Being Jim Ch. 06: Lessons of Life Pt. 06

Sometime later the same nurse that had tried to bar Maggie from seeing Penny came out of the bay and knelt down in front of Maggie. She laid her hand on Maggie and Jules' hands and told Maggie and the rest of us how sorry she was for our loss. She said they had removed all the tubes and IV's and were about ready to transport her body. "Her body..." I heard over and over in my mind... with an ache in the hole where my heart used to be I wondered where they had taken Michelle... her body... The nurse asked us if we wanted a moment with her before they moved her. Maggie couldn't speak but she nodded yes. So Jules and I walked with her back into that curtained room to see our beloved Penny one last time.

The tubes and IV's were all gone, someone had cleaned Penny's face and her one exposed hand of the bloodstains that had been there just a short time ago. The side of her face that was free of bandages looked almost peaceful, as if she were only sleeping. Maggie picked up Penny's hand and clutched it in both of hers and held it to her heart, her body wracked with silent sobs. I had my left hand on Maggie's back so I felt every one of those sobs. Jules was standing to Maggie's left with her right hand around Maggie's waist. Jules took her left hand and gently brushed a few stray strawberry blonde locks from Penny's face then leaned down and kissed her forehead with a gentleness I've never seen in her before. Her lips quivering as she struggled against the painful emotions that all three of us were dealing with. Maggie reached up with her left hand and touched her fingers gently to Penny's lips, no doubt remembering the many times she had kissed them and been kissed by them. Maggie pulled back as if collecting her herself and glanced at Jules. Turning to her she wrapped her in her arms and they stood together, each with their face buried in the other's neck and shoulder, and wept. I stepped up to Penny's silent still frame and picked up that lifeless immaculately manicured hand, the glossy red polish still looked wet... some small part in my brain noted that it almost looked like blood. I held her hand to my cheek and sobbed like a little girl before kissing the back of her hand one more time and gently laying it beside her. Turning away from the bedside I was once more enveloped in the arms of both Jules and Maggie. Maggie kissing my cheek repeatedly while Jules merely rested her forehead to mine, and we all wept.

In time nurses or orderlies quietly announced their presence, and gently ushered us out of the bay. Taking the hint, the three of us made our way to the waiting room to sit and collect ourselves a bit. Moments after sitting down, together again, people started coming in. People that were looking for Maggie, and Penny, all of them girls, or women I guess. I know now that they were all former students of Maggie and Penny. Word had gotten out that Penny had been in a car accident and everyone who could made their way to be here for her and Maggie for support. I was surprised to see that three of them were ladies I had worked and still worked with at Dom's. Some seemed familiar, perhaps from school I don't know, my mind was split like it had never been before. I was seeing and observing things as if I were outside of my own body and experience. My very soul still screamed in agony and shock, my very core was both a raging fire and a cold lifeless dark pit. Many years later I would understand that this was a form of psychotic split. My mind had fractured as it tried to disassociate itself from the pain in a form of denial. Well it must not have been complete because I still felt the pain, the anguish, and the loss.

While Maggie and to a lesser degree Jules were being mobbed by crying friends, I excused myself to find a restroom. I really did have to empty my bladder but that was only an excuse to give the girls and Maggie a little more room. Coming out of the restroom that was somewhat closer to the entrance to the Emergency Room Waiting area I was nearly run over by Sam who came through the doorway. She was nearly blind with reddened eyes and tear stained cheeks. Sam realized who I was and suddenly I found myself in a desperate clutching bear hug with Sam's face in my neck and shoulder whispering over and over.

"I'm so sorry Jim... I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry..." she sobbed over and over. I could feel fresh tears running from her cheeks to my neck. I melted into her arms and returned the hug, perhaps with not the same ferocity but I held her tightly until she made to break the embrace. I know I had tears of my own but by this point I was incapable of speech because of the lump in my throat. Sam looked up at me at arm's length and asked.

"Maggie?"

