Back to Back Pt. 05

Nat wasn't too happy about that. I think she could tell I was trying so she kept a lid on her dissatisfaction, but once I bailed she boiled over. I got chewed out for a solid hour. When things get emotionally tense, I shut down. Nat just kept going and was tuned out. It wasn't until Artie got home from class that I realized I should get proactive about calming her down. I told her I'd come up for Indigenous People's Day and that helped a little but I could tell she was still livid. Luckily, she picked up that Artie was around and had the wherewithal to not rip me a new one in front of other people. We got off the phone pretty quick after that. I figured she just needed a day to unwind.

I didn't really think about it at the time but honestly, I was just excited to get the whole weekend with Artie.

********

Artie

I couldn't remember the last time I had this much social interaction in such a short period of time. Miles is practically a people magnet. Sometimes I forgot I was the one who had spent a year here, and not him. Everywhere we went there was someone he knew from some class or club he was in. One time we got stopped by a bunch of people from the student council so they could talk to him. He wasn't on student council, I don't think he even knew anyone on student council. It didn't really bother me though, to me it made complete sense. Miles was so kind and welcoming to everyone. He's huge, but he's not imposing. He's handsome but modest. He's intelligent, but not condescending. I could go on and on, and it all shows somehow. So yeah, people like him. And by proxy, I've met so many people. I lost count of the number of times I heard 'Miles, this is your roommate!', or 'So this is Artie!' they always just knew. It honestly made me laugh, because of Miles people are calling me Artie again. And so I'd be drawn into those painful introductory conversations where you basically just exchange identifying information. Over the weeks though they got so much less tedious. I wouldn't quite say enjoyable, but less tedious? Definitely.

I seriously don't know where he finds the energy to constantly be doing the most for others. We literally go to sleep and wake up at the same time. If I'm being honest though he always wakes up before I do. Somehow he always manages to seamlessly balance obligations to others, his school work, and then spending the rest of his waking hours hanging out with me. Sometimes I worry that I hold him back. He's perpetually doing a million things at a time, and part of me felt like if he didn't feel obligated to involve me then he could be doing a million and a half things.

But slowly, I started to get used to spending so much time around people I didn't really know. It was an extremely awkward process, especially at first. There was a lot of standing around the edges of rooms or sitting at the end of tables trying to seem like I was participating. Miles was so courteous about it, too. He didn't rub in my face I was clueless, he would just take me along with him instructing me about how to go about myself without really even acknowledging it. In the span of a few weeks, I met almost all of the brothers in the fraternity and had at least a small exchange of words with them. Out of all of them, only a few of them I could remember really being a disaster but since then I've reintroduced myself. I wouldn't say I lacked confidence before, I think I offer a lot. I think it's that I've never felt entitled to taking up space, socially. Through my weird sort of exposure therapy, those moments were slowly being erased and then replaced with all the acquaintances Miles and I have been accumulating. It wasn't uncommon for us to be addressed as a unit, Miles and Artie/Artie and Miles. When I showed up places without him, people would first ask where the other half was.

Normally after a few weeks of such constant motion, I'd be completely and utterly depleted. Miles could sense when I was reaching the end of my rope though. He could tell when I was just whinging to be lazy versus when I genuinely needed a break. Not quite sure how but I didn't question it. On those days he was quick to laze around with me, which I greatly appreciated. Lazing around isn't quite the same when you've gotten used to doing it with a two-hundred-twenty-pound space heater next to you. And for a person with so much muscle, he honestly made a really good body pillow. He never had a problem allowing me to dictate our position to maximize my own comfort. Completely accommodating.

Okay, sometimes he would act all fussy about having enough space or whatever, but then he would pull me to him as close as possible.

