Athena's Dance

"What haven't you been telling me, Ath?"

My stomach was in knots. I had to know.

"Od, just...just give me a second."

"Ath. Please."

My sister sighed. It was heavy with sorrow.

"I...I have cancer, Od. Leukemia, to be specific."

"Oh my god," I said, feeling the world shifting under me. "The fainting. The weight loss...oh...no. How long have you known?"

"Since right after Grandfather's funeral."

"What? Why didn't you tell me? I don't..."

Ath stepped closer to me, now, putting her hands on my chest. I suppose that might have been bad for our mother to see, but I knew that she wasn't watching. She wouldn't have wanted to witness this conversation, having experienced her own version of it.

"Od," Ath said softly, "I love you. The night after the show, I was going to tell you what the diagnosis would probably be. I was even thinking of asking you to come along..."

"Why didn't you?"

"You know why," Ath said, whisper-quiet, looking up at me, the faintest hint of a smile appearing on her face. God, she was so thin. How hadn't I seen this coming? "I told you my truth, and you told me yours, and things went differently than either of us expected."

"Fuck, that's...I don't..."

I was crying now. Not sobs, just small streaks of grief.

"Od, please. Please don't hate me. I wanted this to be something that you could remember. This time we had. That we still have. I didn't want this hovering over everything. I'm going to treatment. It's not like I don't have a chance. I'm not dead yet."

"Wait. Can I donate bone marrow to you? I've read about that before, and..."

"No, Od. I mean, maybe, you might be compatible. It's still a little early for that, though. It hasn't been that long, and...and there's always a risk to you because you have Mom's condition."

"Oh, so now you're making medical decisions for me, too? It's a minor issue, it doesn't mean anything."

It wasn't minor, and I knew that, but I didn't care. I'd do a lot worse than lie to my sister if it would have saved her life.

"I won't let you risk your life for mine. I know that you would, but I won't allow it. So drop it."

"Goddammit, Ath, this is so fucking unfair."

Ath laughed. It was so cold and bitter and lonely that I held her then. I simply did not care how it might have looked to anyone else.

"That's what I've been saying," she said softly, before holding me back just as firmly.

* * *

We still went out. I was in my relaxed sport coat and Ath in a cute red dress that hugged her body just right. To the rest of the world, we probably looked like a couple that loved each other, but that was currently having a spat. I suppose we were.

We didn't speak much in the car but held hands until our palms were sweaty and uncomfortable. We didn't end up going anywhere fancy, in the end. Just a cafe somewhere out of the way. Ath waited until the food showed up to get serious again.

"Od, I'm sorry, but I have to ask you something."

I sighed. It wasn't in exasperation, but sorrow.

"What can I do?"

"I want to give you power of attorney. I have a living will already, but I'm afraid that Mom and Dad won't honor it."

"Jesus, Ath...I..."

"I know, Od. But I don't want to end up a shell, just sitting there in a hospital bed, dead to the world, not allowing anyone to get on with their lives."

I met her eyes.

"So, you want me to be the one to kill you?"

"No, I want you to be the one that lets me go. I'm not asking you to do anything rash. Only if I'm brain dead, and even then only if Mom and Dad won't do what I've already asked of them. It's important to me."

"Fine," I said, just wanting the conversation to be over. I wasn't lying, either. I understood why she worried and would probably have asked for the same consideration were our positions reversed. I didn't have to be happy about it, though.

Ath smiled at me, then. Perhaps there was a bit of sorrow in it, but it was real, nonetheless, and it made my heart beat faster. Even after everything that had happened over the past few hours, she had that power over me.

* * *

As I got into the car, I was surprised to find Ath's hand on crotch almost immediately, rubbing it up and down, bringing it to life faster than any woman had ever been able to. She bit her lip, and I could see the excitement in her eyes.

"I'll find a place to park," was all that I could say. After driving for what seemed like an hour but was more like two minutes, I found a small park that was perfect. We were in a safe suburb. The worst that could happen was that we'd get caught by a cop, and neither of us cared that much.

