Athena's Dance

This time I could clearly hear the fear in her voice, the brittleness. I didn't understand. I mean, I had misspoken, true, coming a little too close to my own thoughts. I would have expected anger from her or confusion. Instead, I saw a reflection of my own feelings just a few moments ago. Panic and expectation of rejection. I was confused, to say the least. So I lied. If she hadn't caught on to my sick attraction, then I wouldn't be telling her now, in any case. After the audition and funeral. I could put it off for that long.

"Um. I just meant that it would be the best thing for your future. As a dancer. I mean, I looked online, and I was stunned at the kind of things people said about this place."

"Oh," Ath said, relief plain on her face, "that. Um...yeah. It really is a big opportunity."

At that, the car ride dissolved into silence. Both of us were desperate to say something, but neither of us was ready to listen.

* * *

The audition was at a playhouse downtown. A small artsy place with a certain run-down charm. I'd been here to see some strange interpretive stuff that friends of mine had been in. Surrealist plays are better in theory than in practice, in my experience. I couldn't even tell what the sets were supposed to be.

In any case, the stage was empty of set dressing this time. There was a space set aside for dancing, and a table for the visiting teachers from the school. There were three of them, all women in their fifties or sixties. They still had the trim figures of dancers, however, and they all had a particularly sharp look in their eyes. They ignored me as I sat in the main audience seating, but they focused on Athena with rapt attention, evaluating her even as she walked down the aisle. I understood why. She did everything with precision and grace. Her body was art. I was biased, of course, but anyone could see that she was a true dancer.

As Athena mounted the stage and took off her sweater and baggy track pants, I sat and worried. I worried that she'd fail. I feared that she'd succeed.

Ath stretched out quickly and then looked over to the table. The woman in the center wordlessly nodded. I suppose that the performance was the student's choice.

I don't know what music was meant to accompany it, because none was played. I recognized the dance, however, or at least in part. It was...our old game brought to life. As she spun and turned and bent and flowed and leaped, I saw a much younger version of her, doing similar but cruder movements to the song I had written for her. I'd never seen anything like this, however. I doubt that the judges had, either. They made no change of expression, but their rapt attention spoke for itself.

They might as well have been on the moon. Athena was the center of the universe, and we orbited her. Her gravity and swift movements from feet to hands and back again seemed almost impossible, her turns and poses perfect expressions of human form and beauty, her jumps effortless and terrifying. For the finale, she simply knelt and lowered her head, letting her arms fall open as a flower.

Here I am, she seemed to say, accept me, or do not, but I will not bend for you.

It was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.

I was right, she'd killed it. I loved her so much. Too much. And I wouldn't see her for years now. Was it really for the best? I didn't know. I was lost in my own morass of emotions, love and pride and self-hate and fear, but when Ath stood, I snapped back to reality.

She had wobbled, just a bit, like the night before, from the wine. Athena walked over and spoke to the judges briefly and shook all of their hands. I got the impression that they would contact her later with their final decision. She got halfway back across the stage. Then it happened, as if in slow motion.

Athena crumpled, knees buckling first, torso, then head hitting the stage. She had been a graceful goddess a moment ago, now she was just a puppet with her strings cut.

I ran to the stage and arrived at her side first, the others too stunned to react. Her eyes were already fluttering open, and she tried to push off of the floor on her elbows, but I put a gentle hand on her shoulder, stopping her from getting up.

"Hey, just lay down a sec, ok?" I tried to keep my voice level, but I could hear it shake. One of the judges had handed me a bottle of water from somewhere, which I took gratefully. I opened it and helped Ath sip from it. Color returned to her cheeks, and she smiled at me.

"Wow. I guess I found a new way to embarrass myself, huh?" Ath asked.

I chuckled, but the judge spoke softly so that only the two of us could hear. Her accent was distinct, but her English was perfect.

"It's nothing to worry about," she said, "it happens all of the time. The girls get stressed, maybe eat or drink too little, and then give their all. Then they just collapse. I was a dancer, too. We run ourselves on fumes sometimes. Just rest up. You'll be fine. It won't impact our verdict."

