Because It's What I Do

Running would have been the logical thing to do. Logical, but not smart. So, I waited and watched. For the longest time, she remained with her friends and didn't say a thing. For a while, I thought she wouldn't come back, but she surprised me at the food table.

"So, why me? What did I ever do to you or anyone who knows you. What would make you do to me what you did?"

"Nothing. Look, I didn't..." I stopped. There was no good reason, other than staying out of jail to continue lying to this poor girl. Her sad and innocent face. Covered in shamed. Misted with tears. It forced me into telling her the truth. "You did absolutely nothing wrong."

"So, you admit you raped me?"

"It was never meant to be rape. It wasn't supposed to..."

"Then why did you do it."

"Will knowing the truth make it any better? I can't change the past."

"Not at all. Nothing you say, can or will make it better. But I still need an answer."

"I was forced to do it. And what happened to you turned out to be an extremely bad case of mistaken identity."

"Forced? Someone forced like you, like you forced me?"

"More or less."

"Want to explain it to me?"

"I really don't."

"Let me tell you what Hatch. I'm going pee. When I get back, I'll have a beer for you and a soda for me. You'll start talking and provide me with every detail. If you don't give me every single detail I want, everyone at this party will know exactly how we met when I first moved to Vegas.

Watching her walk away, the scar on her butt moved. It looked like a piece of her ass had been sandpapered and was painful, but I knew the truth. I also watched how her hips swayed and her body moved. It was as if she were shy and hiding. Yet she wore a bikini that put all of her assets on display. And to me, those assets looked even better in the sunny light of day.

"What's Casey's deal?" I asked Jim when he approached me.

"Not much to tell. She was engaged to some fisherman dude on the coast. He couldn't keep a job. One day she came home, and their place was empty. Word around was he went to North Carolina and never came back. I put out a few feelers to find the prick but didn't hear a word. She's a nurse, so finding a job here wasn't hard. She works for some specialist guy. Old fucker that makes a bunch of cash. Drives shit rides in case you were wondering."

"I wasn't. I think I'm going to stop trolling the strip. Get more specialized. Sell them to the highest offshore bidder. Harder to trace back to us."

"I'm your wheel man. Always will be. Just let me know."

Jim patted my back and walked over to a group where his wife stood. Without caring or giving it a second thought, he used his fingers and palm to massage the curve of her firm ass and slide a finger under the elastic trim. He got a smile and a cheek kiss for his efforts.

*****

"How long have you known my sister and Jim?"

Casey had snuck up behind me. But I jumped higher than I should have. Something, maybe the thought of a small prison cell, had me spooked.

"Since I moved here."

"Sorry, I didn't mean to..." she said.

"Fine. It's fine. I'm a bit on edge about, well you know."

"You're on edge? Ever been tied up, drugged, raped, and left all alone?"

"Can't say that I have."

"Lucky you." She pointed to a pair of lawn chairs near the end of the pool. The deep end where no one was standing around to overhear us. "Let's go over there."

Handing me the beer she had promised earlier, she sat and motioned for me to do the same.

"From the top."

"Pardon," I asked.

"Tell me what happened and start from the beginning."

"It's a long and crazy story..."

"Well. I'm not going anywhere and I'm part of the crazy. So, let's hear it."

Leaving out no details except names, I told her everything. Why I did it. How I planned it. How I watched and cased her house. Every single detail. And when I finished, she started.

"Do you have any STD's?"

"No."

"How do you know?"

"I had a physical for insurance purposes four months ago. They tested me for everything."

"Four months was a long time ago. Did you wear protection with the girls since your test?"

"You were the first."

Casey looked at me with a very skeptical look on her face.

"Guys?"

"What? No. Sorry. Never."

"Then why so long?"

"Kind of a personal question, no?"

"More personal than eating my pussy while you had me tied up?"

"Bad break-up," I spat out. Trying to change the subject. This girl had played the rape card without even thinking about who might hear. "We ended on a sour note."

"How long ago?"

"Around eight months."

"You waited eight months before you had sex again?"

Lowering my head so she couldn't see my eyes or read my thoughts, "No, I actually only waited six."

"You took pictures of me?"

"I did."

"Who'd you show?"

"Only the guy who commissioned me."

"Where are they now?"

"Destroyed. They're gone. Forever. I promise."

"The phone?"

"Completely destroyed and burned."

"How can, I be sure?"

