Being Jim Ch. 08: Lightning Strikes

I think she finally understood what I had in mind when we pulled into the park and drove around the lake to our picnic table. We got out of the car and walked hand in hand to the table and sat down to watch the sun set on the other side of the lake. Of course, we were mobbed by the ducks and Kathie actually giggled a bit at their antics before they wandered off disappointed that we had no food for them. Sitting side by side on the table with our feet on the bench seat, Kathie clutched her heart pendant in her left hand and my right hand in hers... I put my left arm around her shoulder and she leaned into me as we watched the slow decline of the sun. We sat in silence for a while, other than an occasional sniffle from one or the other of us. It was Kathie who finally broke the silence.

"She's not hurting anymore..." the words were spoken so softly I almost didn't hear them. I squeezed her hand gently with my own but kept silent yet.

"She told me the other night that she was sorry that she was such a burden on me and Grace." Kathie spoke softly again and pressed her head harder against my shoulder and sniffed new tears.

"She loved you very much Kathie, you were the world to her." I spoke softly into her hair and squeezed her shoulder. Kathie gave a little bark almost a laugh.

"She adored you too you know." Kathie said and squeezed my hand for emphasis. "In her eyes you were my knight in shining armor... In my eyes too babe." Kathie then took a big deep breath and began shaking again. "This is so hard Jim... I don't know what to do... she's gone." She sobbed. I just held her quietly and let her cry some more. In my mind I kept hearing the mantra I said for the longest time when I endured my own loss some years back. Words that my own father had given me.

"Kath... I know nothing I say right now can ease your pain. I know, I've been there. I do want to say something though, something you might think about. Years ago, when I lost Michelle..." I gasped at my own pain in my heart revisited... "When I lost Michelle, my father told me something that did help me eventually. It took me a long time to actually figure it out and see the wisdom in the words." I paused partly to make sure I could word it to make sense for Kathie and partly to see if she were actually listening to me. She was, she turned her red teary eyes to me with a glimmer of hope in them. She was desperate to ease this enormous pain she was feeling. So, I went on.

"If it were the other way around... had it been you that passed instead of your mom..., would you want her to be in pain or heart sick every time she thought of you?" I asked... Kathie shook her head, her eyes filling yet again with tears. "My father told me to think of the good times, the happiness the love and joy you shared together. You need to... remember the joy. I know that's how I would like to be remembered when I go. I want people to think of me and smile and feel the love that we shared, the happiness and the joy." I told Kathie and she got a faraway look in her eyes as she looked inside herself as she mulled over the words I had just spoken. She leaned her head once more into my shoulder and took another long shuddering breath.

We sat like that gazing across the lake as the sun dipped below the horizon and the golden light on the lake began to fade to the azure blues and darkness of the coming night. I was surprised that no one came by to run us out of the park now that it was dark. Eventually Kathie squeezed my hand and spoke softly in a steady voice.

"Thank you, Jim, that does help... what you said. I know mom would not want me to cry over her, even if I can't help myself." I squeezed her shoulder again and lifted my hand to her chin and turned it to look me in the face. Well, as much as she could in the new darkness of the evening anyway.

"I didn't say that you shouldn't cry babe. You're going to cry and cry and cry and then cry some more, it's what we mortals do when we hurt. The tears will pass though, and when they do you need to grab on to those good memories and hang on tight. Cherish them. When you feel sad, think of something happy that you shared. Remember the joy, not the sadness." I reinforced what I had said earlier. Kathie looked at me and nodded her head. I leaned over and kissed her forehead before wrapping both arms around her and hugging her tightly.

"Remember the joy..." She repeated into my neck as we hugged. Not long after that we walked back to my car and then drove back to the house.

We found Grace sitting at the kitchen table, her head down in her hands with her elbows propped on the table top. There was a pad of paper and a pen in front of her with notes scribbled in her handwriting, names listed and scratched through, dates written beside them and additional phone numbers. She raised her weary red rimmed eyes to us as we entered the kitchen. There was a sad smile on her face but the pain was still there. Kathie walked to her and wrapped her arms around her neck and hugged her to her chest and kissed the top of her head.

