Athena's Dance

"Because you've been uncertain. And because you're so beautiful, inside and out. I wanted to show you how I saw you...I mean, how everyone does. And because...because I love you, and I'm going to miss you a great deal. More than you know."

I immediately both kicked and commended myself. I had said too much, but I knew that if I had said less, then Ath would have filled in the blanks herself, and I didn't want her to get any wrong ideas with this. I wanted her to know what she meant to me, even if I could never tell her the entire truth.

"I see," Ath said simply. "I can't believe that you...that it's so perfect. Is there any way to save this so I can play it back later? I mean, I know that I can't have the glasses, but..."

"Yeah. I can do that. It won't look the same but, I can record the animation and give it to you so that you can watch it on your laptop."

"With the music? The music is so important."

"Yes, with the music, too. It's yours as much as mine."

Ath smiled, and there was fresh wetness at her eyes.

"Good. I kind of think I'd like to watch it. And share it with people, when the time comes."

I raised my eyebrow.

"What time would that be?"

"Um, I just meant when I made friends at my new school. They're going to ask me about my family, and I'll show them this. Oh my god, I can just see the girls badgering me for your contact information. It's going to be really annoying."

I laughed, but I also didn't believe her. It wasn't like her to lie, but it seemed to be a minor one. Well, I'd pushed her to enough emotional vulnerability for one night. We stood in silence, then chatted about everything and nothing. I left her to mingle and talk, returning to my installation.

I answered questions of all kinds, from critics and novices. Some were insightful, and others rude. All were interesting to me because they forced me to think about what I'd done. There were other models of dancers in there too, and they randomly rotated in and out. Not my Little Athena, though. She stayed a secret, only for those who knew the right gesture.

After what seemed a short time but was most likely a few hours, my parents showed up. They loved what they saw, and said the most supportive things, as parents would be expected. It was all very wholesome, and it gave me a little more solidity, convincing myself that the distance between Ath and me was even more necessary. Our family was good and, to some degree, pure. I would not spoil it.

The lines thinned out, the hour grew late. I saw Mom, Dad, and Ath talking. Mom walked over with Ath, but only Mom wore her coat. Oddly, my sister was carrying a backpack.

"Are you sure you're ok with this, Odin?"

I blinked in surprise. Ath spoke up, helpfully.

"She's asking about me spending the night tonight. Because of the thing I have to do at the hospital tomorrow super-early. I told her that you were ok with me staying, and you only live a few blocks away, so it doesn't make any sense for me to go home now."

In point of fact, Ath hadn't told me anything about a hospital. I was taken aback, but her eyes were pleading, not at all like her confident or mischievous self.

"Oh, that," I said, hoping Mom bought the lie. "Yeah, that's fine. It makes sense."

"Fine, I just wanted to make sure," Mom said, "I know how pushy my daughter can be."

"Just like her mother," Dad said, walking up. "We should go, hon. We both have early days tomorrow."

"All right," Mom said, giving in. "Don't go to bed too late, you two! I'm proud of what you did tonight, Odin."

I could almost hear Ath's eyes roll as Mom kissed both of us and left. She still had a great deal of trouble seeing either of us as adults.

Athena waited patiently in the lobby as the evening completed. It didn't take long. While others had to wait until the morning to take their more extensive exhibits down, mine was really just a laptop and the glasses, so I was ready to go five minutes after the show closed.

"Ready?" Ath asked as I walked up to her. She hid her nervousness well, but it was there.

"Yep," I said, holding the door open for her, feeling the chill air revitalize me, "Now do you want to tell me why you didn't tell me about that whole overnight plan?"

I swear that for just a second, Athena stumbled. For us regular mortals, that's kind of a normal thing, but for her, it was very unusual. I couldn't remember the last time she made an error in movement, even on particularly tricky performances.

"Uh, yeah. I mean, I wasn't sure whether I should ask or not. I planned on it tonight, but then I saw your thing and...I got distracted. No, that's not true. After I saw it, I didn't really think that I needed to ask anymore."

Athena turned and gave me the bratty "I-know-something-you-don't" smile that I was all too familiar with.

