made it into that league. We shared quite a few meals and my bed of course, but we'd never dated and by that, I mean we'd never left the house.

We'd cuddled up on my sofa until our passion got the better of us, and we'd retreat to my bed and he'd generally sleep over, there were a few times that he'd left in the small hours because of a commitment he'd had the next morning; sporting events, charity stuff and he'd kiss my cheek and make his apologies, insisting he didn't want to wake me the next morning.

I asked him if I could come along and cheer him on, just once; he blustered for a few moments then with a relieved smile, came up with 'there won't be room in the van, I'm picking up a couple of mates that are helping out'.

I asked him where it was so I could bring cold drinks to the finish line. He was much quicker that time, throwing in it was a long way away, I wouldn't know where and he only had one parking permit and it was strictly limited. That was the very first 'Back off Andrea, we aren't that kind of friend' message.

I remembered something from a comedy session I went to on a short cruise around the Med; it was a late-night performance and the jokes quite risqué and rude, but I was clutching my sides along with my friend Gail. The comedian closed the anecdote with,

"'Course I luvs ya, fucks ya don't I?"

And at that point I finally realised that we were 'fuck buddies', nothing more than that. If he wanted a weekend fuck, he'd wait for me to arrive home on a Thursday or Friday then have the nice chat with me and arrangements would be made.

Only once did I have to turn him down for sex, having hit my 'time of the month' the morning before. We retreated to my sofa for our usual kiss and cuddle, which would ordinarily have us getting to boiling point. He'd pulled up my tank top and was chewing quite nicely on my nipples and stroking my groin and towards my flushed and quite menstrual pussy.

"Tony," I gasped, "we can't..." he smothered my mouth with a kiss, "TONY!" I sat up, "We can't... we can't do it tonight, I'm on."

"Oh..." he said, stopping everything.

"We can carry on doing this if you like," I said with a smile, my hand still on his groin.

He paused and looked almost... annoyed? Yes, he very definitely looked pissed off.

"You could have told me," he said pulling his arm from around my shoulder.

"This is still really nice," I said, "you don't have to..."

"Oooooohkay!" he pronounced with some real disappointment, even sadness, "I have to be up early tomorrow, so..."

"So, if you can't screw me you aren't going to be spending the night, is that it? There are other men Tony!"

He must have realised that his 'injured Labrador' eyes and let-down hero persona wasn't doing what he wanted he tried to cut in.

"Nooooooooooo, no-no-no-no Andi, honestly!"

"Because Tony, if I'm just a cooked meal and a fuck then..."

"Noooooooo! Andi!" he pleaded, "we're way more than that, we're..." he paused.

"We're what Tony?"

"We're speeeeeecial," he slid his arm back around my shoulder and tried to hug his way back into my affections, my dining room and bedroom at least.

"Riiiiiiight," I said.

He did stay that night and was extremely attentive, but only in the way he would have been to someone that was ill, not someone he was in any kind of relationship with.

If nothing else I now knew where I stood. From that point on I decided that two could play at that game. I made sure that some Saturday evenings I wasn't available, even if it was just a run out to visit Mum and Dad, or Roxy, Del and tiny Emma who was getting cuter by the day.

I'd come home late and would tiptoe in just in case Tony was listening for me, as he had once. He'd tried to sweet talk his way into my bed or kitchen, but I just threw in 'time of the month' and he was back to injured Labrador again.

I threw him a bone sometimes though, I knew he was a twat that was using me for food and sex but I adopted his opinion, he was a guilt and complication free shag. I didn't love me, nor me him, and I couldn't foresee a future with him.

I'd told him I'd had to stop taking the pill for health reasons which meant he would have to bring condoms with him; complete rubbish of course but it meant that he was the one getting up and going to the bathroom and not me.

It did sometimes have him dressing, kissing my cheek and buggering off to his flat, but I really didn't care. Having read a Cosmo' article I'd bought myself a 'Womanizer' vibe and my nights weren't anywhere near as boring. Just to add to the fun I'd bought a large cock-shaped dildo roughly the same size and shape as my brother-in-law and my evenings were far more interesting.

