April 1, Day One

April 1, Day One

Don't prank a bull in a China shop.

I didn't get my submission in for the April Fool's contest but that's okay. This one is a bit different from my normal stuff. Maybe it was my mood that day, but I can't deal with all these prank stories where the wronged party has to just take it.

Relax; it's just a story, people.

Somehow, we got stuck hosting the first BBQ of the spring. That's me, Ronald Wilson, nickname Ham, but I'll get to that later. My wife, Hailey, was quite pleased with herself this first of April. We'd been married coming up on three years and had purchased our home just after the Christmas holidays.

Hailey and I loved our home and especially our little cul de sac in Natalbany, Louisiana. I know that's a mouthful. Funny thing, we were about eight miles on the other side of Interstate 55, from Albany, so most of the locals joked that the first people to settle there must've hated Albany for some reason but were too dumb to be able to spell 'not.'

The neighborhood consisted of several couples all around our general age, some with kids, and some without. We were one of those couples and Hailey had stopped taking her birth control back near the end of February so we could get started on a family. We were getting a lot of flak from our neighborhood friends and both sets of parents.

I was manning the grill, a brand new one that grilled and smoked with hardwood pellets. It was a combined Christmas present from Hailey and her parents. I looked around my yard taking in the sight of about fifteen or twenty neighbors enjoying themselves and having a great time as I turned and tamped the briskets. I was about to toss the alligator tail appetizers on when I realized I needed to take a piss.

As I turned in the hallway, I pulled up short. Just outside the bathroom, there was Dane Wilson locked in a romantic kiss with Hailey. His hand was up inside her blouse and I knew Hailey hadn't worn a bra for the festivities.

Why was my wife kissing my friend? That was the only question I asked myself before taking action. I was on him in a flash, grabbing the back of his head and smashing it into the wall, inches from my wife's face. Unfortunately, it was the door jamb, not the drywall, and Dane's nose exploded as he went limp. Before he even hit the floor, I'd kicked him hard in the chestnuts. After he fell to the floor, nearly unconscious, I stomped them a few times for good measure.

In all the commotion, most of our guests had filed into the house. I was being held and pulled away by at least three guys as Hailey sobbed and howled. The three or four neighborhood guys dragged me out the back onto our deck. I was worried about the appetizers.

I worried about several things just then, which I'll explain later, although, with all the money I'd spent on the brisket, I didn't want it to get overcooked. The men held me for several minutes as a great bustle ensued inside. I heard someone screaming for an ambulance and some wet towels. Hailey could still be heard screaming "Oh my God!"

I finally convinced my concerned neighbors that I was settled so they led me to the steps leading down into the backyard and told me to stay put. A few moments later I heard several sirens.

You'd think that in a small town in a place like Louisiana, you'd be able to defend your wife's virtue in your own home, but I guess that's not how it works. A cop I knew from high school, Harley, put the cuffs on me, letting me know how sorry he was.

At the local sheriff's office, I was booked and tossed in the clink, awaiting a ride over to county lock-up. My Dad wouldn't understand, so my one call went to my cousin, Jared. I told him what happened so Daddy would get me a lawyer.

Later, as I sat in county jail, I was calm enough to think.

What the hell was my wife doing kissing Dane? I had no hankering that she would do something like that. She'd always been so loving and gave me lots of attention. It had to be that prick, Dane. We'd hung out a little bit since moving into the cul de sac. Throwing darts at the local pub, and we'd gone river fishin' a few times.

What I knew of him, well, it wasn't much. We only ever talked about guy things. I knew he grew up in a suburb of New Orleans and that he'd gone to a fancy law school up north. He never finished school because his Daddy's business went belly-up. One thing you learn in our neck of the woods is to notice how a person carries themself. If there was one thing I didn't like about Dane Woodson it was that he acted one way with just me out there on the river, but in a group of people, he was a different person.

The way I figured it, he was trying to prove something to himself by trying to prove something to everyone else. I got the idea that he didn't look too kindly on himself for his misfortune in college. I mean, he still had a good job as a law clerk in the county seat. By comparison, I'd gone two years to community college and worked as a graphics designer at the local print shop.