"I'm confused," I said. "What does Little Athena have to do with you staying over? Also, what's this about a hospital visit?"

"Oh my god, do you really call her Little Athena? That's adorable!"

"Thank you, but you haven't answered any of my questions."

I was familiar with my sister's brand of distraction by being kind and cute. It didn't work on me. Well, not very often. Athena sighed.

"It's part of the tests related to the whole passing out thing. They didn't find anything at the doctor, so I have to get some more detailed stuff done. I swear I'm not going to have any blood left after they're done."

"Wait. They didn't find anything so...you have to go to the hospital?"

"Come on, Od. Are you really going to push me on this? I don't want to talk about it because I don't want to go. It's more needles and more doctors and more b...more time wasted."

I was chastened and was silent for a bit, worried that I'd offended her. Of course, I knew that I shouldn't push. I was just worried about her.

"Do you want me to go with you? I can cancel my stuff pretty easily..."

Athena laughed and then took my arm in both of her own, hugging up close to me. I felt her warmth and firmness press into me, and my treacherous body reacted immediately. I felt sick with myself.

"No, Od. They won't be doing anything too heavy. I'd like to meet you back at your apartment after, though. Maybe we could get lunch? And I could get a ride back home?"

"Sure," I said.

The rest of the way became something of a cherished memory for me. We were light and happy. We talked about movies we wanted to see, and Athena told me some very dumb jokes and very raunchy stories that she heard from her friends. It turns out dancers are very badly behaved from time to time. Nothing of significance was said, I don't think. She periodically held my arm, and it occurred to me that the few people that saw us out late that chill night thought us to be boyfriend and girlfriend. That felt nice, and for some reason, it didn't make me feel as bad as many of my other recent thoughts had.

I should have pushed Ath about the appointment. I should have asked her more about why she was suddenly was staying over at my place without asking first. I should have used my brain.

I didn't, though, so I was still happy for a time.

* * *

"Are you hungry?" I asked as I opened the door to my apartment. It was small, but it was mine alone, and aside from a few pairs of t-shirts on the floor of my room, it was clean.

"A little, but don't feel like you have to do anything..."

"Please. What kind of host would I be if I didn't offer you the finest leftover food. Also, you have the metabolism of a weasel, so you should eat something."

"All right. What are we eating?"

I looked in the fridge and got out a casserole dish and drinks. Beer for me, sprite for her. Then I pulled out some plates.

"Cold chicken Alfredo."

"Sounds good."

We sat at my small kitchen table and dug in. Athena stole a swig of my beer when she thought I was distracted.

"Do you want your own?"

"Um. No. It tastes pretty gross to me."

"Do I need to point out that you stole some of mine?"

"Yeah, but it's ok if it's just a sip. And it tastes better when it's stolen. Forbidden things always do."

I laughed, but inwardly I wondered if that wisdom applied to other things as well.

"This is really good, by the way," Athena said, breaking my lewd train of thought. "You made the sauce by hand, didn't you?"

"Yeah. Thanks. I thought I might have added too much garlic."

"No such thing as too much garlic. I really miss your cooking, you know. Mom and Dad, uh, don't excel on that front."

"When I left for college, I swore that I would get better if only for the sake of any future children. It's helped with dating a bit, too."

"Oh," Athena said, "are you dating a lot?" Her voice had a slight coldness to it. She never had time for it anymore, so I imagined that me talking about it might make her a little bitter.

"Nah. I've managed to involve myself in too many things to be do anything but the occasional one-night stand."

Ath's eyebrows shot up.

"So, you're sleeping around then?"

"You make it sound like I'm committing a grave sin. No, I haven't really even been on anything like a date in months. And when I did have the occasional hookup, it was mutually understood that it was a one-time thing. Fun, but not what I really want."

"What do you really want?"

"Honestly? At some point in the future, I'd just like to meet a girl who's as weird as I am who loves me as much as I love her. I think that would be a nice start. What about you?"

Athena blinked. I guess she was surprised that I turned things around on her, but since she was giving me the bad cop routine, I figured that it was all right.

