Babydoll Ch. 22

Everyone else in the family had stepped forward and stood behind us as we presented John to Pastor Bob. Pastor Bob held John and asked me to answer questions and make declarations on John's behalf.

Pastor Bob brought us to prayer and alluded to my duties as John's godparent and then we prayed for John, who seemed cool to the situation. We were asked to reject the devil and rebellion against God... to renounce deceit and the corruption of evil... to repent of the sins that separate us from God and fellow man... to accept Christ as our savior... to submit to Christ as the Lord... and to come to Christ as the way, the truth and the life.

With that Pastor Bob handed John back to Ashley and made a proclamation, "We welcome Johnathon Robert Jameson into our Church family, as a child of Christ." He continued, "Christ is the foundation of our belief and he said that the Church is his bride. We are all family. Welcome to the family John."

I have to admit that I felt guilty, because of the sin that had created this baby, but he was so precious and beautiful. How could I feel guilty about anything when it came to him? And how could I repudiate my love for Ashley? I couldn't.

The ceremony was over and it was time to head home. Ashley and I headed separate ways, with her heading out with Mitch and me heading to my own car with Jill. I felt I had ignored Jill on this afternoon, but I hadn't meant to. She was really quiet and reserved on the way home. After a few minutes traveling down the highway home I had to ask, "Are you alright?"

"Yeah," she responded in a meek fashion.

"What's up?" I wondered.

"Nothing..." she seemed to search for something to say. "Well it's just you have hardly spoken to me today."

I apologized, "I'm sorry... I've just had a lot on my mind."

"About?" she hesitated seeking a response the way women often do.

"Worrying about nothing I guess," I couldn't ever tell her the truth and what did it matter at this point any way.

Jill went back to her sullen mood and it wasn't long before we were back at the house. We both headed inside and changed into more casual clothes to relax. I headed to the living room, while Jill remained in my room to read and study for school.

I turned on the football game and sat in a stupor. The football game was more background noise than anything. Jill and I were the only people in the house. Apparently, Mama had decided to hang out with Joe for the evening. I didn't know where Ash and Mitch had headed to, but I figured that she would be home before long.

I was right, because about 4:30pm, Ash came in the door carrying little John in his car seat cradle. Mitch had walked Ash in to make sure she was inside alright, made sure to say hello to me and then excused himself with a goodbye. I think he didn't want to be an unwelcomed imposition upon Ashley. Like I said, she obviously considered him a friend and not a boyfriend. I mean she didn't even hug him goodbye. She thanked him for coming to the christening and then he was gone.

Ashley stood in the middle of the room, "Where's Jill?"

"Studying," I answered in a simple fashion.

"Oh," she seemed to want to say more, but didn't.

I looked in her eyes wanting to speak, but couldn't really find the words.

She continued, "I'm going to put John upstairs to take a nap, OK."

I nodded in reply as she turned, took John, and headed upstairs.

I sat, basically continuing in my stupor, for a few minutes, thinking. I couldn't get the circumstances off of my mind.

I had to let Ash know. I had told her before, but she had to know (to acknowledge), that I was going to take care of her. This was my fault. I was going to explode if I held it inside. It weighed on me so. I headed upstairs to her room.

I entered the room where Ashley stood gazing at little John, while he seemed to be returning her stare. "Ash," I spoke quietly as I entered her room.

She turned as I approached the crib, speaking subtly and intuitively, "You don't need to say anything Jimmy. I know... I know you are going to take care of us."

I felt the weight of the world lift for a moment, because it didn't feel like she was being dismissive. It felt like she was acknowledging my love and that meant everything to me. I was doing it to myself out of guilt for my crime, which had been a crime of passion.

Ashley picked up Little John and handed him to me. I felt so human... so vulnerable. It brought tears to my eyes. I was cradling him with Ashley standing next to me. She had her arm around my waist and was looking between John and I. There was a certain amount of comfort, while we stood together with our son. There was a special bond in the room at the moment, a light hearted love filled the air.

I noticed a presence as Jill walked in the room. She was standing there and staring with a blank expression looking at all of us, "That boy is your son, isn't he?" she mocked.