That still didn't answer why my wife was making out with him in our hallway.

I'd thought I was defending her honor but looking back, she wasn't resisting even a little bit. That made no sense considering what their lips were doing and where his hand was. I guess I went a bit overboard.

Yeah, I had a temper. It had reared its head before. Mom and Dad were always pissed and worried about me at the same time. I played defensive tackle and middle linebacker in high school. That was freshman year. Three games into the season, I went back to the practice field after dark, hoping to find my watch. Grandmama had given it to me as a birthday present and I'd be in deep shit if I lost it.

I looked all around the bench area with my flashlight and was about to give up when I heard a muffled feminine voice, over by the bleachers. I shined my light in that direction. There were Billy Ray and Elmer, a couple of guys I'd known since grade school. Billy Ray has his hand over a girl's mouth.

I shouted "Hey, what's goin on?" as I started over in their direction.

Elmer came out from under the bleachers. "This don't concern you, Ronnie." He said it as a warning. I was close enough by then to see the girl was Marley, a girl I'd had a crush on all through junior high.

"I said, what's goin on here?" I ignored Elmer's statement.

Elmer made a mistake. Not by taking a shot but by telegraphing it. He missed terribly and I hit him in the lower ribs, doubling him over. As I kept walking towards Billy, he pulled Marley in front of him, one hand still over her mouth, and the other around her neck.

"Just keep walking, Ronnie," he warned. He didn't sound so sure of himself. By then I had a pretty good idea of what was happening.

"Let her go, Billy Ray," I ordered. "Or you're gonna get a beating."

"I can't Ronnie," he looked desperate. "I ain't goin' away for some rape charge. Come any closer and I'll kill her."

I wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed but Billy was always several brain cells behind. His sister was a year ahead of him and she always joked, "That boy's cornbread ain't done in the middle."

"So," I said calmer, "you gonna kill her, then me, then hide all the evidence?" He was thinking about it. "Cause two murders is fifty to life and attempted rape is probably about three. And Billy, I can promise you ain't gonna kill me, not even on your best day."

I think Billy was just about to let her go but he saw Elmer charging me from behind.

Elmer was a big lunk raised on a farm. He tackled me hard and I swore he broke my collarbone. Something happened to me then. In a blind rage, even well afterward, I could only remember brief snippets of the ensuing fight. Both Billy Ray and Elmer ended up in the hospital. Elmer's brain was swollen and they put him to sleep for several days. Billy had a broken wrist, three broken fingers, two broken ribs, and a busted kneecap. His face looked like the local mud track on race night.

I ended up with a broken collarbone and spent the night in the hospital. Both Billy Ray and Elmer's parents filed assault charges but it was Marley's father who came to my rescue. He had a brother in the District Attorney's office and Marley's dad talked them into dropping the charges. I didn't get to play football that year but I became suddenly popular.

My sophomore year was different. I worked hard to get into the starting lineup. I hit hard, or so I was told. Local opposing teams started calling me "The Waterboy," I guessed like the Adam Sandler movie. My fellow teammates were having none of that and I got the nickname, "Hammer," which later turned into just "Ham".

Unlike that movie, I didn't get a scholarship. We never made it to state. Our team sucked, other than the running back and me, and we went 6-5 on the season. Our town was too small for any scouts to waste their time. I never minded because I had a lot of friends and was generally known as a bull in a China shop.

Marley stayed close throughout graduation. She was headed to Texas A&M so we said our quiet goodbyes, although she stayed in touch during her freshman year. She was also the one who convinced me to go to community college. I liked that girl a lot.

My next run-in happened right after my last semester before earning my associate degree. It was a stupid bar fight and why I got involved instead of running out the door still bothers me. I had no friends in the bar, and although I knew plenty of the guys I had no skin in the game. I'd been drinking and went on a terror once I got hit across the head with a beer bottle. Luck was on my side again though, as the judge had it out for the instigators and let about fifteen of us off with a warning. The charges remained on our records.

So, here I sat waiting for the morning so I could bail out and go talk to my wife. That didn't happen, though. Daddy couldn't get me an attorney that quick or he didn't try that hard, but I ended up with a public defender. Judge Tubbs had an angry look on his face as the prosecutor read the charges and Dane's injuries. I guess I'd gone a little crazy.