"You're my husband," Ath said, simply, as she unzipped my fly and fished my cock out. I pushed the driver's seat back. She was small, and there was plenty of space for our purposes.

"Yes," I said, "and you're my wife." It all seemed to make sense now. Ath's jumping ahead to these words, this need for total commitment. I had thought it was mere possessiveness, jealousy even. It wasn't. It was just that there wasn't any time to spare for courtship.

"God, I love your cock," Ath said dreamily as she hitched her dress up and pulled the gusset of her panties over to the side.

"In a bit of a rush, are we?"

"Shut up," Ath said, giggling as she straddled me. She aligned the head of my cock to her labia and slid up and down a few times, enjoying the groan that I made in response, but then she looked me in the eye and impaled herself on it. She was ruthless with herself, and I winced as I saw the expression on her face as she forced me inside of her.

"Ah...ah, that's what I need."

"Ath, don't hurt yourself."

"Maybe I deserve it," she said, as she started riding me. "Maybe I'm a lying little brother-fucking slut, and I deserve to be punished. I certainly don't deserve the kind of pleasure you give me."

"Don't say that, Ath. Please," I was aroused at the idea of spanking her maybe, but the rest of it disturbed me.

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"I was so desperate for you. I still am. I won't ever stop being that way. I lied so I could be the girl you wanted, and I lied because I love the way you see me."

"Fuck, Ath..." I was moving beyond the capacity for words. She was clearly excited as well, so I wasn't sure how she was managing.

"You see me as pure and beautiful, and I can see it in your eyes, even right now, while you're fucking me. It makes me want to be that girl for you, Od. I want..I want to be a better person for you."

My hands slid up under her dress, and I thumbed her clit, making her gasp and lean forward, kissing me, finally. My free hand squeezed her tight ass harshly, and she started rolling her hips faster, grinding more, breathing hard.

"You...you are beautiful and pure. You're better than I deserve, Ath. Cum for me. Cum on my cock. Let me hear you cum."

Ath did let me hear her. And probably the rest of the parking lot and anyone living nearby. She started with a few little yelps and cries, but as she moved faster and faster, her body went more and more rigid. Finally, she wrapped her arms around my neck as if only I were keeping her afloat, and she cried out, air forced from her lungs in a series of desperate, animalistic noises. At last, she fell limp against me, her energy spent, her noises more like sobs. I held her like that for a long time, still inside of her, still hard, just rubbing her back and stroking her hair.

Suddenly moments like this meant a lot more to me.

"You didn't cum," Ath said, forlorn. I giggled. "What's so funny? I just want my brother to be happy."

"You sounded like a girl who dropped her ice cream cone."

"Well, getting filled with your cum is important to me. It lets me know how much you love me."

"Get in the back seat, and I'll show you right now."

With almost hilarious speed, she climbed over the center console and went to the back. Thank god for SUVs. I followed her back and pushed her forward until she was bent over the bench seat, ass up in the air. I pushed her dress back up and pulled her panties down. She was so vulnerable like that, so perfect. She looked back over her shoulder at me, eager, unsure. I entered her again, and this time I didn't worry about her well-being as much.

"I need you, Ath. I need you, and I need your pussy, and I can't imagine being without you. I hate that you lied to me, but I love you, and I won't stop."

I was fierce with her, but not truly rough. I knew what she liked, and she knew what I needed. Right now, I needed to punish her, even if only a little.

"That's it, fuck me. Fuck me, Od. Punish me. Use me. Make your little sister into your little slut."

Ath had picked up dirty talk pretty damn quick. I was over the edge very quickly, cumming in her, filling her as deeply as possible, my hands on her waist, holding her in place. For a bit, we were quiet like that, just panting in the car. Then I pulled out and helped rearrange her panties and her dress. We got back into our own seats, strangely quiet, if relaxed. We were both thinking about the same things but in different ways.

"I can't even stand to think about the idea of you dying, Ath. I...I don't know what I'd do."

Ath reached out and held my hand.

"I won't lie to you anymore. I won't keep any of it from you. It's serious, but nothing is set in stone. If anything, what we have has been helping more than you know."

"Does my cum have some secret healing power?"

Ath giggled.