"What are you talking about?" I stared at her seriously as Ashley looked on with fear and trepidation.

"IT'S OBVIOUS?" Jill mocked.

I continued staring in disbelief with my hands full with John. There were no gestures I could make and what could I say.

"SEE! You're not denying it," she continued.

"Shhh!" I implored. With that paranoia that someone else might hear her.

"I knew it... I knew it," She laughed and cried hysterically. "OH MY GOD! Oh my God... I knew it."

"Keep your voice down," I begged.

"Uhnn-Uhhh," she pointed in admonition, as if she were losing it.

Ashley took John from me, almost in a protective mode, and laid him in his crib as I addressed Jill, "Jill, you can't say anything."

She looked at Ashley, "I knew it..." as she continued the hysterics, " Ohhh my god... Ohh my god..."

I walked towards Jill, but she receded as though she didn't want anything to do with me...

"Fine... I can't believe this shit's going on... I can't believe this..." as she turned and walked through the door.

I looked at Ashley, who had risen up after placing John in the crib, "I've got to go after her."

"I know..." Ash said looking scared, "You've gotta get her to settle down."

Jill had run out the front door and was sitting on the front steps crying when I caught up with her. I sat down next to her, but knew better than to touch her, "Jill, I'm so sorry... Never in a million years would I ever want to hurt you."

"I'm sitting here putting it all together. I knew it, but I dismissed it... You fucked your own sister," she said with contempt.

"Shhhh," I plead. "Let's go inside. It's getting cold out here." The sun wasn't long for disappearing below the horizon on the clear skied, late fall day.

Ignoring me she continued, "Why? Does it embarrass you?" she ridiculed me with a contorted gesture.

"Yes. It's not something to be taken lightly." I affirmed.

(Jill) - "You didn't fucking think about that when you were fucking her."

(Jim) - "Let's go inside."

(Jill) - "You didn't think it was wrong to fuck your sister."

(Jim) - "It just happened."

"Puuuhhh-lease" she puffed. "This is so fucked up."

"I know. I never meant to hurt you. I never want to hurt you." I couldn't help trying to put my arm around her as she slid away from my embrace, "I'll admit. I loved her more than any brother should ever love his sister and I'm gonna pay the consequences... I'm sure you hate me for being a freak."

"No," she wouldn't look at me, "I could never hate you. I just need some space... I gotta get out of here... I need your car. Let me have your keys."

(Jim) - "You need a jacket."

(Jill) - "I'll fucking be fine."

(Jim) - "You won't do anything rash?... I do love you."

(Jill) - "No, I just need to go think... alone."

I handed her my keys and she took them and went to my car. She got in and backed out and took off. I half looked up, while continuing to sit on the steps, as the tail lights escaped down the road. A terrible sense of shame washed over me.

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I was sitting in the dark of the basement, listening to some of those old love songs I'll listen to when I have the blues. It was amazing how the tears flowed while listening to Brenda Russell's Piano in the Dark. It had been five hours since Jill had left and Who wouldn't wonder if she was going to take off under the circumstances.

She was my fiancée. We were only a few months away from getting married. It was a marriage arranged and forced on me by my grandfather, but I was used to the idea now. I was used to the normalcy that Jill had brought to my life. I didn't want to lose that.

Suddenly, I sensed a presence as I looked at those familiar doors to the entrance of the room where we had all peered around before at one time or another. Jill looked around solemnly and then walked towards me.

I'm sure she saw my tear stained face, as I spoke, "I wondered if you'd be back. I'm so sorry. Now it's my turn to beg you not to leave me... please don't leave me."

(Brenda Russell's beautiful song continued in the background, "He holds me close like a thief of the heart... He plays a melody... Born to tear me all apart... The silence is broken... And no words are spoken but oh...")

Jill sat next to me and placed a finger to my lips, "I always wondered about the crazy stuff... I asked you, now I understand why you wouldn't say anything. It's all come together now... You're sadness was for Ash. When we were here last Christmas, I sensed there was something funny going on and I couldn't put my finger on it."

