Being Jim Ch. 08: Lightning Strikes

The next day I only had one class and it was late in the morning. I got to campus early though so I went to the student center and called Kathie's house from there. I finally got an answer.

"Hello?" Grace's voice responded over the phone line.

"Grace... it's Jim." I said in a calmer voice than my insides should have allowed.

"Oh Jim..." Grace said with a mixture of relief and worry it sounded to my ears.

"Is... Is Kathie around?" I faltered, the fine hairs on the back of my neck standing up as if in premonition to bad news.

"Well, she's not in the house if that's what you mean... She said something about going to someplace she could think. I'm worried Jim, she's hardly spoken a word for the last day and a half. We drove to Ohio to speak with the church where we are going to have her mother's services. We had called the day before but they had heard about Elly's autopsy and they had at first declined to allow for her memorial to be held in the church or her ashes to be interred in the cemetery in the family plot." Grace gushed in a tortured voice.

"Because... it looked like she died by suicide." I stated rather than asked. The momentary pause on the other end of the phone line confirmed my suspicions.

"Y... Yes... how did you..." I heard Grace cover her mouth to stifle an anguished sound. "It was an accident Jim, that's what he doctors said." She added in a firmer voice, as much, I suspected, to convince herself as to tell me.

"Of course, Grace..." I said softly, "That would make it... acceptable to the church. I understand. Is that... is that what's bothering Kathie?" I asked even though I already knew that's exactly what the problem was... or at least a big part of it anyway.

"I don't know Jim, she's hardly spoken since we met with the priests." She spoke again with that worried edge in her voice.

I told Grace I would find her, I thought I might know where she would have gone to... think. I promised that I would bring her home or at least call to let her know. After we hung up, I headed for the stadium blowing off my only class for that day. The drive wasn't a long one as far as time actually passes but, in my mind, it was almost an eternity of heartbeats, worried, concerned, fretting heartbeats.

My little bug sputtered along through the gates of the park and along the drive around the lake to the east side of the reservoir. I found Kathie's big old Crown Vic parked near the shelter. I parked next to it and got out to walk the hundred yards or so to the picnic table... the same table I brought her to the first time she was here, the same table that I had proposed to her at not so long ago. There she was, sitting on the table top, her feet on the bench seat as she held herself wrapped tightly. Her head was bowed and her long curly hair was fluttering in the slight breeze coming off the lake.

I approached and climbed up to sit next to her without a word. Kathie said nothing and hardly acted as if she had noticed my arrival. After a minute or two I held out my right hand, palm up, between us as if offering her something. Kathie tilted her head slightly as if focusing on my hand, then she unwrapped her left hand and laid it into my hand and I gently grasped it. She in turn returned the grasp, perhaps in silent thanks. And we continued to sit there in silence as she contemplated what was on her mind. My being there was reassuring, at least I hoped it was.

Kathie let out a long sighing exhale and hung her head. I could feel her trembling through our held hands. Finally, she uttered two words... almost inaudible they were so quiet.

"Why Jim?" She asked, her voice so full of pain and despair that my own heart ached. She raised her head and tilted back to stare into the heavens as if there might be an answer there for her.

"Why did she kill herself Jim? She took her own life! Why would she do that? Didn't she know how much it would hurt Me... and hurt Grace? ... and my brother... Oh God!" She lamented, her voice was hoarse with emotion, and tears were streaming down her cheeks as she stared at the sky then turned to face me. What could I say? I could never know Elly's thoughts, anything at all would be pure speculation on my part. But I felt I had to say something, I had to offer Kathie some sort of life line, she was adrift in doubt and pain.

"Kath... We will never know exactly what she was thinking or what led her to that decision. You must have some idea of just how frustrated she was with her declining health and knowing that it would never get any better..." I paused when I felt Kathie stiffen next to me. I knew I had to soften the blow somehow, I had to get her to think for herself, maybe put herself into her mother's place to see it from her perspective.

"Your mom loved you Kathie, more than life itself, you have to know that." I affirmed steadfastly.

"If she loved me so much, why did she do something so hurtful and painful?" Kathie barked with a sardonic huff.