Although she'd only spoken briefly, I got the impression that the older woman was extremely impressed with Athena. I sighed, both proud and resigned. It was really for the best.

* * *

Athena got up a few minutes later, looking quite well. I was still worried about her sudden collapse and was mulling it over as we drove home.

"Do you think it went well? I mean, besides the end." Athena asked me. I looked over at her, and she was actually worried.

"You were amazing. And...I recognized the dance. I got distracted by terror there but...wow. That was really amazing that you remembered it after all these years."

Athena laughed.

"Did you really think I'd forget? I was so glad that you got to see it, but I would have done it whether or not you were here. It's the most distinctive performance I know. It's the only one that's really me. And you. It's my favorite," Ath said, looking at me with a peculiar intensity, "Anyway, I'm sorry I scared you."

"Yeah. About that. You should go see a doctor."

"Come on. I fainted one time. I probably didn't drink enough."

"You got wobbly the other night too. I thought it was the wine, but..."

"Ok, fine,Dad. I'll go first thing next week, ok? I don't think I'll be able to get an appointment this afternoon. But you have to promise me not to say anything to our parents."

"Ath..."I began, but she cut me off.

"I mean, it Od. Mom has enough to worry about with her father's death. She doesn't need to be freaking out about her neurotic daughter too."

I sighed.

"Fine."

Athena smiled. She almost always got her way with me. On the other hand, she had agreed to go, and that was all I really wanted. When we pulled back into the driveway, she leaned over the center console and kissed me on the cheek. It was sudden, impulsive. I felt myself blushing.

"What was that for?"

"It was for coming with me. For writing that song for me. For being protective. I love you, Od. You're the best man I know."

And then she got out of the car like she hadn't just said the most incredible things.

* * *

Time passed. Ath didn't crawl into bed with me again. I went back to school during the days and finished the installation, hoping that it went over well. I was primarily into electronics engineering, but music and computers were both fun hobbies.

To be honest, I really wanted Ath to like it, which I guess shouldn't surprise anyone. I was a little disappointed, however, when I got the email.

"Ah, fuck," I said that morning at the table. It was still just Athena and me. The funeral would be that Friday, and after that, Mom and Dad would come home.

"What is it?" Ath asked.

"It's the exhibition."

"Is it canceled?"

"No, just delayed. I guess the local power station failed, a lightning strike or something. They just decided to do it in two weeks."

"Oh, that's good."

"Is it?" I asked Athena, genuinely confused.

"Yeah," she said, "it's after the funeral. Mom and Dad should be back by then. They'll want to go. It will distract them from all this...stuff."

"Oh, yeah. Jeez. I hope that they don't hate it. It's kind of...weird."

"Have you met our parents?" Ath asked me with a smirk, "They're kind of the definition of weird. And they'll love it. I really can't wait to see it. Normally you show me things like this, and your secrecy has been intriguing."

"Eh," I said, "It's not a huge deal. I just kind of wanted it to be a surprise for everyone. If you want to see it early..."

"No," Ath said, "I can wait. I'm patient."

I snickered, and she hit me playfully. It was a relatively normal morning.

Later I drove Athena to the doctor. It was pretty routine, to be honest. She was back there for a while, and when she came back out, she said that they drew about a gallon of her blood for tests but that the doctor couldn't find anything obviously wrong with her. Most of the tests would come back in about a week after the funeral. She promised to tell me when she heard something.

The week passed. Mom called me and asked me to do a bunch of things, most of which was already done. I got Ath to school and home again after my classes. We cooked and kept things clean and went grocery shopping, so Mom and Dad wouldn't have to do a bunch of things when they got home. At night, I watched TV or read with Ath on the couch. She was cuddling with me more than usual. I didn't push her away. Maybe I should have, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. And, I reasoned, if I enjoyed it for other reasons, it was ok since she was initiating, and I was just passively experiencing it. I know it's fucked up, but it was all I had.

