All Comments on 'Annie'

Not too bad, a bit confusing in an odd way. Keep writing.

I'm pretty sure stealing sperm and inseminating an egg with it is still a pretty serious crime but otherwise i liked the story

You wrote in present tense. That means when you use past tense it is to refer to things that happened BEFORE the events of the story. However, you switch back and forth from past to present tense when talking about things happening at the same time in the story. That is hugely distracting.

Also, please write dialog like actual writers do and don't invent your own method. It gets really difficult to keep track of who is speaking.

KB

So that was a strange one.

Not sure about his reaction to the situation or the people involved and the strangest route to multiple wives I have read.

What in the absolute fuck? They should have gotten jail time. They had no right to do this to the man. And the way you wrote about this, him calmly accepting this violation of the highest kind? It's utterly disgusting.

Didn't think that I was going to like it, but turned out really good in a strange sort of way. You're a pretty damn good writer to pull that off.

An editor would have made this a better read.

I thought it would be better in Non Erotic Or a good ole turkey shoot:- You Gobble & I'll Shoot...5 Stars ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ WOOF!

Morality, the law and being a decent human doesn't matter as long as it fulfills the simp urges to destroy their own lives to provide even when it's forced upon them I morally and illegally.

Next stop, cum chugging of Chads cream pies.

holes there but i enjoyed it. part i didnt like is that he could have made a shitload of money in law suits. frank must not have been a very good lawyer.

Unique plot line. “Annie” works well as a quick read, but I think it also could serve as the skeleton of a larger more developed story. Or maybe a series of spinoff short pieces.

I’m interested to see how the George/Georgie/Norma Jean/Cathy/Connie relationship grew into a ‘modern family’. They all seem like pretty colorful characters. All sorts of plot tangents (George’s jail time, Julia’s affair and scheming with Annie, Annie’s marriage, etc.).

I enjoyed the read. Thank you for sharing your story.

forgot but maybe non-erotic cat, wasnt much of a loving wife, a loving mother sure father sure

Seems it was all about setting himself up with three women that he knocked up. The initial part seemed to be leading up to something but then we find out it was a cut and dried case of fraud and no repercussions. Thereafter, he moves in with the women and his son. The writer could have spun something about how the relations evolved to where he was fucking all the women, especially the lesbians, threesomes cum to mind.

Ah well....

Good bones, good setup. No conflict, emotional journey, crossroads, anything. Kind of a first page and a last page with nothing in between, yet it had promise.

The guy went to law school. He was served papers and needed a lawyer to explain what was going on? He wore more female clothing and underwear than the woman he seduced. Do you have to cross-dress to go to a lesbian party? The entire story was convoluted with names tossed out like party favors. Who was on first?

. . . was it not granted if George Armstrong (Custer?) was determined to be the biological father? He now has a legal obligation to the child, and the state does not like not having a financially responsible father.

It was odd that he was determined to be the biological father absent a DNA test.

The story idea was a good one, but it needed work in execution.

A solid outline. Please let us know when you write the story.

Present tense is hard to read. 99% of fiction is past tense for a reason. It's also hard to write, as evidenced by you switching about half way through to past tense.

Other than that, a good first story.

I feel like this could be longer and in some ways better. Almost like you gave up once he was in court. Why he shows no anger at being deceived and how she had a court order thrown at him shocks me. He is just calm as can be and then ends up moving in with three women. A confirmed bachelor then gets married and she also doesn't mind living with the other women. To mixed up for my liking.

I enjoyed it. Definitely off the beaten path for LW. I look forward to your next effort.

I would sue them actually, cant see the Judge giving he anything. Who the hell knows, not a lawyer. But too nice of a guy really

...but not as true to the characters that I had pictured based on your words. Maybe if the story was fleshed out more it would have made sense that he get to know a corrupt woman suing him for a child he didnt know existed. Normal humans want nothing to do with being taken advantage like that. You definitely are able to write, but that part didn't seem to make sense.

Should have brought suit against the fertility clinic, ex-girlfriend and the doctor. Where was the paper work covering his sperm donations?

I would be having a major fit. Do any of these characters have more than a fifth grade education? Oh, that is right this is Texas.

Paternity fraud or medical malpractice?

Why is the in LW.

As a reader, the story lacked emotion for me. The characters came across as a little robotic, with none of the expected human reactions to situations. The claimants just went and fessed up to fraud with no prompting whatsoever, while the doctor was clearly guilty f medical malpractice. Yet the judge did nothing and the protagonist carries on as if these were all perfectly nice people.

My advice would be for more detail/research next time.

This was fraud and all involved would be subject to criminal investigation. The doctor would lose his license, and the facility would be investigated. Having this come out in court was the worst way it could for the soon to be defendants. On the record and only way of discounting would be to admit perjury.

So this little tale had a couple of things running against it. Unemotional. Enough gaps to drive that lot of Nissans through.

No one else seems to question that the former football lineman is wearing thong panties, a push up bra and 3" heels? His breasts got the attention they crave? Can someone explain why everyone accepts this so readily? I am lost here. Help this country boy out, please

As soon as I saw present tense, I bailed. I see from comments couldn't even stick to a tense!

Bro just weird. Kinda beta Male. Just accept getting rolled and then reward it.

So why would Normal Jean want to share her man with two other women? Oh, they're Lesbians, so its almost like they're not even real people. Well, not real women anyway. And the whole hearsay support for the court case is preposterous: We stole his sperm and sold it to some Lesbian and he never knew but now we want this guy to assume responsibility for our theft and unlawful actions. Uh, you do know stealing and selling semen is theft, don't you?