"I can't be sure, really, I can't but I suspect in her mind it may have been something like what she might have done for you as a child." I began only to be interrupted by a confused look as Kathie turned to look at me like I had lost my mind.

"Do what? What are you talking about?" She demanded.

"Did you ever scrape your knee as a little girl?" I asked, and waited for her to respond.

"I... I guess, but what has that got to do with anything?" She admitted and followed with the question.

"Well, I'm sure your mom put a band aid on the wound after she cleaned it, right?" I asked and again waited. Kathie's eyes narrowed as she struggled to understand where I was going with my questions.

"Yeah, I suppose." She admitted, still perplexed.

"And did she ever have to change the band aid before the wound healed up?" I asked... and waited.

"Okay, yeah... but what..." She began but I continued before she could finish.

"Did it hurt?" I asked... and waited.

"Yeah, it did! It would pull the scab off... but..." again I cut her off before she could get too far.

"I'll bet that your mom only pulled it off slow once, didn't she?" I queried.

"Yes, after that she would just yank if off real fast so... it... wouldn't hurt... as much..." Kathie trailed off as the connections were being made. Her eyes lost that knitted confused look as the light of recognition replaced it. Her bottom lip began to tremble once more as she looked into my eyes searching for understanding.

"Kath... Your mom, Elly, must have looked at her illness as an open wound that was going to be painful time and time again as she could only worsen. She felt she was a burden on you and Grace, everyone she loved. I think that she may have wanted her own pain to stop but it was the pain she was causing you and her loved ones that she really wanted to cut short. Her passing was still going to hurt, like that band aid, but it would be over with and quick rather than over and over and over again as she lingered and worsened... You have to know that above all else Kathie, she loved you." I said somberly as I gazed steadily into Kathie's eyes.

Those beautiful big grey brown eyes that were so full of pain and doubt... well... maybe not so much doubt now, but the pain was still there. Words cannot take away the pain of love lost. But there was a glimmer of understanding there now... and perhaps some acceptance. Kathie closed her eyes slowly and then leaned over and rested her head on my shoulder as she squeezed my right hand. The sound of sniffles and muted sobs mingled with the light breeze in the trees and the distant quacking of the ducks. Finally, after several minutes, Kathie spoke softly in a clearer more relaxed voice.

"I Love you, Jim... Thank you for being here for me." She said as she drew my hand in hers to her heart. "I... I don't know if I would have ever thought of it that way... a band aid..." she mused sadly. "It still hurts though... so very much..." She lamented as she sniffed back more tears.

"If there were any way I could take away the pain babe... I would... in a heartbeat..." I murmured into Kathie's hair. She squeezed my hand even tighter but didn't say anything.

The sun had long set by the time Kathie had collected herself and was calm if still saddened. I asked her if she were okay to drive. When she said she was I told her that Grace was beside herself with worry and we really should go back to the house and do what we could to calm her down. Kathie said she felt bad because she had been so selfish in her own grief that she really hadn't reached out to her aunt. She promised that she would do that starting tonight. I told her it would be good for both of them to lean on one another... and I would help any way I could as well. Kathie just looked at me with that sad knowing smile slowly shaking her head back and forth before wrapping her arms around me and burying her face in the crook of my neck.

"You are so different from anyone I've ever known before Jim. You have such a big heart. I love you so much!" She said softly before pulling back and taking my hand as we walked back to our cars. I followed her back to her house. I parked on the street, and joined her on the porch before we went inside.

We were met in the foyer by a very anxious Grace. She was literally wringing her hands in font of herself. Her eyes were full of questions and worry warped her face so that it was almost that of a stranger rather than the effervescent charming free spirit that I had come to know and love. Grace's eyes darted between Kathie and my own as she tried to determine, first how Kathie was doing and second to see if I could give her any clues. I smiled a subdued smile and nodded my head a couple of times. Seeing this Grace visibly relaxed a bit then she swept Kathie up in her arms and hugged her fiercely while mumbling into her ear about how worried she was and wanting to know if there was anything she could do for Kathie to help out.