"Mr. Wilson," he addressed me from the bench. "I'm not inclined to allow bail in this matter. Even though this isn't a three-strike state, you are assumed to be a flight risk."

I leaned into my attorney and told him I could barely afford gas let alone a plane ticket.

I was held over and returned to county. Three hours later, I was led to a room where my Attorney and Hailey sat. He talked about what was coming next and explained that Daddy had finally retained a lawyer for me that I'd meet with the next morning. He explained the charges again and told me not to say a word to anyone, not even my cellmate. Then he left me to face my wife alone.

"Oh, Ham," she cried when he left the room. "I'm so sorry about my part in this. I just feel awful!"

What she said didn't make any sense so I just sat there staring at her. She seemed to finally figure it out.

"It was a joke, Ham," she wailed. "A stupid April Fool's joke. Why did you have to hurt him like that?"

It's funny when you love someone so much and trust them, or maybe, just funny when I do. She suddenly seemed overly dramatic but she wasn't acting any differently than usual.

I couldn't decide if it was because I was so mad at her, or what, but it seemed like I could see right through her.

"A joke?" I answered incredulously. "Why would... why?"

"I'm so, so sorry, Ham," she at least sounded apologetic. "He said it would be funny... our joke would be a big hit with the neighbors. He told me everyone knew you were the big tough guy in high school. I was so proud of our house, of you out at the BBQ, I guess I stupidly went along. After... after what happened, I realized that it was a stupid thing to do."

"A stupid thing to do," I replied, "would be to do as you described. Except I saw you two kissing. That wasn't the first time. He had his hand on your bare breast. The April Fools angle isn't going to work, Hailey."

She studied my face for several moments, looking to find anything I might have to substantiate my claim. She didn't see something that would sink her.

"Why did you have to go all G.I. Joe?" she changed direction. "You're in such big trouble, Ham. He's gonna need surgery on his nose. He's got broken ribs from you stomping him into the floor. I heard from his brother that he's lost both testicles and might have permanent pay-ronees disease."

Two could play that game. "Been to the hospital to visit your lover, have you?" I sneered.

Hailey clearly became annoyed that I wasn't as retarded as she thought. "We're in serious trouble here," her volume going up. "I went to see if I could help you by reminding him that we both started things with that stupid plan. He doesn't care. He wants blood. He said you're going to prison and he'll be waiting for you when you get out."

Great." I sighed. "Now, I gotta worry about some nutless eunuch stalking me. Make sure he knows that my 'friends' list far outnumbers his. Whatever happens to me happens to him - three times over."

"Knock off the macho bullshit, Ham," she told me. "We made a very big mistake but you're facing jail time. I can't live like that. I've never seen you that way. I don't think I've ever seen anyone act out in such a manner. I'm afraid of you now."

"You seem to be missing the obvious, Hailey," I moved my face closer to hers. "Who says I want to live with you? I'll let you stay in the house until I get past this but then you should make plans for where you're going to live."

"It's my house, too," she was becoming more defiant. "Both our names are on the deed. You're my husband, and as such, you better get your head out of your ass or things aren't going to go well for you at all."

"Get the fuck out," I growled in a low tone. She didn't initially move so I flung my arm toward her and she jumped. Of course, my wrist was handcuffed to the chair. Hailey got up looking at me with... I can't say I've ever seen that look before. Was it desperation or... pity?

At the door, she lightly knocked and then turned back over her shoulder. "I'll be back in a few days, Ham, when you've calmed down sufficiently."

My soon-to-be ex-wife was delusional.

I was sure then that he'd sweet-talked her. That she saw it as trading up. Now she was trying to take a piece of my ass. One minute pleading and the next threatening and demanding. There was no way I was going to put up with that, even if I did jail time. Maybe I made a mistake marrying her but I'd be damned if she and the eunuch were going to get over on me.

Hours later, I secured to the same chair, meeting with Jonathan Turnis, the lawyer my cousin had secured. He was a big tall guy with a good head of hair and an imposing way about him. I liked his 'no bullshit' approach.

