Being Jim Ch. 06: Lessons of Life Pt. 06

"That sounds just like her..." I admitted with a wry grin.

"I'm going to sell the house." Maggie stated matter of factly. "There's nothing here for me now. My sister in Florida has asked me to come live with her... I think that's what I'm going to do." She added in almost a whisper. "I'll get you the address and phone so that you can reach me if you want to." She sounded almost hopeful as she squeezed my hand again.

"I would like that." I told her. Before I could say anything else the doorbell rang.

"Who could that be?" Maggie asked as she stood to go to answer the door. I stood as well but didn't follow her to the door. At the landing, Maggie opened the door and I heard a familiar voice, Jules. There were muffled greetings and from what I could hear and imagine tearful hugs as well. I heard the door close and then steps coming up the stairs. Maggie and Jules and Sam.

"Hey..." Said Jules with a half wave of the hand.

"Hi Jim." Sam said with a sad smile on her face.

"Let's go to the kitchen and I'll make some tea." Maggie addressed to all of us. So we followed her into the kitchen. Sam and I took seats as Jules got cups from the cupboard and spoons while Maggie filled the kettle and put it on the stove to boil before reaching to get the tea bags and sugar.

"I spoke with Michelle's mom this morning." Sam began in a subdued voice. The funeral service is going to be Wednesday morning at their church and then another shorter service at the cemetery. She asked me to tell anyone who wanted to know, her friends." Sam added in a tight voice. This had to be tearing her apart as well I realized. I reached over and took her hand in mine and squeezed it in silent support and understanding. Sam looked up at me her dark brown eyes shining with unspilled tears. It was a somber table as the hot water was poured from the kettle into the tea cups. Spoons clinked as sugar was stirred into the hot brew. I heard more than a couple of sniffs as one or more of us were still trying to fight back tears. Maggie went on to tell Jules and Sam about Penny's wishes for some sort of celebration in lieu of a more traditional funeral service. A date had not been set yet but we were all invited whenever it was held. Maggie also told Jules and Sam that she would be selling the house before too long and moving to Florida to live with her sister. Once more the table fell silent as we all pondered the future. After a while the memories of the house and Penny and all that had transpired there got too heavy for my heart to bear, I had to leave. I confirmed the time for Michelle's funeral with Sam and the cemetery of course. Jules and Maggie were holding hands as they both watched me writing down the information as Sam gave it to me. As I stood and pocketed the directions I stepped over to Maggie who was still seated. I bent over and kissed her head and in a choked voice I said softly... "Remember the Joy..." and gripped her shoulder before seeing myself out the front door.

I skipped my classes on Tuesday and asked my mom to iron my only suit that fit, well the pants and shirt anyway. My jacket was far too small to even consider anymore, my dad came through for me though. He loaned me one of his and it wasn't really too big on me. Wednesday morning I rose early and tended the animals as usual. I shaved and showered mostly on autopilot as my conscious thoughts were far from what I was actually doing. The entire morning I had been steeling myself, preparing for the pain and anguish that I knew I would face head on yet again at Michelle's funeral. With a sad understanding smile my mom and dad saw me off. I stopped at a florists shop on my way to buy some flowers for Michelle's grave. The sales lady asked me what I was looking for and in a choked quiet voice I told her what it was for. She suggested instead of a large bouquet perhaps I should get but a single rose... she asked me if the departed was family or a friend. I told her that she was my girlfriend... A look of sadness washed over her face and she told me how sorry she was for me. She picked out a beautiful deep red rose and bound it with a small amount of baby's breath and some florist's tape. When I went to pay for it she refused my money and said it was on the house, and again offered her condolences. I thanked her and left to make the final leg of my fateful journey.

At the appointed time I arrived at the cemetery just as the funeral procession was entering the grounds. I waited for the hearse and all the family's cars to pass by first. I eventually followed and found a parking space from which to walk from. From a distance well away from the family and close friends I watched with a leaden heart as they opened the rear doors of the hearse and withdrew the casket. I knew that it had been a closed casket service earlier, and I watched as they set a glossy framed photograph atop the casket once it was in place at the grave. The family all took seats and everyone gathered in closer as the funeral home attendees set about the flowers and bouquets that others had sent. I leaned bodily against a huge shady oak tree, not trusting myself to be able to remain upright as the priest began the eulogy with a short prayer. The sniffling murmurs of the small crowd as many teary eyes were wiped nearly drowned out the words from the priest, but then I was yards away, unobtrusive, not hiding but not wanting to intrude on this a very family centered event.

