Backcountry

It wasn't until she broke up with her boyfriend that Mila understood how heavy she had felt. She had loved him and she was heartbroken for a while, but she was young and they both understood that they needed to experience new things with new people. When they split, the freedom was a bit overwhelming. She didn't have to think about him anymore, to consider him in her decision-making. She could eat what she wanted, do what she wanted, watch whatever shows or movies she wanted. She could leave at the drop of a hat and return whenever she liked.

It's not that he was controlling, quite the opposite, but Mila was a very considerate and empathetic person and she worked hard to make him happy and to make the relationship run smoothly. Doting was something she'd always done, as far back as she could remember, and she derived a certain contentment from it. At first, she wasn't sure what to do with her newfound spare time and liberated emotional energy, but gradually she discovered a new equilibrium, one that put herself at the center.

Most things in Mila's life didn't change. Although she could do what she wanted, she maintained many of the same routines she had when they were together. She certainly ate more healthily and exercised more, but in many ways life continued on as normal. Mila always had close girlfriends and she leaned on them a bit until she found her new groove. For maybe the first time in her life, she felt like she was truly flying solo and loved the feeling of being completely unencumbered. She rode her bike every day and the wind in her hair became the physical manifestation of her emotional state.

For a while, men fell off Mila's radar. She always attracted a lot of attention wherever she went and it comforted her to know that she could scratch any itches if she needed to. She certainly felt tempted a few times, but she didn't trust herself not to make the rash decisions of the newly vulnerable. Although Mila consciously avoided anything serious and enjoyed being in the world with no strings attached, it didn't mean she didn't tease men relentlessly. She discovered that by making herself unavailable, she also became irresistible. Often when she was out, she toyed with boys ruthlessly and left their minds branded by her body.

Eventually, she gave in to their persistence, and her own desires. She started slowly at first, by simply giving them more to look at. She went out without a bra and ensured the shirt she wore made clear her round, perky tits. She dragged her girlfriend and her girlfriend's old high-school buddies to the clothing-optional part of the beach and removed her bikini top to go swimming. Wearing her skimpiest athletic wear, she found a group of guys in the park playing frisbee and did yoga in front of them until they all sat down on their blanket and tried to pretend they weren't watching her intently.

Each time, she became slightly more brazen. It made her feel a little hotter with every outing until things progressed beyond simply showing off. A late-night make-out session on the couch that ended in a topless handjob. Her pastel dress hiked up over her chest for an oral sex quickie in a basement bedroom with a groomsman at her cousin's wedding. Skinny-dipping with an old flame under the stars at a lake and lying back on a towel with spread legs for a long-overdue fucking. Over the course of the summer, she'd had her fun, but always kept it at a distance, in control, engaging only when serendipitous.

Although Mila was maybe the happiest she'd ever been, it wasn't long before her old doting behaviours began creeping back in. It began with simple, small things. She baked cookies for her girlfriend's boyfriend who was having a hard time. She made a painting for a friend whose mother was suffering illness. She took in her gay buddy's dog while he was away on vacation. It started with helping her close friends, but gradually she was doing things for people she knew only peripherally. Before she knew it, she was considering knitting booties for her friend's brother's baby shower.

The larger problem, she discovered, was that she was concentrating many of her efforts on men. She realized that she couldn't help it. Subconsciously, she believed that men were completely helpless beings that would be hopelessly lost or miserable without her. In many ways, the men in her life had proven that true, but she also began to see a pattern, a common denominator, and it was her. She found herself constantly thinking about what she could do to help the men in her life. Mila's girlfriends knew her well enough that when she doted on their boyfriends she wasn't being untoward, she was simply satisfying some primal instinct.

Mila became conscious of her behaviour, especially as her friends mocked her for it, but she struggled to push the thoughts and compulsions out. She even tried to avoid men altogether, but her energies were simply transferred to her dad or brother or other men she couldn't avoid. Finally, at a bike and lunch date with her friend Jasmine and her visiting cousin, Jasmine knew she had to step in when Mila began volunteering to fix Jasmine's cousin's rental bike.

