Asymmetric Bases Ch. 05

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Edited on 03/20/2022, including revisions and corrections, no changes about the story.

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The next morning, in my bed, looking at the ceiling, without any amplified feelings or thoughts, I was numb. I wasn't completely empty minded but I didn't have the energy to focus on endless thoughts.

As a matter of fact, I didn't want to dwell on anything that morning because I felt that while being a puppet in this relationship, I was aware that I was crossing the line to lose control of my real life at the same time. I knew that and I didn't care much at the moment, so, I didn't want to face my feelings about it. The feelings which I knew were already waiting to rise. I never had been equipped to overcome a feeling about losing control in my life, I never experienced that before, not in a considerable magnitude.

I was a social person, had lots of friends and work experience and lived through various kinds of challenges in both areas. I always acted sincere, until I saw there was trouble ahead. When I felt alarmed, I tried to cool things off or keep my distance. Not by ignoring them completely, not by feeding such people's will to escalate problems. I used a buffer to avoid real conflict as much as I could. But I knew where to show my teeth and I bit hard when I did. At least my original self was like that.

In Amy's world, I didn't know how to cope with anything. I felt like a virgin in her presence. It wasn't like humoring some psychologically wounded person to avoid problems, it was like following a true leader without being sure that leader is sane.

I didn't take a test but always I was told that I had a balanced IQ and EQ. I knew some people who were close to being geniuses and I knew people who had better ethics codes or standards about life than I did. But having both at high levels had to be something rare, at least I never met such a person. I gave credit about that area to myself. That always put me in some crossroads while making decisions.

Amy, on the other hand, was hard to evaluate. She was really smart and content. That was for sure. I saw her to be emotional on many occasions but all of these resulted in her invading my will, dignity and mind, in other words, in her benefit. That was what troubled me. All her emotional or sincere moments were at the right times which she acquired what she wanted, afterwards. She could have been genuinely acting like that depending on the conditions or as natural reactions to my tantrums. But another possibility was that she was a sociopath, a clever one, knowing how to act and where to act. If that was the case, I was going to burn. That part, I didn't give much thought, because it was a trap which I already was in.

The other alternative was more horrifying. This thing started as a thrilling affair for me. It was my first affair in life. Then it turned to a very hot and new adventure, involving many firsts in my life. But in time, it shift-shaped into something completely unimaginable to me.

It wasn't simply like falling in love during a fling. It was reformatting of my all perception to something else. When reinforced with falling in love, constantly feeling lust, adoring her every part a bit more each day, it became out of my control. Going under her control since day one, without being able to or wanting to stop. No past experience prepared me for that.

I tried to kick those thoughts out of my head but they kept coming back as time passed. I consumed my 'what if' alternatives and I was floating in her current, regardless of me resisting or not. I had no bones to stop myself being drawn to the unknown.

I still wasn't thinking those, these were the thoughts floating while I stared at the ceiling.

Then, one lovely - or horrifying - thought appeared in my head. She made me serve her orally right after the day I got my 4th base certificate. This meant that she was waiting for that to happen, she wanted that as I did.

I knew it was silly to consider this as some miracle, anyone would want to be served orally, nothing extraordinary about this. But she waited because of her plans and she acted on it as soon as possible. Even her holding herself due to her plans about me meant that I had a significant place in her mind or her heart.

Finally, she moved out of her controlled self, just to show me her status in and out of our relationship, with some of her actions and behaviors. Those, especially her final show including stepping on my wife's pillow could certainly be interpreted to be hints of her seeing herself in competition with my wife, for the ownership of me. Another explanation could be about jealousy. Both possibilities made me feel good about myself but I was worried at the same time. Because, if any of these was the case, I had no idea what was going to happen to me or to my marriage in the future.

If she wanted to claim me, I knew it wasn't going to be a simple conversation with her, it never had been. Every time, she claimed and owned what she decided to be hers, after making my brain melt and when all odds were in her favor. This thought also was something I wasn't ready to cope with.

