Being Jim Ch. 08: Lightning Strikes

"Kathie... say it again..." I whispered. I caught myself counting my own heart beats as I waited for her to respond. I had only gotten to three as she squeezed me tightly.

"I do... I do... I do..." She murmured into my shoulder and she began to do that little twisting/ rocking motion that had so endeared her to me early on.

In the morning, after a nice breakfast courtesy of Grace, Kathie and I both made our way to campus and to our classes. We met up at lunch time in the student center at the grill. Kathie was understandably still subdued. We both ordered a salad but I don't think either one of us really ate anything. For Kathie it was more of just having someone near, she was still feeling overwhelmed by it all.

When the noise and hustle and bustle of the normal student traffic got to be too much for her, we ditched our food and went for a walk outside. We really were walking about aimlessly but we ended up at the library. A familiar haunt for the both of us. Even as sad as she was, Kathie couldn't help but smile at me when we saw another young couple slipping surreptitiously into the stack... looking both ways to see if anyone noticed them. Instead of following them however we found our way to a quiet corner where there were some chairs and couches for reading. That's where we finally settled and Kathie opened up to me.

"The hospital called this morning after we left the house. Grace told me when I checked in with her before lunch that they will be releasing mom's... body... tomorrow. The funeral home will be picking her..." Kathie faltered, her lips trembling as she took a deep breath to steel herself before continuing.

"They will be picking up the body to take it to be cremated. We should... we should be able to pick up the ashes Sunday afternoon." Kathie informed me then seemed to deflate and shrink within herself.

I really didn't know what to say at this point. I wondered if there was anything that needed to be said. Instead, I simply held her tightly, my arm around her shoulders as she lay her head against my chest. My right hand holding her right arm, my left holding onto her left hand in her lap. Kathie had her right hand clasped around her double heart pendant that I had given her for Christmas as well as her mother's crucifix. After a few minutes I felt Kathie shudder slightly in my arms as she took a deep breath.

"Jim... could you... will you go with us for mom's memorial service?" Kathie asked quietly in a hesitant voice. It almost broke my heart to hear the uncertainty in her voice.

"Of course... Kathie? You didn't need to ask, of course I will. Elly... your mom, was important to me too. I may not have known her long, but I think I... I know I loved her for what it's worth. If for no other reason than that she was your mom. She MADE you!" I proclaimed and squeezed Kathie in my arms to reassure her that I was here for her.

"Th... thank you..." She said and squeezed my hand in hers.

And so it was that I accompanied Kathie and Grace to Ohio that next Monday morning. We took Kathie's big old Crown Victoria. I ended up driving as both of the girls were feeling pretty emotional. Grace rode shotgun and Kathie sat between us holding her mother's urn with the ashes inside. I was told that I didn't have to dress up as the service was going to be casual dress per Elly's instructions... I still felt stiff wearing slacks and a nice shirt and a sweater. I never have liked dressing up, it seems it's always for a sad occasion like funerals or for some stuffy ceremony or another. This time it was for the former of course.

The drive from Lexington to Cincinnati was a mostly quiet one, each of the three of us lost in our own thoughts and remembrances perhaps. Kathie spent a great deal of the trip with her head on my right shoulder and her right hand holding Grace's hand. Grace held a damp tissue and dabbed at her eyes now and then as she stared vacantly out the passenger side window most of the trip. Once we reached Cincinnati, I needed directions to get to the church that the memorial service was to be held. As it turned out it was in a small community just north of Cincinnati proper, not actually in the city itself.

We arrived early, of course, as preparations were still in progress before the service was to begin. The urn was placed on an altar or some sort of platform I guess along with flowers and of course a picture of Elly next to it. It was an older picture of course, and it really showed her beauty, both inside and out. As they set up the picture in its alabaster frame Kathie's eyes teared up and her lip trembled as she reached out a shaking hand and gently touched the photo.