I closed my eyes and nodded my head towards the crowd in the waiting room. Sam squeezed my arms once more and left me to find Maggie... and Jules. I watched at the crowd sensing a new arrival parted and then Sam was standing in front of Maggie. Maggie opened her arms and they too embraced in a sobbing heart wrenching hug. Jules was standing beside them stroking each of their backs. In a few moments, Sam broke away from Maggie and practically leapt into Jules' arms. Now it was everyone else that surrounded the two of them and were stroking their backs and heads and shoulders, simply touching them lending them their emotional support. It was a tableau that would be forever etched in my memory. For some reason is just seemed to overwhelm me, I had to separate myself from the crowd. Perhaps some part of me didn't want to share my grief, it was special, like my love of the two women who were just stolen away from my heart and my life. Perhaps some part of me just wanted to run away from the pain and the hurt I was I feeling, such a sense of loss. It couldn't be real could it? No, this was all just a bad bad dream, a nightmare. Surely I'll wake up and everything will be fine.

I found myself sitting alone on a bench outside the Emergency Room entrance. People were coming and going but I was oblivious to them and everything else. My eyes were open but I saw nothing but memories, sweet sweet cherished memories, the only things I had left of Penny and my Michelle. God it hurt. I'm not sure how long I had been sitting there or how long Maggie had been with me when her voice drew me back from my sweet reflections.

"She knew Jim..." Maggie repeated again softly, her head resting on my shoulder, her right arm around my back as she was sitting tight to my side. "She knew that Michelle was gone... and when she saw you... it... it broke her heart to know the pain you were feeling." Maggie sobbed quietly and sniffed repeatedly before she found her voice again. "Penny loved both of you so much... she had such hopes that the two of you would stay together. She said it was a match made in heaven and we got to play guiding angels for the two of you." Maggie continued. Then she huffed a small laugh and added. "She told me that if Michelle did move on that she would claim you for herself until the next girl claimed you." Again a small strained laugh and a long long labored inhale. "I told her she would have to fight me for you first." With this Maggie dissolved into more wracking sobs that were mixed with that sad laughter.

"I would never have let the two of you fight over me..." I choked out, trying to smile but failing miserably. I laid my head over onto Maggie's, sniffing and sobbing myself as well. "I would have given both of you anything you wanted freely and happily... I was... am... still learning after all." Sobbing... "Maggie... this is one lesson that I really really don't like... it hurts too much..." And that was all I could say for more time than I can recollect. We sat there holding hands, head to head sobbing and leaning on one another, taking what strength we could and giving as much back. Silent... enough had been said for the time being.

The events that followed after sitting on that bench with Maggie are still a clouded misty memory at best. I know that at some point someone came and collected Maggie to take care of some paperwork concerning Penny. Jules and Sam came and collected me and took me back to Dom's. I honestly don't remember much of any of it. It was all a fog. My first awareness or at least the first clear memory after the fog was my sitting on my tailgate in the parking lot at Dom's Jules was sitting to my right and Sam was sitting to my left. I had a bottle of Pepsi in my hand, Sam and Jules each had a beer. We were just sitting there holding the bottles, no one was actually drinking anything. There was very little talk either. It was just the being there, together that was important. Sam broke the silence, hesitantly. In almost a reverent whisper, she haltingly explained that she had spoken to the ambulance crew that had responded to the accident. They were still at the hospital doing paperwork while we were there earlier. She happened to know one of the guys on the crew. It was a bad wreck, one of the worst they had ever responded to actually. A drunk driver had run a red light at high speed and his car had t-boned Penny's car in the intersection, his car struck Penny's on the passenger side almost bending her car in half. They had had to wait on the fire department to cut the car apart to extract Penny, and Michelle. Michelle had been in the passenger seat, she never stood a chance. They had been shocked when Penny had moaned when they tried to move her. They had thought she was already dead. So the mad rush to the hospital and the emergency room.

My mind had split again, as Sam told the story. Part of my brain hung on every word, wanting to know every last detail because it was important, it was Penny and Michelle... their last fateful moments. The other part of my brain was screaming from the very pit of my soul, again. That silent endless scream of agony, loss and rage... I was angry at the world, at god, at everything that should have prevented this... this... tragedy. Outwardly I appeared calm, almost as if I were sedated somehow. I guess in a way I was. I was numb physically. My eyes burned but I had no more tears to shed as I sat there listening to how the girl I was madly in love with, vanished.

