Being Special

Lee blew out a sigh of relief. That seemed to answer one problem while presenting another. Ivy's use of the word "had" the first time was full of ill portent. He felt his stomach tighten.

"My so-called friends got me plastered at my bachelorette party. I almost ended up in the hospital with alcohol poisoning! Along the way they got a dancer I thought was hot to pay me a little extra attention.

"We lose to temptation in increments. They kept pushing me, stoking the old fires, habits, and desires. And they told the guy how to play me. It was subtle at first, I never saw it coming. I just got deeper and deeper in. Finally, they told me it was time for "one more for the road" except they didn't mean a last drink they meant a last man. They wanted me to have one last fling! They brought me around with alcohol and a gorgeous guy. Then little by little with rowdier suggestions as my inhibitions dissolved in the booze. The context was not only that having a last man was okay, but that it was expected, hell it was well earned! The way they laid it out I owed myself."

Lee heard a number of the ladies crying now. How many were in there? They all seemed to feel the scenario was far too familiar. He could hear his Ivy chief among them. His stomach grew tighter, and his heart bled cold. Lee reminded himself this was all in the past. He forced himself to remember what a fine, fine, wife Ivy had been. What a fine wife she is, dammit, is! He waited for the looming threat to take shape.

Ivy worked hard to present a strong voice, "I have never cheated on my husband! I take great pride in that. Understand I'm not just supercharged on that mission, I'm jet propelled."

Ivy sighed deeply as she continued, "I remember dancing with the striper guy and hardly anything else. He was gorgeous and so well built, everywhere. It was okay to go with the flow, or just loosen up, because my gals were protecting me. Hah!"

Lee heard Ivy choking trying to continue, hearing her distress was heart wrenching.

"My "friends" told me the next morning that I lay down with the guy in a back room and that... that I blew him. They told me he would have fucked me, that I was that willing, or that defenseless. Hell, maybe that unconscious by then. But they were scared to let it go that far so they stopped matters short of that. My getting pregnant would be a disaster, even for those immoral bitches."

"To them a BJ is a BJ, not a fuck. I can remember that reasoning once, but I was not there in mind and spirit to make that decision, or any decision. I was blotto and they put me in the room with the guy. They set it in motion."

Lee could hear the regret, the terror, and the disappointment in his wife's voice. This was ripping her apart. He made a note to himself. His reaction was not disgust at his wife nor anger. He really wanted to take away his wife's pain. If, however, you put the dancer in his garage, right now even ten years later, Lee would be happy to dispatch him from the mortal coil with his bare hands. Lee knew he could do it and would enjoy the process.

Ivy was crying loudly now.

"I have no memory of it, thank God. For a while I thought they made it up. I was freaking out, it would have been easy to put me at ease by saying I didn't. But damn it, no one did that! So... I was pretty convinced that I did." Ivy grew quiet, defeated.

"I'm glad I don't have that memory to live with. But I had crushing guilt. Panic came first. Dear God, what if I had really done that? I ran to bathroom. How far had I gone? Did I go all the way?! I actually hurt myself a bit driving fingers inside desperate to see if there was any semen I could detect. Thank God I found nothing. There was no taste left either, nothing in my hair, I checked my shirt from that night. If I did blow him I was very efficient. But if I wasn't purposely spraying it on me back in those days, then I was really efficient, I wanted nothing on my clothes, so I would take off my outer layers and sometimes more, I loved wearing a man's cum. Or I greedily drank every drop my forever man gave me. I'm sure Lee would readily back me up on that point."

"My "friends" saw me freak at the news of my infidelity and realized I was serious, and that they had torn it. I have never spoken to two of my bridesmaids since, not even a peep at the wedding or rehearsal. To have banished them before would have invited questions though.

"The fright galvanized me. I'm not telling you that it was a good thing that happened to you last night. Still, it doesn't have to be the horrible sin that wrecks both your, and your finance's, lives. You can make something different and great of it if you are led by your heart."

