Bad Heuristic

Realization crashed down on her. That was what all the aliens in her prison had in common! They were animals! And, being animals, none of them wore any clothes.

Sophie smirked. Despite being the same species, Joe had been classified as a person because he was clothed, and she had been classified as an animal because she was nude. It was difficult to believe that an advanced spacefaring race like the green aliens would make such a stupid mistake. Certainly, most of the peoples she had met wore some kind of clothing, but there are plenty that didn't. Clearly these guys had never met an Ashenti or a Grudur.

Now that Sophie had solved the forcefield mystery, there was the matter of acting on this new information. The green aliens, or maybe just the green aliens' computers, seemed to classify any creature with clothes on as a person, and any creature without clothes on as an animal. People were blocked from passing through the forcefield, but animals were not.

Sophie sighed. With great reluctance, she pulled off both halves of her small outfit and dumped them on the ground. Then she closed her eyes and stepped into the forcefield, bracing for impact in case she was wrong.

She wasn't. The forcefield tingled against her skin but let her through unscathed. She turned around and bent down to pull her clothes through. But as soon as she touched purple fabric, she felt a shock shoot through her and yanked her arm back. Of course that would happen.

After shaking her arm to relieve the pain, Sophie stood up and stepped back through the forcefield and into the corridor. She picked up her clothes and dumped them in the bucket in the storage closet. No point leaving them lying in the corridor where they could be noticed. She took one last longing look at the bucket before pulling the closet door shut and returning to the forcefield.

Naked once more, Sophie stepped through the forcefield unscathed, to the great consternation of the prison's inhabitants. The field was opaque from this side, so to the alien prisoners, it looked as though she had materialized from within the wall.

The aliens called out to Sophie as she walked past their cells, most of them speaking languages she didn't understand. But a few could speak Standard Galactic. The Tilray splashed excitedly in its rubber pool and hissed, "You don't look like a Zilcron! How did you get in here? Will you help us?"

Sophie met the Tilray's unblinking gaze. It looked like a combination between a lizard, a shark and a human. The large red fins on its head indicated that it was male. A momentary flush came to Sophie's cheeks and she moved an arm in front of her chest. The intelligence in the creature's stare made her ashamed of her nudity, though she told herself she had no reason to feel that way. "Y-yes," she stammered, "I'll help you. But first, I need to find my friend. Is there a human man in one of these cells?"

A familiar voice sounded from behind Sophie. "Right behind you, Miss Sophie."

Sophie spun around to face Joe, which was currently trapped behind the bars of the cell opposite the Tilray. Though there was a hint of weariness in his expression, it was overpowered by a massive smile. "You're a sight for sore eyes," he said.

"Joe!" Sophie exclaimed, running up to the bars. "What's going on? Why did those aliens capture us?"

Joe sighed and the smile dropped off his face. "I didn't want to get you mixed up in this. I pleaded with them to leave you and take me, but they didn't listen. They... the Zilcrons... well, you could say they're my creditors. Or at least, they would say so. I'm not sure I agree. Or at least, I'd like a different payment option."

A faraway look appeared in Joe's eyes. "They like to... collect things. People, animals, plants, artifacts, all kinds of stuff. It's a species-wide obsession. They've got six planets of wall-to-wall museums and zoos in their system—it's kind of funny, actually, most of them don't even live on their homeworld because it's too full with all the things they've collected."

Sophie faintly remembered being told about a race of squat alien hoarders, but she had always assumed it was a made-up story for scaring children. To find out that it was real... well, the universe was a large and strange place, and she had seen so little of it.

Joe continued his story. "Anyway, they're completely insane and ruthless, but they have preserved a lot of species and artifacts that would otherwise have been lost forever. Many of the items in their collection are one of a kind. Some years ago, I found myself in need of one such item. A leaf from the Ransard Tree of Pulonimus IV."

Ransard Tree... that also sounded familiar. Another old story Sophie had heard as a child.

"It was said to have miraculous restorative properties. To be the only cure for Space Rot. But the tree had long been extinct throughout the Pulonimus system. The only known Ransard Tree in all of the universe was kept under heavy guard on Zilcron III."

