All Comments on 'Apryl Fooled'

didnt plan on 2 hours to read a story but I liked it enough to do so

When I first got into the story I wasn't sure I was liking it but decided to continue. Glad I did because it was turning out to be a good story. When April went into the last frat party I just held my breath until she came to see it wasn't what she really wanted and got the hell out of there.

I can't believe the part with Ryan doing the blindfold and bondage thing for her birthday. It just seemed to be so out of character for him. Kept expecting him to turn into another Mr. Phillips and go ape shit crazy on April. Certainly not the birthday surprise I was expecting from him. Other than that it was an interesting story.

Great to see another story from you GG! :)

Please write more

I can't believe you only have 400 followers. You are a brilliant writer. The plot was excellent: skinny girl embarrassed, matures, money happens, custom-fit loses virginity, becomes a slut, finds Ryan.

Great character development, incredible dialogue, internal and external, a horribly good rape scene, almost gang-bang, found a sole-mate, super almost-sex scene, the frat house epiphany, and sexual astonishment and satisfaction. Keep writing!

It’s a bit different from my usual fare, but I loved it. You really nailed those confused emotions and made me believe it.

Thank you for writing, and thank you for sharing your work.

Now I have to look up your previous work and see what I’ve been missing!

A good one. Even though we knew the destination it was a worthwhile journey.

Would like a sequel. Scumbag Phillips needs a comeuppance.

Great story

Great story of a young woman discovering her true worth after such a rocky start.

Normally I'd comment on the stilted grammar, racial stereotypes and poor proofreading.

Instead I'll just comment on the fact that this had to be written by a man because no woman could possibly get rape and its aftermath THAT WRONG.

I am confused!?!? I understand difficult upbringings and I understand the ability to

help improve someones situation. But where is the background relationship!? On any college campus there are plenty of sweet innocent and deserving young ladies. The key question, with no articulated history, why would you choose to romance someone that chose to become a slut for very minor excuses? The story was interesting but I am disappointed that I read 12 pages without it coming together in any remote manner. In the end, Apryl was not fooled but maybe Ryan will be the fool with several STD’s and an unwanted pregnancy!? (Truly, I do not mean to be a harsh critic. I just seem to be missing something).

Yes, some poor grammar and basic mistakes that should have been picked up as well as some holes in the storyline, eg. STDs and unprotected sex with numerous men, so I think she should have had the appropriate tests if they were getting serious.

However, the basic plot line was excellent with Apryl suddenly developing and wanting to catch up on what she'd missed out on then meeting Ryan and gradually falling in love. A quite beautiful romantic story in the end.

A nice story. Iread all of it but felt it longish up 'til the end when it couldn¨t be short enough. Since the build up of the parents meeting why did you leave us out of it???

With the build up to a life long love you should have followed the story long enough that it woul be believeable.

Michael

enjoyed that buttery metamorphosis

This is a delightful story, well written, and consumable in a single sitting. Best of luck in the competition.

Great story, as always. Good luck in the contest.

Tremedous! Absolutely a delightful read. I highly recommend anyone read and enjoy this romantic tale. It has certainly been added to my list of FAVORITE STORIES. Well done piece of writing. I hope others have enjoyed as much as I have and it does well in the April contest.

Looking forward to the next chapter in the story of April and Ryan. A sequel is certainly in order. Please!

Good story, although Apryl needs to report the phys ed instructor to school authorities, asap— if for no other reason that failing to do so puts every other female student at risk. Some may be a lot less able to handle it, and Apryl wouldn’t want the guilt that would come of another girl’s suicidal response. [I was a school chaplain— I have seen it in real life.]

Also, it would benefit GoneGray, who otherwise writes well, to go over the differences between your and you’re and peek, peak and pique. Getting them right would make the story easier to read.

Wow! That was great. At least 7, no 8 stars.

A few typos, but forgivable. I can’t remember any of them now.

I love your flow, timing, and realistic descriptions, as well as the depth of your understanding. Thanks for sharing with us mere mortals.

tc

Good writing style.

A few typos.

It was a good story but has several issues: (I wouldn't have so much to say about it below if it didn't have me thinking about it.)

Though Ryan is 21, the restaurant served a vodka tonic to an 18 year old. They should have carded both of them. I don't care if they think they are married... they can see how young she is. They will lose their liquor license at that rate.