I realized how late it was when the store manager at Dom's joined us at my tailgate. They had closed up the shop already, it was pushing two in the morning. She brought me another cold bottle of Pepsi and told me how sorry she was. She also said that I didn't need to worry about working this weekend if I wasn't up to it, everyone would understand, just let her know when I was ready to come back to work. Jules leaned over and put her head on my shoulder and offered to drive me home if I wanted. I leaned my head onto hers and thanked her but told her that I thought I could manage to drive myself home. She hesitated a bit looking at Sam and then back at me before deciding to take me at my word. Sam had asked to spend the night with Jules as she really didn't want to go back to her and Michelle's house alone. Hearing that I thought of Maggie and my heart tore a little bit more. That house would no longer be a home, it would be just a house, a building where love once lived. Taking a deep breath, I hopped down off my tailgate and hugged Jules and Sam and my manager before closing the tailgate and climbing into my truck.

Yeah more lost time. No recollection of the drive home. My next conscious thought was the sound of the screen door from the kitchen to the back porch on the farm squeaking open and my Dad coming out with a cup of coffee and taking a seat in the chair next to mine. We both watched the sun rise over the horizon. I know he must have been studying me and he knew that I was upset, but he let me be the one to speak first... if I could.

"It's true..." I began in a choked voice. "The sun will come up again despite everything." I added and sniffed trying not to tear up again as all the things that had happened yesterday flooded my mind and my heart again.

"Bad night?" Dad asked probing softly.

"You could say that..." I barked with an angry pitiful half laugh.

Dad just sipped his coffee knowing that I would elaborate when I could. I guess he could see my red swollen eyes and my tear stained cheeks, or maybe it was the look of total loss on my face. No animation, no joy whatsoever.

"Dad... She's gone..." I gasped, and the waterworks began anew. I went on to tell him in my quiet halting words about how I loved Michelle like no other... and how she loved me. But she had died in a car wreck yesterday. She was dead and gone. And to make matters worse so was one of my tutors. She and Michelle had been in the same car when they had been struck by a drunk driver. Both were now dead and gone. My dad just sat there listening patiently, quietly, letting me get it out. When I was done he asked me one more question.

"The last time you spoke with her, was she happy?" He asked softly.

"Yes she was." I croaked out, my voice failing me once more.

"Remember that Jim. I know it doesn't help much right now. Nothing else I could tell you would make any of this any better. That's the nature of loss. But remember the joy. That will be with you forever. Never forget it. Hang on to it. When you think of her, think of the happiness and joy, and your love. Isn't that how you would want anyone to remember you?" He ended with that simple question. Then he stood up and put his hand on my shoulder for a moment in silent support for his eldest son. "I'll let your mother know and tell your brother and sisters to let you be today. When you're ready, go on up to bed and sleep as long as you want. If you want or need to talk later today I'll be here." With that my father left me to ponder his words as I sat there watching the early morning begin a new day.

"Remember the Joy" I thought to myself over and over and over that Weekend. I cried when I was alone with my thoughts. When I was around the rest of my family I remained quiet and withdrawn. My brother and sisters weren't sure what to make of it but they left me alone. My mom, well, she was a mom, she wanted to help her baby boy. It was breaking her heart that I was so hurt. The soft touches, the hugs, waiting on me hand and foot, not that it did much good but she tried to help all the same. "Remember the Joy." It became a mantra that I clung to like a life line.

Monday morning came around and I still felt like an empty shell but I knew that I had obligations to attend to. I tended the animals as I normally would, I made the trek to the University stadium parking lot and then caught a bus to campus. I made my way to my one Monday class. I might as well have sat outside and stared at a blank wall for all the good it did me though. My mind was gone, or at least it certainly wasn't in class. Returning to my truck in the stadium parking lot after class I sat behind the wheel and just zoned out. At some point I came to the decision that I had to reach out. I knew that I was not the only one hurting over this tragedy. Of course this also led me to wonder about the arrangements, I knew I had to go to the funerals. I drove myself to Dom's, my intention was to try to get a hold of Jules or Sam or perhaps call Maggie. Damn it hurt just to think about it... but this wasn't about me.