Space Rot. Sophie shivered at the memory of pictures she'd seen of sufferers. It was always fatal, and one of the few disease that was equally devastating to all sentient creatures. On humans, it had the effect of drying out the body and leaving a withered and wrinkled husk. "Did you have Space Rot?" she asked Joe.

Joe was silent for a moment. "My wife did."

Sophie's eyebrow raised. She hadn't seen a wedding ring on either of Joe's hands.

"I was willing to trade anything for her survival. The Zilcrons assured me that my payment—a pair of little-known Terran animals called frogs—would be enough to secure a leaf of the Ransard tree, and they were only too happy to accept the little critters."

Sophie put a finger to her chin. She'd thought that frogs were extinct.

"But when the Zilcrons showed me to the Ransard tree, I found only a desiccated husk. The tree was dead and leafless." Joe spat these last words with a barely contained rage, and Sophie took a step back from his cell.

"My dear Amelia passed away the next day. And then, in the midst of my grief, the Zilcrons accused me of killing the Ransard Tree!" Joe punched the wall of his cell, voice cracking and eyes watering. "They demanded that I join their collection in compensation! I've been on the run for five long years."

Tears welled in Sophie's eyes. "I'm so sorry, Joe," she said, reaching her hand between the bars.

Joe took her hand. "Thank you. I'm glad you're here." He blinked his eyes clear, and then a sly smile spread across his face. "In fact, you're the key to getting us out of this mess. Clearly, these Zilcrons underestimated you. Now, I need you to go to the control panel in the center of this room and find a large red button. That will open all of the cells."

Sophie felt herself grinning madly. Joe squeezed her hand and then let go. Her eyes flashed, and she dashed towards the control panel. The large red button was easy to find. With a gleeful cackle, Sophie slammed her palm down on top of it.

Instantly, the bars of all the prison cells shot up. There was a chorus of triumphant sounds from many few dozen different sound-making organs, and then a rush of many dozen different locomotive limbs. The room was alive with stomping, flapping, slithering and hopping.

"You did it!" cried Joe, as he embraced Sophie in an enormous hug, which she enthusiastically returned. "Now let's get out of here!"

Once Joe released her, Sophie looked towards the forcefield that covered the entrance to the prison. It had not been deactivated by the large red button. But no matter—Sophie knew how to get through it.

"Take off your jumpsuit," Sophie said to Joe. "The forcefield blocks clothing. That's how I managed to get through. I think that's the same reason I was put in the area with all the animals. Zilcrons have never heard of nudists, or at least their computers haven't. So to get out of here, everyone's going to have to get in touch with nature and strip off!"

Joe raised an eyebrow at Sophie, who had spread her arms out dramatically to punctuate "strip off". "I promise it's true!" she said. "Surely you don't think I'm still parading around like this for your benefit? I'm cold! And embarrassed! On, like, an existential level!"

The pained yelp of a Gerton in a yellow gown being thrown back from the forcefield violently reinforced Sophie's point. "It blocks clothing!" she yelled in Standard Galactic to the startled creature.

Joe shrugged and put a hand to his zipper.

Just then, the forcefield flickered and disappeared, revealing the corridor beyond. Sophie and Joe glanced back at the control panel, where a Yilen stood with one tentacle wrapped around a large lever.

"... I guess that works too," Sophie said, mildly disappointed that she would remain the only one naked.

* * *

Fortunately for the Zilcrons' erstwhile prisoners, the prison ship had not yet launched, but was still fueling up in Roku V's premiere space port. The crowd of aliens formed an intimidating crowd, and were able to make a quick getaway by rushing through the halls for the exit. The first few Zilcrons they came across were in groups of one or two, no match for such a throng. They fled instantly at the sight of the free prisoners, often dropping their weapons in the process, which the mob was quick to appropriate. Armed with Zeblon blasters, they had no trouble exiting the ship.

As Joe explained to Sophie, Zilcrons were a naturally cowardly lot and relied heavily on being able to collect people and animals one by one.