Lee listened now. The situation was far different than he had begun to fear. Somehow it all led directly to just how much he did care for his wife.

Ivy was still sobbing though it had lessened somewhat in intensity, "I could not believe what I had done. Sure I was tempted by what I was giving up. But I give up ice cream during bikini season. Discipline and love are not exclusive. I was proud that I found a man I was devoted to. I was happy to have found a man I could fall for. And now I was fallen; I was damaged goods. I was going to tell my fiancé, he deserved to know.

"Wiser heads, different women from my so-called friends by the way, said something important. Learning of my supposed infidelity would take more than the two weeks we had until the wedding for Lee to deal with. They made me look at what I was actually about to do to Lee.

"Yes, he can make a decision as to marry me or not. But what about the limited time, and with monetary concerns over rentals and wedding plans, and familial recrimination of everyone knowing his fiancée sucks strippers?! Would the marriage ever take place? And what if poor Lee just shut up and told no one, marrying me that fast would lead to his having lingering questions and anger he was not allowed time to properly discharge. Instead of living with his dream girl, the best-case scenario seemed to be that he was now "stuck" with me. In time would that break us up?

"These truer friends told me I was in a fix one way or the other. They wanted to make sure I saw the larger picture. They pointed out that I didn't know if I done what my false friends said. If I had been unfaithful, I had never done the like before. I knew enough and had enough experience to know I did not want what happened; I was set up. There were a lot of ways to make sure it never happened again.

"They also pointed out that the situation made me angry and upset with myself. They said that anger was not misplaced. They said I needed to do a lot better, as I decided it was fine to go out with those bitches to a strip club. That combo alone was stupid. Going with a different set of friends to the strip club may have worked. Going out with my wilder friends but ensuring no guys would probably have been safe, but to mix them? That was profoundly stupid. They told me those simple but poor decisions could cost me everything.

"Then I thought of life without my beloved. Oh wow. Oh, it was horrible! It knocked me on my ass for a couple of days. Made me want him with everything I was, every cell. But I didn't deserve him. They had something to say about that too."

"In the end there were four reasons why the best thing I could do was the worst thing I have ever done. Worse than what I may have done with the stripper. I did not tell the man I respect above all others about the allegations. It is the only thing I have not shared with Lee. Not sharing the allegations with him is the worst thing I have ever done. Unlike my possible behavior at my bachelorette party this was a conscious decision so there is no way to say it is not evil. It was, however, the least evil of the choices I had.

"Even the reasons that made this the least evil choice are twisted and perverse. First, there is no proof, even for me alone there is no proof to convict, nor any to exonerate. Look, if I knew, even if I had a smidgeon of evidence that I did it, I would have run right to Lee and confessed: I respect him that much. I would have accepted his verdict.

"But were these bitches lying to me? My false friends had me almost convinced I had done the dastardly deed, until wiser heads forced me to go back over the facts. Their purpose was not to "get me off the hook", but to honestly assess if I really was ever on the hook. There was no definitive evidence one way or the other. The timeline suggests I didn't though, there wasn't enough time away from the main group to support any kind of a willful tryst. Not the way I was used to doing. It never made sense that I would fall into old habits then perform them in a way completely different that I ever had.

So why would my old friends say I did? There were some unsettling answers. Did they just want me back with them, so they provided the opportunity and provocation for me to run away from my man? Did they think misery loves company? I got lucky and found Mr. Right and they hadn't? Were they trying to break us up to make themselves feel better? Additionally getting me to admit to something that never actually occurred would put all the blame on me, not them. Unfortunately, that seemed all too close to what they might come up with. I was going to be damned if I would destroy myself, and more importantly Lee, by admitting something that today I still have real doubts actually occurred.