"Mr. Woodson's injuries are extensive," he informed me. "If convicted, you're looking at three to five. If we can prove you were defending your wife and home, well, that's as good as it gets. It will depend on the judge we draw. I believe the best strategy is to put you in full defense mode. You saw a man who was attacking your wife. That means you didn't observe it long and you just reacted."

I had to agree with him. We talked about building a case around that defense and what I could expect at trial, providing I didn't decide to plead out. Bail wasn't going to happen.

I spent some time explaining what I wanted Mr. Turnis to convey to my cousin. I planned to bank the house payments, in a separate account, but not pay the mortgage. Hailey wouldn't be able to afford to do it unless she asked her parents to help.

My hope was that I'd be out and free before the bank decided to foreclose but I wasn't going to keep paying for my wife to live there scott-free. That move would also likely prompt her to move elsewhere - maybe to her parents' or in with the eunuch.

My job was another manner. Jared had spoken to one of my best friends from work, Darin McDonald. The print shop was small and privately owned. Having an employee missing in action wasn't good for business. If they couldn't meet deadlines, they'd lose customers. Darin did what he could to smooth things over with the owners. He's been successful but only temporarily. My employment was up in the air.

Four days later, Hailey came back to see me and I refused. I have no idea if she was upset, disappointed, or relieved. Two days later, Mr. Turnis told me the details of the county's plea deal and I rejected it. We were going to trial.

The entire thing took almost forty-five days. Hailey, along with my cousin, Jared, and my parents. At first, they sat together, probably in solidarity. After the first week though, I only saw Hailey on occasion. When my parents visited the jail, they told me she was mad that I'd refused to see her.

As the prosecution was presenting its case, Mr. Turnis spoke with me during a morning break.

"I need you to speak to your wife," he started. "The jury pays attention to many things during a trial, Ronald, and when they see your own wife not supporting you, they begin to wonder. We need to put on a united front here. I know you're upset about what she did but remember, our strategy is to make Mr. Woodson the aggressor and both of you the victim."

I understood what he was saying and I'd been thinking similar thoughts. Hell, if she could put on such a performance, so could I.

Hailey seemed worried to me but maybe she was simply frazzled. I couldn't tell anymore, which was another sad revelation.

"Hey, Ham," she solemnly said. "How are you holding up?"

"All right," I told her with little emotion. "You?"

She didn't answer but seemed to look all around the room, avoiding my eyes. "We're finished, aren't we?" she finally asked.

"Not sure," I shrugged. "We have a lot to figure out before I can answer that. Maybe you can start by explaining things and stop with that crazy April Fools stuff."

"It's not like you're thinking," she responded. "It was a prank. The problem is, I can't figure out why I went along with it in the first place. I know it looks bad - how it must look - but I swear it was only that one instance. How can I make you believe me?"

I thought about it, holding off on my answer. I'd been giving it a fair amount of consideration in my cell.

"Okay, Hailey," I took a deep breath. "I'm going to talk calmly and tell you the truth. I suppose I owe you that much. What I saw didn't look like the first time. There wasn't anything awkward about it. Your eyes were closed. Your arm was around his neck and the other around his waist. I saw no hesitation as he mauled your tits. You looked like old lovers. So, did you know him from somewhere before he moved to the neighborhood or have you two become chummy during the few months since he arrived?"

Hailey tried to play it cool. She swore she'd only met him at a neighborhood outing we'd both attended a few months ago. I didn't believe her. Her posture, her eyes, nothing seemed right. The worst part was that I was seeing her for what she was. I'd had the blinders on when we fell in love and married. Now, I saw a selfish girl.

The trial carried on and Hailey was in court, probably at the urging of my attorney. The biggest issue was our neighbors all turned on me. Their testimony flew in the face of our planned defense. I guess I couldn't blame them. They didn't want to live at the end of a street with a madman.

I can't bore you with details because most days in court I wasn't paying much attention. Mr. Turnis put on a grand show, going through the timeline of events, and how I reacted in a split second. In the end, it wasn't enough. I was convicted. I'll never forget the look on my parents' face. Even Hailey cried. Three days later, I stood before the court to hear my sentence and whatever the judge had to say.