"Because I just admitted to a felony rape charge." Pointing to her phone she was trying to hide. I told her how she could 'be sure'. "We both know you're recording what I say. But nothing I've told you is a lie. I might be a bad person, but I won't lie to you."

"How old are you?" She asked. Never even flinching about using her phone to record us.

"I'll be twenty-five in November. You."

"None of your business, but the same, only in September."

"Did you correct your mistake?"

My chin touched my chest like I was a 7-year-old being scolded. "Well?" she asked.

"I did."

"And?"

"I'm not at all worried about how it will end. It was a birthday gift to her."

"That make you a serial rapist."

"Casey, there's no way to take back what happened, but if I could, I wou..."

She raised her hand to stop me from speaking.

For the longest time we sat in silence. Part of me wanted to run. Another part of me wanted to reach out and hug her. But I stayed put. Sitting motionless, I waited. Waiting for my punishment or what would become my atonement. After many minutes I noticed Casey's eyes shining with tears.

"Casey, everything I told you is true. I could never understand what you must be feeling, but tell me, why are you crying?"

"It's not every day that you come face to face with your rapist and the guy who also happens to be the father of your child," she made the statement with somewhat of a laugh in her voice.

"Are you...?"

"Two months. I took the test four days in a row. Just in case you think I was mistaken."

"It could be..."

"It's yours. Nobody's but yours. Before you raped me, it had been eight months. Yeah, the first guy I had sex with, since moving to Vegas, raped me, and knocked me up. Go figure."

"Casey, I'm so..."

"You know what Logan? You don't even have to say it. Because, for some reason, I truly believe you are."

Suddenly, more ashamed than I'd ever been in my life, I was sitting alone. I no longer feared incarceration. I feared what I had done to Casey couldn't be righted.

*****

Another couple of weeks had gone by. Long weeks with long days and even longer nights. Hours of agonizing guilt. There was not one single day where I felt good about myself.

I worried about everything in my life, but there was no need to. Ashley and Jimmy's demeanor toward me hadn't changed, so it was clear Casey hadn't told them anything. I still had my freedom and money. Yet, every day made me feel worse and worse until I decided what needed to be done.

*****

Waiting to just before dusk, and using my UBER EATS card and a box full of pizza, I pulled up and parked just in front of Casey's place. Before I got out, I put my head on the steering wheel. My guilt and shame were back. And the fact Miss 125C was walking straight toward me with a brand-new fuzzy puppy didn't ease my bad feelings. It was a case of double jeopardy.

Although she had no idea who I was, I waited until she disappeared from sight before I stepped out of my truck.

Hustling to Casey's door, I wanted my drop to be quick and go un-noticed.

"Caught red-handed," Casey said when she flung open the door.

"Probably not the coolest thing to say to a thief. How did you know I was here."

"Saw you when you pulled up. Got an alert on my phone." She pointed at her door frame. A lens could be seen peeking out above the doorbell. It was new. "What are you doing here Logan?"

"Just dropping something off...I wanted to...it's...here."

Casey looked at the large brown paper bag and grabbed it by the handles.

"Sized twelve Air Jordans? Appreciated, but they're a bit big for me."

"They're not for you. They're for the baby."

"In that case, they're huge."

"Casey, it's not what you think. There aren't any shoes in there. It's a gift. And the Nike box was the only box I could find."

"Then what's in..."

"Please. Don't look inside," I said as she reached in and lifted the lid of the shoebox.

Her eyes grew huge, and her mouth opened. She had a confused look when she spoke to me.

"Please don't? Seems I remember hearing those exact words the last time you were at my house. Oh, hang on a second. It was me saying them to you and not the other way around." Casey looked down at the bag again. "You think this makes us even?"

"Not even close."

"How much is..."

"Enough for an education at UNLV or a few truckloads of diapers and food."

"Where did it come from? I don't want your dirty money, Logan. I'm not a..."

"I sold two valuable old motorcycles. Very legit, you can ask Jimmy."

A more awkward situation was never had in my entire life. We stood looking everywhere but at one another. Casey knew down deep that every penny I owned came from wrongdoing. But The bikes had been titled to me and "purchased and owned" by me for a long time.

"Who owns the Jeep you're driving?"

"Mine. It's mine. It belongs to me. Why? Do you need a car?"

"No. But can you take me for a ride somewhere?"