Later, Jasmine texted her.

Mateo thought you were pretty weird. We need to get away. You have to get out of the city and away from people.

Mila stared at her phone and knew it was true.

I know.

Mila waited for Jasmine to text her back, to save her from herself. When she didn't, Mila wrote again.

What should I do?

Jasmine wrote back promptly this time.

I don't know what you should do, but I'm going to take you out to the middle of nowhere and try to find your reset button.

Mila laughed. Jasmine always knew how to ground her.

I just inherited a two-night backcountry site booking at Tobe from my dad who is finally getting his hip surgery. You're coming with me. You can't baby anyone out there.

Tobe was Mila's happy place and Jasmine knew it. It was an incredibly popular, but tightly controlled federal park and was nearly impossible to get a backcountry canoe site. Mila had tried, and failed, to book a campsite when the website opened in the spring. She was ecstatic.

Don't fuck with me Jasmine. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

Jasmine didn't reply for a while, but getting a firm answer didn't stop Mila from mentally organizing her camping gear and planning meals. Just before bed, Mila got the answer she was looking for.

Thursday my fucked-up friend. We head to the woods so you can sever ties to your evil ways. Talk tomorrow to plan. Gnight.

Mila spent two days getting her things and food together. She booked the rest of the week off work and even bought a new camp pillow as a treat for herself. No more stuff sacks filled with clothes as a pillow for her! Growing up, she had spent many a night in Tobe and knew well the campsite they had booked. It was perfect, secluded on the far side of Lake Tobe, a small, crescent beach of coarse granite sand, a tree to climb with a giant limb hanging out over the water. She had stayed at the very site in her teens and paddled by it more than once over the years. Her excitement was palpable.

On Wednesday, Mila got a message from Jasmine that nearly made her cry.

Sorry good buddy. Can't go. Mom wants me to stay to help with dad.

Mila didn't have time to respond. The next message was simply a copy of the booking reference number for the site. And then:

Call around. Someone has to be able to go with you. Call Roz, I think she said she was thinking of taking time off. If not, go alone. Might even be better than having someone there. Enjoy! Tell me about it when you get back, gtg

That was the last Mila heard from Jasmine, even after repeated thank yous. Mila was disappointed, but her excitement only waned temporarily. She called around to see if any of her girlfriends could join her, then she thought about her brother, a few boy friends she knew, but in the end she decided to go alone.

She chose to rent a canoe rather than fetch her father's, and after getting sweaty packing up her little hatchback, she hit the road for the lake. The drive flew like the apple cores she tossed out the window into the ditch. Funky music blared from her tinny car speakers until she pulled into the dusty campground parking lot. She was organized and efficient, so unpacking the car and packing the canoe took little time at all. By noon, she was in the bow of the boat with her gear balanced well, her cheap rental paddle pushing the red canoe off the silty lakebed.

As she paddled out, she felt her preoccupations slip away, remaining on the shore behind her. They became clearer to her as they became more distant. She let herself analyze them and then puzzled over them as she found her cadence.

She understood her feelings, the needing to feel needed. She knew that she wanted to be wanted. She recognized that she loved feeling indispensable, like she alone could provide the things a person needed. Feeling like she was in control was everything to Mila. She considered this for the bulk of her trip to the far side of the lake. Her behaviours were also about power, not simply being benevolent. She craved the power to make people happy, to solve their problems, to make the world better in some small way, especially when she felt the world was horrible and out of control.

This, of course, extended to the power to give them pleasure. She only seriously engaged with men when she felt that they were really and truly in need, desperate. Not desperate in the pathetic way men can be desperate, but desperate to have her, to get the things that only she could provide. She couldn't help herself from being the outlet to their needs. She got off on them wanting her so badly, wanting to watch her, wanting to touch her body, wanting her to touch them. When they lusted after her so badly, she had the ability to give them everything they wanted. When Mila finally felt their urgency, their excitement, their naked desire for her, she felt as though she could orgasm just by their touch, by touching them the way she knew they wanted. At that point, whether she remained in control or gave it up, the feeling was the same - she was the one solely responsible for their pleasure.