I'd allowed him into my bed at least once a month, just so he didn't forget me. If he left, the womanizer came out and I finished myself off, seeing as Tony very rarely did.

Now the perfect Anna-Louisa arrived, and it really didn't matter anymore, she was dishing out the goods and I guessed I was no longer of any interest.

Maiden pride was slightly injured of course, I'd gone from my 'exchange of dinner' to sexless spinster, and he dumped me for the double-double barrelled hottie in the flat above mine.

To absolutely drive home the bitterness, I could hear them shagging themselves quite stupid (quite quickly) in the bedroom directly above mine.

On one evening where a strange glitch in the weather had our house quite warm. It took me forever to get my thermostat settings where I wanted them so just pushed open a small quarter-window over my bed. In doing so I could hear the upstairs lovers going for it.

Lying there in a too warm but still too hot fug, I switched off my phone and rolled over to sleep.

Squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak...

Oh for fuck's sake, were they at it EVERY night?

It was about a fortnight into the adventure, and they had been shagging last thing at night and first thing in the morning just as we had on our Saturdays. I made to pull my pillow over my head when I heard a half-annoyed-half-plaintive whine.

"Oh Tony..." sighed Anna-Louisa Tyrwhitt-Gray, adding a disappointed "ALREADY?"

I found myself biting my pillow, surely the first time I'd ever had to do that when any kind of sex had been concerned, but I knew if I could hear their pillow talk, they'd probably be able to hear my laughter.

Tony had never been that much of long-stayer when we did it, but I really liked the lead up and would try to get what I wanted before anything was put anywhere.

"Anna-Louisa, Babe!" he pleaded, in the same voice he'd used with me, "it's just..." he paused.

I waited with bated breath; I'd never taken him to task about his quick finishes and was intrigued how he was going to get away with this.

"Babe," he stutterted, "Babe, it's because you're so fucking sexy, I mean..." I guessed there was some demonstration going on above me, "I mean just look at you, how the fuck could any normal bloke make love to such a sexy woman and hold off." I almost applauded, what a good answer! He delivered the final punch, "Practice Babe," he said quietly, "I need more practice; shit, how could any man ever have enough of you..."

That was a bloody good response, but... I felt a choke in my throat. We'd slept together on and off for just over eight months and he'd never been as cute or as loving as that with me.

Shit, we'd never even kissed, not properly anyway; not one of those 'eyes locking, missed heartbeat' ones that let you know that this might just the one, the person you want to do it all for, and with.

I climbed onto my bed and silently pulled the window closed so I didn't have to listen to the giggles and gasps of loving attention they were paying each other.

I fell asleep quite quickly, an eye to my bedside alarm clock announcing it was just before eleven. At this point he'd be kissing my cheek and saying 'see ya'. What am I saying, this was a Thursday evening and we'd never made... had sex midweek, not once.

I woke early as felt recovered from my night-time over-hearings; Tony was 'with Anna-Louisa' and never was with me. I showered, had a bowl of cereal and a mug of tea and was ready for the world.

I pulled my flat door closed and picked up my mail, bending over in my tight, shortish blue skirt I had to wear for the agency and turned as I heard the squeak of the staircase. There was Tony, in boxers, a T-shirt and looking haggard.

"Morning Tony!" I said with a giggle, "You dooog!" I almost shouted in a fake congratulations.

"Shhhhhhhhh!" Tony said, an extended finger to his lips, "Anna-Louisa is trying to sleep."

"Yeah, well you certainly kept her up half the night you dirty bugger!"

"Andrea please!" he gasped almost in desperation.

"Bloody hell mate," I said with a hint of a scold, "you never used to tiptoe out of my bedroom, the whole bloody street heard you."

That was true, Jane told me the first she knew of our liaison was when she'd heard my door slam shut, then Tony's.

"Yeah, let's not shout that from the rooftops please Andrea?"

I patted his cheek,

"Too fucking sensitive mate," I said, "But then that's always been a bit of problem with you hasn't it... Babe?" I gave him a big wink.

Revenge. It tasted quite sweet, if only temporarily.

