As Big as the Moon

I rushed inside to see a number of people milling around waiting, some in the ticket line, several people at the payphones, and a few at the snack stand. As I searched, including calling into the restroom again (but this time with no reply), the minutes passed and more people started trickling through, carrying bags, pulling wheeled suitcases, trying to get where they were going or maybe just to escape the crowd, but Jaimie was still nowhere to be seen. I rubbed my hands together, not because I was particularly cold but because I was so nervous.

At the bank of payphones, I found one that had a Bowling Green directory and checked it, but Jaimie Clarke wasn't listed. To make matters worse, I didn't know her mother's first name at all and had no idea what her mother's last name was since she'd remarried.

Getting more change from the vendor at the snack stand and using the white pages, I called the nursing department at WKU next. Speaking with the receptionist who answered the call, I did my best to explain the situation but she told me that the school couldn't give out information on students.

"But ma'am, I'm in love with her."

"Well, congratulations, sir, but I'm sorry we can't help you contact her. Goodbye."

It was late enough that I doubted she'd be going to class that afternoon, but it might be possible to find her the next day so I called my boss in Dothan and asked if I could take an extra day.

"Keith, we worked it out so you could have today and tomorrow on relatively short notice, but we can't afford another day right now. I'm sorry but I need you back here bright and early on Wednesday and ready to go."

"Yes, sir. I understand. I'll...I'll see you on Wednesday morning."

I slumped into a seat and thought for a while, my mind a blur of confusion. I knew I liked Jaimie a lot, but after what she'd said early in the day, I wasn't sure if she liked me as much as my mom thought or as much as I hoped.

Not sure what to do, I went to campus, got a map, and found what appeared to be the nursing program's main building. I took a seat and watched for a while in the cold as I wondered what to do. Jaimie never appeared but I figured she might show up on Tuesday morning, assuming of course, that she had classes in the building. A little after 4, I made a decision.

***

After a stop at another Walmart for a few essentials, I found a motel. It was cheap and quiet enough that I could sleep, but wouldn't be winning any prizes for comfort.

After dinner, I called my parents to let them know where I was and to apologize for lying to them. They understood better than I expected and gave me their forgiveness and, most of all, their love. With my mistake corrected and feeling lucky to have such caring parents, I went to bed early so I could be up bright and early on Tuesday morning.

At just after 7 a.m., I was "staked out" in front of the nursing building I'd found the afternoon before. I watched the comings and goings all morning but, once again, Jaimie never appeared and by noon I realized my quest to find her was a failure. I'd briefly considered asking some of the nursing students going in and out of the building if they knew her, but that didn't seem appropriate and could potentially end in a visit from the campus police.

While I suspected it might not be in this building anyway, Jaimie had told me that her clinical session was canceled on Tuesday afternoon, so I knew she wouldn't show up then. Therefore, a little after noon, I finally gave up and headed back to my car for the sad trip back to Farmington and the much longer, much sadder trip home.

***

Sunday, May 16, 2004

We'd already been in the delivery suite in the hospital in Nashville for two hours when the evening shift change occurred. A new nurse walked in and asked Lizzie a question.

I froze, recognizing the voice even before I turned to see her.

Jaimie was a bit older, 26 if I remembered correctly, wearing the subdued makeup common to nurses in uniform, but looking calm and experienced. Her sandy blonde hair was longer, straighter, and a little lighter than I remembered; pulled back in a ponytail, it was almost half way down her back. With her attention focused on Lizzie, she didn't notice me but Lizzie, with her labor intensifying, seemed to be having trouble concentrating.

"Lizzie, Jaimie asked you if you need anything."

Jaimie's head swiveled toward me, her mouth dropping open, whether on my slip up of using her name or her recognizing my voice as I'd recognized hers.

"Keith!" she exclaimed in a whisper, completely missing Lizzie's response.

"Hi, Jaimie," I forced out. "Can you get Lizzie some water or ice chips or whatever you allow in here?"

She nodded, her eyes still wide, before shooting out of the room like a rocket. Another nurse entered the birthing suite minutes later and handed a cup to Lizzie. As the nurse stepped away, I followed and asked quietly, "What happened to Jaimie?"