I tried to think of something else while the image of her facesitting or queening me occupied the background of my brain constantly. That wasn't something I could kick away. It probably had many subliminal pretexts, mostly unclear to me, while I knew they existed. I didn't want to think about those either.

And the word 'queening' always made me horny. I once read an article about it, describing how its origins were found in ancient times. Seeing such information was captivating, since that implied the unchanged human tendencies from the beginning of time. Men's minds were always busy with women, women's minds with men, both wanted to conquer, to rule or to be ruled for many thousand years. And, thousands of years ago, a woman in ancient Egypt was using a man's face to satisfy herself. Fascinating, as Mr. Spock would say - not about this subject of course.

When I left my room, she wasn't there. I felt disappointed not seeing her, especially after the previous night's events. Seeing her in her normal state helped me restore my humanity. Otherwise, I would be staying in a 'used and disposed' mindset until I spent time with her. I could have lived with 'used' but 'disposed' was making me sad.

There was a note telling me that she would be working the whole week and telling me to check her bed at the end of it. I went to her bed to see the same dossier on it. I thought that she wasn't happy about the previous night's performance and she put it back to rub it in my face.

I was wrong. There was a post-it on it with a bold 'A+' on it. It was funny that I really felt like I nailed a final exam, I really was happy. She liked what I did! For a second, I couldn't be sure if she was joking; joking that I was a passive toy for her to ride but I remembered that I was let to free roam for the most part of it and this note had to be sincere, not a joke. Yes! I nailed my exam.

That day I felt OK because my woman told me that I did good and left me a note.

At night, she came back tired, didn't seduce me or chat with me, went to bed after a quick small talk. I started to inculcate myself not to pursue some advance every moment. That was pathetic to act hungry all the time.

On Wednesday, I tried to wake up early but I couldn't catch her again. She left too early. There were no notes or anything.

After not being able to talk to her, the effect of the A+ started to wear off.

In the afternoon, she called me and told me that she had to go to a party of a colleague and suggested me not to wait for her.

That made me feel uneasy. This violated all her quarantine rules and also reminded me that time she made me worried. Nothing good happened after that.

I watched some TV and went to sleep.

Thursday was similar to Tuesday. She wasn't home all day and went to bed quickly after returning home.

All my insecurities started to push thoughts in my head. Did she get what she wanted? Was it her plan to ignore me after making me all into her? Was she seeing someone? This was a paradox. Any occasion resulting in us breaking up or ending this relationship was the logical best, considering the realities of my life, considering the big picture.

Why was I worried thinking if this was over?

If it was over that day, was my only problem going to be about having sex with her? Or, was I afraid of seeing that I was addicted to her? Was I going to be jealous if she told me that she was with someone else? I was of course but how important was that?

Was this part of another plan? What was left? Her dog's leash on my neck?

I had a lot of work to do but I could not concentrate on them. I was in another long-lasting tantrum. Did I have to wait until I found out? Was this enough? In fact, this was enough.

She didn't tell me anything to make me feel OK, she didn't give me any information or call me during the day to give me her lovely voice to hold on to. She left me without anything I could use to keep myself calm.

This was different than our first problem, where I told her that I wasn't 'unflushable' and that I decided to leave the picture when I felt I wasn't wanted.

This time, I felt that I was insignificant, unimportant. She didn't care about my feelings; she didn't even wonder how I was feeling. I didn't like that. This wasn't something I could endure, even if I wanted to. Her dog, that I walked every day, was seeing her more than I did; in the morning and at night, was sleeping in her room, where I didn't. Any explanation would not resolve that. I would endure being humiliated even more, as long as I felt I was important for her. I slept thinking that this thing was possibly over and I accepted that nothing would have changed that. I just became certain it was time to adjust to my normal life again and slept in that mood.

She wasn't there on Friday as well. This time, having resolved the worst-case scenario in my head, I worked all day. I was in my room when she came back at night, apparently after having a few drinks. I assumed that she was returning from her date or after work flirtation at a bar.