That evening they started shagging at just after eight and it went on, there was a short squeak-less period where I guessed he was taking a rest and getting his strength back or taking something medicinal to help him on his way, but between nine and half-past I could hear groans of female delight, and I guessed he must have been going down on her.

Something else he never did with me. He did get quite manual with things, and I never complained, not once. But he'd never been a cunning linguist with me.

I guessed that was some kind of revenge from my upstairs neighbours; but then I figured he wouldn't have discussed our chat of that morning with Anna-Louisa, he was in bed with her for a start. If he'd said that I'd taken the piss about his sexual hair-trigger when we were in bed, I would have heard the screams from the town centre, and no way would he be munching on the hairy clam.

Tony was also a bit strange about an already fucked pussy. On several occasions I'd encouraged him to finger my G-spot seeing as I was so close. He all but left the room, complaining that he'd get his come on his fingers.

He was apparently going down on the hostess with the most-ess after he'd already fucked her. Definitely strange.

So strange that I pushed open my bedroom window and pulling my duvet around my shoulders, sat and listened.

"Tony... yeah... tongue me... right there... harder... oh fuck yeah, your finger... push your finger in... oh my Gaaaaaaaaaaaawd!" she all but howled, "What are you touching in there?!"

I'd spent a long Saturday evening teaching him where my G-spot was and what it felt like, and how I wanted it touched, stroked or scrubbed. He was quite good at that considering. And now it sounded like the bastard was doing it to the woman that had taken my place.

What a cunt. What a cunt to take MY sex education and use it on the bitch he'd dumped me for.

Karma leapt to my defence though, because something else I'd introduced him to came to my aid.

"Oh Tony, faster!" she panted, "FASTEEEEEEEEEEER OH MY FUCKING CHRIST!!" Then there was a shriek of such horror that I thought he might have stabbed her, but it was a much simpler explanation, "DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH ME THERE AGAIN! HOW FUCKING DARE YOU!"

I heard stamping and stomping and some hissed snarling and a couple of 'Babe... Babe please!" before her bedroom door slammed shut, then her front door did likewise.

I'd introduced Tony to the concept of a single pussy-wet finger pushed against my anus as I hit the spot, and a gentle twirl against the nerve endings just inside that you never believe are there until you find them 'for real'.

For me, it was the perfect end to a great come and I sometimes did it to myself when the Womanizer was doing its wonderful thing.

But not for Anna-Louisa Tyrwhitt-Gray (with an 'A') evidently. For me it was the perfect end to a perfect orgasm, but for Little Miss Perfect it was one step away from sexual assault.

I pulled my window closed silently again and laughed all the way to my kitchen and a low-calorie hot chocolate sachet in a mug. I took it back to bed with the biggest smile on my lips. That funny, revenge-fuelled feeling never left me and, you guessed it, I was pulling open my bottom drawer and lifting out the Womanizer, that huffed, puffed and vibrated across my tingling clit, leaving me naked, sweaty and probably more sexually satisfied than my love rival directly above me.

I woke fully refreshed the next morning and still feeling on the boil I leant back against the tiled wall of my shower and with the jets of my power shower blasting my big tits and hard nipples, I wanked my still hard clitty to the loveliest yet gentle come. Yes, I pushed my spare middle finger into my bottom and gave that a bit of a wiggle in remembrance of those days of sex with Tony.

Poor Anna-Louisa, bitch didn't know what was good for her.

Still with a post-wank glow and a thermal mug of tea I was in the hallway and picking the mail out of the basket as I saw Tony's front door was open.

"I'm so sorry Babe," I heard him bumble from inside his hallway, "it's just..."

"Don't worry To-To!" she purred back to him.

To-to? Fucking To-to? That's the dog that Dorothy takes to Oz isn't it?

She carried on with the soppy talk, "it just came as a bit of sup-wise that's all," I heard the squelch of a kiss. "You will get my dry cleaning for me today won't you To-To? Wont you?"

"Yeah," he said with some real positivity, certainly more than I'd ever heard from him; I couldn't even get him to buy some fizzy drinks for one of our summer parties.

"And that money for my gas and electric..."

