Behind Blue Eyes

Talking first was too much, so she started by smiling, making eye contact, and greeting those who passed by. Some greeted her back and exchanged a few words with her.

However, some other people didn't warm up to her. They resented the way she had treated them in the past, and when she extended the olive branch, they didn't reach out.

"You always were a bully and a bitch! A leopard doesn't change its spots. Your son is better off without scum like you, if you ask me," a resentful former schoolmate spat in Janice's face.

Janice's blue eyes turned into chips of ice. Taken aback by the woman's cruel attack on her, she stared at her former schoolmate, speechless.

"Let it go," her mind pleaded, even when the woman's words cut deeper than a knife.

The woman's nasty words had been so deliberate and calculated that Janice had a hard time controlling her temper. She gritted her teeth in an effort to hold her tongue. It wasn't easy. Janice could have easily lashed her out, but what Benji might think of her stopped her in her tracks.

Janice should have been enraged by what had happened, but the strongest feeling she could conjure up at the moment was exhaustion. With no warning at all, tears stung her eyes.

"I'm working on myself to be a better person for my son," she repeated to herself as a mantra.

She walked away and entered The Gazette building and started working trying to get her mind off the exchange without success.

Some hours later, Janice had the next issue of The Gazette ready. The first one, where she didn't have to write about herself. It was a relief. All she wanted was to go home, have some hot chocolate, and wait for the moment she Skype with her son. Since Robert and Benji left town, a great sadness crept in, and it would not go away.

Janice heard someone push the door open but didn't turn her head from the monitor.

Someone plopped down in one of the chairs for visitors in front of the desk.

"Hi, Sis," a well-known voice greeted her. "Is this pity party only for one?"

Janice turned her face from the monitor, and found Rain, sitting in front of her with a friendly smile on her face.

"Hello, Rain. You're welcome to join me."

"Why are you in such a depressive mood?"

"Some people have felt the need to express their opinions of me. In the last weeks, I had to bite my tongue so often that soon I won't have a tongue to speak at all," Janice explained ."You better be careful. Spending time with me won't make you too popular in the community."

Rain waved her sister's concerns away. "Family must stick together through the good and the bad."

"Thank you. I'm trying to change but I feel like no one is in my corner "

"I am," Rain said. "It might take a while, but sooner or later they'll warm up."

"I doubt it," Janice sighed.

"You have a lot of people confused because you didn't chew their heads off." Rain glanced around the room and went to a small table, hit the button on the electric kettle, and set about preparing two cups of tea. "I've prepared a special blend of tea for you."

Janice sighed. "I wish there was a magic tea for my problems."

"I thought you might need a sympathetic and understanding pair of ears. People say I'm a good listener," she said placing a cup of tea in front of Janice.

Janice lifted the cup to her lips, sipped a little, and set it down again. "It doesn't taste bad."

"What you need now is to lose your burden."

Janice let out a long sigh. As much as she wanted to air her feelings, anxiety clawed at her. She wasn't good at off-the-cuff stuff.

"You can be really annoying, you know that?" The edge of Janice's lips lifted.

Rain stuck out her tongue. "I've been told that."

Janice sighed. "You are not going to let me out of this, are you?"

Rain's lips curved in a wide smile. "Nope."

Janice smiled back at her half-sister, "I'm starting to believe that we are truly related."

"Did I hear a compliment?"

"Yes, you did, but don't let it go to your head. I still think you're nutty as a fruitcake,"

Rain actually laughed, "Oh, I embrace crazy. That must be why we get along so well."

Janice couldn't help but laugh.

"What do people say about me?" Janice asked.

"Oh, you know Middletown. They are making bets about how long it will take before you return to your old ways. Some of them don't believe you can change and not be a bitch anymore. They still have an image of who you were in their head and are not willing to let it go."

"Yeah, some of them told me what they think of me loud and clear."

Rain patted her sister's arm. "Be patient, Sis. Real change takes time. I have a great deal of faith in you."

"Thank you. You might be the only one. I've been stupidly hoping for a little compassion after my day in court."

"Believe it or not some people are rooting for you," Rain said, her voice upbeat. "Just today I was talking with Georgina Eastland about it."

Janice rubbed her chin. "The gym teacher? Well, she made a 180-degree turn in her life. She stopped chasing an impossible dream and married a nerd. I'll thank her for her support next time I see her."