She paused before continuing in a soft tone, "I now understand how much you love her and I don't know if you can give me that kind of love... It makes me feel like I've wasted my time... Like you'd leave me... Like we wouldn't work out."

I began bawling, "I do want to be with you Jilly... I do want you... You are so easy to be with... You make me feel good about myself... about us."

She put her finger back to my lips, "I was riding around this evening and the things you have said, and not said, they all fit like a puzzle now," a tear rolled down her cheek as she embraced me, "I can't leave you. I want you. I don't want to be apart from you. You are the man I want... we are good for each other... I'm willing to fight through it all to keep you." With that she came up into my lap, "I just want you to hold me."

She put her arms around me and laid her head in the crook of my neck. I thought she was going to fall asleep there, but then she whispered in my ear, "I've invested a lot of time in you. I know most relationships don't last forever, but you are who I want to be with. I only had a couple of boyfriends before you. For the most part I feel like we are on the same wavelength... we get each other, we want the same things. I just don't want you to leave me and I don't want you to cheat on me."

I kissed her temple, "I don't wanna do that either... I do love you... you make my life easy. You've always been there for me. I don't wanna lose that... I don't wanna lose you."

We both sat there saying nothing. I tried to meditate it all out of my mind and just live in the moment. Eventually we both laid down on the sofa and fell asleep. It was the next morning before we awoke. A fresh day, but everything was still there. Everything, all of the reality, all of the emotions were going to have to be dealt with. And that cast a pall over my spirit the moment I came to consciousness.

I got up and went upstairs. It was apparent that my mother had never come home. She had to have stayed at Joe's, which felt like a good thing. I so wanted her to be happy. I started up the coffee pot, making a full pot for whoever would want some. It wasn't long before the coffee was ready. I fixed a pan of scrambled eggs, link sausage, and several slices of toast. I got two of the large coffee cups and filled one for Jill with the touch of cream she likes and filled my own with cream and sugar the way I like it.

It was a little past 9am when I got back downstairs. We'd both had plenty of sleep, but the emotional trauma of the day before left both of us mentally exhausted. Jill's eyes were open as I handed her the coffee and she sat up to sip it. I sat beside her and gulped mine down the way I do. Jill spoke, "Would Ashley mind if I went upstairs to look at that little boy?"

(Jim) - "No, I don't think so..."

Jill put her coffee down and arose from the sofa. I followed her as we walked upstairs to Ash's room.

Ashley was tending to him as we entered the room. As we entered the room, Ash had a blank stare on her face, apparently trying to read the situation.

Jill approached Little John and asked, "May I hold him?"

Ashley gave a slight smile looking at Jill first and then towards me as she handed John to her. Jill held him as though he were her own and she was looking at him for the first time. This made my heart melt. No one said a word for several moments before Jill apologized, "I'm sorry for the way I acted yesterday... I know I scared you. I was scared myself. I don't know what to say."

Ashley stood beside her, "I'm sorry. I know this is weird and I'll be embarrassed about it the rest of my life, but I do love that boy and..." she looked towards me, "I do love you Jimmy." She shook her head, "But what we did was wrong on so many levels..." She trailed off and put her arm around Jill, "And you are the one for my big brother. I knew that when I met you and I love you and I want you to be in our family."

Ashley turned and hugged Jill tilting her head down into her shoulder as she held our son.

That was the setting that I will always remember. The four of us standing in that room. Little John didn't know anything, but we had come to an understanding. We were all going to put this behind us and move forward. To be unspoken was unspoken, but understood.

Jill and I would be heading back to school in just a few hours, but I wanted to wait until my mother got back home to say goodbye. We left the room and headed back to my own to pack our bags. Ash did her best to stay out of the way, because even with an understanding there was a lot of awkwardness in the air. She had turned into a bit of a recluse, which was understandable, but it certainly needed to stop. I didn't want it to turn into some kind of mental state.

Everyone had some breakfast on the run. Mama finally made it home at 11am. Joe had dropped her off and left without coming in. She was wearing her dress from the day before, but looked a bit disheveled. Jill had asked me in the privacy of my room if my mother knew about the situation and I was as honest as I could be.

