Beauty Hurts

For as long as I have been aware I have been able to use my looks to gain what I now know to be an unfair advantage. Even in early grades the teachers seemed to pick my for special tasks and I revelled in the attention, the other girls did not appear jealous either as I was always in the in-crowd often I was the one who suggested something and the others would agree and we would play that game. If it was a game I did not like, I would not agree and the group changed their minds. I was so subtle to me that I did not initially realise that it was my long reddish brown hair or flawless skin. I always thought I made friends easily.

As I moved up in school grades I found that the teachers seemed to go easier on me than some of the other girls and boys. I started to notice boys more than as playmates, and conversely, they acted differently around me as well. What started out as hanging out become opening doors and keeping a spot in a line became buying me a drink or even occasionally lunch.

It all changed for me when puberty hit hard and changes not only to my body but to my way of thinking as well. I learned to bat my eyes and the occasional touch on someone's shoulder changed their behaviour towards me.

When I was 15 I had my first formal invitation. A senior boy asked me to his Prom and I was excited to go and said yes. Only my dad said no! and I did not go. I cried for ages and hated my dad for a while, I now know he was right and all is forgiven. All these years made me realise my parents were the only ones immune to my whims.

My first boyfriend I kept a secret from my parents so there was no after school contact.

My last year in school I met my best friend, Rebecca (Becky) and we hung out a lot, my parents loved her and because of that they allowed me more leeway. I have fond memories of us driving places together and singing at the top of or voices, Becky loved to sing and even played some guitar.

I always had some boys trying to get my attention but because there were so many, I never committed to any of them. Becky on the other hand only ever had one boyfriend, Carl, he doted on her and supported her performances every time.

I went to college while Becky stayed home and married Carl, we lost touch briefly but had a great reunion when I graduated and came back home. I had lots of boyfriends and plenty of experience but never found 'the one'. I enjoyed college and found that the lecturers were harder to convince than the school teachers, they actually expected results. Even so, with a few tutors I was able to learn the finance industry quite well. I even enjoyed the math, although I enjoyed the tutors more.

I started work with a local firm in their accounting section and soon started to move up the ladder due to both my skills and personality. OK not just personality, I used my image and flirtations as well. Those bosses and supervisors react quite well. Even some of the ladies were receptive.

Becky, Carl and I caught up fairly frequently at the local bar where Becky occasionally sang, she has a great voice. I usually had a date but was still looking for 'the one'. Due to my personality there were plenty of beers my way and I always had a decent dance card. When Becky sang I did sometimes dance with Carl, he had some serious moves and if he was not already taken I might have sampled him, he was yummy. But there was no dancing with him if Becky was there. She kept him on a tight leash.

It all came to a head, that one day at the Volunteer Valley Saloon & Stage when Becky sang a song she had written. She turned the volume up and started with a guitar solo before launching into the most heart wrenching song I had ever heard. When someone calls you out by name in a song, you listen. I listened and I heard. It hurt me.

My name is Jolene and I never wanted to hurt my friends.