"Second: I have truly tried my best, given my all, to ensure his life is wonderful. Lee is the greatest man I have ever met. I love him completely and I can say my choice was selfish but also the best thing I have ever done. I don't know a happier couple. I seriously doubt that would be the case if I told Lee less than two weeks before we were to wed that I may have been unfaithful. I wasn't prepared to give up all our dreams for something people told me I did, but I don't remember! Still, not informing him was dishonest and I feel terrible to this day.

"Then I ask myself what would have befallen both of us if he no longer wanted me after hearing the allegation? Did I cheat him? But what could I control? What did I know to do? I was helpless that night and helpless about that night. Lee is the best man I have ever met; this would have plagued his mind and eroded his confidence in me. I could not divine what happened that night, what I could do was take actions to ensure a positive future. I could not even prove a dalliance in the past, though I could not prove my innocence either. If I was innocent Lee didn't deserve to lose his future over the allegations of hatemongers.

"He's been happy. I have bent over backwards to make him happy and have been happy to do so. I am deliriously happy to be with him. I know that's justification although that doesn't make it untrue.

"Three: Lee looks at me like I am so... special. If I told him, he would still love me, he's that much man. But I'm not sure I would ever see that special look in his eyes. Perhaps more importantly Lee feels I truly am that special and it brightens his whole day. It's daunting but I try to stay up on that pedestal because it brings him so much joy! If we are talking about punishing me, fine, until it bleeds over to take away his joy, then it takes on an entirely different meaning. It's one of the paradoxes of love: that seems completely self-serving to me, it isn't, it really isn't. I would die before I let myself be less than that for him.

"Part of that is selfish: I love that he looks at me that way. But another part is I would rather die than not do everything to be that girl for him. He deserves that girl and I have done everything to be that girl. It's not just some fantasy thing, that girl is me! She is true and loving and it's all the things I really do feel. I will he damned if my man will be cheated of that because of some stupid college sluts. He doesn't deserve THAT for trusting me and loving me. I would die to protect him! This may seem self-serving now, but soon living with the man you love, you will understand exactly what I mean.

"And four: I really have been that woman for him: true, dedicated deeply, and deeply in love. And without doubt, all the little "what ifs" my false friends introduced have been completely burned out over the years. Lee is everything I want wrapped up in one handsome package. I would do anything for him. Maybe some of what I told you is merely justification; I truly don't believe I have done it for only myself. I hope I have put him and his needs first; I have tried hard to. Maybe it is justification, but I'm doing what I said I would do. I'm walking in the proper steps on the proper path. I'm bringing it. I'm walking the walk."

Ivy gathered herself. Lee could hear her taking large breaths through the door!

"This next part is self serving. This is what I have found and I will admit it to you. I could tell him now. I could, he would get it... but I'm scared. I'm scared I would lose that way he looks at me that says I'm so special to him. I'm scared it would still take the polish off the apple of his eye. Even though we have been with each other long enough for us both to believe that I didn't ever make the choice to blow the guy. I mean if it happened it's likely a case of my being only semi-conscious at best and the jerk stuck his dick in my mouth with my friends goading him on. There is nothing about it that fits with my character before or since.

"The problem has now become that I haven't told him for so long. That fact might really hurt his feelings. I had planned to never tell him, however saying all this to you today I think I must. I can't stand having a secret from him and he deserves better from me. By not telling him of the allegations before our wedding I cheated him out of the decision to marry me or flush me. If he thought I was a cheater, leaving me may have profited him and cost me. That's hard to live with: the notion that I could do that to a man who I supposedly love. I don't just mean that I may have been unfaithful, but that I robbed him of making the choice to keep me.

"Then there's the fact that I am not sure myself, really honestly not sure that it happened. There's also the fact that I have labored in my love to ensure the best possible outcome for him. So those are the things he will need to weigh. The problem is that it really should have been his choice back then before we were married. I denied him that. Even if it was for the best reasons, that's not good."

There was a silence and another mood reset. Then Ivy was speaking again but back in a helpful protective mentoring way.

