Ascension

Crux Sacra Sit Mihi Lux

Early spring 1972...

Monday, the beginning of another week at St. Catherine Central High School, sent Ruth Cahill's mind wandering while she stared at the open window during History class. Winter, heavy with snow and cold, dragged her down. But winter moved on and spring has moved in. Easter Sunday ushered in bright blue skies and a symphony of birdsong after mass. Today the budding trees nodded in the light breeze, drawing Ruth's attention away from the unanswered question on the essay test in front of her.

The girl's fingers briefly touched the top button on her uniform blouse before picking her pen back up.

Identify three social causes of the French Revolution.

Ruth bit her lip and exhaled loud enough to draw attention from the front of the classroom. "Ruth, eyes on your own paper. Stay on task."

"Yes, Sister."

Several agonizing minutes later, and Ruth was able to eke out enough words to fill a page and a half. She knew it wouldn't be enough. Her teacher, Sister Ambrose, had high standards. Ruth figured she'd be lucky to get by with a C, but she just couldn't think of anything else to write. She was too excited, maybe. Excited by the change in weather and looking forward to Friday.

Ruth looked up at the wall clock and brought her test paper up front. "Um, Sister, there's something I need to tell you--"

"After the bell rings, Ruth, you may." The dour looking nun stared over the tops of her glasses at the girl. She stood up and clapped once, loudly, to get everyone's attention. "There's a minute or so left, ladies. Anyone who hasn't already done so, please pass your test up front." A chorus of weak groans rippled through the rows of senior girls. Some hurried to finish their last sentence or paragraph while others gathered their things to stand by the door.

After an agonizing minute and a half, the bell rang. The nun stood sentinel, collecting test papers at her desk while Ruth waited. When they were finally alone, Sr. Ambrose sat back down. She shuffled the papers and put them in a file folder before putting them in her bag to grade later. "I presume you have something important to tell me."

"Mom and dad are going to Chicago Friday." Ruth said. "They won't be back home till Monday afternoon. I don't mind staying home alone, but--"

"They called Sr. Clement yesterday and she said it would be nice to have you stay with me this weekend. The others are attending a retreat, but I'll be staying here."

"Really?" Ruth gushed. "That's great!"

The nun stared gravely over the tops of her glasses again. "I'll thank you in advance to keep this just between the two of us." She said.

"I won't say anything at all--promise!" Ruth softly replied. She was a little cowed by the nun's admonition.

Sr. Jean Ambrose had a presence about her. She taught World History and PE at the small school of 280 girls. The slim 42 year old Dominican nun had a reputation as a fearsome and demanding taskmaster. She had a steel trap memory in the classroom and a way of regurgitating historical facts as if she were telling a riveting story around a campfire. Ruth never needed to take notes because Sr. Ambrose told such gripping tales, but she did it anyway.

Gym class at St. Catherine was run with militaristic routine. And although Ruth loved History class, there were times when she couldn't deny looking forward to gym a little more. It was really the only time Ruth saw her teacher wear regular clothes. During gym, the nun wore short sleeved shirts and track pants. For one blissful period of the day, her coif and veil were noticeably missing, revealing a nimbus of short, blunt and extremely light blond hair. Ruth's eyes fixated on the woman's graceful, almost swanlike neck. The cords stood visibly out whenever she blew her whistle or barked out a command. Her voice was powerful, deep, and curt.

Sr. Ambrose fascinated Ruth. She wasn't like the other nuns. Ruth sensed almost right away that Sr. Ambrose wasn't even like other women in general. She was odd and uniquely mysterious. The middle aged woman stood at average height, about 5'6", 5'7". Her build could best be described as lithe, yet solid like a competitive runner. Piercing light blue eyes shot existential daggers from behind the oval frames of her glasses. Her features were a little rugged and somewhat masculine--butch was what she'd heard the father of one of her classmates said. Later when Ruth looked the word up in the dictionary, she thought the description fit her teacher well.

Heads turned when the veteran teacher entered a room, and Ruth remembered the overwhelming feeling of awe that came over her when she saw her during the first week of her freshman year.

Ruth was now 18 and graduation was a little more than a month away. The thought of this made her sad and anxious. During her four years at St. Catherine's, Sr. Ambrose slowly formed a rapport with Ruth. Though she had a few friends at school, Ruth wasn't close with any of them. She'd always been a somewhat shy and introverted type, so she kept mostly to herself. But when Sr. Ambrose was around, Ruth felt herself opening up. It was strange how natural it seemed and how well they got along with each other.