"Sure. Yeah. Where do you want to go."

Casey disappeared into her condo. I wasn't about to follow her. When she returned a few minutes later, she had put on pants and was carrying a hoodie and a small Yeti cooler.

Walking past me, she climbed into the doorless Rubicon and looked at me as if to tell me to "move it".

We drove without words. Her pointing finger was my only GPS.

After a series of turns, I figured out exactly where we were heading.

*****

Red Rock Canyon was a great place to go. But I normally stayed away from it. It was getting to be near dark and things that crawl always come out at night. Spiders, scorpions and snakes, are not my thing.

"I should have brought a blanket to sit on."

"Casey, why are we here?"

"It's on my list of Vegas things to do. I want to watch a sunset from the desert and star gaze. Stop right here," she said. Picking a spot in the sand she liked. "See, I'm crossing off two in one night."

I paused. Turned off the Jeep and hopped out. Opening the back gate, I pulled out a doublewide lawn chair and faced it west.

Plopping herself into the seat of the nylon throne, she pulled the Yeti onto her lap and opened it.

"Sweet spot. Now we can relax. Pepsi or water?"

"Pepsi, if you brought enough."

The can was ice cold. A stark contrast to the warm night air.

Casey used her phone to capture the beauty of the sun setting behind the mountains. Again, she didn't speak for the longest time, but the smile on her face spoke volumes.

"How long before it gets really, really, dark?"

"An hour. Maybe a bit longer."

Turning in the chair, she faced me.

"So, Logan, you star gaze much?"

"Once. On Lake Mead. It was during a meteor shower. Coolest thing I ever saw in the night sky."

"On the lake?"

"Houseboat. I was on a houseboat. On the lake."

"When is the next time they come around?"

"Funny thing is, I know the answer to that. In December. The biggest show will be back around here in December."

"Will you take me if you go?"

Unsure how to answer her question, I asked my own.

"Casey, aren't you concerned being out here, all alone with me?"

She answered without hesitation.

"Well. I already know you're a rapist. So, getting into your vehicle was pretty much stupidity on my part. I suppose I'll once again have to take my chances if you take me out into the middle of a lake. I mean everyone I know says you're a good guy. But the people who've said it probably haven't seen your dark side. Have they?"

Waiting to answer didn't make any of it easier.

She was correct. The people I deal with are shady, but they had no idea of my work with Mr. Wright. That sort of thing in the circles I work within, gets you blackballed or maybe even killed. I pondered what she said for a long time.

"Casey, there no possible way I'll ever make what I did, up to you. All I can say is, I never meant to hurt you or anyone else for that matter."

Her flat palm caught me flush on the cheek. Perfectly placed with perfect timing and the proper amount of force. It was enough to make my face hurt like it had been stung by a dozen wasps. It was the hardest slap I had ever received in my life.

"Does it hurt?" Casey asked.

"Lots."

My surprise showed even more when the second slap caught me on the same cheek. In the exact same spot.

"How 'bout now?"

"Lots. Yeah. It hurts plenty."

"Good. Because that's how my ass felt when you were done spanking me."

"Does that mean you're done slapping me?"

"We'll see."

A 'we'll see', was a far better answer than a 'no'.

Seconds later, Casey opened her cooler again and handed me a second can of Pepsi. She didn't take one out for herself before putting the Yeti back down on the sand.

"Put it on your cheek. The cold will help with the pain."

Refusing the can. "I'll own the pain."

In the distance, a star shot across the sky. Burning and fading away before our eyes. It was enough to motivate Casey.

"Tell me about the night you came to my house."

"I have. I told you everything you wanted to know."

"You did, but now I want to dig deeper and know more details."

"Like?"

"Like how did it make you feel? Tell what was going through your head, before, during and after. Give me details."

"Casey, I'm so sorry I hurt you."

"You didn't. I mean, other than the ass slaps, you didn't really hurt me."

"Your pregnant."

"Logan, I've wanted a baby since as long as I can remember. When you turn twenty-five, your mind starts to play games with you. You start to think you're biologically running out of time. All women my age want babies. You're handsome and look like you have good genes. So, living with the pregnancy isn't a hardship. I mean I didn't want it to happen this way, but I think it's going to be fine. Now, tell me."

"I was nervous. Still am."

"Not good enough."

My hands were shaking as I started to replay my actions on the night in question. They were vivid and clear. Locked away in a vault hidden inside my head.