After a few moments I wrapped both of them in a hug making it a big group hug. Grace actually giggled a bit. I asked if it were possible to make some cinnamon tea. Grace said that it would be no problem at all and in fact that sounded like a wonderful idea. Kathie smiled too knowing that I was doing more than just requesting a favorite drink. I was getting everyone's minds on to more pleasant memories and giving us something to do and think about other than just our grief. Grace took one hand and I took Kathie's hand in the other and we all went to the kitchen.

I had thought to put Kathie to work as well and I asked if she could make some biscuits... only I wanted to help. She looked at me as if I were up to something, which of course I was, but she smiled suspiciously and began pulling out a bowl and ingredients all the same. As she began mixing her flour and salt, soda and baking powder I also suggested some white sugar and some lemon extract... and some butter. I cubed up the butter in small chocolate chip sized morsels and folded them into the biscuit dough when she was ready to roll it out and cut her biscuits. When they were put into the oven, I took some confectioner sugar and some whipping cream and mixed it in a bowl with a little vanilla extract to create a royal icing.

By this point both Grace and Kathie knew that we were making not biscuits but rather scones or sweet breads. When the biscuits were done, we pulled them out of the oven to cool a bit as the cinnamon tea was almost ready. Grace had been diligently mixing her spices with the tea and the apple cider, the whole kitchen smelled like a bakery and so very pleasant. I spread the icing over the still slightly warm sweet biscuits and then we all got a big mug of tea and settled at the table. There was an awkward moment when we all sat at our accustomed seats leaving Elly's seat empty... and we realized what we had done. We all smiled at one another with sad smiles and eyes beginning to tear up again. But Grace raised her mug and gave a toast.

"Life is short, happiness if fleeting... our love never dies even if our hearts take a beating!" She proclaimed and clinked Kathie's then my own mug and we all sipped the spicy concoction.

"Where on earth did you get that from Grace?" Kathie asked after she set her mug back down.

"It's a line from some book I read sometime. I never really knew what it meant... until now... But it is true, isn't it?" She asked a little subdued.

I had found my hands on the mug sitting on the table top extremely interesting as she had explained the toast... thinking back through my own past from not so long ago and seeing the wisdom in her words and the truth behind them.

"I think I have to agree with you Grace... the love never dies..." I said wistfully. Kathie reached over with her left hand and squeezed my right wrist reassuringly... knowing more about my recent past than Grace was aware of.

I think it was that moment that Kathie and I bonded yet even more than we had been before. She now had a deeper appreciation for the longing and pain associated with the loss of a loved one. She raised her own mug and waited to see if Grace and I would follow.

"To love that never dies..." She said softly... and waited.

"To love that never dies." I responded and clinked her mug.

"Here here." Grace agreed and clinked both of our mugs. After that we dug into the sweet biscuits and talked about anything and everything, mundane and even some preparations and plans for traveling to Ohio for the final services for Elly. The pall of sadness was persistent but that was to be expected, at least now it was not suffocatingly heavy as it was just a day ago.

I stayed that night. I had honestly planned on driving home to the farm but one look from Kathie was all it took to convince me to stay. Grace said that it would be convenient for classes in the morning anyway and I was always welcomed. I did bring up the fact that I hadn't brought a change of clothes and frankly the ones I had on were going to be pretty ripe tomorrow.

That was easily fixed though, firstly that I should just take them off so that they could be washed. This from Kathie which set Grace to giggling then they both devolved into hysterical laughter. They laughed till both were in tears and breathless. I guess it was good to let out all that built up tension over something so meaningless and mundane.

Once they had regained their composure Kathie stood from the table and took my hand and led me upstairs to her room. She had me strip and gave me her bathrobe to wear to and from the bathroom. She also laid out some sweat pants and an oversized tee shirt... well... oversized for her maybe but it was still just a bit snug on me I would find later. After directing me down the hall to the pink bathroom, she bit her lip the way she does and winked then turned on her heel to go downstairs to start the laundry. Women! I'll never fully understand them. I made short work of the shower and dried and returned to Kathie's bedroom and was in the process of dressing when she came back from downstairs.