She probably was searching for her next loser or she was fed up with losers and she was looking for some vanilla guy who was only going to go for the fuck. I guessed that vanilla guy would be calling himself 'alpha' or a 'gentle macho' but I knew that guy. I was that guy before and it was nothing compared to this version of me, I have tasted a woman for the first time after being this wimp. But this was as far as it could have gone, I knew it was over.

She opened my door saying

"No hellos to me?"

"Hi" I said trying not to be cold.

"What's going on?"

"What do you mean?" I didn't want to play any games or ask her where she was. I tried to stay calm.

"Are you angry at me or something?"

I was hardly resisting to talk; I gave up since she asked.

"I don't know if I'm angry or not but I know that I am unhappy."

She didn't say anything, she was listening.

"I told you before that I have no rights to ask you where you were or what you were doing, being a cheating asshole myself. I know you told me that I had every right to be jealous while I stayed here. But this time it is not about being jealous, it is about your actions. Especially after that night."

"And?" she wasn't challenging me, she wanted me to finish.

"You know I can feel inferior after such occasions and you know that I feel OK after spending time with you as in a normal relationship. We are not under a mistress / slave contract, I voluntarily or unconsciously became your object, due to your actions or my feelings towards you. It's not like I was looking for a woman to dominate my mind. Maybe you made me your slave, I don't know how you see that, only because I felt some reciprocal affection towards each other."

"In fact..."

I wasn't going to stop talking.

"Sorry, let me finish."

I paused for a short time, because I felt I was turning to my real self, I felt that old friendly blood was flowing again in my veins. I looked at her with all my sincere seriousness.

"All week, you left me without a single drop of your sweetness, friendship, womanhood, conversation. You didn't even care to call me to talk for a few minutes. I'm not an attention seeker but I'm not a doormat, even if I had been acting as one for the last weeks."

"You..."

"Please wait."

She exhaled loudly and crossed her arms on her chest, leaning against the doorframe.

"I'm not expecting to see me as a regular boyfriend or something, I didn't act as one. I gave up my dignity, under your influence, I acted as a lemming walking towards any path you chose. I don't expect your respect. Maybe I don't deserve it. Maybe this was a test I failed, maybe you wanted me to resist and show you some manly dignity or some red lines of my principles. I don't know. Maybe I disgust you, I even thought about that."

"Are you..."

I looked a bit pissed off at her and she understood that she had to wait until I finished.

"I don't mind living under your will, acting as your puppet as long as I feel that this is what you want from our relationship. I managed to accept that. But it is not possible for me to accept being 'unimportant' for you, being neglected for a long time. This is the second time you're doing this to me and I am not OK with this. I accept that I pathetically fell in love with you or had some similar level feelings towards you and acted as a person who had no bones. I also assume that I lost your interest towards me due to that."

I wasn't trying to be dramatic or to create an agitated scene. I was finally talking about my feelings.

"So, I, finally, accept that I lost that game of yours and I will not be participating in it anymore. My next action depends on you, I do not want any more talks or games. I may leave or we may be a real couple, with real sex, depending on your preferences. Don't think that I am trying to have sex with you again. I said it because a normal couple does not put that at some point of a labyrinth, it is there for both to reach when they want it. This is my last pathetic decision."

She looked like she had lots to say but she didn't say anything. Her face was almost red but it wasn't easy to know if she was angry or not. She had nothing to protest because she knew I was right about everything. I didn't give her any pre-planned artificial gestures or pretexts; all were freshly produced thoughts. I didn't try to act cool or distant, I acted as I felt, heartbroken but not accusing anyone but myself. I didn't even think about any gains after this speech, I was feeling content after a long period.

I really wasn't bluffing and expecting anything. I felt like that and expressed my feelings. This was my handsome exit speech because I was sure this thing was already over.