Ruth remembered picture day last year, what a disaster that was! Her mother bought some hideous dress she'd ordered from the JC Penney catalog. After going downtown to pick it up at the store, her mom took her to Lil and Jill's Beauty Spot where she'd lost a couple inches of her stunning light strawberry locks. It'd taken over a year to grow it past her shoulders. Ruth was immensely proud of her hair even if she tried never to show it. When she stood and looked at the mirror, the reflection staring back had finally grown from an awkward and reticent child to a fresh-faced and lovely young woman. Her mom ruined that as far as she was concerned.

At lunch, Ruth didn't feel much like talking to anyone so she sat alone. She finished picking at the contents of her tray and was about to get up to dump the leftovers in the trash when Sr. Ambrose appeared. "Hey there, kid, why so glum?" She asked.

"I'm not." Ruth lied. "Just don't feel like talking to anyone right now."

"That's a lovely dress." The nun observed.

"It's ugly." Ruth grumbled. "Mom kinda picked it out without asking."

Sr. Ambrose seemed to ignore the retort. "Must be nice to come to school wearing something besides that old uniform for a change, huh? We teachers aren't so lucky."

Ruth shot the nun a look. "But you and Sr. Hoban change every day for gym class." The girl's face flushed with heat and she looked down at her tray. "Sorry, Sister." She muttered. "But it's true." She hoped her teacher wasn't angry. She probably meant well and Ruth didn't want to disrespect her elder.

But Sr. Ambrose wasn't angry. Seemingly caught off-guard by the teen's snarky remark, she laughed. "Ah, you're right, kiddo, you got me there!" She leaned forward and lowered her voice in a conspiratorial whisper. "Don't tell the others though. They might get jealous and tell Father Muldoon!" Ruth's mouth twitched a little. The corners started turning up, but she didn't laugh. It was a stupid attempt at a joke. "I wondered if you wouldn't mind doing me a favor, Ruth."

The girl favored the nun with a quizzical look. "Sr. Hoban and I were busy cleaning out one of the supply rooms in the gym and I'm a little behind on my grading in History. The end of chapter tests from last week...Lainey's been absent now for a few days and I'd be grateful for a little help."

Lainey Walsh, who sat a few seats behind Ruth, was kind of a teacher's pet. She usually helped Sr. Ambrose, collecting assignments and passing them back. Sometimes she'd sit around during lunch or after school helping to grade papers and whatever else Sister wanted done. But Lainey was out sick with the flu. "Okay, after school today?"

"Great! The pay's nothing to scoff at, nothing at all!"

"Ha! Ha!" Ruth retorted.

"Well, I've got to be running along," Sr. Ambrose said. "We'll talk more during gym." She got up and started to leave. "Thanks a lot, kid. You're a lifesaver!"

From that day going forward, Ruth and Sr. Ambrose became fast friends. Always the stern and steely disciplinarian during class, Ruth found that her teacher had a lighter side. Sr. Ambrose majored in Medieval Studies and US History at Barat College in nearby Lake Forest. She attended Seminary in Mundelein after taking her final vows. She loved reading and even played tennis and a little golf with Sr. Hoban and Sr. Clement when the weather was nice and time allowed. Best of all, she was a great listener, for one thing. Mr. and Mrs. Cahill were longtime devoted parishioners, but too often they both seemed distracted and unengaged with their teenaged daughter.

Ruth knew they didn't mean to be. The Cahills loved their daughter, but since she started high school, it seemed like they were always busy. Ruth's dad worked as branch manager of Camlin Crest Bank downtown. Her mother was a teller at the same branch. They reasoned that their daughter would soon be off to college and the extra money couldn't hurt. Besides, Mr. and Mrs. Cahill thought the world of Sr. Ambrose and the other nuns. As far as they were concerned, Ruth was moving up in the world. Who knows, she might even become a nun herself.

Sr. Clement, principal of St. Catherine High, noticed their budding friendship and seemed to not only approve, but actually encouraged it. "Thick as thieves, the both of you!" She quipped one time when Ruth was on her way to gym class.

Nobody challenged Sr. Ambrose; not even Sr. Clement or Ruth's parents. As far as Ruth was concerned, Sr. Ambrose owned her. She never felt pressured though. Instead, she felt empowered and light. She felt the burdens of awkward teenage apprehension and loneliness fall away while her spirit rose, higher and higher. The impressionable teen was, in other words, completely smitten.

