Belinda and Sue - A Love Story Ch. 01

I'd just like to add to Hiesenhug's notes. Run on sentences are a challenge for authors. What flows naturally from one's mind, may not read naturally for another. Beta readers and editors can identify problems writers can't see when reading their own work.

I try to reserve 'and' for pairings or listings:

"Rum and Coke"

"Jack and Jill"

"May, June and July"

If I use 'and' for another purpose, I ask myself some questions:

'Can I replace this with a comma?'

'Is there enough here for two sentences?'

I think all writers will benefit from hating the 'a' word!

As a beginning of a multiple chapter story this is a very heart warming start. Saw a few punctuation errors, other than that I loved it. 5🌟's

Very good! I hope there's more!

Thank you for taking the time to let me know what you thought. I feel privileged that you liked my work.

Writing for Literotica is a little difficult and my style wasn't really designed for that layout. I struggled a bit re-paragraphing to suit. When it appears, have a look at CH06 where I have more or less re written to add more direct speech. I'm not sure if it works. Tell me what you think.

Sorry, I had to give up trying to read this as I neared the end of page 1, however I thought I'd share why so as to still be giving helpful feedback.

Problem 1 is that the story suffers from wall of text syndrome. Long paragraphs aren't normally a bad thing but they need some balancing with shorter paragraphs and dialogue.

Speaking of dialogue, problem 2 is that there's almost none. Writing in third person is fine but we don't hear them speak until half way through page one and even then it's only a handful of lines. Summarising conversations in premise and exposition sections is fine, you just shouldn't have a quarter of the story be such. I think if you had expanded on a couple of the conversations in the set up, made them actual dialogue instead of third party recap, that would have helped massively with density and flow without delaying the action too much.

Problem 3 is scene breaks, the lack there of. It's not as bad as it could have been, there are clues at the beginning or end of paragraphs to indicate time had passed and scene had changed, yet those scene changes still feel unexpected if you're not specifically looking for them because there isn't a break in layout. Jumping naturally between exposition narration and detailed scenes can be tricky to pull off if you're not using explicit breaks, and sadly you didn't quite manage it here. The paragraph size probably makes it worse but I don't want to say that's the whole issue as other factors would probably still need a tweak.

Hope some of that is useful to you.

I have spent some time over the past few hours chewing and ruminating on your lovely tale. I so love the analogy of sea! I love the way Belinda and Sue splash about in the shallow waters, and just play and explore together, just enjoying their relationship without any pressure for things to be more or less than what they are. I also respect the way Sue so bravely ventured into the deeper waters and how she was willing to take the risk to share her struggle of never having experienced a real orgasm. This is sad and true for so many other women out there like Sue who just want to feel that earthshattering pleasure they've heard so much about. I admire how Belinda was so tender and loving with Sue, and how she really wanted her friend to know what an orgasm felt like. I can feel the ache in Sue's heart as she longs to experience sex as more than penis penetration. She couldn't have trusted herself to more loving and tender hands than that of her best friend, and lover, Belinda. Belinda has a huge heart. She puts zero pressure on Sue. She wants Sue to come before she does, because she wants them to experience this together as friends and lovers.

I feel both women's plights and desires into the very recesses of my heart and soul. This is exactly how I would want my first time to be, in the arms of a trusted friend, like Belinda. I feel like I could write a whole essay of compliments on the beauty of this story of friendship, love, innocence and eroticism. I can tell you really put your heart into this story and spent much time developing the characters, the imagery, and the plot of two beautiful women who just want to explore their bodies and their relationship. I was quite moved by your lovely story. Please, keep putting yourself out there. Don't listen to critics who have no idea about what they speak, A real writer will appreciate your literary talent. Keep writing!!

PS: Don't worry about people who leave negative comments. If you will notice, most of them have not put themselves out there and written or published their stories. I think some people want to be editors who haven't even made a contribution. Posh!! As another encouraging member wrote me earlier, "Don't worry about the Philistines!"

From one writer to another, I think you have talent!! Keep writing. It's a journey that is worth pursuing!! :)

This was a wonderful love story! You have a very sensual writing style. I liked both the innocence and the eroticism, and how those ideas flowed like the sea, in and out, back and forth. I liked how the women's movements emulated the movements of the sea where they were spending their holiday. I could see the parallels between the way you depicted their interactions with ebbs and flows, to the movements of the waves. Initially it appears that Belinda is the pursuer and Sue the pursuee. However, as you so well describe, the movements change. Their interactions flow in and out, like waves, to where they are both simultaneously the pursuer and the pursuee. Great job with the imagery and symbolism! I was turned on!!

I liked your story

Please continue