These were her final thoughts as the stern of the canoe ground into the pebbled beach of her campsite. It was still mid-afternoon, and hot. A breeze blew strong enough to keep the flies at bay as she unloaded her boat and set up camp.

It wasn't long before Mila was naked and wading into the cool lake water. She floated on her back and let the sound of the sloshing water and the small waves take her away. She swam hard, until she was breathless and muscle-tired. Then she spread her towel on the large granite rocks on the shore and sunned herself until she was dry. By the time she returned to the decaying picnic table, her skin was starting to crisp and the long curls in her dark red hair had begun to take shape again. She opened the bag of wine she brought and smoked a little of her pipe before dinner.

For a long time, it seemed like the sun would never set until suddenly it was almost dark. Mila pulled a light sweater over her tank top, lit a small fire in the rusty fire box, and created a seating area with her foam sleeping mat and some logs. Loons called on the lake and she heard an owl far off. She sat sipping wine and feeling like a million bucks.

It was quite dark when she first heard them. She'd found her headlamp and was tending the fire, letting her eyes droop as she watched the flames. She heard the familiar hollow sound of a paddle knocking the side of a canoe and the swishing of water moving under the bow of a boat. She looked to the beach and saw the focused light of one headlamp, then another. The boat moved slowly by the beach and she heard a low voice.

"I'm pretty sure this is it," said the male voice.

"There's already somebody there. It can't be. Let's check the other side of the island," said another male voice. "Are you sure it's site fifteen?"

The voices faded as they rounded the crescent's point. Mila was sure she was at site fifteen and started to worry. She found her pocket knife and slipped it into the pocket of her shorts. She found the elastic on her wrist and tied her thick hair into a ponytail. Sitting up with her arms crossed, she waited. It was only a few minutes until she heard them coming back again.

This time, they came closer, right into the heart of the crescent beach. Their headlamps searched the beach and then reflected off the sign tacked to a tree with the site number written on it.

"I knew it, site fifteen. See?" said the first voice.

"Yeah, but are you sure this is the one we have booked?"

"I don't have reception out here, but I'm positive this is the one."

"Fuck. Well, what are we going to do? Should we go ask them what's up?"

"They must've fucked up and be at the wrong site."

"We can't just kick them off in the dark."

Mila heard the first voice sigh and then there was silence for what seemed like a long time. Her heart rate was elevated, but nothing about the men made Mila feel frightened. They sounded like they were lost and were just as unsure as she was. Then she heard the sound of the boat come ashore and she stood, but stayed by the fire.

Two men in rented lifejackets stumbled up the path with their paddles. They were wearing crocs and board shorts, one with a t-shirt and one topless. They stopped when they saw Mila.

"Hi," said the one in front.

Mila raised her hand in a small wave.

"Um, this is site fifteen, right?"

Mila nodded then tried to speak, but had to clear her throat first. "Y-ahem, yes."

"I'm pretty sure we're booked in here. I think one of us is at the wrong site," he said.

Mila was pretty sure she was at the right spot and was starting to feel annoyed. Her heart let out a sigh as she realized that no matter who was right, these two jokers were going to have to stay the night. The peace she had felt all day was slipping away as their headlamps shined into her eyes.

"Sorry," said the first guy and turned off the light.

The guy behind him followed suit and for the first time she could see their faces. They were both handsome, short hair, maybe slightly older than herself, but not by much. The one in front looked a little like a jock, which caused alarm bells to sound immediately. He looked at Mila directly. The other was a bit taller and had a gentler look. He gazed around the site, taking in the firelit trees and camp.

After an awkward silence, Mila said, "Well, I suppose you'll have to set up here for the night, until we can clear this up."

"Are you sure you don't mind? We already hit one rock and almost tipped out there. I don't think Sam wants to head back into the dark."

Sam stopped looking around and looked at Mila with a smile. "Callum's the one afraid, it's his first time in a canoe."