After the short eulogy, a woman sang a hymn that I was unfamiliar with but it seemed to comfort some of those in attendance... As she sang people began filing past the family giving their condolences and touching the casket or offering small prayers. Some left flowers on the casket. Soon most of the crowd that was going to approach the casket had done so, the others had drifted off towards their cars or to other grave markers perhaps to visit other loved ones while they were here. I saw a familiar face even if I almost didn't recognize her because of the dress she was wearing. Sam, she was dressed in a modest black dress with black stockings and some sort of dress sandals with heels. Gone was her ubiquitous ball cap and for once she didn't have her facial piercings in evidence, just some simple earrings. In her hand she clutched some tissues that had been in use. As she approached the casket I saw a woman in the front row catch Sam's arm and have her bend down to whisper to her. I noticed that the woman looked my way as did the man sitting next to her. Sam turned my way and saw me then turned back to the woman and nodded and spoke something. The woman looked at me once more then spoke to Sam who again nodded then stood up and turned to walk to the tree where I was still listing against clutching my lone red rose.

"Hi Jim." Sam smiled sadly as she neared me. "I almost didn't recognize you dressed in a suit." She added. I returned her smile with a sad smile as well.

"I could say the same for you bud. Though I must say, you clean up way better than I do." I said only half teasing her.

"Well remember it cause you're not likely to ever see me wearing a dress again in this lifetime... but you know I had to for Chelle." She choked out nearly breaking down but sniffed and stood up a little straighter. She was on a mission after all and had more to say.

"Hey Jim, Chelle's Mom and Dad would like to meet you if you're up to it. I know it's really... really hard... but it would mean a lot to them." She added and her lip began to tremble as her eyes welled up with tears and she began dabbing the damp tissue to her cheeks.

"I don't know Sam... I'm not sure that would be appropriate... I mean..." I began as I stood up straighter from the tree and fidgeted nervously.

"It's okay Jim, they don't know about your spending the night or anything but even if they did it wouldn't matter I think. This is about Michelle. It's important Jim, please..." Sam all but begged. I looked into her sad soulful big brown eyes and sighed and nodded. Sam reached out and took my hand and walked with me over to the graveside. As we approached both the woman who I knew for certain now was Michelle's mother and the man, her father rose from their chairs. He offered his arm and she wrapped her hand in it for support.

"John, Maddy... this is Jim. Jim this is Michelle's mother and father." Sam said introducing us. Chelle's mom looked me up and down in an appraising way that only a mother can do. Noting the obvious red swollen eyes and tear stains on my cheeks, the somber suit and lastly the single red rose I clutched in my hand as if my very life depended on it, judgment was swift and final. Maddy's eyes softened and she let go of her husband's arm and embraced me in a fierce hug and sobbed into my chest. I couldn't speak if I wanted to, I was suddenly blinded by my own tears and I tilted my head up towards the heavens gasping for breath to steady myself but having to struggle to do so. I felt Michelle's father's hand on my shoulder as if to steady me. A firm but gentle grasp letting me know that he knew how I felt, as he too was too choked up to speak. After a few moments Maddy steadied herself and released me to just arm's length to study my face anew.

"So this is the young man that had my baby head over heels in love." She said as if she were not entirely surprised. "Michelle couldn't say enough about the boy who swept her off her feet. She went on and on about meeting you in a typing class back in high school but then losing track of you until a couple of months ago. She had planned on bringing you to dinner at our house soon so that we could meet you..." Maddy gushed but then the gravity of the situation rushed back in and her bottom lip began trembling again as her eyes overflowed with tears. Once more she hugged me fiercely and wept openly before pulling me along with her to the casket where she reached out with her right hand and laid it on the polished wooden lid.

Standing there with Michelle's mother looking at the glossy framed photograph of a smiling girl I loved more than life itself... I knew this was the last time I would ever be this close. This would be goodbye. With a trembling hand I reached out and gently laid my single red rose atop the casket at the base of the framed photograph. Maddy drew her right hand from the casket to cover her mouth and nose as she choked before saying in a voice so soft that it will echo in my heart and mind for the rest of my life...