Having Miles with me was kind of like keeping a portable charger for my social battery. Miles' excitement about the seemingly endless things to do was contagious. It was hard not to share in his exuberance. I've lived here my whole life, the town I grew up in was thirty miles away from campus. Both my parents went here, so I've been coming to this campus for community events since I was little. I think I've been overexposed to the environment. Miles moved away for a long time, and when he came back he brought with him a fresh perspective. Things like the agricultural college, which had a barn and some grounds that were open to students and sometimes the public. I'd been there so many times growing up and had written it off, but Miles dragged me there and it was completely different than how I remembered. There were so many new animals, and a petting zoo, there were even exhibits like a museum that commemorated the strides the university had taken in agriculture since its inception. I was thoroughly impressed, and I had a great time that day. Afterward, he bought us ice cream from the campus creamery... That was a turning point for me. I realized then something very important.

If I go along with Miles places he might buy me ice cream.

He also always laughs at my jokes, and when people laugh at my jokes I morph into a completely different person. Sometimes I'm in that place when Miles is introducing me to someone and I can only imagine what their impression of me must be. But if it made Miles laugh it was worth it.

Overall, transitioning this year from summer break to a class schedule has gone way smoother than usual and I most definitely have Miles to thank for that.

There is one thing though. Conner.

I've been avoiding him like the plague since the party. He hadn't reached out to me or anything, but there were a couple of frat events where I could definitely see he was about to approach me. I quickly, but subtly, moved in the opposite direction. I've just been happily living in a state of willful ignorance. I already have enough on my plate as it is. I was feeling bold before the party, I guess. Now, in the light of day, not so much. It was fine. I was fine. To be frank, I've been too busy to even think about it.

It's been getting harder to ignore though, especially considering how comfortable Miles was naked. It was like every opportunity he had to be nude, he took. Too often I caught myself staring at his arms, or the dark, slightly curly hairs on his chest, or his dark pink nipples. I don't really blame him, If I had a body like his I'd be naked all the time too. Doesn't mean it wasn't making my life difficult. One time we were laying around in his bed after we were done for the day, and Miles yawned and stretched completely out on his back.

Totally normal. No big deal.

But then his shirt rode up at the same time as his jeans and underwear sank.

Still, not that big of a deal. They're just abs. All I noticed was that the tan line where his waistband should have been clearly proved he was from somewhere further south. But then I saw his happy trail, and my eyes followed it down straight to the top of his pubes. I could smell the faint scent of his skin and I felt my stomach flip. My breaths were going in and out short and fast, His hair looked so soft up close, and his skin looked so smooth. The way his lower abs were flexing and relaxing as he stretched had stolen my complete, undivided attention.

Miles suddenly stopped stretching and his arms fell to his sides, startling me enough to jump a little.

"My bad, did I hit you?" He said lazily.

"No, you're fine." I choked out. My throat was raspy from the mouth breathing Miles seemed to devolve me to.

So I took a long, cold shower.

That was the night I texted Conner.

********

The Sunday before Labor Day we had a big business frat brunch in town, and Conner and I made plans to hang out after. Miles was supposed to be out of town visiting Nat but he pulled last minute. I was surprised Miles bailed but who am I to judge? I've been so frazzled with such a busy schedule. I tried to plan it out so I'd have some time to myself to mentally prepare, but Miles threw a wrench in that plan in typical Miles fashion. He dragged me to the gym, then the grocery store, then the library, and on and on and on. So I had done about zero mental prep-work for the... date? That awaited me.

I took extra care while getting ready that day and I was thankful I had the brunch to blame it on. For whatever reason, in the depths of my soul, I felt Miles could not find out. It's not that I was worried he'd be homophobic or something. By the way he talks about people with atypical sexual and gender identities, he's of the school of thought: let consenting adults do what they want. But I could tell he deeply disapproved of Conner. He always had something to say about him. If he wasn't just overtly calling him names, he was insinuating something about Conner's intentions. I hadn't even told him I had plans after. I had no idea what to say. So instead, I said nothing at all.

The brunch went quickly. Too quickly. It was one of those times when you want something to last as long as possible so for some reason time feels as if it flies by. I had a ball of dread resting in the pit of my stomach where the French toast I had just eaten should have been, and my palms were drenched. Miles was starting to take notice of my weird fidgeting, too.

"Dude, are you good? Do you need to use the bathroom?"