"No, dummy. Making love to you gives me life, Od. That's what keeps me going. Knowing that you're there and that you love me."

* * *

Over the next few weeks, I learned more than I ever wanted to know about leukemia and its complications, as well as the process of attaining Durable Power of Attorney over someone else. Athena had done her research, and she made sure I was the person who made the final medical decisions in the event of her incapacitation. Also, over her objections, I gave samples to her oncologist for blood marrow compatibility screening, as did our parents. Only I ended up being a potential donor.

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Two Ravens And One Howl
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Athen grew sicker, but slowly. The doctors started her on some new drugs and hoped to avoid using chemo unless (until) she got much worse. She grew weaker and thinner and more tired. We spent less time making love. Instead, we'd just hang out. Sometimes she'd insist on getting me off although she wasn't interested in sex, just because she wanted to make me happy.

It wasn't the end, but you could see it from there.

* * *

I was dreaming, and I knew it. That was odd. I never knew I was dreaming.

I opened my eyes. I was in my old room at home. It was the same as it had been in my senior year of high school. Same Misfits poster on the wall. Same shitty computer that could barely run my favorite music composition and image manipulation programs. I didn't check, but I was sure that the same directory full of artsy porn of girls with athletic bodies would be hidden on my C:\ drive. Thinking about it now, my tastes back then did sort of give me away.

I jerked suddenly to my right, as if in reaction to a noise. But the sound happened after I looked. The window was open and a loud fluttering and cawing issued from outside as two huge ravens landed on the sill.

They stared at me, eyes alien but not menacing. I knew that one read my mind while the other sifted through my memories. They were my friends, and this was typical for them.

After all this strangeness, I was unsurprised to see my grandfather sitting at the edge of my bed. His magnificent mane of hair and beard still made him look like a combination of Karl Marx and a wild man who'd just come in from the woods. He winked at me.

"You died," I told him, "I miss you."

He grinned grimly, and I knew that he missed me as well, although he would not say it.

"You and your sister have been busy, lad."

I blushed, already trying to construct an excuse or a narrative. There wasn't one, and it didn't matter. It was a dream, and my grandfather knew the truth.

"We're in love," I said with a note of defiance.

"I know. I didn't come here to judge you or tell you that you were right or wrong. Maybe were I alive, I might have tried to persuade you of one thing or another, but I am not. I have the wisdom of the shades now, though it tastes like ash in my mouth."

"Why are you here, then?"

"Because you are in a great deal of danger. I felt the need to warn you of it."

"I'm not in danger. Ath is. She's going to die, you know."

It was apparently much more natural to speak of these things in dreams. Grandfather nodded and grimaced. We all loved Athena. She was our light.

"She's close to the threshold, it is true. Do you wish to follow her?"

Just like him to get right to the point. I'd been dancing around it, in my grief and helplessness and rage. The word sat there, unused but lurking in my brain. Suicide.

"Yes. I mean, no. But yes, I've thought about it. I know how awful it would be for Mom and Dad, but...I just don't know if I'm that kind of strong. How do you go on after losing someone like her?"

To my surprise, Grandfather said nothing to dissuade me, although I knew that he loved me and did not wish me to die. Perhaps he knew it would be futile. Or maybe he was craftier than I gave him credit for, even while he was dead.

"Athena was the goddess of wisdom, as you well know. Do you remember what your namesake did for wisdom?"

"Are you saying I should gouge my eye out?"

Grandfather shook his head grimly.

"No. That was a simple trade, one form of sight for another. This is deeper than that."

"Didn't he...hang himself?"

Grandfather nodded and smiled a wolf grin.

"He hung himself from the tree of Yggdrasil, and then wounded himself with his own spear. He stayed there for nine nights, without eating or drinking. He did it for the runes. For the sacred wisdom. Athena is your wisdom. What would you do for her?"

I thought about it, but only briefly. I wasn't brave, not really. I was in love.

"Anything. I'd do anything for Ath. Just tell me what to do, please. I'm desperate. I'm losing my mind. I can't sleep or think. I can't lose her!"

