Ashen Master Pt. 01

Because I did. Deepest calm settled into me. Not the depression of the hangover, but real calm. It was as if his eyes were an eternal winter, a place where there was nothing but calm white, the absence of color in every direction. I let myself fall into that look. In his gaze came a natural focus on his desires, which was what he wanted me to focus on.

Everything faded and my mind went still again. And now I had proof that it wasn't just the feel of the Ecstasy that had made me feel like this with him.

"Good Pet. You're doing so well and you're such a sweet girl when you're being taught under punishment. Now, when you get the card, what is something that we don't do at Sulfur's?"

He had my attention and it wasn't wandering anymore. "There is no playing under the influence at Sulfur's." It was drilled into me now.

"Good girl. You'll be glad to know that Matt had a good rest of the night with Deirdre even after your little stunt."

He watched me, watched every reaction and I felt as if the Witch King of Angmar had kept his threat. Thy shriveled mind be left naked to the lidless eye. There was nothing hidden from that gaze. It was terrifying, the thought that there would be no lying or hiding just how much of a selfish human being I could be.

But for once, it was okay to be seen. My reaction, for the first time in a long time, wasn't selfish. "I'm glad, sir. I'm sorry."

Pleasure whipped through his eyes. "Good girl. So there is some empathy available to you. Good to know." He snapped the crop so hard that I squealed, and then yelped when he managed to snap off the clamp crushing my nipple. I shook when he moved to the second one, panting while he slapped... hard. So hard. He attacked the clamp viciously and my tortured nipple with it. I pant and then squealed again when it finally snapped off with the force of his strikes.

He wasn't quite done. He came back with a clothespin. "Tilt your head back and hold out your tongue." I whimpered, but obeyed and whined through my nose when he clipped it onto my tongue, the spring harsh. "Keep your head back like that and think about what discipline means until I come and get you. I want you to give me an answer on what it means to you when I unclip your tongue."

I moaned and he left me there in his office, alone and staring at the ceiling where there was duct tape above me and the words written on it. "There is no playing under the influence at Sulfur's."

I thought of text book definitions of discipline, considered the word from every angle, trying to ignore how horny it made me just to hear his voice saying that word. It was worse than any dirty talk I'd ever heard from anyone else. When it came from him, it made me drip like a river. I could feel myself being a slut all over his chair, feel it sticky against my ass. The clip on my tongue helped me focus a little and I reconsidered. What textbook definition would he want?

I whimpered when he came back, dying a little under the clip and needy for it to come off, but scared because I still hadn't decided on an answer. "Now, I want you to give me a real answer, Pet. If I think you sound insincere we can start over."

He released the clip and I whimpered, worked my tongue, and blinked at him. I was afraid and aroused, but somehow calm because of his look and his icy eyes. It was so freaking confusing. And in the end every textbook definition left me and I said an answer that made sense to me, hoping it wouldn't sound crazy to him. "I don't know, but I know it's something that you have and it makes me happy."

He blinked, then smiled. "I suppose for someone like you, that would be a wonderful point of origin, wouldn't it?"

I wasn't sure he could possibly understand how true that was, but nodded. "Yes, sir."

"Good girl. Now, let's give you some release." I squealed when he lifted the crop and teased it over my clit, snapping it with strict, militant hits. Each one jarred me and I struggled in the ropes that held me so secure and safe. I was held tight and I loved it. Under him? It felt right, felt as if the only thing tighter than such strict bondage was his leash. My arousal climbed until I pant in greed, taking what he gave me.

"Pet?" I met his gaze again, having closed my eyes with the tide of pleasure. "I would like to give you one last thing to consider. How would you feel about wearing my collar?"

I came, screaming in a panicked frenzy, so hot and abrupt that it stunned me. The climb had been a steady thing and then he shot me over and it was terrible, wonderful, bliss so hot it was almost torture. Everything disappeared in frantic sensation at the image of wearing his collar, at the thoughts I had been having the night before after he mentioned having me in training.