My manager was working that afternoon and was happy to see me. The store wasn't busy so she sat with me at the desk in the back and exchanged small talk. I asked her if she had heard from Jules and she told me that Jules was working that evening and was due in any minute. So we just chatted and passed the time. Jules did come in shortly and she was doing far better than I was from the outward looks of it. But then she was a couple of years older than me and in my mind wiser in the worldly ways. Not saying a word, she just gave me a sad smile and walked over to me and wrapped her arms around my shoulders from behind me resting her head against mine. I patted her arms in silent thanks as we held the embrace for maybe longer than needed. When I found my voice I asked her quietly if she had heard anything about arrangements or funerals. She told me that Maggie had asked her to relay to me that she wanted to talk to me when I was up to it. As far as Michelle however she said that Sam was in contact with her parents and would let us know. Jules asked me to hang on a minute and she went up front to use the phone. In a few minutes she came back to the manager's desk and told me she had just called Maggie. Maggie had asked if I could come by the house to see her. To be honest I had a bolt of cold dread shoot through me at the thought of going to that house, with all the memories it held. But once more I heard the words from my dad echo in my mind... "Remember the joy." Damn.

I thanked Jules, and gave her another brief hug and told her I'd catch up with her later. I thanked my manager and told her I'd be in touch soon. It wasn't long before I pulled up in front of Maggie and Penny's house. I sat in my truck trying to pull myself together and steel myself for the emotional ordeal I was about to endure. Eventually I got out and went to the door and rang the bell. A few moments passed before the door opened and there stood Maggie. She was dressed much like I remembered her in high school years ago. I supposed she had been out today and simply hadn't changed since she got home. Her eyes were puffy and sad but when she saw me at the door her face broke into a warm if sad smile. She silently ushered me inside and after closing the door she wrapped me in her arms and hugged me fiercely, her face buried in the crook of my neck. No words were uttered just the flood of emotions that passed between us, a shared grief. After some time she released me and pulled back at arm's length to study my face. Taking my hand she led me up the stairs to the living room and we both sat side by side on the couch. Maggie continued to hold my hand as we sat in silence collecting our thoughts. I looked around thinking about the first day of my "lessons" sitting on this very couch and studying the room. Of course that brought back a flood of memories of Penny, that quirky vivacious woman. A single tear broke loose and ran down my cheek. Maggie reached up with one hand and gently wiped it away before patting my hand held in hers.

"I'm having the same problem darling..." Maggie said softly. "Everywhere I look I see Penny, everything I see reminds me of her... it's so hard. It's the hardest thing I've ever dealt with in my life, losing her." She admitted. I could feel her pain in her words, it caused me to hurt in a different way. This was pain I understood, I shared it. And those words from my father echoed yet again... I squeezed Maggie's hand.

"My father said something to me the other day, something that has stuck in my mind even with all this hurt and loss. He told me to 'Remember the joy.' At first I thought it was just his way of trying to console me, but I think I see the wisdom behind the words now. It's hard, especially with so much pain and sorrow but... I want to believe in them." I said in a broken voice. "To remember the happiness, the love, the joy that Michelle... and Penny... were. They would not want to be remembered as a source of pain or anguish. That's not who they were. So I keep telling myself over and over... Remember the joy." I said with a heavy sigh and snorted back another load of tears I felt welling up in my eyes. Maggie's hands squeezed mine as she silently pondered what I had just said.

"Your father is a wise man Jim, and you are as well. I've always known that you were a kind and gentle soul, mature far beyond your years. There are those who would call you an "old soul", that perhaps you've been around this thing called life a few times already. I'm not sure if I believe in that but there are times that explanations like that seem to fit. Penny was another 'old soul' I think. That may have been why the two of you clicked right from the start." Maggie sighed and wiped her eyes before going on. "God this is hard Jim... There's not going to be a service or a funeral. Penny had told me years ago that she didn't want people, friends standing around grieving over her when she was gone. She instead wished to be cremated, and if there was to be a gathering then to let it be a celebration... a party..." Maggie gasped... "...to remember the joy... Her exact words." She said and then fell silent again. A chill ran through me hearing those words, but something else too. There was in some small way a sense of lightening, as if a weight of some sort had lifted from my soul.