I ended up spending the night that fateful day. Kathie and I both fell asleep on her bed fully clothed with her held in my arms. She just needed someone to hold her. The next morning was somber, as to be expected, it was a Sunday and Grace wanted to attend mass. Kathie and I went along too even though I was not of the Catholic faith. I felt awkward dressed in my regular street clothes, the same ones I began the day with yesterday in fact. But it was not about me it was just my giving support to the girl I loved in the time of her need.

The three of us sat at the back of the congregation as we were not regular members of this parish but we were welcomed all the same. I did speak with a young priest briefly while everyone was being seated before the mass began. I told him that Kathie's mom had passed just yesterday and why I was here with them. He thanked me for the information and stopped by the pew and had a few words with Grace and Kathie before going about his duties or whatever.

There was no announcement during the mass but the priest giving the sermon did make a point of speaking with Grace and Kathie again when the mass was over. He offered confession and or to sit with them privately and pray with them if they were so inclined. The girls thanked him but declined. He said he would pray for Elly and the family and blessed them before we left.

Back at the house an eerie quiet that greeted us. The big old house seemed different now, even to me. It was as if a warmth had left the building. Yeah, it all looked the same, but again... it was just quiet. Grace excused herself saying that she was going to lie down for a while. Before she left the room, the kitchen where we were all standing, she gave Kathie a long hug... and turned to go upstairs... but she stopped and looked at me askingly. I nodded slightly and opened my arms wide as she stepped in and we hugged as well. In my ear she whispered an urgent plea so softly that I almost imagined it.

"Please stay with her Jim." Then she broke our hug as if she hadn't spoken anything. I looked her in her eye and nodded slightly again to which she gave me a sad smile before turning and continuing into the foyer and then on upstairs.

I turned to see Kathie standing at the end of the counter near the stove, one hand extended and her fingers delicately touching an upended earthenware mug with a raised heart that formed the "O" in Mom raised and painted on the side. As I stepped towards her, I heard her mumble just barely under her breath. Her left hand clutching her double heart pendant and the fingers of her right touching the mug...

"Remember the Joy..." Her lips barely moving other than to tremble and quiver... a single tear escaped her eye and ran slowly down her right cheek. I wrapped my arms around her waist from behind and snuggled my chin in the crook of her neck at her shoulder and just stood there holding her. Letting her know that she was not alone. Eventually she withdrew her right hand and made to turn in my arms.

Looking up at me with those watery red rimmed but still infinitely beautiful grey brown eyes... there was such sadness in them that it made my own heart hurt at her pain. It was a pain that I was all too familiar with and I knew how raw and overwhelming it was for her at this time. I raised my right hand from her waist to gently push a few stray locks of her long curly hair from her face behind her left ear. I tipped her head forward and I kissed her forehead gently. Kathie leaned into me and placed her head on my shoulder and we just stood there a while.

Eventually Kathie took a long deep breath and pulled back from me a bit. She reached for my left hand with her right and turned to lead me across the kitchen and down the hall to her late mother's room. As we entered the room it seemed so dark and gloomy with the low light of the bedside lamp and the curtains drawn.

The room still smelled of disinfectant and other smells associated with the in-firmed. Releasing my hand Kathie walked to the window and opened the curtains wide and raised the shades. She tried to open the window but struggled as it was stuck. I went over and helped her open it up. A breeze of fresh air immediately began flowing into the room causing the curtains to flutter.

Kathie crossed her arms and turned to look about the room. In my mind she was looking for her mother, or perhaps memories of her in any case. She picked up a shawl from the back of the chair next to one side of the bed and held it to her face and inhaled a long breath through her nose, smelling her mother's faint scent.

Still clutching the shawl in one hand she walked to the side of the bed and reached out to touch a picture of herself with her mother and her aunt Grace from some time in their collective past. Kathie looked to be about twelve years old maybe a little older. The three were all smiling and looked as if they had just shared a good laugh.