"Ahem, she claimed a conflict of interest, which makes it against hospital policy for her to continue being your nurse."

I nodded, having been suspicious that might be the case, but Lizzie called out, "Keith!" just then. I returned and she gripped my hand and squeezed as the new contraction continued.

The nurse smiled and said, "You're doing great, Lizzie. I'm going to go check on something and we'll see about getting you guys a new baby in just a little while."

Lizzie squeezed my hand again and I realized, despite what the nurse had said, it was going to be a very long, very hard night.

***

It was all over by 3 a.m. With Lizzie finally resting and little Sean being taken to the nursery, I stepped out of the room to find a drink machine and the nurse's station.

While I'd ordinarily get something trending to the healthy side, I needed caffeine so I got a Coke and took a swig. It was probably more of a sugar rush than the caffeine but I felt something so I made my way to the station and spotted Jaimie as I approached.

"Hi, Jaimie, you're working the night shift. How are you?"

"Keith," she said, looking completely flustered when she looked up at me. "What are you doing here?"

"Hoping to catch up with a friend I haven't seen in a long time."

"Well, it's nice to see you. How's your mother?"

I sighed. "She started seeing a cancer specialist here in Nashville right about the time we met. With some aggressive treatment, she went into remission for over two years, but it was only partial. They couldn't get rid of it completely and she passed away a year ago this past March, just a few weeks after Sandy and Todd gave her a grandson."

"Oh, I'm sorry," she said. "I liked her a lot, so I'm glad she got to see her grandbaby, even if it was just for a little while."

"Thanks, Jaimie, it made her very happy and I suspect it eased her passing. She was in so much pain toward the end that I think we were all good with it, except possibly for Cory and even he understood. Her cancer had been so aggressive at the start that it was a surprise, but the treatment gave her, Dad, and the rest of us time to come to terms with it before she passed."

"How's your dad been doing?"

"When she knew her time was short, Mom gave Dad his marching orders, that he wasn't to stay sad and lonely forever. He met a lady, a widow, a while back and he called her a few weeks ago. They seem to have hit it off since then, though it's still way too early to be sure. Cory and her kids, who are a little younger than him, get along well, too, and are cheering for them, so I wouldn't be too surprised to hear wedding bells one of these days."

"That's good. I hope it works out for the best for all of them."

"Thanks. And what about you? Have you been working here very long? And are you living in Nashville now?"

"I, ah, took a job down here nearly two years ago after working at the hospital in Bowling Green for a while after graduation. It's too far for me to drive every day so, yeah, I'm here, but I go home to see my mother and Gary every few weeks."

Catching my look of surprise after what I recalled her telling me about her stepdad those years before, she added, "Yeah, to my surprise, she and Gary are still together; he turned out to be quite good for her--she's been sober for years--and has even introduced me to people as their daughter."

"Really? I thought you two didn't get along?"

"Keith, I used to really hate him for sweeping in and stealing my mom away from me. I thought some pretty bad things about him but never proved any of them, and he's always been nice to me--and completely appropriate--even when I was angry and treating him like shit. When I finally apologized, he told me he understood and that he'd always tried to treat it like water off a duck's back in order to keep from making things worse between us. He's given me some good advice over the years since then and helped me at times, probably more than my real dad ever did." She chuckled and added, "I must admit, that's one thing in my life I'm really glad I was wrong about."

"Well, I'm glad for her and for you," I replied with a smile.

"What about you?" she asked. "Are you here in town now or just passing through?"

"My firm was acquired in a merger about a year before Mom passed away. They made some changes and I didn't really like some of them, including my new manager, so I started looking. It took a while but I found a job that looked like a great fit here in Nashville so I applied and was eventually given an offer. I've been here for about eight months and really like the position and the people, both there and those I've run into around town. That I have family here and nearby helps, too."

Jaimie saw my smile as I said that last part and nodded rather curtly at me before looking down at the computer in front of her. "Well, welcome to Nashville. I hope you, your wife, and your new baby like it here."

"Ah, wife?" I asked, completely confused and my face showing it.