I get you want to be a writer. Keep practicing. Someday you may become one.

But not this day.

He could have easily sued for sole physical and legal custody and won it. He also could sue the Doctor, his ex-girlfriend, and everyone else who knew what was happening. Finally, the law would have something to say about this and some of the people involved especially his old GF and the Doctor who would no longer be a Doctor. Wouldn't that be a gut punch to the Ex GF if the Doctor lost his license to practice (which he would in a heartbeat).

The storyline and plot were very good and with some work on subplot, character development and serious revisions in the main plot, this could be/have been a great and unique story. As it sits, it's simply not that good.

LOL...

It's too bad that there wasn't an epilogue of how Julie found out George has money...

...I had the same problem and had to go back. I realized it was a perspective shift to Catherine but was not labeled as such. It's one of the reasons I lowered the score.

I enjoyed the story, throughly.

That said, it was a struggle at times. You changed perspective and did not clue the reader that a different person was using the first person perspective. It was most awkward when she was taking off what I thought was his blouse.

Also confusing was the living arrangements in the home. You did explain it, but it was awkward and disjointed.

You need a fresh set of eyes to view your rough drafts. Find a human editor to review, critique, and make suggestions.

I like your writing, it's fresh. Ke up the good work, and learn.

Nice twist to the story.

Doctor loses license, Julie and doctor Husband sued for fraudulent use of George's sperm, Fertility Clinic sued for malpractice & liability for Doctors fraud. Catherine given immunity in return for testimony against Doctor & Julie. George donates money from lawsuits to charity.

Take responsibility for your son, but the way it was done was trash, the rug munchers, can all go to h*ll, along with any man that would allow the man haters to raise his seed, probably want to put panties on the little guy.

There were parts of this story that I read three times and I STILL didn't understand the relationships that were being described. I did understand that the Doctor and at least two of the women belong in jail. I think the Judge goes crazy having people arrested for perjury and fraud. The AMA would have revoked the Doctor's license. Why would he have anything to do with these liars and cheaters? These were some seriously disgusting people doing some seriously illegal things. And how did he go from being an English student to law school and then end up driving an Uber? You've got so many mistakes in this mess it's laughable.

1 star

given the cheating whore didnt have her face rubbed in the fact that the cab driver she dumped was really a millionaire?

alos why is it in loving wives given no one was married and there is no sex?

Its a sign of weakness - John Wayne

The protagonist in thong panties is Catherine Williams, not George.

I made some changes to the story, including the doctor and the clinic being charged with fraud and losing their license. Then I submitted the old file before saving the changes.

Chas

This story moved as fast as the quickie guys tend to have. too bad

. . . drove a Ford Fusion fit in at a bar where everybody else drove trucks or rode bikes?

He’s a local boy. Don’t matter what he drives.

4-stars.

There is nothing real in this story for me. Who would go near ANY of these people?

loved it till I hit the epilogue

Reasonable up to the new house the it just sucked.

This has to be one of the stupidest stories ever published on Literotica.

CRAZY

I hoped for a lot more from a LW story involving pregnancy

But I can’t say I’m disappointed

Have to give it originality and he didn’t turn the man into a wimpy bitch like BG33, MM etc so....good job

The whole premise. Julia and the doctor should be in prison. No lawyer worth a spit would have brought this case forward

After the hot mess of this story's 'update', I went back to re-read this one. This one was much easier to understand and actually made sense. Did Julie and Dr. Johnson deserve to go to prison for fraud, at the very least? Probably, but with the state of the Justice system today, it doesn't surprise me they got off scot-free; no one (with money) is ever at fault for anything.

Others found fault with George building a house for his entire extended family. I don't. At his core, George is a stand-up guy. To this point, he had been coasting in life. He had money and dreams, but dwelled in a comfort zone he had no real ambition to leave. Suddenly, he got a wake-up call in a big, big way - and stepped up. Fatherhood does that to a lot of guys; at least, the good ones. He made the best of a complicated situation - paternity, Cathy and Connie's committed relationship, Connie's child from her previous relationship and his own attraction to Norma Jean - and created an unconventional, but successful solution.

Ahem. He was finally getting his first novel published, wasn't he?

C'mon, fess up. How many of you guys haven't fantasized, from time to time, of having a harem - turkey baster not withstanding?

Why write such a terrible story? One star ⭐️.

Sorry. This is too far beyond simple fantasy. It is delusional. Ending the story with three women living with one man, having his babies, is just not believable.

No

Well, this was a fat load of nothing. The author can clearly write, wish more effort was spent creating a plot that actually went anywhere.

Good stories depend on tension and turns of events the reader may not see coming. This was an interesting premise, but it was over too quickly and easily for this reader to be much invested in the outcome. A little more complexity might have been more engaging.

Yes, I agree this would have been more successful with a greater development of the ending. I liked the story. My question is which women got pregnant which ways ;-)? I can figure the likely odds but it does make for some fun speculation.

Delusional or not we have ALL heard stranger things. Besides, few will say that they have read another tale just like it! Thank you Chas.

somewhere east of Omaha

Not saying it isn't possible, but the whole moving in together is a bit iffier.

Americans especially are more hung up about that sort of thing. Though, I can see it working.

A little "jump around" but all in all a good and well told story...

[31.03.23]

Fun story!

11/10!!!!!

Kind of stretches into incredulity towards the end no?

Started off okay,but got ridiculous at the end.Also Connie was never introduced.

Got darn right peculiar as it went on. 3 stars.