Kathie picked up the photo in its frame and turned and sat on the edge of the bed. She looked up at me and twitched her head as if to say come join me, so I did. I sat next to her on the bed and put my right arm around her shoulder and she leaned into me.

"We were so happy back then... Life was so much simpler." Kathie said as she stroked a finger across the surface of the picture, touching her mother's face.

"This was taken at a family picnic. I think it was a reunion or something, I don't remember exactly." She added before she drew the picture to her breast as if to hug it or maybe to hug her mother one last time.

"She'll always be with you Kath... in your heart, in your soul... she's part of you... and always will be." I murmured into her hair. "You are her legacy."

We sat there on the edge of Elly's bed for some time... how long doesn't really matter even if I could tell you. What was important was that Kathie was not alone. I had been in her spot, kind of. I was fortunate that I had such a loving and caring group of friends and of course my family around me but even then, I felt so all alone. I couldn't bear to have Kathie feel that way, not now, not ever if I could prevent it.

I ended up staying the night again that night. Again, we slept fully clothed on top of her bed, arm in arm. She did sleep better, even though she did seem to have a couple of bad dreams. The next day was Monday and I needed to go to classes and later to work. Kathie would be missing her classes that day and accompanying Grace to the lawyer's office to handle matters concerning her mother. I told Kathie I would call that evening from work. It was a somber goodbye that morning, and truth be known I didn't concentrate much on school that day, my mind was elsewhere. I was similarly foggy at work that evening as well. Oh, I managed to get things done, even smiled on deliveries but my mind and heart was elsewhere.

I called Kathie from work as I was being checked out for the night. She told me about the long afternoon with the lawyer and going over her mother's will. They also met with her mother's former boss and found out that Kathie would be able to stay in the house for the rest of this school year at least. She was told that she could wave her classes this semester because of the death in the family or some little used clause or something, not that she was going to use it.

She and Grace had then gone to the University hospital where her mother's body had been taken for the autopsy and organ recovery. Elly's doctors had a long talk with them in private. She learned that they had found undigested pills in her mother's stomach that indicated a massive overdose of her pain medication. But the fact that the treatment logs and charts and the inventory of the medicines showed nothing missing or out of place. The conclusion or at least implied conclusion was that Elly had herself, hoarded her pain meds and then taken them all at once.

"Jim... they tried to tell me that mom killed herself! Maybe not in so many words but that's what they were saying." Kathie keened into the phone.

I felt ice in my stomach as much from the possibility as from the sound of anguish in Kathie's voice. I literally felt my throat choking as I tried to speak.

"Kath... You knew your mom better than anyone... you would have known if she had even thought of something like that... wouldn't you?" I reasoned lamely as the realization grew in my gut that that's exactly what she had done. The silence on the phone told me that Kathie was thinking the same thing or something similar anyway.

"I... I don't know what to think anymore Jim... I... Oh god! I just want this nightmare to end!" She sobbed then the sound of the phone clattering against something hard like the table or maybe the floor. I could still hear Kathie sobbing and a moaning wail rose... so pitiful it hurt me. Then the phone was being picked up again.

"Hello? Who's there?" the voice asked... it was Grace.

"It's me, Jim... Grace... Kathie?" I pleaded worrying about her as I could still hear her sobbing.

"She's right here Jim... I've got her, I'll be with her." Grace said over the phone as I could hear her murmuring to Kathie trying to console her.

"Grace? Should I come over?" I asked even though I was already planning to, at least in my own mind.

"It's okay Jim, I'm here... Maybe it should just be us girls tonight... I think we are both due a good cry. Why don't you go home to your family tonight? See your own mother and hug her and kiss her. Cherish her Jim. Tomorrow will look better, we'll work it out." Grace said in a soft voice.

My heart wrenched thinking that I would be abandoning Kathie at a time like this but Grace had implied in her roundabout way that I should give Kathie, and her, some time alone tonight. To grieve, to rage, to mourn... to whatever. And that I should take the time to remember how lucky I was to have my own mother still with me. When I got to my car a little later, I sat there behind the wheel and bawled like a little baby. It all hit home. Yes, I was still blessed to have my mother. And knowing that made the thought of Kathie's loss even more poignant and saddening.