"No, mom. I'm fine. Do YOU need to use the bathroom?" Good job, Artie. Redirect. I tried to still myself in my chair and forced myself to act normal. Now was probably a good time to figure out how to explain where I'm going. We always come and leave together from events like this.

"You're being weird. Not normal Artie weird."

"I take offense to that. Actually, no I don't. But I'm not being weird, YOU'RE being weird." Dang it, Artie. Too much deflection. But the words were anxiously tumbling out of me before I had the chance to stop them. I could not come up with a way to explain where I was going to Miles for the life of me.

"I'm hanging out with Conner after this."

Silence.

My body suddenly stilled, I could feel Miles' cloud of brooding from three feet away. I should have just made something up.

"Word."

Miles just went back to finishing his food and said nothing else. For the rest of the event. Radio silence. After we were done eating he quickly made his typical rounds and then left. I felt slightly hollow watching him walk out the door without saying goodbye. I felt like I was in trouble with my parents. Like I made a big mistake and I didn't even get to know what it was. I was expecting him to say something snarky, not give me the cold shoulder. I've never seen Miles so frosty.

"Ready to head out?" I had been standing around with a few of the brothers, just staring at the door when I heard Conner from beside me.

"Yeah, sure. What time does it start, again?"

"We have like thirty minutes and it's maybe a fifteen-minute walk."

When Conner suggested we see a movie and I immediately agreed. Limited conversation and two-hour time frame? Sounded great to me.

Plus, there was a new Star Wars out.

I like going to movies, but I can get fidgety sitting in one place for too long. I didn't really come to the movies for the movies, I came for the snacks. I guess I could eat snacks anytime but they just taste better at the movies. I don't know why, they just do. They could be bought from the store and snuck into the movies, and something about being in the theatre just made the experience so much better. I made Conner stop on the way so I could stock up and I meticulously decided what candy I should get. I had to be able to comfortably conceal it on my person and I was still wearing tight dress clothes from brunch. Ten minutes and thirteen dollars later I was ready to rumble.

We got to the theatre just as the movie was about to start. Sitting through an entire movie was enough of a challenge for me, I didn't need to tack previews and commercials onto that. So, I got in line for popcorn. If Conner wanted to go sit and wait, he could. I got a large popcorn for us and a large ICEE for myself. The blue one, of course. I guess Conner could have a sip, but it's mine, even if he stepped up to the counter last-minute and slid his card in the reader before I had a chance to.

I was hoping to get a seat closer to the front, but Conner immediately directed us to a few empty seats toward the back of the theatre. I think subconsciously the front of the theatre meant eyes on us, and if we had eyes on us Conner wouldn't make a move. Luckily though through the whole movie the most he did was put the armrest up and put his arm around me. It took a while but eventually, we found a comfortable position. I knew this 'date' was supposed to be about feeling my feelings out or whatever, but the whole time I couldn't help but compare Conner to Miles. Even the cuddling. It seemed like no matter what position Miles and I were in, we fit. But with Conner, it took several minutes of adjusting to achieve even minimal relaxation.

Conner and I ate our snacks and sipped on my ICEE. Once I got my sugar fix I felt a lot more generous and I let Conner have as much as he wanted. Occasionally, we'd whisper to each other about the movie, making snarky remarks. These new Star Wars movies were trash but I was going to keep giving them my money.

By the time the movie ended, I was much more comfortable. Besides the cuddling at the movies, it felt like a regular hang-out. Conner was nice and easy to make conversation with. I was having a good time, but those feelings I get with Miles sometimes were nowhere to be found. No reaction to the body contact at the movies. I was getting the feeling I was going to have to do more than just spend some time with a guy to really figure myself out. When Conner invited me back to his place, I agreed. If Conner made a move I was going to let him. I was going to figure out if I liked it or not, and that would be that. This all could be put to rest and I could move on with my life. We took an Uber back to campus and the whole way I was hyping myself up with those thoughts in mind.

We talked to his roommates for a little while when we got back. All of them were brothers in the fraternity so we had a debriefing session basically about all the important people that were at the brunch. I could tell Conner was itching to get me alone and my anxiety slowly rose.