She was frowning as she looked back up at me. "Yes, Keith. Just in case you were considering suggesting something, I don't date other women's husbands."

I nodded slowly and then smiled again. "Jaimie, if I thought you dated other women's husbands, I'd walk away right now and leave you to it. However, to set the record straight, Lizzie's husband, Sean--well, Sean Senior, now--is currently doing his second tour in Iraq. Oh, and since we live just a few miles apart, I'm my sister's birthing coach."

Jaimie's eyes widened. "Your...sister?"

I was nodding then, like a drunken sailor, when it hit her, that realization similar to Han Solo when Leia gave him the news that Luke was her brother rather than his rival for her heart.

However, it was then that I realized that Elizabeth hadn't come home from UT that weekend when Jaimie visited during that Valentine's Day weekend, those two and a half days we were together five years before and that Jaimie and Lizzie had never met. In addition, Sean called her Lizzie and she'd adopted the short form, even with her friends. Jaimie wouldn't have had any way of knowing that Lizzie and I weren't married, unless, possibly, she'd focused on the name on the chart before she withdrew as Lizzie's nurse.

"Sister?" she questioned and then repeated in the affirmative. "Seeing you in there with her, it was like getting hit by a bus and I just assumed..."

I tried to keep from smiling too much at her obvious consternation, but a spark of hope seemed to light her face as she asked, "Keith, are you married?"

"No," I breathed, "and not seeing anyone either. And you?"

"I was seeing someone seriously, engaged even, but I broke that off a few months ago."

"Why'd you end it?"

"Why settle? That's what I felt like I was doing. Until I decided not to."

I felt a bit of sympathy for her, but I must admit my heart was practically singing part of the Hallelujah Chorus from Handel's Messiah on learning that she might possibly be available. "I'm sorry, but that's probably a good thing if he didn't make you happy enough."

I hesitated for a moment when she nodded in agreement, but the urge overcame me and I added, "Jaimie, I know it was a long time ago now, but do you think we could get together sometime? For coffee or maybe dinner...or whatever you want? I know it would be like starting from scratch but--"

***

In hindsight, I'd blindsided her with my presence and then ambushed her with my proposal, so her "I need time to think" made perfect sense. However, at the time, it felt like I was being crushed, having a new chance to spend time with the only woman I'd ever truly loved and then seeing that chance postponed and disappear.

I saw Jaimie at the hospital from a distance on Monday evening while visiting Lizzie and little Sean. She told me hello, but couldn't talk, so I left her alone and the doctor sent Lizzie and her baby home on Tuesday morning.

To my surprise, Jaimie, who worked Sunday through Tuesday nights, called me on Wednesday evening.

"Keith, please. I've been as nervous as could be ever since we met again the other night, particularly after you asked me to go out with you. It's all I can think about when I'm not working, and I believe I've spent far too much time thinking about it there, too."

"I'm sorry, Jaimie. I didn't mean to cause you trouble."

"I know that, and you really didn't. You see, I've wondered for a long time about whether I made a mistake when we spent those two and a half days together over that Valentine's Day weekend. Things were so good between us and I liked you so much, more than anyone I'd ever dated, but...well, I was going through a lot at the time. I didn't have faith in us, in you or in me, that things would--or even could--work between us under the circumstances. Maybe it would have, or maybe not, we'll never know. What I do know is that, now, if you're really willing and want to try, I'm willing to try now, too."

Shock and happiness battled in my mind, and my response wasn't exactly eloquent as I struggled to believe that she meant what she said. In fact, most of my comments were barely verbal at all, leading Jaimie to laugh and tell me she looked forward to seeing me and giving it a new try.

By Thursday evening, her answer was finally registering as real in my brain. When I called her, we talked seemingly for hours, catching up on the missing years but also filling in many blanks about our past, our hopes, and our dreams, that we'd either forgotten or possibly never touched on over our Valentine's weekend those years before. However, the most important part of the evening came near the end when Jaimie said, "Keith, I want us to take this chance, but please, we need to take this slow and easy. I want to get to know you this time, the real you, and I don't want to end up letting unrestrained passion cause us to believe there's more between us than there really is. That's the ground rule if we're going to do this, okay?"