"I'll have to check... in my account like."

"Your happy to be in comfort in my flat aren't you," she said, "Anyway, you know I'll make it up to you To-To!"

At least I only had him fuck me, I never took money from him.

That was strange, we didn't share the electric, each flat had its own gas and electric meter that we were all individually responsible for. The weather turned arctic cold again, and my window stayed closed until late February.

It was my turn to work a long Saturday and on my calendar I saw that the cheap tickets I'd ordered for a short break for Tony were ready to print. It was for a stag weekend in Prague, and I'd used some staff discount to send him and a clutch of his mates on an Easyjet flight to a good but cheap hotel, cheap booze, cheap food and hopefully nothing infectious from any other cut-price bargains they might find out there.

I took them home and knocked Tony's door, which was answered by Anna-Louisa.

"Oh, Hi," she said.

"Hi!" I said holding the brightly coloured envelope, "is Tony in?"

"Why?" she said with a smile worthy of the worst cinematic Nazi.

"I've got his tickets for this weekend," I said. I could hardly argue it was none of her business, she'd answered his front door which was more than I ever did.

"I'll take them," she reached out, the concentration camp smile turning colder than before.

"Well, tell him I hope he has a good time."

"Yeah," she hissed, her face losing all expression short of a sneer. "Easyjet?" she said, all but snapping the things from my hand, "Is that the best you could do?"

"Tony and his mates wanted cheap Anna," I said, knowing she'd want to correct me, "I'm sure you could have got them upgraded to business class, but their request to me was cheap and cheerful, perhaps you can arrange their next European piss-up, See yah!"

I swung on my heels and wiggled across to front door, knowing that my arse looked very good in that skirt, one of my older, pre-maternity ones.

I saw nothing of her or Tony for the rest of the week and I saw a different car in our small, four-space car park, Tony's dark 'Toned Fitness' van being out on the busy road for some reason, not safe on a car park, away from a fast junction and tight corner.

I had a takeaway Friday and feeling full and pleased, I retired to my bed with a glass of water and movies on demand. While flicking through my phone I noticed an FB messenger photo sent to me by Tony, of him and a bunch of his drunken mates in a seedy looking bar, all in a good mood by virtue of the empty beer bottles that filled their table.

I smiled, score another one for Andi.

As I flicked back for the Netflix movie I would cast to my bedroom TV, I stopped at the noise from upstairs.

Squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak; slower and possibly louder and much, much longer than the previous occupant. I flicked back to Facebook and there were more photos of him and his pissed mates posted minutes before, so it definitely wasn't Tony up there.

There was no way I would be opening my window against the bitterly cold night and guessed that neither would Anna-Louisa.

But her lover solved the problem for me, the squeak-squeak-squeak got louder and louder, and so did Anna-Louisa,

"Oh God, Jeff! Shit, please don't stop!" she shouted, "fuck me Jeff, fuck me!"

He obviously did, as the squeaking increased in speed and pitch silenced only by her screech of completion, with a very loud 'Oh Jeffrey!'

I was at work the next morning and seeing no post unlocked the front door, holding it open for the tall, distinguished, just greying haired, uniformed airline pilot with a big smile on his face walking down the hall stairs.

And why wouldn't he be. His plastic name badge announced 'Captain Jeff Rotheray', and it was odds on that he screwed the beautiful and sexy air hostess Anna-Louisa Tyrwhitt-Gray the night before.

I smiled back,

"Good morning!" he said.

"Good morning!" I replied with a smile. Evidently I hadn't had quite as good a night as he'd had but still.

He climbed into the strange car, and it revved into noisy, throaty life and I saw the Jaguar cat and some letters beginning with an X. It sounded expensive at least.

When I got home Tony's van was back on the drive. Anna-Louisa must have significantly lowered her standards and put it back where her other lover's Jag had been.

Somehow that annoyed me more than the new man. She had a key for Tony's place obviously and must have gone down, moved his van and all of the tools of his trade, his entire business, off of the safe and secure driveway he paid for out of his lease and covered with his own CCTV so the man she was fucking in his place could put his expensive Jaguar there.