He smacked Callum lightly with his paddle. Mila laughed a bit and felt more at ease. These two were clearly not a threat.

"Why are you guys so late getting here?"

"We couldn't leave until after work," said Sam. "Took us a bit to get our shit together."

"Where's your, uh, are you alone?" said Callum.

Mila didn't want to reveal that information and looked at her tent beyond the picnic table. She was caught off guard and didn't know what to say.

"Yeah, well, um," she said.

She sat down at the picnic table.

"The other tent pad is just over there," she said, gesturing to the far side of the site. "There's a little path just there."

Callum looked at Sam and Mila could see that although she was ruining their guy's trip, at least she was attractive and alone.

"What do you think?" said Sam.

"I don't think we have many options," said Callum.

They both looked back towards their boat, into the darkness, then back again to Mila sitting, her beautiful legs crossed in front of the fire. It was an easy decision.

"We'll get set up and then do you mind if we join you?" said Sam.

"Sure," said Mila. "I have some wine here too, if you want. Are you guys hungry?"

As soon as the words left her mouth, she regretted them. She resolved then and there that she would absolutely not dote on these idiots. They could make their own dinner and get their own drinks.

"We're starving," said Callum. "But we've got so much food, too much. We've got a few beers if you want. We'll get settled and sort it out. Thank you, though."

Mila had to admit they were nice, polite guys, and maybe not as idiotic as they seemed. She figured that it could be much worse and resigned herself to trying to enjoy the night.

She resumed her lounge on the sleeping mat in front of the fire and tried not to watch them unload their boat and arrange their campsite. They were pretty disorganized and Mila had to restrain herself from stepping in to help. Once they had their gear together and doled out jobs, their kit went up quickly and soon they were strolling out of the woods with reusable grocery bags of food and some cans of beer.

Callum went back to their tent site to get some small camp chairs and returned to help Sam prepare the food. Mila said how she envied their camp chairs and Callum noted how much easier it was to pack for canoe camping than hiking. It wasn't long before the boys were stuffing their faces with canned beans and cooking sausages over the fire. Once the beers were cracked, conversation flowed easily.

They were Master's students who'd finally finished their major research projects in Engineering and were taking some well-deserved time off. They'd knowingly booked the site months ago and had been looking forward to it ever since. They asked Mila many questions and because she was in a similar field, they had much to talk about. Gradually, they came to understand that she was alone and then Mila told the story of how she came to be there. They smoked weed and drank, but nothing crazy, and finally they decided collectively to find their beds.

The boys stumbled off into the darkness and Mila could hear their giggling. She was pretty sure they were talking about her. She thought she heard the word 'sexy' in there somewhere and she knew they'd likely be having some sweet dreams that night.

Mila tossed and turned on her mat. It was hot and humid and she couldn't get comfortable. Her mind was loose and turning the night over. She reflected on her impulses and felt disappointed in herself. She was tired, but couldn't sleep. Then, she thought a dip in the lake might soothe her.

She quietly exited her tent and used the half-moonlight to navigate her way clumsily to the water, following the sound of the tiny waves lapping on the shore. When she felt the water on her toes, she stripped down and waded in. The water felt amazing and the stars were only partially hidden behind wispy clouds. She floated on her back for what seemed like a long time until she felt herself drifting into sleep. As she walked gingerly back up to her towel, she heard the cracking of a branch and looked up with a gasp. A headlamp suddenly flashed on from where the shoreline met the woods. Mila froze, but the light quickly found her. She tried to cover herself with her arms, but she stubbed her toe on a rock and raised her arms to keep her balance. She quickly jumped for her towel and dashed into the campsite.

"Sorry," said a happy voice from the other side of the site.

When Mila returned to her tent, she plopped down on the mat naked. For a while she was embarrassed, but she didn't know why. She almost never experienced shame over her body and was usually very willing to show it off. After a minute or two, she felt comfortable again and then laughed to herself. She wasn't sure who had seen her, but they certainly got a good look. Mila felt the familiar feeling of power again and found her body tingling with it as it dried in the night air.