But before I even came back down, I was already fighting for everything I had. "No! No, I don't want to. Let me up! You can keep the card, just no!" I clawed at the ropes and I didn't know why. All I knew was something about his question made me terrified. Maybe it was that if he had me as his, I was afraid that I would never want to leave and the eternal fear of being tied down to anything held me too tightly.

"Hey! Look at me." He slapped my face and I pant wildly, unsure of how long he'd been trying to get my attention. "Okay, you don't have to, Pet. It was just a suggestion." He stroked my hair and I settled down under that touch, falling back to submission because that was easier than the conflict that raged inside of me. "That's it. Back to what we were doing." And I realized he hadn't taken a bit of offense to my outburst, hadn't even faltered at it. He was calm again, as ever. I had a feeling I could rage at him in hatred and it wouldn't deter him. "We will reconsider someday when you're more at ease. My timing was awful. Here, clean this."

I sighed when he shoved the crop between my lips and suckled the leather and this time I gave him what he wanted, which was a sexual display, as I had learned last time. "Very good." And I was calm again, his voice soothing with its approval. He cut through all the rope rather than untying me and tapped the crop on the chair. "Lick it up."

And I did, turning hot off the flavor of my own arousal while he watched.

————

His remaining four days of punishment took on a different context after his invitation. I fell readily into his subspace, but when he let me up, it always scared me how deep he had taken me under those soft waves. It was like a lulling song, falling to his domination, so soft and sweet that I never wanted to fight it. Which made it feel all the more dangerous. The day after the crop he strapped me to a cross and used a leather strap on my ass until every blow was torture and I couldn't think beyond "yes, sir" and "no, sir". He made me cum with that same strap against my clit, smiling with a vague satisfaction as I did. The one after that was the cane on my pussy and lower thighs. And I came, screaming in bliss, to that same cane. And still the next day, he introduced me to the tawse and I hated it... until he made me cum from it.

That was how all of his punishments went, an implement and then coming from that same implement. Each time made me feel more and more afraid. Until the last punishment. The night before that last one I was nearing panic, unsure why. I needed to leave his influence and hated the thought of leaving his influence. Each time made me more and more tempted to his training and offer and that made me terrified, made me whimper. I needed to be out of control again, needed to forget all of that and all the conflict, goddamnit. He soothed some internal problems only to cause a lot more and I wondered how I could have been so stupid as to vaguely think he could fix me.

That wasn't how this shit worked. Life wasn't a fucking fairy tale and a lot of people kind of sucked. I felt like I needed to remember that, so I did something really stupid the night before his last punishment.

I went and found the shadiest BDSM club I could find and found a guy there, one who had teardrops tattooed under his eyes in spidery prison style ink, and grabbed him. He instantly came across as more of an asshole than any kind of dominant, which was perfect. He had no self control, so he wouldn't be taking me over, or in, anytime soon. Just to be safe, I offered him painkillers and it was even more perfect when he took me up on them.

And my punishment top couldn't be very upset, because I didn't take any drugs myself. When I took the guy home and he grabbed me by my throat, I felt sickened and it was good. My dom compass wasn't going on enough to make me wet, so I shoved him to make him be meaner, and he was, and it wasn't controlled.

It was head clearing, perfect. I remembered horrible pain in ways that made me throw up after he left, remembered an almost drug-like haze to that kind of pain, and that was it.

————

My phone went off the next day, but instead of the alarm that was to warn me to go to him for punishment, it was him calling. For a brief moment, I was concerned that I had overslept, but no. It was just his name lighting up my screen. I blinked at my phone and then answered, groaning when I felt so freaking sore.

"Hello, Dr. Lecter."

He didn't miss a beat. "Hello, Clarice." And there was a charming smile in his voice. Wow, I liked that actually. So far, most of what I had seen from him had been his hard punishment version, but I remembered his enjoying my references that first night. There was some lightness underneath the seriousness and I had just forgotten about it. I don't know why, but that fascinated me. He was starting to fascinate me, like another puzzle cube. I wondered what else was under all that cold personality.

"Are you going to at least hypnotize me to not be afraid of the crossbow? So you can kill me with it when you get bored?"

He laughed delightedly. "Oh, it is fun to meet someone who knows the book and not the movie. You're in a good mood today, Pet."