Throughout senior year, Ruth's budding rapport with Sr. Ambrose grew beyond the usual constraints of student and teacher. It morphed into a friendship that grew in intensity and intimacy as the school year progressed. And even though the Cahills and even Sr. Clement approved, they knew they had to be careful.

The beautiful teen fondly recalled the mix of titillation and fear that surged through her when she and Sr. Ambrose shared their first kiss. It was after school in the locker room. Ruth's gym class was the last period. Most of her classmates had finished changing and were gone when Sr. Ambrose asked if she wouldn't mind going back to the gym to help put the volleyballs away and move the nets. Of course Ruth was happy to help.

When they'd finished, Ruth went back to finish changing and Sr. Ambrose followed. "Thanks for the help, Ruthie. Don't know where I'd be without you."

"Probably better off." The girl quipped.

"Oh stop!" Sr. Ambrose huffed. "Ah..." She stopped, as if wondering what to say next. "Something wrong, kid? You seemed to be giving me a look back there."

"Oh no, nothing's wrong--" Ruth exhaled abruptly. "It's just...you look kinda nice today." Sr. Ambrose started to laugh. "No, really."

"This old thing?" The older woman teased. Her smile vanished when she saw that Ruth was serious. "Really? I'm not much of a looker, but I try to take care of myself." Ruth replied with a somber nod.

It was true. No one would--or could--accuse Sr. Ambrose of being the picture of feminine beauty and grace. The middle aged nun was almost the complete opposite, unless that grace extended to knowledge of historical facts or skills in recreational sports. When gym class rolled around, she and Sr. Hoban eschewed the traditional Dominican habit. On this day, she wore a green and white short sleeved shirt with matching long pants and white sneakers. Her short blunt locks resembled a blinding light halo. Her glasses always made the teacher look stern and aloof. Ruth, for some strange reason, always found that attractive.

Sr. Ambrose seemed a little taken aback by the girl's response. "It's getting late. I'm sure you want to head home for supper." She said softly. "Thanks again, Ruthie." She put her arms out, expecting a hug, and Ruth obliged without hesitation. The first kiss came seconds after, and it seemed to startle them both. "Sister? Should we--"

Ruth was cut off without warning when she felt the middle aged woman's mouth press against hers. This time the kiss was deep. The beautiful teen, confused by what was happening, gasped. Her teacher's lips, hot and slightly dry, pressed aggressively against hers. That was when she felt the moist flick of a tongue against her lips, searching for an opening. Ruth obliged. It seemed so indecent, and definitely not something she'd ever imagined a woman Sr. Ambrose's age would do at all!

Ruth's knees turned to jelly and she felt herself sinking in the nun's embrace. Sister's arms, so slim and solid, encircled the diminutive teen as they kissed. But, for some strange reason, Ruth panicked, fearing someone might walk in and see them. She tried to push away, but she'd underestimated the nun's strength in spite of her lean build. "Relax, Ruth...God is speaking..." Her whisper faded as their mouths met again.

Tentatively, Ruth put her arms around Sr. Ambrose. The nun's body felt strange yet familiar; small and powerful at the same time. She touched Sister's short hair, grazing her earlobe with her fingertips. Her hair felt surprisingly thick and soft.

"Ahh!" Ruth audibly gasped when she felt Sr. Ambrose kissing her way to the girl's neck. She heard her teacher whispering something between kisses, but she couldn't make out what it was. "Sister--"

"Try to relax." Ruth's breath caught in her throat and she held it there for a second. She was sure she could feel something against her breasts. A brief glance confirmed the girl's suspicions. Sr. Ambrose cupped the throbbing flesh beneath the gym suit. The space in Ruth's head went fractal. Her head felt light and she closed her eyes, concentrating on the sensation of those tender caresses. She gasped again and her legs buckled. She felt like she was about to black out.

"Steady on your feet, kid." The nun's gruff voice prickled the skin around Ruth's ear.

That was when Ruth realized that, deep down, she wanted this feeling. It was crazy and exhilarating all at the same time. She craved this beautiful exchange between them forever it seemed. And now that it was out in the open between them, she wanted to chase it and see where it would go. With the next kiss, their tongues reunited, capering, while Ruth felt herself becoming lighter and lighter. She ascended as an all-consuming thrill surged upward. It emanated between her legs while her back arched. She moaned into her teacher's mouth while God's grace (it had to be!) coursed through her.