Transforming from a wallflower into a slut is not a natural transition. It's one thing to be taught now to dress and walk; it's another to have the experience at being popular enough to act like she did in the start of the story.

A popular girl who likes bad boys will think Ryan was lame. Apryl has low self-confidence. She gets her newfound self-confidence from guys attention. So, when Ryan compliments her she would think she's not worthy of that... which means there's something wrong with him, he's lying to her, and he's manipulating her.

When she finds out he's rich there's no reaction but, in reality, that would have a huge impact.

Either way, if Apryl were actually a party slut, once the newness of Ryan wore off, she would cheat on him.

And now the biggie: A vaginal tear combined with his semen in her vagina is enough evidence to get him charged and probably convicted of rape.

The trauma from such an assault would preclude ANY romance for a VERY long time. Trust in men shattered. Judgement questioned. Etc.

And WTF is a teacher doing hanging out in a frat house and fucking students (no matter how gentle)? Is there no rules against that? For fuck's sake, at least someone tell his wife what he's up to... geez.

The blindfold thing at the end was weird and out of place with what came before.

The "I like you too much to have sex with you" is a girl thing, not a guy thing. I personally know of girls doing that. I never ever heard of a guy ever doing anything like that. One guy was being pressured by his girlfriend to have sex, but his rejection of her was not because he wanted her to love him first.

Finally, the teacher telling her he loved her was not serious. She would have known that.

Just be glad Overcritical hasn’t sunk his teeth into this one yet.

Many problems with this story, most of which are already listed by other commentators: Typos. Poor grammar. Incorrect verb tenses. Rape with pain and physical damage gets passed over, not reported and doesn’t leave some psychic damage? Why did Ryan stick around for an obvious slut, anyway? What is a heart attic anyway?

Hello GoneGray. I like the way you let the story play out from dialog and action instead of narration. And I like the concept. I’ve read a couple of your stories now, and I see some apparent commonalities that deserve comment.

Your characters fall in love kinda quickly, too quickly for me. For instance, Soola in your ghost story fell in love with a stranger with a day or two. And the same here. Setting aside the fact that it’s hard to believe real love has taken hold in such a short time, it’s also short changing your story, since most of the fun in a romance is watching the pair discover each other and grow into the realization. Apryl, at least, did some of that journey here, Ryan really didn’t. He came pre-in-love almost. You created a 21 year old college student with his own home and who is ready to love fully and say his wedding vows. Aside from being unbelievable, it makes Ryan really boring as a character. There’s no growth, conflict, or development to him. He’s one dimensional. I suggest you let your couples stumble through the maze of love like normal kids, finding each other in their bewilderment like we all do.

Next thing, and this is kinda big. You tend to write these long soliloquies of self examination for your characters, as if they have an emotional epiphany and are suddenly able to articulate it fully as if they were reading a prepared statement. In reality, people in such emotional circumstances struggle to understand what they are feeling and struggle even more to express it. Try and make your dialog express the confusion and wonder that people feel in such moments of self discovery.

And finally, think harder about how people like the characters you create actually talk and think. The thoughts and words you have coming out of them sound distinctly formal. Use more contractions especially. And please I beg you, stop joining sentences with “as”. I only ever see that in formal expository writing, never in how people talk or think. You do it an awful lot. Don’t do it at all.

Please keep writing and improving. Cheers.

Criticisms aside, I won't repeat them, I think there are some definite strengths to this story. The outpouring of emotions before sex at the hotel was magic, pure magic. Having such a believable dorm mate was a very nice touch. The heavy use of dialog made the story flow smoothly and made the characters believable.

Anonymous 12 May: It is -- or, at least, should be -- obvious to anyone with knowledge of how to pronounce the English language that "heart attic" was intended to be "heart attack". I strongly suspect that the author was using auto-correct for spelling -- my spelling checker shows "attic" as a possible substitution for "attac", an easy error to make when typing quickly. Also, you've some nerve complaining about that when you mention "psychic damage". I have no idea what that even is, much less how it would be caused by rape. Rape is likely to cause PSYCHOLOGICAL damage, but there's no way to get from that to "psychic" with a simple spelling error. Also, if you think "rape with pain and physical damage" going unreported is uncommon, think again. Many rapes go unreported, especially when alcohol is involved, when the initial stages of the encounter were consensual, when it occurs on a college campus (even more so in a frat house), or when the victim is sexually promiscuous. In this case, when all four of those factors are in play, NOT reporting the rape is far more believable than reporting it would be.