Ivy said, "Let's bring this back to you. If I were you, would I walk in and tell your man about last night? I don't think I would. I would think about it long and hard first. I don't want you to start a life together on lies, but if your situation triple distills for you like it did me then you know you will be faithful and will dedicate your life to making up for this, to eventually moving beyond making amends to making his life wonderful - because you love him.

"If your future husband is truly extraordinary perhaps you can be honest, if so, the sooner the better. But most men will see a spoiled version of a picture they loved. You can't help it, but to him you aren't just his alone now, which is most likely an important part of the puzzle that makes up his image of you. He can forget all the men previous because he won you from them and left them in the dust. But this stripper had himself in your mouth after you agreed to marry. Your future husband will see that man in your mouth as you speak, or when you kiss, or when you go down on your husband. That's a lot to overcome.

What of presenting this to him as what may have happened to me, that you were out of it and the guy took advantage of the situation? Too many people saw you humming away looking fairly contented. We are still trying to track down phones, we think we got them all last night, and yes some of your "friends" took pictures."

Lee heard the gasps and the wiling that bit of news evoked.

"Look we made all the girls hand us their phones before we would let them out of the limo. We searched their phones and deleted anything that could cause you or them harm. We were there to protect, even the bad ones from themselves."

Lee heard the general din ratchet down several notches to pre picture revelation levels, he heard his wife begin to speak again.

"I will talk to your man tell him you were blotto. if that's what you want or need; that's what I truly believe. But if you have any false friends like I did, and there is any way they can put a seed of doubt into his mind, then fair of not you may not be able to overcome it. Don't lie to him, but don't light the fuse yourself. I would wait for any allegations to come up and let me and the others jump on them first. And it's vital that you understand why; you aren't protecting yourself alone.

"Most likely your man wants to worship you in some pristine form, I'm afraid this misadventure makes you damaged goods to some extent which denies your husband the chance. I'm not saying your man is awful, but rather that is not the picture of you he needs. He does not need doubts that you want others more than him, that he isn't enough, or that you can't control yourself. He doesn't need the doubt of your veracity when you are out of his presence. He needs to have confidence.

"He may love you for you, but you are also the ultimate trophy for him. "I won this fair maiden and took her away from every other man in the world! She is the shining beacon that someone chooses me over everyone else. This woman loves me and will defend me against every other person on earth!" Those things that he needs to believe will be difficult when he can't forget that your first night without him some guy got his dick in your mouth. He doesn't need doubts. He will have plenty about himself; you need to be the source of his confidence! Do you understand that?"

There was a pause before Lee heard his wife affirm, "Good. Forgiveness of what happened is a level of maturity that it may take a man thirty years or more of age to establish, yet you are asking it of a twenty-year-old when you have not yet proven yourself. That's a hard combination to overcome.

"But this doesn't have to be the end either. Take him and love him and never let him go. Encourage him and view him in robes of wonder and awe. I will be here when you need to talk about what you've done."

"One more important point. Would I give that advice to someone who likes to play around, who has left themselves a little leeway for possible future extracurricular activity hidden from their husband? Would I give it to a woman who had convinced herself one last suck, one more tryst, and then I will be faithful forever? No. No way! I would tell that woman that she needs to fess up to her man and live with the consequences. She will slip up because again because she isn't devoted, and it will destroy her marriage and wreck her husband worse than it wrecks her sorry ass. I have seen that play out too. The only chance that woman has is to have been meticulously honest all thought their relationship when she is eventually found out. A history of hidden behavior discovered at that point will destroy any chance she has."

"This is different. Your real crime is trusting friends that weren't friends. Your friends going forward can't be just yours, they must respect your marriage with your husband. To do otherwise is a crime! You must guard against that. You have seen friends interested in only you play out! Trusting the wrong people or befriending people who don't respect your spouse will undermine your marriage. If you let someone inside your shields like that, expect trouble. So be wary, and jealously guard your marriage. Remember whether it was your fault or not you are already on your second chance; act accordingly."