I did go home that night, to the farm, to my own family. I did hug my mother, tightly and for a long time. I told her I loved her and I was happy that I still had her. She wasn't sure where that had come from or why but she liked it all the same. Of course, my mom knew that I was troubled by something that I wasn't talking about but she let me have my space. My mom knew me better than I knew myself, I think. Even if she didn't know all or even part of what I was up to most of the time. I'd always been a shy kid, and it carried over into my adult life as well. Shy and introverted, quiet... private. As much as my mom would have loved to know about my personal and love life I'd never really shared much.

Oh, she knew when I was seeing someone, especially if it was something serious. If I were in love, I guess I couldn't hide it from her but she never pressed me on anything really. And I never volunteered much. Even, I realized, the fact that I had asked Kathie to marry me. I had planned on telling my mom and dad and the rest of the family eventually but... I don't know, I was waiting for the right time? I didn't want anyone to make a fuss over me... maybe I feared that it wouldn't last, that this ray of hope, this dream, would vanish if too many people made a big deal over it. I don't know. I did however tell my mom about Kathie's mom passing away.

Of course, that immediately brought on the concerns and worries. I reassured her I was okay but I was worried about Kathie. Mom told me she would say a prayer for Kathie and her family. Then she kissed me goodnight and went off to bed. I too went to bed... and lay awake and thought, and prayed and eventually fell asleep.

Dreams... sometimes they are wonderful, sometimes they are frightening, more often than not they are simply confusing. Sometimes however, they can be disturbing. My mind was wreaking havoc on my heart that night. I was not visited by ghosts from my past. I only had vague images from what might come to be, things that have not happened, more impressions than actual events or "things" I guess.

Again, I saw my Kathie in a yard playing with a ball... well... holding it and turning it in her hands. There were no children in this dream, and Kathie turned to look at me and she was... she was crying. Tears were streaming down her cheeks even as she looked at me lovingly and smiled a sad sad smile. She would look back at the ball in her hands as she turned it this way and that before setting it down gently in the grass and touching it gently once more and then reluctantly standing back up and walking away from it. Walking away... not towards me... but towards something... something else. I awoke with a start that next morning... my heart was racing and I was out of breath. What the hell? I couldn't shake the feeling of foreboding, try as I might.

I didn't see Kathie on campus the next day. I drifted through my classes on autopilot while my mind wandered and wondered where she was and how she was. I had knots in my stomach from worry knowing that she was in such turmoil and pain. The more I thought about what she had been told by Elly's doctors the more I saw how it could be imagined that Elly had taken her own life. In fact, I was pretty sure she had done just that and the worst part was I knew why she had done it. Elly had seen the downhill slope that was her life expectancy. It was fraught with increasing dependency on others and frustratingly less control of her own body and even thoughts.

Elly saw that others, especially her baby girl and her dear sister would be spending more and more of their own time caring for her instead of living their own lives. In short, she was a burden that was becoming heavier and heavier to bear. My heart ached for her and her tortured thoughts. My heart broke for the pain that she passed to the very ones that loved her the most. Yes, Elly was beyond her own pain and suffering now, for that I was grateful of course but it had landed squarely on Kathie and to some extent her sister Grace. Had the doctors not informed us, well, Kathie and Grace, of their findings it would have been sad, Elly's passing but now it was tinged with questions that will be forever asked without ever getting definite answers. Chief among them... "Why?"

I tried to call Kathie at home twice during the morning and afternoon when I didn't see her on campus. There was no answer. I thought maybe she and Grace had gone to another meeting or something. Still, I worried.

I went to work at Dom's that evening and as soon as the dinner rush had passed, I tried to call her again. Still no answer. And my gut churned. Where could she be. After I got checked out and sent home I drove by the house. There weren't any lights on and Kathie's car was gone. I sat there in front of the house, in my car, for maybe a half an hour. I held my key ring in my hand and fingered the house key that Elly had given me long ago... I still didn't feel right using it. Instead, I started my car up and reluctantly drove on home to the farm.