Rain nodded. "Bella is rooting for you too."

"Bella? You don't mean Annabella Reed, do you? I am sure she hates my guts!"

Rain shook her head. "You're wrong. She said that if she could change her ways, you can too."

"I find it hard to believe, to be honest. I behaved badly with her. Very badly, in fact."

"May I ask what happened?" Rain asked. She had heard the story before, but she wanted to know Janice's side of the story.

"What happened was that I couldn't understand Bella's interest in a guy like Derek."

"Really? Why? Derek is so cool!"

"Yeah, he is. I know that now, but back then I let my mother's idea about what constitutes a 'good man' cloud my judgment. I wrote a bogus article trying to make them split. But they saw right through my lies, and the whole thing exploded right in my face. Did they tell you that Bella dragged me along Main Street to Derek's gym and forced a public apology out of me?"

Rain let out a long whistle. "I heard something about it. Talking about humiliating moments. No wonder why they call you the Queen of Mean."

Janice's eyes expressed deep sadness. "Truth was, I truly regretted what I had done, but it was too late. Over the next months, I became a pariah. Even nice people started referring to me as 'that bitch'," Janice let out a long sigh. "I made my bed and I've been sleeping on it since then."

A long shudder passed through her body. It was obvious that holding herself together these last few years had taken a toll on her.

Rain offered her sister a sympathetic smile. "Once you are labeled, that label sticks with you for life."

"Pretty much. I've been trying to change as a person, but people just don't buy it. They all just wrote me off."

To her dismay, Janice's eyes clouded, and then a tear slipped over her bottom lid and rolled down her cheek. "I'm an idiot. I did all those nasty things. I truly regret them."

Rain placed a hand on her sister's hand and squeezed it. "I'm sorry, Sis. Forgiveness can only be given, not taken. You need to go to the people you wronged and say you're sorry."

"It's going to be a very long list!"

"Well, the sooner you start, the sooner you'll end. You are not the person everyone thinks you are, Sis. You offered to donate bone marrow even before knowing I was your sister! Don't let what people label you, define you."

"I appreciate your words, Rain. I'll be okay. Don't worry," Janice swiped at her damp eyes with the back of her hand. "Changing subject... Do you think I am mother material?"

Rain rolled her eyes.

"Here we go again! If I didn't know you better, I'd think you have a self-esteem problem. Of course, you are! Benji is lucky to have you back in his life. Why would you think that?"

"Some people in town pointed out that I might not be a good role model for my son."

"And you told them to fuck off, of course!"

Janice lowered her head and shook her head. "The old me would have said something like that, but I didn't. I just said 'I get that I bullied you in high school. It was a mean thing to do and I'm truly sorry I hurt you. I know being sorry doesn't change anything, but I am."

Rain approved her sister's words with a nod of her head. "Did that person accept your apology?"

Janice shook her head. "No, I don't think so. My words made her even angrier. 'I don't believe you', she yelled at me."

"It may take time for people to forgive you, or to take in the fact that you have apologized."

"I know. It's a long and winding road, and I need to eat a lot of crow."

"It sounds like roles are reversed, now they are the bullies and you are the victim. The fact that you were unkind to them does not excuse their behavior."

Janice shrugged. "People have all the right to be angry with me. Usually, other people's opinions don't affect me. But this one truly hurts. I want to be a good mother to my son. Right now, Benji thinks I am some kind of hero, even when I signed off away my parental rights."

Rain nodded. "There were extenuating circumstances."

"Yes, I know, and he got that. Even Robert got that. Somehow I ended up being the victim in all this."

"That's because you were!"

"Yes, I know, but I didn't fight for my child! I should have."

"Your shoulda, coulda, woulda won't change the past. You can't make what has happened not have happened. There's no point in thinking about it unless you are learning from your mistakes. You can ruin a perfectly good future by worrying about the past."

Janice looked at her sister closely, a glimmer of respect in her eyes.

"That's actually a good piece of advice. I'm impressed."

"I know, I read it in a fortune cookie," Rain said, wiggling her eyebrows.

"What will happen when Benji discovers that I am not perfect? I am the most hated person in town. I'm not the hero he thinks I am. I am deeply flawed!"