"This was taken the year I graduated high school." She told me, and smiled sadly before turning away to find Grace and go over what they were required to do. Being the closest surviving family members, they would stay near the memorial to greet the other mourners and guests. Much the same way that I've seen my own family do at visitations before the funerals. Grace and Kathie told me that I wasn't required to stand with them the whole time as I didn't know any of the people coming and it would as likely confuse most needing an explanation. That could be done later. They did both stress that they would like for me to be by them when Kathie's father showed up and her brother and his wife. I told them I'd stay close but out of the way I'd look for a signal from one or both of them to come over when they wanted me.

And so, I tried to make like a shadow and stayed unobtrusive for the most part. I think a lot of the people who began to show up thought I might have been part of the staff or something. I got a few curious looks but was soon dismissed and ignored. There were quite a few people that showed up. Kathie later explained that most were extended family but many were former coworkers from the university here in Ohio where Elly had worked prior to moving to Lexington.

Kathie's older brother showed up about halfway through it all. He and his wife and young son. The little boy was fussy to put it mildly. Many people were giving the small family dirty looks but no one said anything outright. Grace motioned for me to come over. I was introduced to Mark and Sally and little Jacob by Kathie. When Kathie explained that I was her fiancé I was given a whole new once over by Mark however. There were halfhearted congratulations offered but that wasn't the reason for the gathering after all. Little Jacob was squirming and crying so Sally took him away. I looked at Kathie and then at Mark who was being hugged and spoken to by Grace and I tilted my head toward them and nodded slightly and bowed out to follow Sally. Kathie smiled sadly and joined Grace in a family embrace with Mark at the altar.

I stepped outside the entrance a moment or two later to find Sally squatting down in front of Jacob holding his little arms in both of her hands as she tried to talk to him urgently and quietly the way moms do with unruly children while in public. Little Jacob was having none of it though, his little tear-stained face complete with snotty nose was demanding his nanna. Of course, he had no concept that his nanna was now dead and her body had been cremated. His momma's tears weren't helping as she tried to explain that he couldn't see Nanna anymore. I came over to them and sat down on the ground next to Jacob and made a big pouty frowny face and looked at him when he turned to look at me. Sally's puzzled expression indicated that she wasn't sure she should stay or grab Jacob and bolt. I looked at her and winked with the eye that Jacob couldn't see.

"Jake..." I began... only to be corrected by the little guy himself immediately.

"It's Jacob... only my Nanna calls me Jake." He said with a stubborn expression of defiance.

"That's what I thought." I said as if he had just said a magic password. "I was told you would say that." I informed him. His defiant little face lost a little of his belligerence and he cocked his head a little to one side. Sally almost mirrored his expression but she bit her lip and her eyebrows knitted.

"Nanna told you I would say that?" Jacob finally asked suspiciously. I nodded sagely and looked around as if to make sure no one else might overhear us speaking then leaned a little closer to him and lowered my voice.

"Yeah, she did. She said you'd be looking for her today too, just like when you two would play hide and seek. Do you remember playing hide and seek?" I asked him and glanced at Sally out of the side of my eyes. She was busying darting glances between me and Jacob watching the transformation of his little tantrum to something more curious and quieter.

"I heard daddy say we were going to go see Nanna today. I wanna see my Nanna!" He stated almost plaintively but still defiantly. Again, I looked around surreptitiously and leaned over again.

"Everyone here is looking to see your Nanna... but she's... well she's playing hide and seek. And you are the only one who knows it... besides me and now your mom." I almost whispered.

Little Jacob's face changed instantly. No longer was he a whiny little boy demanding attention, now he was a co-conspirator. He was helping his Nanna play her game.

"She told me you could play this game very well, that she almost never found you when you hid. She also told me that she didn't want you to find her and give her away before the game was over so you need to keep it secret for a while. Can you do that?" I asked and looked around again.

I had to bite my tongue when Jacob too looked around to see if anyone was listening. I glanced at Sally and she smiled sadly and mouthed the words "thank you" to me. Little Jacob pulled himself up to stand straighter and looked at me and nodded his head. Once more I leaned in to whisper to him.

