All Comments on 'At The Foot Of The Stairs'

That this story has all the sex appeal of a medical report

I think I have a new policy when reading stories:

If the first paragraph does not "grab" me, I will not waste my time slogging through the rest of it.

I might end up missing out on some good stories, but it will keep me from losing precious minutes I will never get back again.

In your first paragraph we have you swiching tenses in the first two sentences:

"I lived about 20 miles away from my girlfriend Kim. We have been together for the past three months. "

LIVED = Past tense. HAVE BEEN = present tense. I should have stopped there, but gave the rest of the paragraph a chance:

"It was two weeks ago in the car when Kim and I had full-blown sex. It was a Sunday and Kim and I had driven out into the countryside for the day."

You have already established that her name is Kim. You don't have to refer to her by name every single time she is mentioned. Use "She" or "her" where appropriate, or "we" when referring to her and yourself.

Here is one way the paragraph might look, cleaned up:

"I live about 20 miles away from my girlfriend Kim, who I have been seeing for the past three months. It was two weeks ago in the car when we first had full-blown sex. It was a Sunday, and we had driven out into the countryside for the day."

"

awful. Stop trying to write. You can't.

I loved it because it was sex and more sex with a thin story line.