"Children don't need us to be perfect. They just need us to love them and try to be the best that we can be," Rain offered.

Janice ignored her sister's words and kept clearing her chest.

"I have no experience being a mother at all. Having a son is a huge responsibility, and I didn't have the best parental role models growing up. My dad was a serial cheater and my mother was a self-centered, materialistic person. One of my biggest fears is that I will screw up things with my son. I don't want to be like my mother," Janice cried out loudly. "She was never happy with me. She only noticed all the bad things I did and never noticed the good in me."

Rain looked up at her sister with a sympathetic smile. "Your mother was what is called a toxic parent. They are very destructive. Some of my foster parents were like that."

Janice took another sip of her tea and said, "Very toxic."

"Learn from your mother's mistakes. Be a better mother than she ever was. I'm an orphan. I grew up without a mother. Some of my foster mothers were not bad, some were terrible people. I had to emotionally detach myself from them to survive. Strangely enough, it developed my empathy skills. Benji loves you. He is your flesh and blood. He will continue loving you, anyway."

"Will he?"

Rain's mouth curled into a full-fledged smile.

"Yeah, you're right. You were a coward who gave up her son and grew up to become a bitter woman that everyone in town hates. What can a bitch like you offer to Benji? He'll be better off without you in his life. You're not worthy of him after all. You should give up."

Janice's eyes shot daggers at her sister. "Give up my child, now that I finally have him back in my life!"

Rain pointed a finger at herself, and smiled at Janice, "Sounding board, remember?"

Rain detected a spark of amusement in Janice's eyes.

"What about Robert?" Rain asked.

"Ah, Robert! That's a whole different story," Janice admitted with reluctance. "I gave him my heart. I was planning to spend my whole life with him. Then, his father lured me into his sinister plan to split us and steal my baby, and made me believe Robert never loved me. I went from loving him to hating him, and then, with time, loving and hating him at the same time."

Janice let out a long sigh.

"You still hate him?"

Janice moved slowly her head to the sides, took another sip of tea, and said, "No, of course not. How could I still hate Robert when he was as much a victim as I was myself? If anything, I hate myself for not believing in his father's lies. Deep in my heart, I knew Bobby loved me, but even so, I bought Alistair's lies, hook, line, and sinker. Probably because, deep inside, I thought what was happening to me was too good to be true."

"A young small-town girl against a skilled liar, neither more nor less than an unscrupulous New Yorker lawyer. That's what I call a fair fight," Rain expressed with sarcasm.

"I know... I know..." Janice admitted, shaking her head.

"What are you going to do about your Robert?"

"I don't know. We shared a moment while he was staying at my place, but I'm not sure what I feel for him. Gratitude? Absolutely. Affection? For sure. Love? Here is where things get a bit tricky. We loved each other in the past. The moment we shared could be just the ashes of our old love."

"There could still be sparks under the ashes," Rain pointed out.

"We are two different people now. I don't know what Bobby feels for me."

"Only one way to know."

"On, no, I'm not going there," Janice shook a finger at her sister.

"Why not?"

"Because if things don't work with Bobby, it would be very awkward for Benji. He lives with his father. I have no desire to disrupt my relationship with my son pursuing an old love affair."

"You could have it all, Sis. You could have your son AND your boyfriend back in your life."

"I could lose it all, too." Janice made a long pause.

"Don't give up on love so easily," Rain advised her.

"I'll think about it," Janice decided to change the subject. She looked down at her sister's outfit, and asked, "Don't you have any jeans?"

"I love dresses. They make me feel all cute and feminine."

"With those shoes?" Janice regarded Rain's sandals with distaste.

"What can I say? I'm not a slave to fashion."

"I'll buy you a pair of jeans and some comfortable, but stylish shoes."

"Why your sudden interest in my wardrobe, Sis?"

"Consider it a uniform."

"Uniform?"

"You start working here with me tomorrow. If you are going to be my sounding board, I'm going to need you to be close to me. The inmates at the asylum need to stick together. Besides, I'm going to need someone to take care of the paper when I'll fly to New York next month to visit Benji."

Rain smile got wider. "See? You're a good person," she stood up and hugged Janice tight.