"There are going to be a lot of sad people here today for a little while... they're all sad because they can't find your Nanna either. You have to be nice and leave them alone. Just so you know, your Nanna said she'd be watching you and you know she does what she says right?" I asked raising one eyebrow before again looking around... still making sure no one overheard us.

Jacob looked around again too then looked me in the eye and nodded his little head emphatically. Then he cocked his head to one side again looked to be in thought.

"Is that why daddy is so sad today?" He asked and turned to his mother as if including her in his question.

"It probably is Jake... he's sad cause he can't find his... your Nanna." I confirmed and gave a look of apology to Sally who smiled and nodded, she knew that we or rather she and her husband would have to explain to little Jacob that nobody was going to be able to find his Nanna eventually.

"I'll bet Nanna's having fun not getting found huh!" Little Jacob stated. I smiled at him and winked.

"I'll bet she is too Jake... Let's let Nanna have her fun though, what do you say? Can you keep her secret?" I asked and bit my lip looking over at Sally as we waited for Jacob to speak again. It didn't take long.

"Yeah... I can keep quiet for Nanna." He said proudly.

"And be nice to your daddy too? He's going to be sad like a lot of people here today huh?" I asked stretching my luck maybe. Again, little Jacob spoke right up.

"I'll be nice." He said a little more subdued but just as emphatically.

"Great. Let's go back inside and see if your daddy has finished talking to Aunty Grace and Aunty Kathie." I said as I stood back up. Sally smiled at me and I just nodded in return. Jacob surprised me though but reaching up and taking hold of my hand.

"What's your name?" He asked as it dawned on him that I hadn't told it to him.

"My name is Jim... I guess I'll be your Uncle Jim soon." I told him. Jacob thought about that for a second then looked back up at me and smiled.

"Cool." He said and then reached up and took his mother's hand in his other hand.

Sally looked over at me again and smiled with teary eyes. We three walked back inside the church and made our way back to the altar and Grace, Kathie and Mark.

Others were lining up to pay their respects and offer condolences. Mark was looking very distracted and still speaking softly with Grace. Kathie looked up and saw the three of us approaching and did a double take. Her head tilted slightly to one side as she took in the sight of Sally and I being led by little Jacob, our hands each in one of his. I could see Kathie's body convulse slightly from a silent chuckle of disbelief as she shook her head slowly from side to side giving me a sad smile.

Grace broke away from Mark and stooped down to address Jacob. He gave up both Sally's and my hand and wrapped his little arms around Grace's neck as she embraced him and whispered into his ear. He whispered something back to her and she stiffened then turned her head to look at me with a puzzled expression. I guess Jacob had just spilled the beans ratting me out about sharing the secret. Grace processed this and then smiled knowingly at me and nodded her head and blinked her eyes a couple of times.

Mark and Sally took little Jacob to sit in one of the pews as others came to genuflect and give their respects. Again, I faded back into the background. Aside from an occasional glance from Jacob and one long look from Mark after Sally had whispered into his ear for a minute or so, no one paid me any attention.

At some point I guess the service had to get underway so everyone began to take seats. Grace and Kathie motioned for me to join them as they took a seat in the front pew nearest the memorial altar. The same one that Mark and Sally and little Jacob were sitting in. Mark was on the outside end of the pew furthest from the aisle, Sally next to him with Jacob between them. Grace sat next to Sally and I sat between her and Kathie.

The priest took the pulpit and began with a prayer and the audience repeated or answered back every now and then, genuflecting the sign of the cross and standing and or kneeling in parts that were all foreign to me but I went along with everyone else so as not to stand out or cause a disturbance or show any disrespect. Then there were several people who spoke in turn, about Elly and what a wonderful person she had been and how she had touched many of their lives. There was a short eulogy and then another round of prayer from the priest with standing and kneeling and speaking back to the priest. I still didn't get it. But it was not for me to understand, I guess.

Ushers came to the pew and we stood and filed out to the aisle and made our way outside to a waiting hearse. The urn and photo along with several flower arrangements were carried out and put in the back of the hearse where a traditional casket might have gone. When everyone was loaded up the small funeral procession pulled out of the church and headed to the cemetery. The cemetery was actually in Blue Ash.