You got this, Artie.

He invited me up to his room to "play switch" but I knew what was really about to go down. I'm not completely oblivious.

We were sitting in his bed playing Mariokart and I had beaten Conner for maybe the fifth time in a row when things suddenly got real. We had just finished the race and Conner was sulking as I celebrated sweeping him. He turned his head to me and caught my eye. I could feel the energy shift in the room and suddenly the space between us felt tenser. Everythin felt quieter. And slower.

He leaned closer to me as his eyes shifted from my left one to my right, searching for any sign of reluctance. When he found none his eyes dropped to my lips. His tongue popped out and wet his bottom lip quickly as he tilted his head forward. I held strong and reminded myself of all the confusing, shameful moments I'd been having.

I took a deep breath.

Conner slowly leaned forward and I felt his breath softly puff along my cheeks. It smelled like blue raspberry. Nervousness welled up inside me the closer he got and his half-lidded eyes weren't helping any.

Alright, it's go time.

I closed my eyes and relaxed my tense muscles. I felt his presence grow nearer and nearer.

My hands came up to his shoulders and pushed them away softly.

His eyes shot open and his face colored significantly. I immediately felt guilty but I just couldn't do it. Being upfront with him would be a lot less painful than participating in a kiss I didn't want, for both of us.

"I'm sorry Conner, I don't think I can do this." Disappointment flashed across his face briefly and left just as soon. He shook his head.

"Don't worry about it, I said no pressure and I meant it." He flashed a smile that seemed genuine. I was relieved.

"I appreciate it, really, thank you."

"No worries, at all." A silence stretched out between us that wasn't necessarily uncomfortable, but it certainly wasn't pleasant.

"But if you don't mind me asking, why did you say yes?" Conner had laid down flat on his back, and he adressed the ceiling.

A long sigh escaped me as my shoulders fell inward. How honest should I be?

"Well... It's a long story."

"Okay... So give me the abridged version." Right. Just formulate my experience into a coherent timeline and share the homosexual feelings I've been having toward my heterosexual roommate. Piece of cake.

But If I really thought about it, Conner is the only gay person I knew. Or at least the only person I knew for sure was attracted to the same sex. If I was going to get good advice from anyone, it was probably him. Once I realized that he'd understand, the words rushed out of me.

"So I've dated girls and gotten to second base and stuff a couple of times and I enjoyed it, or so I thought, but all of the sudden I've been having feelings toward guys and I asked my sister what she thought and she told me I should 'get out there' and 'see what I like' so when you asked me out I thought why not?"

Once I got to the part about the rapid onset of my feelings his face softened and his eyebrows relaxed. He took a moment, then replied softly.

"I see. I'm glad you told me, Arthur. And I'm glad your sister was supportive, but that was some shit advice." Ouch. I thought it was good advice.

"How so?"

"Well, you get put into positions like this, where you have to manage unwanted advances without an idea of what it is you're even looking for. Not to mention the guys like me, who think they're going out on a date with someone who's interested when in actuality we're just... an experiment." When he put it like that I felt like such a piece of crap. I totally led him on. My face fell into my hands.

"I'm so sorry! I didn't even think of it that way."

"It's no big deal! Seriously, I promise I'm not upset. I know you had no ill intent. I'm just saying" Somehow it was worse he was being understanding about it. I wish he'd chew me out or something so I could feel valid in mistreating him. But no, he had to handle it like the mature and rational adult I should have been.

"Well, what would you suggest I do?"

"Dude... Porn. What else?" His tone was as if he was explaining something so rudimentary. But honestly, maybe it was. I should have thought of that.

"I feel like such an idiot."

"You've never liked anyone? Or anything?"

"I have!" I was feeling really foolish and I think it put me on the defensive. I cooled down for a moment, then continued.

"Well, I thought I did until this semester."

"Oh. I mean. That's..." He didn't finish his sentence.

"I know. Weird."

"No, I wasn't going to say that. No judgment, It's different for everyone." Sounded familiar.