"Jim... she loved you truly... and I know you loved her... but you must promise me this... no, promise to Michelle... in time you must go on. You must love another. She would want that." Maddy then laid her hand softly on my forearm before turning to her husband and the two of them slowly walking off towards their car I stood by the casket rooted the very soil that would soon entomb my Michelle. After a few minutes I felt Sam's arm slip into mine and she gently turned me away from the casket and began walking with me away from the grave. She didn't say anything but just having her there with me was enough. We walked through the tombstones and the ornamental trees and flowers that bloomed everywhere. Sometime later I guess we were both cried out, again, and we had found our way back to my pick up. I leaned back against the side and Sam leaned back along side of me.

"I heard what she said to you Jim... Maddy..." Sam spoke softly. "It's true you know? Michelle would have wanted you to go on, to love again someday." She added with a tight voice. "You know I loved her too, right? But buddy she was nuts over you... I can see why. You're the real deal bud." Sam snorted with choked laughter and added. "Hell, even I might give you a whirl and that's saying a lot!"

"Sam... You would make anyone happy, male or female, don't sell yourself short... I know better." I smiled sadly and nudged her with my left elbow. "And Sam... Thanks... I mean it. This has been so hard, and I know it's been just as hard for you... so... thanks." I choked out and sniffed determined not to start shedding tears yet again.

"You take care of you bud... Hey... I'll see you around, right? Don't be a stranger, okay?" She said with a quivering smile.

"Yeah, sure. You take care too." I said and pushed off to stand straight but before I could turn to open my truck door. Sam wrapped her arms around me and squeezed hard in a bear hug to rival any I had ever felt before. Feeling the moment was important to her I returned the embrace and held her tight and stroked her short hair on the back of her head and whispered my mantra, the words of wisdom given to me by my father... "Remember the joy." I felt Sam take in a deep breath and sigh then released her fierce grip on me and parted.

"I will... you do the same." She said as she turned and walked off towards the parking area and not looking back. I glanced back towards Michelle's grave site and saw that the attendants were lowering the casket into the grave and my heart lurched once more and I had to swallow a lump in my throat. I opened my truck door and climbed in. I drove away from that hallowed ground, from the final resting place of the girl that changed my heart and life. Too brief was the time we shared but I knew that I would forever have her in my heart and in my mind. She had marked my very soul with her love and personality. When I close my eyes I can still see those breathtaking blue green gems with the tiny golden flecks... looking at me with the purest of love. Perhaps it was the philosopher in me but some part of my brain registered that all of this was but another of Life's lessons. Good or bad, life will go on. "Remember the joy..."

There was a wake for Penny. It was held at Maggie's house, many friends and many former students both from school and from Maggie and Penny's tutoring attended. I made a brief appearance but felt out of place and frankly unsettled by the surroundings, just too many raw memories there in that house. Fond memories to be sure but at present they only brought pain. Maggie had Penny's remains, her ashes in a porcelain urn, it was light blue, like Penny's eyes, trimmed in white much like her bedroom décor. There was a framed photograph of a younger smiling Penny waving at the photographer, the joy in her eyes and on her face was evident. Someone had put a pair of Penny's silk slippers next to the urn. Seeing that I smiled and choked up at the same time. Maggie had come up beside me as I looked at the urn and photo, and saw the slippers. She wrapped one arm around my waist and squeezed gently but said nothing and just laid her head on my shoulder. I reached out and reverently touched the urn as if to wish Penny one last farewell. I think Maggie sensed what I was doing. Before I could draw my hand back however Maggie whispered in my ear.

"Pick up the urn and look on the bottom." She sighed lightly as if she had been holding her breath. Giving a Maggie a quizzical glance I reached out with both hands and gently picked up the urn and tilted it over to see the bottom. There painted in a fine neat flowing script were those words again... "Remember the Joy." I gave a small gasp. Then looked again to make sure I hadn't simply imagined it. Nope, it was still there. Smiling, I gently returned the urn to the table top. Turning to Maggie I searched those liquid amber eyes of hers. She merely smiled warmly and blinked slowly and nodded knowing I would understand. Maggie then handed me a post card with an address and phone number on it. She told me that would be where she'd be living before too long and that if I ever traveled to Florida she would appreciate it if I were to visit her. I told her I would. Maggie was soon called off to the other people here for Penny's celebration. I quietly made my exit and left.

Maggie did sell the house. She moved to Florida to live with her sister, and Penny is still with her. Penny is still with me as well. She will forever be a part of me in my heart and soul, sharing space with Michelle. You might say that they laid the foundations for many who would follow throughout my life. Love does that to you, it changes you, it shapes you, it leaves a mark on your heart and soul. Every person you love becomes part of who you are. Life will run out, we will all pass when our time is up. But the love will go on. All we have to do is remember...