"I...I bought a black-market Viagra, just in case. But after I sedated you and stripped off what you were wearing, I knew I wouldn't need it. Looking at how pretty you are. Seeing your naked body and getting to touch, smell and taste...you. I was...exhilarated. That's why I didn't last very long."

"You lasted pretty long. Or it at least seemed like an eternity for me."

"You think? That's probably because of where you were during the event, but I don't think it was very long at all."

"Anyway?" she asked. Casey was looking for something deeper. Something I had no idea about.

"Anyway, what?"

"I need you to tell me Logan. How was it for you?"

"It... it was the best. Ever. It was the absolute best and worst time ever for me. On one hand, I had the most perfect girl possible. But it was under the shittiest circumstances. Even though it was against your will, I still got to touch and taste almost every inch of you. I was able to do whatever I wanted without you being able to reject me. But I couldn't have what I really wanted or needed."

"What was it that you wanted?"

"To kiss you. I wanted to kiss you. To have you hold me. To hold you and have you feel the same connection I felt. To sleep in your arms and when we woke up in the morning, we'd do it all over again."

"I was tied up. You could have had all those things if you wanted."

"They weren't allowed. And if I tried to kiss you, you probably would have bit my lip off."

"Yeah. For some reason, I keep forgetting that raping me was a job for you." She looked skyward for more falling stars and asked her final question in the desert. "Was it worth it?"

In my mind, it was. It had brought her to me. I met her. We were now together. In this moment. Speaking to one another without her killing or threatening me. Even if she hated me, she was now a part of my meaningless life.

Yes. My answer was that it was very much, 'worth it'. But I wasn't about to tell her so.

*****

An eternity when by. Not a sound in the air. Only wind.

"I saw her. She's gorgeous."

"Who?"

"The girl in "C"." When I didn't respond, Casey started for me. "You must have had fun that night. Tell me about her."

"Not a chance."

*****

It was well past 1:00am when I started the drive back to the city. Casey had been very quiet. Not uncomfortable, just quiet.

The ride to the bright lights didn't take very long and when we entered the city limits, I asked Casey if she might be hungry.

"I'd eat some fries. Maybe some chicken fingers, but definitely some fries."

The 'fries' turned into an order of 5 chicken strips, 7 jalapeno poppers, and a large order of curly fries. Put it all together with a chocolate shake and it was more than someone as tiny as her could eat.

At Jack in the Box, Casey surprised me by getting on her knees and leaning over my seat so she could get closer to the speaker. It was as if the person on the other end might miss a crucial part of her order. And when she did, I could once again smell and feel the touch of her body as it pressed to mine.

"Logan? Logan?"

"Yeah," I said when her hand shook me out of my coma.

"What do you want?"

"You. I definitely want you."

"What?"

"What?"

"You said you wanted me."

"Nope. No. Sorry, I meant I'd have the same thing you ordered."

Even after I had tapped my card and had driven away, Casey's eyes had never left me. I could feel them locked onto me.

Her complex was dark and quiet, when I pulled into the same spot as earlier. With the engine shut off, we sat in the quiet darkness.

"Casey...it was a nice night. Thanks for inviting me out to the desert."

"You drove. Plus, you brought me food."

She held up the bag.

"Look Logan, not that you needed an invitation the first two times you came here, but would you like to come in to eat your food?"

"Probably not a good...maybe next time."

"Logan, they put everything in one bag."

"You can put your stuff in your cooler."

"My cooler's wet from all the ice." She climbed out of the Jeep and started walking to her front door. "If you don't come in, I know what I'm having for breakfast," she said, shaking the bag in the air.

Casey must have been able to feel the tension from the way I moved and from my overall body language. And as she had in the past, she threw her thoughts out into the atmosphere without caring who heard.

"Must feel strange being invited in here? You wanna go back outside? I'll secure the door and you can pick the lock. It might make you feel better. Kinda like old times."

"I'm good."

"Yeah, you actually are. At least better than I imagined."

Whatever she said didn't register with me. I was in a different zone and dimension than she was.

In her dining room for the second time, it was the first time I noticed her table. It was a wild piece of huge driftwood with a glass top. Casey told me she had brought it with her from Maine. The driftwood had been found floating in a cove and the glass was purchased at a yard sale. With the shellac she put on the wood, she had $30 invested in it and could have easily sold it for $2000.