"I'll have to put your clothes in the dryer when they've finished washing. Maybe you should bring some clothes to keep here..." she suggested after informing me of the laundry progress.

"I gotta tell you, the thought has crossed my mind more than once but I didn't want to presume anything and... well... it just didn't seem right before..." I fell silent and looked away knowing I had once more touched a nerve.

"Jim..." Kathie began, then walked over and sat on the bed next to me. Taking my hand in hers she waited till I turned to look her in the eyes. "My mother gave you a key to our house. You're having a change or two of clothes here wouldn't have phased her one bit. And as for Grace... she asked me why you don't already have extra clothes here." She said with a bit of a smirk on her softly smiling face.

"Okay. I can do that. It would save you from having to do my laundry anyway." I grinned as I told her. "And, we are engaged... I guess it's not that farfetched or unusual." I added, my grin turning into a soft warm smile that started in my heart and reflected in my eyes as well as on my lips.

Kathie responded with shining eyes and a dazzling smile of her own for a moment then it was tempered once more with the realization that her mother was gone and would not share in our happiness together. Still, Kathie leaned into me and we kissed softly and tenderly. After I moment or two Kathie broke the kiss. With her face still close to mine, her eyes closed she whispered...

"Say it again..." and took a small gasping breath as if to hold it as she waited to hear it. I smiled and felt my heart swell in my chest. I pulled her hand to my chest and pressed it to the thin tee shirt holding her palm flat against my chest. She could feel my heart beating inside of me as I spoke.

"With this beating heart, with my every breath, with my every thought... I love you." I spoke the words with weight of the feelings behind them.

I was hers, now and forever. Kathie opened her eyes and searched mine. I could feel her searching into my soul... but she saw exactly what I had said. Her lips trembled and her eyes softened almost sadly but then she leaned in again and we kissed... and kissed... and kissed some more. Not hungry passionate kisses but sweet loving sensual kisses... two souls sharing the breath of love and life itself. I don't remember lying back on the bed or either of us wrapping one another in our arms but that's where we ended up. Face to face and arm in arm.

"I don't know how I could have made it through this without you Jim. You and Grace... the two of you have been my anchors, my life lines... my sanity." Kathie said in a soft sad voice, her eyes averting as if looking inside herself.

"You, little lady, are far stronger than you give yourself credit for. You know I'm here for you no matter what but I've really done nothing for you that you couldn't have done for yourself." I said earnestly. She smiled that smirk again but didn't argue with me. Instead, she swatted me on the chest and sat up.

"Come on, let's go put your clothes in the dryer." She said with a tip of her head.

I rolled off the side of the bed and padded after her. She took my hand before we started down the stairs. As we entered the kitchen, I saw a glow from the den. Kathie and I walked over to the doorway and peeked in. Grace was sitting at one end of the sofa, the TV guide in her hands at her lap. Her head tipped over against the back of the sofa as she slept sitting up. The TV on and playing in the quiet dark of the den. I took the TV guide from her sleeping grasp and Kathie gently shook her to wake her up. She startled awake until she realized where she was and then looked sheepishly about. Kathie coaxed her into getting up off the sofa and going to bed. I had gone back into the kitchen at this point and was busying myself picking up our mugs from earlier and putting the dirty dishes in the sink to be washed.

I had just rinsed the last plate and set it in the drainer as Kathie reentered the kitchen. She stopped for a moment looking at me then tilted her head to one shoulder and smiled before going on through to the laundry room. I heard the washer lid being opened and rustling as clothes were moved to the dryer. The sound of the door closing and then a timer dial being turned just before the low whirring sound of the dryer began.

In a moment Kathie was back in the kitchen, her hands in her back pockets as she slowly ambled over to stand in front of me. That quirky little head tilt to one shoulder and giving me that slightly sidelong glance just made me want to sweep her up into my arms. Instead, I leaned back against the sink behind me, my hands on the edge of the sink. Kathie sidled up closer still, now toe to toe. She straightened up and leaned her head into mine we stood there, forehead to forehead for a moment or two before she slipped her arms around my waist and I slipped my own around her. Kathie turned her head to rest it on my left shoulder. I kissed the crown of her head.