All Comments on 'Assassins MC Pt. 04'

I HATE him, seriously, he just feels entitled to sex with what is essentially his foster mother and his future mother-in-law, what a jerk. And if he doesn't see that the Assassins' system is pretty much the same abuse that they have already had to experience, then he's a self-justifying idiot. And this talk of how the subservience and obedience of women is a good deal in exchange for material security is just patriarchal absurdity, I really wish there was a rival gang where women run the show to demonstrate that it's all in these jerks' head and that women can actually be free and run their lives. In these days, when killing someone requires a gun rather than brute force, there is no need for toxic masculinity if you want to have power. What a good writer you are to arouse so many strong emotions in the reader :)

Thanks for the comments folks. Keep in mind this is a long story, and so far it's just been character development and background. Assassins MC is setting up the main characters that will carry forward into future books. Look at this as an origin story of sorts.

These characters will be around for awhile, and I hope you stick around long enough to really learn who they are. I have plans for a breakout series focusing on each main character, but that's just in the planning stage. I'm having fun writing this and telling their stories, and I hope you all enjoy it as these characters and the world unfolds.

I realize the story is still basically setting itself up, but there are a few points that it's lacking in right now, at least mechanically. First, the dialogue is very wooden and stale. I don't think you're doing enough to either show emotion, or even have emotion. A lot of the back and forth dialogue is very matter of fact, and what that leads to is characters that I find it hard to connect with. The second major issue I see if a lack of description, or at least diversity in you descriptions. You're doing a reasonable job describing how things look, but you seem to ignore the other senses unless it's an actual part of the plot. How did she smell, taste, etc. Describe the noises she made more completely perhaps, or get a little more detailed in how things looked. I'm liking the story so far, and I'm not trying to bash it or anything, but I do think it has the potential to be so much more.

Rich is a flat character. He hasn't had to do anything to get this harem of slaves. He went from not knowing anything about this world and being a virgin to jumping right in to being okay being a multiple rapist and abuser? You've given him all this power over people and he's done nothing to prove he can handle it. It also doesn't seem very realistic that on his first day with the gang he's just handed these women, especially one as valuable as Nicole.

He hasn't proved he's capable of actually taking care of them. I can easily see another gang member booting Rich right out of his new situation. Why should the women be glad he's the one raping and abusing them now? He's also not thought he wants anything to change. If he's happy with the way things are, then all this is is him raping them, beating them when they don't obey his petty whims, rinse, repeat. There's no story. No reason for the women to like him any better than another other dick raping and abusing them. There's no escape for them. I don't see why they don't kill themselves and be done with it. This is no life and with no hope for changing it, there's no reason for them to carry on as sex toys for mooching assholes who live off the earnings of the women.

He doesn't strike me as particularly intelligent. I'd be surprised if he could spell pharmacologist.

And he's supposed to love Julie, but now she has to accept he's going to be raping her mother? He's no different than the other guys they could be with. Why on earth would she still love him? She strikes me as a bimbo.

As a writer you need to make your characters interesting from the start. You don't get to drag the story on for thousands of words hoping people will stay and hope it gets better. But none of these characters offer anything.

Good stuff, this is building nicely, I’m sure things will not remain so. There is alway trouble ahead in the Bikie world, Sons of Anarchy being a good example

5/5