"Um. I guess the same but, there's no time," Ath said. Then, for just a moment, her smile disappeared, and a great sadness clouded her eyes. "There's never enough time." Her grim expression was gone as soon as it arrived, and I felt terrible for pushing. She must have been thinking about this a lot lately, with all of the changes going on.

We ate in silence for a moment, but I watched my sister. She was deep in thought. I was worried but also felt some kind of anticipation. My heart was trying to tell me something, but my brain couldn't figure it out.

"I need to ask you something, Od. And I would really like to have a true answer. Even if it's unkind, ok? Promise me."

"Ath, I'm not sure that..."

"Please. I know it's weird, but...I need to know, ok? And I swear that whatever you say, I will never tell a soul. And I won't think any less of you."

Her attempts to reassure me had done the opposite. I felt a dim sense of panic inside of me. Had she felt how strange I had been with her lately? Did she realize how sick I was?

"Ath, you can ask me anything. You know that, but..."

My sister held up her hand to stop me. It wasn't a motion of anger or annoyance. For the second time that night, tears welled in her eyes. She had something to say, and she wasn't sure she would be able to do it if she didn't do it fast.

"How do you feel about me?"

"I love you," I answered without thought or deceit. I didn't fill in the details, but I didn't hide any of the heat behind it.

"God. I mean. I know you love me. I mean...do you...feel...oh, this so isn't fair. I want to be safe. I want to ask you first, but that's not right. I love you, Od. You know, I do. You just don't know how much."

My world spun. I was ready for my big moment. My confession of lust and sin and the shattering of the most important relationship in my life. Instead, as always, Athena has shown how brave she was.

God, I must have been blind to have missed it.

"How much?" was all my coward's mouth was able to utter.

Athena did not look away, and I saw my own guilt reflected back at me. I knew then that she had felt the same sick shame and worried about how I would react. I wanted to reassure her, but she babbled, her mouth at a run.

"I'm in love with you. I have been since forever. I ignored it. I pretended it wasn't real, or that it was a crush. Maybe it was when I was little. But you're older than me, and I couldn't stop you from dating. I wanted to. I wanted to be annoying and bothersome and drive all of the girls in your life away. I didn't have enough time with you already, so I thought that I was competing for you. It was silly, and I knew it until it wasn't. I know you fucked her, you know."

"Who?"

Athena made a laughing noise deep in her throat, but there was no humor in it. I saw bitterness on her face, real and pure. I'd never seen anything like that.

"Don't you mean which one? There are so many, aren't there?"

"Not that many."

"You just told me that you have casual hookups!"

I got defensive at that.

"I also just told you that I haven't in months. And why should I feel guilty about having sex?"

Athena looked lost, and I felt terrible. I could tell that this wasn't going how she had imagined.

"You...you should feel bad! Because...because..." Tears were rolling down her cheeks freely now. I had to say something.

"Ath, you don't have to say anything more, I..."

"Because you weren't fucking me, all right? Because I wanted you to fuck me! Not some random blonde from a bar! Me!"

The silence was all-encompassing. Athena looked at me, stunned at what she had just admitted, and probably by how she had admitted it. I realized that I knew exactly who she was talking about.

"You saw me with Sami, didn't you?"

"What?"

"The blonde. She was wearing a tight skirt with shiny boots. You saw us together. We dated for about three weeks."

"Y-yeah. I saw you together."

"Not just around town, though, either. You saw us together. Here."

"I just wanted to surprise you. We had practice, and it went late, and I thought about getting dinner with you or just saying hi. It went so well, I felt good about things."

"But, you didn't knock first."

"No. I saw you go inside with a girl. I stayed outside. I listened. I didn't want to, but I had to! You wouldn't understand!"

"You're wrong. So you watched us?"

"Yes. I listened outside until I heard...you know. Then, I let myself in with the spare key. It was so stupid, but...I had to know. I watched you. The way you just took her, the way she came on your bed. It was awful, and it tore my heart out. It should have made me realize how stupid and sick I was, but it just made me want you more. I wanted to be her. I wanted it so much."

I could have been offended. She'd violated my privacy. But I wasn't.

"Ath," I said quietly, "I love you."