"What--what just happened?" Ruth wondered when Sr. Ambrose slowly pulled away, releasing her. Was this just a weird dream? Was it just a hallucination? Ruth drew a ragged breath, feeling the unbearable heat blasting her face, turning her cheeks bright pink. Her hand slowly went to her mouth, touching briefly, while her eyes darted around the empty locker room. Then their eyes met. "Isn't this supposed to be a sin?" She whispered aloud with mounting shame and confusion.

"Love is not a sin. It can't be..." Sr. Ambrose sounded a little confused and she looked more than a little flustered. The sound of a door opening left Ruth no time to reply.

"Sr. Jean?" It was Sr. Hoban looking for her colleague.

As if nothing happened, Sr. Ambrose adjusted her glasses and turned to leave. "I'll just be a second or two!" She called, before addressing Ruth a final time. "I think you should head home now and get some rest. Hurry and get changed now, okay? I'll see you in class tomorrow." She tapped the bewildered teen's shoulder and gestured at her open locker. A second later, and Ruth was alone.

*****

After that odd and exhilarating encounter, it was a little rough going to school without feeling really strange about Sr. Ambrose. Ruth sat there during History class one day after just completing a quiz. She meant to look out the window, but she saw Sr. Ambrose stop at Katrina Farrell's desk to answer a question and their eyes met. Ruth felt like she'd missed a step in the stairwell and her stomach turned upside down. When she was finished with Katrina, Sr. Ambrose approached Ruth. She seemed a little distracted and lost. "Ruth, I need you to stay after class when the bell rings." Her voice was hushed though insistent. "We need to have a serious talk."

When the bell finally rang and everyone left the room, Sr. Ambrose closed the door and told Ruth to have a seat. "What I want to discuss with you is...very serious. It must never leave this room. Do you understand me?"

Ruth nodded. Right when she did, a loud noise startled them both. It sounded like something hit the classroom door. Sr. Ambrose wasn't afraid of anything, but that noise visibly shook the middle aged nun. She went to the door and opened it to see what was going on in the hallway. Turned out to be some sophomore girl tried tossing one of her textbooks to her friend across the hall, and she missed her target. Missed it by a country mile, if her frantic babbling over the din of passing period was anything to go by. The girl apologized profusely and, Sr. Ambrose was satisfied that there'd be no more interruptions, came back in and closed the door. She perched on the edge of her desk and took her glasses and started cleaning them with a tissue. With her glasses off, she almost looked like she was fighting back tears.

An ominous feeling germinated in the pit of Ruth Cahill's stomach now.

"Ruth, I have to...apologize for what happened yesterday. I am your teacher and I...really overstepped my boundaries."

Ruth was quiet. She shuddered and started feeling queasy. Sr. Ambrose recounted some of their past interactions like picture day when they talked during lunch. She softly confessed that she saw Ruth crying earlier and wondered why such a pretty girl would be so upset. "Pretty, you're not just pretty, you're...beautiful." Sr. Ambrose said. "But I..." Her voice trailed off. She was trying to look past the girl sitting there while she put her glasses back on. Her hand was visibly shaking.

Sr. Ambrose continued talking, almost rambling. She explained that she experienced a brief moment of weakness in the locker room, and she wrongly gave into her desires. "Our time on earth is rife with struggles. I struggle with...loneliness. And God's grace and love should be all I ever need, but..." Her voice trailed off again. Her cold blue eyes visibly glazed.

A few awkward seconds passed and she regained her composure. She talked about struggling to maintain a celibate and spiritual life devoted to God and helping her students. Ruth figured Sr. Ambrose helped her a lot already. Couldn't she see that? What they did yesterday was a little scary at first. But only because it caught Ruth off guard. She wasn't expecting it. But that didn't mean she didn't like it.

"Sister, please don't be mad, but when we kissed, God spoke to me through your lips." Ruth's cheeks flushed with sudden heat and she looked away, afraid of how her teacher might respond to that. The girl's body tensed, expecting a slap across the face for such insolence. But no slap was forthcoming.

Sr. Ambrose looked thoroughly flustered. Her hands trembled visibly. "But this is...so inappropriate." She said softly, almost sounding bewildered. "I'm so much older than you--I could be your mother!"

"But you aren't my mother." Ruth said softly, voice calm. "In catechism, Sr. O'Neil told us about how the Lord said it wasn't right that Adam should be alone, so he sent him a suitable partner."