The funeral came and went. Mom and Dad came home. I reluctantly went back to my on-campus housing. I told myself that it was for the best, but that didn't make me feel any better. I stayed close to the family during the funeral, burial, and for most of the wake, but Ath and I didn't have any time to ourselves. I caught her looking at me a few times with a strange expression on her face.

We were both busy with schoolwork, so we didn't meet for lunch or dinner like we typically would have. Two weeks passed quickly, and nothing seemed out of place.

That was when it happened.

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Magic and Death
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I was excited on the night of the exhibition. I dressed up a bit. Not in a suit, mind you, but I wore nicer jeans and a well-ironed dress shirt. It was pretty casual in any case. I had the impression that the art department didn't take the "mixed-electronic-media" showcase all that seriously, but that wasn't true. They had drinks and food, a big, well-lit gallery in the back of the main building, and had ensured that each artist had the right spot for their installation.

I was majoring in comp sci, but I was thinking about a minor in music or maybe "interpretive art," so I was pretty interested in responses to what I'd done as well as in seeing the works of others. All of the other participants were art majors, so I didn't expect to look all that great next to them. That was fine, I wasn't really looking to impress professors that night. Not even my parents, really.

Athena was a different story. Her performance had made me smile at the synchronicity of things, but it had also made me a bit nervous. Would she think that I had done this in response to her? Would it seem silly now? I didn't know, but I understood now that she was the one person who's opinion truly mattered that night.

I could never really tell her how I felt. That would destroy everything we had. But maybe I could show her how much she meant to me. It was worth the hours I spent making the final changes. Then, she could go to Sweden and I would move away before she came back. We'd still love each other, but she'd be safe from my baser feelings.

I got there before the official opening, so I could see the other artists' work. There was a fantastic LCD "painting" that changed depending on how the closest person viewed it. One appeared to be just a simple vase with some kind of screen on the outside that created animated "greek-style" warriors and dancers. I even helped a freshman near to tears with their laptop, which was driving their "lighted space" experiment. Once we got it booted up and running, I was very impressed that it was just LEDs in a very dark room.

To be honest, by the time I got back to my own piece, I wasn't feeling that good about things. I was interrupted by my father's hand on my shoulder. I wasn't shocked that they showed up as soon as the exhibition opened. At least I had a supportive family. I was expecting some friends to be by, but that probably wouldn't be until a few hours later.

Mom looked tired, but she was definitely interested in all the displays of light and sound. Dad more or less accompanied her, and they slowly moved from one thing to another, as they always did in museums, carefully observing and experiencing, and then arguing quietly about what it meant. For a moment, Athena and I watched them and chuckled. Then she hit me on the arm. She was dressed casually too, but it was impossible to avoid noticing that her jeans and simple black sweater both fit her like a glove. Even with makeup, I could see that she had dark circles under her eyes, and she looked a little pale and maybe thinner. I suspected that she hadn't been eating or sleeping enough, but she had a lot going on. I would talk to her about it later.

"Okay, they might be saving you for last, but I'm not that patient. Where's yours?"

I gestured over to the small pedestal about three feet from us. It was a very plain rectangular white pillar. Inside was a laptop. On top was a set of what looked like clear safety glasses with a thick black frame and earpieces built-in for sound. Also, there were some alcohol wipes for sanitary reasons. Ath looked at them skeptically.

"Do I put them on?"

"Yes, genius, they're glasses. You're lucky that you're so cute."

"Jerk," she said, putting them on, then jumping back a bit with a start.

Athena was busy. She'd pretty much been busy her whole life. She read and used her phone, but didn't play a lot of games, so it made sense that augmented reality was a bit of a shock to her, even if the technology had been around for a while.

"Holy shit," she said, "Where did you get these? Did you...did you make this? Is this your music?"