"I know, you keep saying that, but..."

"No, Ath. I love you like you love me."

"You don't! If you did, you wouldn't have seen other women. You're not a coward like me, you would have told me and..."

"I didn't realize it until recently. I've always loved you, you know that. But something changed, and I started noticing you more. How beautiful you were. How sexy. How you would be an amazing lover."

Athena blushed, and I was amazed at myself now for being so bold.

"I...when did you notice? I'm not saying I don't believe you, but...I just need to know that you aren't just saying it to make me feel better..."

That was when I laughed. It may have seemed inappropriate. Ath's eyebrows certainly went up.

"You mean that I declared my love and intent to fuck you, my sister, just to make you feel better for wanting to fuck me? No. I'm not that selfless, and I wouldn't lie to you about this. Its been months for me, and I've felt awful about it."

"Don't! I mean...I don't want you to. I don't want to feel awful about loving you either. I...god. This is so fucked up."

"Maybe," I said, reaching across the table and taking her hand, "but it hasn't changed the way I feel about you. If you don't want this to go any further, then it won't. We won't even have to speak of it. But if you do...I'm not going to say no. I want you, and I can't pretend that I don't anymore."

Athena squeezed my hand hard.

"Oh god, I want that. I want you so much. You don't know, but...I have to confess something first. And even then...I won't be able to tell you everything that I want to. But I need you to listen, ok? And please don't judge me too harshly."

"You want to confess more?"

Athena laughed, but I was pleased to note that it was carefree and relieved.

"Yeah. So...you may have noticed, um, recently, that I have tended to dress in certain ways. Or find reasons to be physically close to you. Or...sleep next to you."

"You did all that to make me want you?"

"Well, no. I mean, I would have loved it if I had caught you looking or gotten you to say or do something, but...I did it because I wanted to. I wanted to be sexy for you. I wanted to sleep next to you. That night...when grandpa died..."

"Yeah?"

"I snuck into your bed to fuck you. I could blame the wine, but it was me. I wanted it so much. If you hadn't woken up, I would have touched you. I would have taken...taken your cock in my hand, and...oh fuck, I can't even say it..."

Athena was bright red now, and couldn't meet my eyes. I was, however, beyond shame. Now that I knew that she felt the same way, no amount of morality or brotherly protectiveness could stop me. I'd only stop if she asked me to. I stood up and walked around the table, then knelt by her so that I was looking up at her.

"Athena, I'm in love with you, and it's driving me crazy. If you tell me to stop now, I will, and I'll be good. I'll give you as much space or time as you need..."

"I don't want space, and we don't have time. I...I mean, I might be going to Sweden soon. What I want...is you. Tonight."

Our eyes met, and I was undone. Some of Athena's hair had escaped from its ponytail, and I reached out and pushed it behind her ear. She took my hand and pressed her face into it, kissing me on the palm before moving it down to her chest. She pushed it into her breast. I didn't resist. I grasped her gently, and she wasn't wearing a bra. Even through the thick material of her sweater, I could feel the hard pebble of her nipple. She moaned involuntarily and blushed bright red. I couldn't help but laugh a little.

"H-hey. Don't laugh at me!"

"I'm not laughing at you. You're just adorable, that's all."

"Oh, wow. What every woman wants to be told by a man who's groping her. 'You're adorable.'"

I hadn't stopped touching her. I never wanted to stop. I pinched her nipple gently through the fabric, and she bit her lip.

"Do you really think that it's a bad thing that I think my little sister is cute? Or that she's also very fuckable? Believe me, I tried to stop thinking about it. I thought I was sick. Maybe I am sick, but you don't want me to stop, do you?"

Athena shook her head.

"Well," I said, "then we should both be happy." Then I leaned in and kissed her. It was soft, and I could tell right away that she was inexperienced even at this. She wrapped her arms around my neck to hold me in place, and she was powerful for her size. I let my hands drift to her waist. I pulled away from her, and she chased the kiss, but I wouldn't let her.

"Hey," I said, slightly out of breath, "we need to talk about something."

"No more talk, just...um..." Athena said, too flustered to say the words.