Anonymous 18 April: The criticism of the restaurant not carding both of them is completely valid. It makes for a beautiful, romantic scene, but is entirely unrealistic. Your comments about Apryl's psychology, however, are less credible. It's entirely believable for someone to be a "wallflower" in high school and become sexually promiscuous when starting college, particularly when that transition is accompanied by significant improvements in body image. (Note that body image was really the only problem she had with herself in high school; she seemed perfectly happy with the rest of herself.) Apryl specifically said that she didn't want her 'post-transformation' self to be like the popular (read: mean) girls she knew in high school, and her success at that is something Ryan noticed and liked about her. I don't get the sense that she "likes bad boys"; she wasn't trying to date any of the guys she fucked at the parties; just getting high off their lust. Her self-confidence isn't low, nor does she derive it from the attention of her sexual partners. Consider her relationship with her roommate and her attention to her academic performance -- both point to a person who is for the most part secure in herself and her self-worth. She does lack confidence in some areas, and she does initially have difficulty accepting Ryan's compliments which focus on those areas, but her overall sense of self-worth isn't entirely reliant on those areas, so she is able to get past that. Your statement about how Apryl might behave "if [she] were actually a party slut" provides a good opportunity to round up this discussion: you appear to be assuming that she is "a party slut" (a term I find distasteful and demeaning, but I won't go into that here), and my perception of her psychology precludes that assertion. I agree that she under-reacts to his financial situation, but remember that her mother recently inherited a fairly sizeable sum of money -- enough to pay for cosmetic surgery, custom-tailored clothing, and sending her to college. He is better off than she is, but the disparity isn't as great as you make it seem. Psychological trauma from rape is real, but that doesn't necessarily preclude romance. Strong relationships can be formed before a woman who has been raped has recovered from the trauma, even relationships strong enough to withstand dealing with that trauma. The "healing power of love" is frequently overstated in fiction, but it is real. You are also correct that it can take a long time to heal from such trauma, but it doesn't always take five or ten years -- some people are able to heal from trauma more quickly than others. The timeline here was clearly compressed for narrative purposes, but that doesn't necessarily reduce the verisimilitude of the overall plot line. Are there are rules against what the teacher did? Of course there are -- he just doesn't care. Regrettably, there are people like that out there. You're absolutely correct about the light bondage coming out of nowhere, and while I could easily see them experimenting with that later in their relationship, it wasn't necessary here. Finally, to say that Ryan's attitude about when to have sex is "a girl thing, not a guy thing" is blatantly and egregiously sexist. Just because you don't know (or even know of) any men with that attitude doesn't mean they don't exist. I am a heterosexual male, and I can definitely see myself taking that approach if I found myself in Ryan's shoes. Ryan's logic is sound: he doesn't want Apryl to be able to dismiss him as "just another fuck", so he says no until he's sure they've developed enough of an emotional connection that it means something more. Also, note that he doesn't completely avoid sexual activity with her, and he makes good use of the physical intimacy of (non-euphemistically) sleeping together. His attitude isn't unnatural; it's strategic and smart.

NOTE: It's getting late, and I didn't read this over as carefully as I normally do. Please forgive any errors.

I would love to read an epilogue!!!

Thank you for sharing your talents with us. ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ An interesting exploration of the maturing of an immature young lady in college as she learns the downside of partying. I agree with Ginger630 that I’d like to read more about Apryl and Ryan, but not necessarily as an epilogue. What if it’s told from Strega’s POV? Why did her parents name her ‘witch’? Is she completely happy now that she’s a party girl? Does Apryl now regret encouraging Strega to dress and act more sexy? Will Apryl try to warn Strega about the dangers of partying? Will Strega find her true love, too or will she stay with the shallow horndogs and pigs?

The double standard designating sexually active men as virile / sexually active women as sluts is disgusting but all too true in our male dominated society, especially now that we are no longer allowed control over our own bodies! Being forced to bear children against our will is cruel, particularly in cases of rape or incest. Apryl’s self awareness of her addiction to the admiration of men is remarkable in one so young. The French have a saying, ‘The desire of the Man is for the Woman while the desire of the Woman is for the desire of the Man.’

Another minor typo that changes the meaning of the sentence just before the end, you probably meant Apryl to say, “I CAN’T think of anything in my life that shouldn’t have you in it.” Thanks again!

So much all is well concept but the start of the story was amazing