I laughed. I didn't need to see or hear what she was experiencing. I made it after all. I knew that on the pedestal, there was a small male figure dancing. Right now, it was doing the first stage of its routine, which was a series of flips and acrobatics inspired by Russian traditional dances and parkour. One of my songs played as he did, more or less an electronic dance number with some adaptive rhythm.

"Try to grab him," I told her.

Ath looked at me for a moment, but she reached out hesitantly as if to carefully pick him up.

"What the fuck? He jumped over my hand! And then he stuck out his tongue at me!"

Athena laughed.

"Ok," I said, "This might not work quite as well, but I want you to cover the dancer with your left hand. Like you're trying to block him from your vision."

Athena didn't ask any questions this time. She just did it.

"Ok, what now?"

"Now, swipe your hand like your choosing something on a big phone screen."

Athena did and then froze.

I saw tears run down her cheeks, and I suddenly felt very nervous. Had I gone too far? It seemed so right when I was putting the extra time in, but now...I wasn't so sure. She covered her mouth with her hand, and her uncharacteristic silence alarmed me.

"Od...did, you do this for me," she said, never looking away from the tiny figure on the pedestal.

"Yes. Only for you. No one else."

"It's beautiful. It's the most beautiful thing anyone has ever done for me."

Athena understood then. I was filled with relief. She saw the dancer. I had made her roughly to my sister's proportions, with the same color and length of hair. I wasn't much of a character modeler, though, so she was relatively low-polygon. Even so, the tough part wasn't her appearance, it was her movement.

I couldn't exactly call my sister for motion capture sessions, and I didn't have the time for that even if I could. Instead, I watched recent videos of her dances and combined that with my memories of her original choreography, and then I used to that to animate the character by hand. This meant that the small figure that Athena was seeing moved very close to how she really did, or at least how her brother saw her.

I'm sure that to some people, this sounds like genius, but it isn't. I didn't make the augmented-reality glasses technology, but I did learn how to use it. I knew how to compose music and how to use software to design, rig and animate three-dimensional characters. It was just a matter of combining the various skills I'd learned and made sure that it worked well with the AR glasses...and that the surface and object detection worked well. I really didn't want any of my little performers clipping through hands or dancing on air. I wanted for people to almost believe what they were watching.

"How...how did you do this? I mean...I could guess, but...I don't...I can't..."

Athena watched for a long time, unaware that others were lining up in her general vicinity, interested in the intensity of her reaction. Mom looked over at me, concerned. I suppose that it might have looked like Ath was having a bad experience, I smiled and gave Mom a thumbs up, and she and Dad returned to their wandering.

In a moment, Ath took the glasses off. My application reset to the default start. She ignored the few tears on her cheeks as she carefully cleaned them as per the instructions that had appeared on the glasses at the end of the display, but now I was a bit worried. I wanted her to love her gift, to be sure. I wanted her to think of it, and of me, when she was gone, but making her cry? I wasn't sure if that was truly good. Ath didn't cry very often at all.

People have this image of dancers as fragile. They are the opposite, some of the toughest and most willful people I have met. Unfortunately, there's also a stigma connected with expressing emotions. It makes you look weak. Ath never wanted sympathy or to look weak. Her public vulnerability was shocking to me in a way that it wouldn't have been in others.

I put my arm gently on my sister's shoulder and led her away from the pedestal as someone I did not recognize picked them up and put them on. I wanted to hear everyone's feedback, but right at that moment, I only wanted to hear from one person.

"Are you all right, Ath?"

"Oh, god," Ath said, sniffling and wiping her tears away, more annoyed than sad, "I'm sorry that I'm such a wreck. I guess I've been stressed out because of the audition and the big changes coming and...I really wanted to see your thing, you know? I never expected that you would do something like this. Will anyone else see it?"

"Only if they do what I told you to do. And I'm not telling anyone else. This was for you and you alone."

"Why?" Ath said. I wouldn't have believed that such a simple, one-word question would have had such an impact on me. She looked into my eyes, and I felt that she could see my guilty thoughts and feelings. Could she? Impulsively, I told her the truth. Sort of.