The drive wasn't too long but it was long enough for me to explain to Kathie and Grace what I had said to little Jacob. Grace chuckled despite the sadness of the proceedings and gripped my hand with a powerful squeeze. Kathie just held my hand and leaned her head on my shoulder and sighed. Her smile, too, was sad but still heartfelt. I learned later that she and her brother were still somewhat estranged from when their mother and father had split up. Kathie felt that Mark had abandoned their mother.

Once the procession arrived at the cemetery and everyone unloaded and made their way to the grave side, or memorial side in this instance. The urn would be entombed in a small chamber above ground actually. The Urn was set up in the open chamber and the picture placed on a stand next to it. The floral arrangements were set up around the memorial. When everyone gathered once more there was another brief eulogy and more prayer.

There was no standing and kneeling this time but there were more back and forth lines spoken between the priest and the assembly. And then it was over. People filed past the memorial and Kathie and Grace and now Mark and Sally, murmuring condolences and saying little encouraging things. I had taken Jacob by the hand and walked a way off from the crowd but still within sight of mom and dad.

"Is Nanna still watching us you think?" Jacob asked curiously.

"Jake... she said she would always be watching you. You might not see her but she would be looking out for you. She told me that she loved you very much and that you shouldn't worry about her, she's having fun." I told him... I was worried that I would be making things more difficult for the little guy's parents in the future when they had to finally explain what death was. Maybe though, maybe it would be helpful in some small way.

As the crowd dissipated I and little Jacob walked back over to join his parents and Grace and Kathie. The funeral directors were waiting to strike the tent and pack up all the chairs and the ground coverings. The cemetery workers were ready to entomb the urn and seal it in the memorial. We watched as the urn was placed inside and the covering panel was slid in and cemented into place. I noticed the inscription carved into the marble plate With Elly's full name and the dates of birth, and death. Kathie and Grace both approached and genuflected making the sign of the cross, kissed their fingers and touched them to the newly sealed panel of the memorial. Mark followed doing the same. I merely reached out my right hand and touched the cover and bowed saying a short silent prayer for peace for the lady that I only knew for a short while but who had influenced and impacted my life greatly all the same. And yes, I loved her for who she was.

Grace, Kathie and I rode back to the church in the hearse. Mark and Sally and little Jacob departed from the cemetery. Everyone seemed to go their separate ways, leaving just the three of us to ourselves. Back at the church we moved to Kathie's car and once more I was asked to drive. Rather than drive straight back to Lexington however, we took something of a little trip down memory lane. Grace and Kathie directed me down roads and through turns to reach different important locations for them. We drove by Kathie's high school, the house that she grew up in. We went by Grace's favorite haunts from when she was younger. Eventually however, we did end up back on the interstate and headed south back to Lexington. It was, again, a mostly quiet drive. At one point though Kathie turned to Grace with an unreadable expression on her face... I couldn't decide if it was sadness or anger or indifference.

"He didn't even come to the service..." Kathie said in a forlorn voice. For her part, Grace was a little more emotional, anger, definitely.

"Just as well Kitty Kat... He would probably have caused a scene." She all but spat out, shaking her head. Kathie kept silent but hung her head sadly at Grace's response. Grace softened her voice and squeezed Kathie's hand before going on.

"I... I'm sorry Kathie... It just seems disrespectful... first that he ever left in the first place then not to at least be there to say goodbye. I know he loved Elly dearly in his time, and she loved him. They both loved you and always will." The words spoken in a soft voice but there was no mistaking the love behind them. "At least Mark showed up..." Grace added before her voice faded off to silence again.

"Speaking of Mark..." Kathie said turning to look at me curiously. "What exactly did you do to little Jacob? Sally was looking at you in absolute awe when you three came back in the church." She asked, one eyebrow raising slowly as she waited for me to explain. I grinned sheepishly and shrugged which caused Kathie to tilt her head a little to one side expectantly.

"Okay... I lied to him... sort of..." I said as I felt my face warm with the blush I knew was creeping up from my neck.