That night Janice thought long and hard about her talk with Rain. For the last years, Janice had been in denial of her loneliness, her lack of familiarity with anyone or anything in Middletown. Her bad attitude was just a ruse to keep anyone from getting close enough to find out her life was an emotional mess.

That needed to change. She needed a new attitude.

Did people really change?

Real, lasting, positive change?

She sure hoped so. She was going to try hard to become a better person. For Benji. For herself.

Having Robert and Benji back in her life had already changed something in her, in ways that were deep and permanent. She was not angry anymore. She didn't feel alone in the world anymore. Even if Robert and Benji lived across the country, she could still feel their presence.

***

As soon as Janice entered Derek and Bella's gym, the room went silent in shock.

She'd been building up her nerve for two days ever since the night she talked with Rain. It was a time for new beginnings.

Janice stood in the doorway, looking around for her ex-friend Bella.

They all stared at Janice with burning curiosity.

When she spotted Bella, she walked closer slowly. Both women stood facing each other. Bella crossed her arms over her chest, and stared at Janice, looking confused.

"Bella," Janice said carefully.

"What are you doing here?" Bella asked.

A knot began to grow in Janice's throat.

"I... Errr... Humm...," Janice babbled.

"Yeah?"

Janice slowly raised her head, moving inch by inch, but the power of speech seemed to have left her by the time her gaze reached Bella's face. Finally, the muscles in her throat began to work as she swallowed.

"I came to apologize to you and Derek. The heartfelt apology I owe you two. I'm so sorry for everything I did to both of you. I've been feeling so bad about it," Janice said in earnest, her eyes looking sincere.

Janice was surprised to see a flash of compassion in Bella`s eyes.

"It happened a long time ago. So, why now?"

"Just because it happened a long time ago, it doesn't make it okay. It was very wrong of me to do what I did. I do hope you and your husband both can find it in your hearts to forgive me."

When Bella said nothing, Janice went on in a rush. "I've been such a bitch to you, and I'm sorry. I have no excuses. I was wrong."

"Really?" Bella said, unable to suppress her growing smile.

"Really," Janice affirmed. "I was a terrible friend to you. I'm asking for forgiveness, Bells."

"Is this apology part of a Twelve-Step program or something?"

"Yes, it is. I'm the founder member of BA, and firmly on the wagon."

"BA?" Bella asked.

Janice managed a smile, "Bitches Anonymous. I am trying to make amends for the terrible way I treated you and Derek."

Bella raised an eyebrow. "Just the two of us?"

"Well, I have a long list of people I need to apologize to, but I decided to start with you two. We've known each other since elementary school. We used to be close friends, Bells."

"Friends? Do you mean when we were a pair of bitches that used to make fun of everyone?" Bella pushed.

Janice's gaze flicked back to Bella, and she actually thought she detected a spark of amusement in Bella's eyes. Was that possible?

"You're going to make me grovel, aren't you?" Janice asked.

"Like a worm," there was a hint of a smile and Bella's eyes.

Janice sighed. "We both changed. When I was a teenager, I was full of anger because of my parents' divorce. When I returned to Middletown I was even angrier. In both cases, I took it off with everyone around me. I don't want to be that person anymore. I'm sick of being horrible to everyone around me. Please, forgive me."

Janice's entire body was shaking by the end of that passionate declaration.

"I do forgive you, Jan," Bella finally said. She could see that Janice was about to cry, so she stepped toward her and wrapped her arms around her friend's shoulders.

"It's a long way before I can trust you, Janice. But people gave me a chance when I came back to town, and it would be wrong of me not to do the same. When someone makes the effort to change and be a better person, she deserves a second chance."

Bella looked at her husband, Derek, and he smiled and nodded. He looked at his wife with pride in his eyes.

"People can change if they truly want to," Bella concluded.

During the next weeks, Janice made a concerted effort to apologize to every person she had wronged. It was quite a task. The list wasn't short.

Janice felt a deep pull inside to right every wrong she had committed.

People were usually a little surprised and suspicious.

Some accepted her apology and invited her into their homes. Some people were reluctant to forgive her and let Janice know that. A small group closed the door in her face. They thought Janice's change wasn't real and seemed content to go along with their anti-Janice agenda.

When Janice finished her list, she felt like a different person no matter the result. She felt light like a giant weight had been lifted off her head. She was ready to start living a different life.