I was actually. I felt a lot better after my little self punishment foray to clear my head. I felt filthy as fuck, like I couldn't take a long enough shower, but better. "You're in a good mood, too. You're not making me try to define difficult words."

"Oh, we'll get there. You have one last punishment to endure before the card is yours, but that's part of why I called. You haven't taken me up on my offer to go out with you. Would you like to meet me for coffee? Just once?"

Well, okay. I did like coffee and I felt clearer in my head, so it could be nice. "I... would actually like that, yes. So... um, what happens after today?"

"You get to play under my supervision for a time, until I can be certain you won't pull another stunt like you did." His voice was even, steady.

And fair. "Yes, sir.

"You've done so well. And I haven't made this very fun or easy for you, which was on purpose. But now that you're at the end, I would like to show you a little bit of fun that comes from when you behave. An offer, if you will."

"I don't want to be your slave." I said it, sitting up abruptly.

He chuckled. "Oh, I noticed. You nearly hurt yourself, Pet. This is just for fun."

"Yes, sir. I... would like that." I grinned, because it did sound nice. The fun version of him. I would like to see that.

"Good girl. I'll message where to meet me. We might have to make your punishment a little later, but I feel good about having gotten through to you. We'll relax a stricture or two. Don't make me regret it, though." That last was stern as always.

I liked that, too, when I wasn't thinking too hard about it. "Yes, sir." The honorific had become so very easy to say after his punishments.

I went to get ready, only to realize I had a very big problem when I saw myself in the mirror. "Oh. Not. Good."

It was bad. It was so bad. I hadn't done drugs, but I had tortured my body in a different way. And the drugs might have been kinder to me than what my playtime "friend" had done.

I almost didn't go to the coffee date, almost ran, but when I was crying miserably in the shower from what I had done, there was only one thought that comforted me. He could help me feel better. I didn't know how, but he could. Even so, I was terrified of him seeing me, afraid of the anger and disappointment he might have in me.

————

Ash

I had been harsh on her, but that was because I had known she needed the harshness in her punishment. Anything less and I would have been another dom who couldn't bring her to heel, another one that didn't have enough self control to handle her.

But it did make my collar offer to her one of very bad timing. She had known nothing but my structured, most exacting discipline and punishment. A girl like her couldn't just be shown that, and be expected to take it well when I offered her a collar.

My fault. For sure, my fault. But she was quite well behaved for her punishments after I reassured her. She whimpered through the belt, but she showed up at the door. Even though she knew there would be pain, she had been brave for me, and obedience like that certainly deserved reward. She was a baby player and I was taking her into a deep concept. Sometimes it felt too deep and I would pace after she left, thinking through my lessons to her. The depth I felt with her was a dangerous thing because I knew she returned that depth. I knew that it could possibly cause her terror if I took her too deep when she wasn't used to it, worried about it actually, especially when she didn't take me up on my offer to give her time.

I was glad she had remained so brave through it at the end, though. It gave me an opportunity to show her a lighter side without such dark sex, a playful side in the daytime and outside of my office.

She held herself fearfully when she met me at the coffee shop that I wanted to show her. It was a bookstore too and I was interested in her mind. I knew it went incredibly fast and tortured her all the time, also knew she was full of references. But I wanted to know more. I had a feeling she would like books, or at least some form of media that stemmed from books. For instance, someone didn't have to like reading to have enjoyed the Lord of the Rings.

"Hello, Pet. I was thinking that we've learned a fair bit about each other intimately, but there are other ways to get to know each other."

"Oh." She chewed her lip and that icy place solidified in my mind, gave me that clarity. Something was wrong. My Pet was troubled by something and she wanted to come to me for help with it. But she was so afraid. When I had her slavery, she would learn to never be afraid of asking me for help with anything.

That thought was an interesting one because I realized it was true. I cared for her weird little depth. Discipline is something you have. How dare she make me feel so much affection. It was amazing. God, she was amazing. She was every color of the rainbow, and my world was black and white. I wanted to always help her, had so much interest in her that it made me pause. But that was something to contemplate another time. My attention was on her at the moment, and whatever plight she was having. "Have you ever been here?" I asked it gently, on my best behavior.