I told her that 'Mama didn't know. The only person that really knew was Big Daddy and he had made all of the arrangements to keep it all quiet.' I pleaded with her, 'I know this is crazy... Please don't bring this up with him or anyone... I've made my entire family vulnerable, and you, I've put you in a precarious position. I wouldn't blame you if you left me.'

Throughout the morning, Jill had given me knowing looks, shy looks, vulnerable looks, angry looks, and sorrowful looks. The one thing she was having a hard time doing was looking me in the eye. My nerves never really settled. I knew our relationship would never be the same. I wondered if the damage of the revelation had made our relationship irreconcilable.

It was right at noon when Mama had had her shower and cleaned up, before coming to sit at the kitchen table and talk with us before we left. It wasn't long before we headed out to the car. Ash came out to see us off, hugging Jill and apologizing with a whisper. Ash looked like she wanted to hug me, but seemed to know better in Jill's presence with the current state of affairs.

The one thing I did tell her, "Ashley, I need you to do one thing for me. You have to get out of this house and back out in public." She nodded as I looked her dead in the eyes and leaned forward to kiss her cheek, not giving a damn what Jill or the rest of the world thought, because this girl meant more to me than anyone or anything ever had, "Please."

We headed out and my mind was still a million miles away, as was Jill's. For the most part, we were both quiet and reserved for the trip back. I set the cruise control as we headed down the I

nterstate, only stopping for a gas and bathroom break halfway through the trip. It was around 6pm when we arrived back at the apartment. I carried all of our stuff in and we both headed our separate ways under the guise that we needed to study and get ready for the upcoming week. Not to mention that finals would be in the next few weeks and Jill had to work. That is the way the holidays are. Events come rapid fire and there isn't much time to play around. With where Jill and I stood, that would either break us or we just might make it.

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The last week of November and the first half of December flew by like they always had. Jill and I didn't see one another all that much, but there was one thing that gave me hope. She hadn't left my bed. We hadn't had sex since we had been back and I wasn't going to push her.

This was definitely unusual for the two of us. It wasn't like we fucked like rabbits and I am definitely a quality over quantity guy when it comes to all of that. We always had our weekends, but Jill was dismissing me every time that I'd approach her in any kind of romantic fashion.

She'd let me kiss her, and sometimes she'd return them in a more than gracious manner, but it never went to the chemical stage. She was working all weekend during the holiday season. "I need the money and the weekends are the time to make it with all of the Christmas parties going on... I've got four exams coming up... just let me get through this," were the things she'd say.

She insisted that we spend Christmas with her parents and then we would head up to New York City to Time's Square to watch the ball drop. New York City was only about six hours away from her hometown. I was more than happy to oblige with her wish and everyone in my family was alright with it, but it would be the first Christmas that I would ever be away from home - another of life's evolutions.

We waited until December 23rd to head to Jill's parents house. The restaurant she worked in would be closed from Christmas Eve until the day after and Jill had already asked to go home, which the manager of the restaurant agreed to.

We had done our best to not allow the revelations of Thanksgiving to get in the way our relationship, but there was no two ways about it, it had. Jill was more reserved when it came to our personal relationship, but she wasn't overt about it. As we got closer to Christmas, I did what I could to be more expressive about my romantic intent. She needed to know I was still interested in her, even if she was going to be standoffish towards me.

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I had the car packed and ready to go for as soon as we woke up and had some coffee. We stopped and got a couple breakfast sandwiches and were on our way. This was only the second time that I had been to her home.

We hadn't seen her parents for a couple of months, since they came to our college hometown for a visit during football homecoming week in late October.

It was a cold grey wintry day and as we traveled north there was a light snow falling and some of it was coating the grass along the Interstate. We had left right after 9am and expected to arrive at Jill's house between 2pm and 3pm. The traffic was heavy on the day, so it was going to take longer than expected. About an hour into the trip, Jill reached over and took a hold of my hand and we held hands in the console. Her gesture gave me the continued hope that we could work through our issues.

I looked over at Jill as she returned my gaze, "Thank You... I love you."