The sex related phrase truly wasn't part of an expectation, it was the only thing I could have imagined that was going to show me her willingness to be in a relationship with me at that moment.

Also, it was my last hope to cool my feelings down towards her, at least to help me think clearly. It wasn't an 'all-in' bet, at least it wasn't meant to be.

Possibly, the downside of this speech was that it blocked every path to a solution in this dead end. Both on her part and mine. I had to prepare myself for my departure.

She didn't talk and went to her room. I interpreted this as she was thinking 'as you wish, bon voyage sucker!'. I still was in need of receiving a solid response from her.

An hour later, I heard her calling me to dinner. I was surprised and I joined her in the kitchen. We didn't talk much, except me thanking her for the nice dinner, her half smiling etc. She wasn't acting angry or cold, she wasn't happy but she was trying to act warm and sincere, genuinely.

After finishing our meal, she got beer for us and sat down. I wasn't looking at her but I felt she was looking at me.

I heard her say "I listened to anything you said. I can empathize how you felt or what you thought during this week."

I was all ears and started to look at her unhappy but still warm face.

"The thing is, you aren't the only one that has feelings or thoughts. Of course, my thoughts didn't include shallow subjects like having sex or actions, definitely not scorecards."

I opened my mouth to object but she continued.

"You being unimportant never was an issue in my head. It was just the opposite..."

Hearing that nonsense, I jumped on my feet and barked "This is just bullshit, I told you that I do not want to play any of your games anymore and you still are telling me ridiculous things like that. You must think that I'm an idiot to believe those words when you imply that you are unimportant for me. You..."

She interrupted me calmly saying "That's not what I mentioned."

I stopped, she stopped talking as well. She looked really uneasy, as if she was trying to gather her words before she continued.

"That night I had hardly any sleep. I felt that I was getting used to my life with you, getting used to all of this too much. And knowing the fact that this will be over at some point, kept me from sleeping."

I was speechless again. She wasn't playing, this wasn't a plot. At least that was what I felt.

"Since that night, I was trying to step back a bit to cool this feeling off, at least to slow down to prepare myself for a life without you being in it."

She abruptly stopped and looked in front of her.

Her looks, voice, everything was telling me that she was telling me the truth. I had nothing to doubt that.

After a few seconds, she continued.

"I started to think about that when I was in your... you and your wife's bedroom, looking out of the window that day. I couldn't put myself anywhere in that picture and my mind wasn't there for a period."

I remembered that I wondered what she was thinking or planning at that time, since she was motionless for a long time. She was thinking sad things and I was looking at her ass. I never suspected she could have been upset at that moment.

"Don't get me wrong, I wasn't thinking all about myself, it's not like I felt vulnerable or something like that; my thoughts also included me not wanting to damage your life in any way."

I was puzzled with that last sentence.

She continued "I'm guessing you know me enough to know that I didn't feel the need to prove myself that I could override your marriage that day, but I wanted you to acknowledge that fact."

"Oh, her self-confidence" I thought to myself.

She was looking in my eyes with hers which were full of that confidence. She kept talking.

"My actions that day may have been misinterpreted by you. I didn't do those to 'keep you' but to make sure that you knew who you really belonged to at that moment and that I can 'keep you' if I know it won't ruin you."

Even at such a dialogue, at a sentimental moment, she managed to make me hard. I guessed it was the word 'belonged' that did the trick. She didn't even consider toning down to win at that moment, even when she was talking about her deeper feelings for me.

I was listening without making a sound.

She wasn't wearing any sexy outfits; she didn't feel the need to seduce me with any physical visual thing. She had a loose cotton skirt and a t-shirt on her. She was confident to the core while she was making that speech to me.

She started talking again.

"I will not stop you leaving if you want or prefer to, I accept that my calming process this week was a selfish act. I didn't consider how you might be feeling during that. It never crossed my mind that you might be feeling neglected and I am sorry for that. You were right about what you told me when I got back home. I promise that I will never make you feel like that again if you can manage to forget about this week and especially our argument."