She shook her head. "No. What kind of books do they have?"

Bingo. I grinned. "What kind do you like?"

It was peaceful when I walked inside with her, with a water fountain on the bottom floor, and there were two floors of nothing but books. Her eyes went wide. "Woah. Um. I always ordered online, but I love all kinds. Neal Stephenson is my favorite... at the moment."

"Poor impulse control."

Her eyes lit up at my Snow Crash reference and she turned, clasping her hands to her mouth and grinning. "YT was my favorite character for the longest time. I also love the philosophers. I never agree with any of them, except maybe Nietzche most of the time. And I like puzzle books. I have lots of those. I like grid logic puzzles the most."

"Ah. You'll have to explain what that is for me."

So I had been right. Her mind ran insanely fast and she turned bored easily. But when she spoke of puzzles that boredom was far away. She pulled up her phone to show me what she meant. "They're those things that everyone usually hates, the ones that say 'Rachel had the blue flowers but not the red notebook and Sarah had the dachshund but not the gold collar'. You're supposed to set up a grid and work them, but I don't like to write anything down. I like to try to untangle it in my head and make myself visualize a string. I'm not perfect yet. I have to write down my end results to test them still."

I wrapped an arm around her shoulder and that's when my good intentioned day went awry.

She flinched.

It was such a small motion, but my eyes snapped to it, and I slid into the icy clarity easy as breathing. I looked her over, noticing everything. She was relaxed, her breathing even, so she wasn't afraid of that touch. No, her breath had suddenly jumped, not that fearful jump, but one of... pain? I studied her long sleeved shirt and the way she clung to the sleeves.

"Interesting. I didn't tag you as a self mutilation type, but I've been wrong before." I lifted a sleeve and then inhaled, stopping. "Ah."

Not self mutilation. No, she was cut up and bruised and battered, but it wasn't done to herself. The angle of the cuts wasn't correct for a tug on her own wrists. No, these were on the outsides of her arms and directed the wrong way. "Hm. This is interesting. I'm not even sure what some of these marks are from. Was that a razor?"

"I can't remember," she whispered, and she wouldn't look at my eyes. "I wasn't paying attention but I didn't take drugs. He... he did, but..."

"Let's see. I'm going to guess it wasn't a fetish player at all, but someone who hid their abusive nonsense under the label?"

My words were calm, controlled. Every mannerism she gave off said that she needed it. Tears welled up in her eyes. "Y-yes. What are you going to do to me?"

I didn't initially answer, instead tilted my head thoughtfully. "Pet, why did you agree to meet me today? Why not run?"

Her tears poured over and I slowly guided her out of the bookstore, taking her to an empty stairwell where she could have her moment. "I don't know!" Her voice was a quiet cry of misery. "I assumed you would rip up my card or do something mean or both or be disappointed or angry and I don't know why I couldn't run! I don't know why I even let it happen. I just cried in the bathroom and still couldn't think of an answer and I'm sorry and I was so scared and I'm still so scared and I just knew that I needed someone or something that wasn't controlled because your control is too much of a temptation and I like it but I'm scared of it because I don't want to be your Pet or have your collar or-!"

I cut off her ridiculous run-on sentence with a gentle hand to her mouth, hugging her. "Kotyonok... Such an emotional little kotik. Breathe. Take a deep breath and then take another for me."

She sniffled in my arms and I smiled to the sound. It was so much like a frightened kitten. Such emotion. Such heightened feeling. God, she would make a wonderful slave. She let her tears fall freely onto my shirt and I stroked her, calmed her. "Well, this is certainly not how I planned for today to go. It's true you've postponed your chance at your card, but I would say I had some hand in your fear and running. You don't have to try to solve life all alone, Pet. Come on. Let's get you to Sulfur's where I can do some work."

"W-work?" She let me lead her after her emotional outburst, I noticed. But then her emotions seemed to exhaust her after they happened. They were short lived and intense, from what I noticed. "What kind of work?"

I stroked my thumb over her hand. "I need to see what I can do to prevent some scarring, and to heal you. Let's see if any of those razor wounds need stitches."