There was a massive commotion in the space port as the prisoners rushed out of the Zilcron ship, and the Roku V authorities were alerted. Soon, the ship was impounded and its crew arrested on charges of alien trafficking. Sophie and Joe watched triumphantly as the crew of Zilcrons was marched off the ship in chains, shouting obscenities in their strange language. Joe matched a few of their cries himself, his face contorting to pronounce the alien syllables.

Many of the sapient and non-sapient aliens aboard the ship had been reported missing, and some even were presumed dead. More than a few had rewards offered for their safe return. Families across the galaxy would now be reunited. When the authorities asked how they had escaped, all the aliens directed them to the two humans, standing together. Joe deferred all praise to Sophie, and she quickly became the center of attention.

Sophie was ushered to the top of the stairs outside the spaceport, where a press conference had been called at lightspeed. She was quickly introduced to the chief of police, an elegant centaur-like female covered in red scales. Her species didn't wear clothing, and Sophie tried to copy her proud poise. In all the commotion and excitement of escaping the ship and getting the Zilcrons arrested, she hadn't had a chance to reclaim her makeshift outfit, and was thus still entirely naked.

"The people of Roku V and the galaxy at large salute you, Sophie Marsden," said the police chief, as she shook Sophie's hand vigorously. "We would like to bestow a Medal of Courage upon you for your bravery and quick thinking today aboard the Zilcron ship."

Sophie blushed and stammered as lights flashed around her. She looked out at the cosmopolitan crowd of aliens and reminded herself for the millionth time that day that none of them had any idea she was supposed to be wearing clothes. Well, except for Joe, who was watching from behind the throng of journalists.

Suppressing a deep sigh, she stood in front of the crowd and smiled as the police chief lowered the medal onto her neck, even puffing her chest out a bit. The metal lay cool against her tummy, and she tried not to think about how far the dozens of pictures currently being taken would travel. Hopefully they wouldn't want to build a statue of her—Sophie shuddered at the thought of her pubic hair being immortalized in stone.

Once the press conference was over, and after a million thank-yous, handshakes and exchanges of ID details for payment of reward money, the crowd parted. At last, she was left alone with Joe.

"How about we get you something to wear, Miss Sophie Marsden, Hero of Roku V?" he asked, reaching out an arm. "I was doing it as a favor before, but now I reckon I owe you."

"That sounds great," replied Sophie, taking Joe's arm. "Just as long as it goes with my medal."

The two strolled through the city, Sophie leaning against Joe. "Do you think any more Zilcrons will be coming after you?"

"I don't think so," said Joe. "Certainly not as long as I've got my naked guardian."

Sophie blushed. "I'm sure they'll at least upgrade their security software."

"Whatever happens, we can handle it."

Sophie felt Joe's arm tighten around her, and she smiled and snuggled against his side.

Joe lived in an apartment on the top floor of a tall building in an unassuming district of the city. His place was small, with only a single bedroom, but he kept it neat. Sophie sat down on the the couch as he disappeared into the bedroom to rummage through his closet for something she could wear.

While she waited, Sophie unfocused her eyes and used Joe's uplink to connect her neural link to the Galactic Network. She had already started receiving the first reward payments for the missing aliens aboard the Zilcron ship. It was more than she had expected. Certainly enough to pay Joe back for buying her a hypershuttle ticket. She might even do some shopping before she left—though there was bound to be nothing in human sizes, perhaps she could find some fun accessories.

Joe reappeared with a jumpsuit similar to the one he was wearing. It would be a little big for Sophie, he said apologetically. She said she didn't mind, and gratefully took it from him.

For a moment, the two stood in the middle of Joe's living room, looking at each other. Sophie turned the jumpsuit over in her arms. "You know," she said slyly, "I was a bit disappointed when Glarbel deactivated the forcefield."

"Oh? Why's that?"

"Well..." she began, letting the jumpsuit slowly slip from her arms. "I was kind of... interested in what you looked like... underneath." She looked up at Joe, clasping her hands so that her arms pushed her breasts together. "After all... you've seen me, so I was hoping..."

Joe kissed her full on the mouth. Squealing with delight, she wrapped herself around him and pawed at the zipper on his chest.

Joe grabbed the zipper himself and yanked it down. "Fair's fair," he said.

The End