I was aware of the growing panic in my voice. I stopped and tried to breathe deeply. I couldn't fight it, so I just let it pass. It would be back again soon.

"I'm not here to tell you anything. You will have a terrible choice ahead. I merely wanted you to be aware of it so that it would not pass you by. When you hear the wolves, you'll know the time. Do what you think you must, but don't forget that you are mortal."

"Goddammit, I know that I have a choice ahead of me! I don't want it. Don't you understand? I don't want to let her go!"

But he was gone, and I was awake. There were no crows in my window, and I had gained no wisdom.

* * *

The end of everything started on a Tuesday. I was supposed to pick Ath up later that evening. I was going to take her to see an arthouse horror movie, then maybe we'd go for a drive out along the riverside and make out. Very tame stuff, to be honest. We hadn't been having sex for some time, but that didn't matter to me. I would take every moment that she would give me.

I was buying Ath something to read at a used bookstore that we both liked when my phone buzzed. My heart dropped into a bottomless void as I read the message. It was a text from Dad. One line, no clarifications. None were needed.

Ath collapsed. Mom rode with her in ambulance. Meet us at hospital.

* * *

I found my way to the ICU waiting room much more quickly this time around. Mom hugged me, hard, as Dad put his hand on my shoulder.

"Where is she?" I was sure that they wouldn't let us visit her yet, but I had to know that she was still alive.

"They're doing something to stabilize her," Dad said. "The person in charge of Athena's treatment is Dr. Fredricks. She works out of this hospital. I know that they called her."

"We just have to wait until the tests come back," Mom added. "There's nothing more we can do until then."

So we waited. We talked about everything and nothing. We joked about things Athena had done as a little girl and spoke of her plans for the future as if she had one.

I would never have said it to their faces, but I felt deep sorrow for my parents. Of the two of their children, Athena was the most special. She shone the brightest and gave the most over herself. She deserved to live, not me.

Maybe it was my bias, but I could see my family recover from losing me, but not her. That was what reminded me of Athena's dodgy answers to my questions about marrow donations, and my dream.

A choice was coming. I had to be ready.

* * *

It felt like hours, but I knew that we waited for much less.

"I'm Dr. Fredricks. Will you come with me?"

She was younger than I expected, maybe in her early thirties, and her professional demeanor combined with her kind eyes made me feel at least a little better. I could believe that this doctor cared for my Athena, and that was important. Soon we entered a small office, neat and tidy, but it felt cramped with all of us in there.

"This is Dr. Roman. He's consulting on the surgical side of things. I know we haven't met, but as I said, I'm Dr. Fredricks. I've been managing Athena's condition, and I'm afraid that things have gotten significantly worse, and much more quickly than we anticipated."

"How could this happen?" Dad's voice was angry, indignant even. Mom took his hand, and he relaxed just a bit. I understood where he was coming from. Dr. Fredricks turned around and looked out the window briefly before answering. I followed her gaze. A woman was outside, walking her dogs, white huskies that looked like they could have been litter-mates. I envied her comfortable stride and simple smile.

"I've seen people get worse and better with some speed," Dr. Fredricks said, finally. "I've never anything like this. It's possible that your daughter's condition is presenting differently than normal leukemia, or even that it has a unique cause that we haven't found. In any case, it's my responsibility. We were trying a prototype drug that had some success if given early on. It hadn't had much of an impact, and I was about to recommend that we start standard chemotherapy, but Athena wanted to hold off."

"What? Why would she do that?" Now it was Mom's turn to be confused and upset. I understood, however. Athena hadn't been lying to any of us, not really. If we paid attention to how she acted, we'd have figured it out.

"She didn't think she was going to live," I said simply. "She wanted her remaining time to be...to be as memorable as possible."

We were all silent after that. Dr. Roman broke the silence.

"That being said, Athena hadn't committed to anything yet, and she has not regained consciousness since she collapsed. She did not instruct us in her treatment beyond following the will of her medical guardian. I suppose that it comes down to how you would like us to proceed."

"Obviously, we want you to save her," Mom said, a trifle annoyed, before she looked up and noticed that Dr. Fredricks was speaking not to her, but to me.