Wanting the chance, any chance with her, I agreed.

***

We met at a restaurant in Green Hills and shared a quick hug before being escorted to our table. Seated across from each other in a quiet booth, we talked and told more about our lives since we met over five years earlier. We were both very tentative, with each of us being restrained, careful not to push the limits too far though it was soon obvious to me that I wanted to.

Jaimie, on the other hand, had a poker face, listening intently when I spoke and volunteering information but not too much feeling during her turns. I showed interest, of course, but tried to mask my excitement, to match her restraint because I didn't want to scare her away. Based on our phone conversation, I knew she remembered the mad rush of us falling for each other so quickly over Valentine's weekend a few years before and the issues that kept us apart then. Wanting to be truthful so it wouldn't come back to bite us later if someone in my family were to let it slip, I gave her a very brief, somewhat-downplayed version of my unsuccessful attempt to follow her to Bowling Green.

"You didn't!"

"Oh, yeah. I thought if you knew how I really felt, you might reconsider," I admitted, "but I couldn't even track you down, much less do anything more."

"That's sweet, Keith, but it's probably a good thing you didn't find me then. I'd have given in, my screwed-up life would have sabotaged us, and we wouldn't be getting this second chance now. But I am glad you tried then, and that we're getting to see where this goes now."

She held my hand across the table and pulled it up to brush it with her lips.

I was thrilled at her touch, but my stomach was in a knot, glad that a second chance was potentially in the pot as the prize that I desperately wanted to win, but her doubt and uncertainty bothered me so I steeled myself, determined to be careful, to not push too hard, and to think about the long haul. Instead of two-and-a-half days like last time, I hoped we might go for a lifetime.

With our meal over and our check paid, I walked her to her car, with each step bringing us closer to the point where she might make my night, my month even...or break it. I hoped that I hadn't said too much or pushed too hard and that she would agree to see me again. Fortunately, our hands brushed as we walked and a moment later we hooked pinkies, continuing that way until we reached our destination, giving me hope.

At her car, I asked, hoping I didn't sound too nervous, "Jaimie, may I call you again?"

She looked equally on edge, but as I asked my question, a hint of a smile formed at the corners of her mouth. "Keith, I'll be...disappointed if you don't."

Weight lifted from my shoulders and my heart no longer felt as if it was in a vise. "I'd never want that. I'll talk to you soon."

The last of her nervousness was swept away as well. "You'd better," she said with a full, teasing grin.

I smiled and nodded agreement before leaning in for a very short, very sweet kiss. It was a matter of seconds, perhaps just a breath, but my world felt like it was coming up roses to match the faint smell of her hair. I was happy, content, knowing that I'd been granted another chance.

Unable to contain that look of contentment on my face, I said, practically beaming, "Goodnight, Jaimie. I look forward to talking with you and seeing you again."

Having separated, Jaimie's look was somewhat akin to my own, but perhaps with a touch of confusion or maybe questioning. She was looking into my eyes as I opened her car door for her and took a reluctant step back to let her in. Her gaze turned away from me and into her car; she started to move toward it, but then turned back toward me and practically threw herself against me, her arms encircling me, and her lips pressing up against mine.

There were no roses this time, no flower petals nor frisky lambs, no frolicking puppies nor anything soft. No, the restrained heat I'd been trying to hide all evening--and, I suddenly realized, that she'd been feeling as well--exploded and I clutched her against me, knowing that I wanted her then, there, and always as her cheek against mine sent a delightful shiver through me. The feel of her body, encased in the light sundress on a warm, late spring night caused me to surge in an instant. I knew she could feel my desire, just as I could feel her every curve in that dress, and neither of us cared as that initial shiver became practically a full-blown tsunami. When our tongues met, there was a moan of mutual hunger between us that would have announced much more to come if we hadn't been standing in the parking lot of a popular, and very busy, restaurant.

The sound of people approaching brought us back down to Earth and back to our senses, just in time. We separated with great reluctance, but the look we shared between us showed that we'd both felt it before sanity, that great dampener of emotion, had kicked back into play. Barely containing our grins and our mutual lust, we said goodnight once more without giving the other parking patrons any more of a show.