Ben Loves a Challenge Ch. 12

Dean touched his arm. That simple touch shook his whole body and the precursory prickling sensation made his eyes wet. No, no, no, he couldn't cry, not in front of Dean, he didn't want Dean to think he was this weak. Air rushed into his lungs, inhaling as deep as he could, but his chest was too tight. The prickling began to sting. "Ben, please, what's wrong?"

He couldn't resist Dean's touch, or the concern in his voice. Once the first tear fell it opened the gates to all of the other ones. His whole body convulsed as the first tears threatened to drop him to his knees. "Oh, no, Ben, come here, come here."

Dean gently grabbed his arm and tugged him into a stuttering walk. He tried to say something, but he was crying too hard to make any coherent sounds, and he didn't know what to say, anyway. Dean led him into his apartment and shut the door behind them before wheeling him to the couch.

"Sit," Dean directed.

Ben nodded, his body moving mechanically to the couch. Dean left, then returned with a box of tissues and a glass of water. Ben took a tissue and blew his nose, then took the glass of water. He tried to sip it but ended up spilling it on himself instead, and Dean took it from him and put it on the table.

"Take your coat off." He nodded again, then unzipped his coat. Dean helped him pull it off. "You're freezing," Dean chided, sliding his hand down Ben's bare arm. "Stay. I'm getting you a blanket."

It wasn't like he had any energy left to leave, not now. And, he didn't want to leave anyway. Dean came back and wrapped him in a soft black fleece blanket, then pulled him so that Ben's face was against his chest. His tears hurt, and before long, his chest hurt, too, from crying so hard, and the whole time Dean just held him, rocking gently back and forth as if soothing a child.

It made him cry harder, this was humiliating, to show his weakness to Dean. Would Dean think less of him, that he wasn't able to handle a little rejection? But Dean's presence, his soft shushing noises, his gentle touch running soft circles across his back, he loved it, craved it, needed it. With so many confusing feelings, he couldn't sort himself out.

"I'm s-s-sorry," he gasped when his tears finally exhausted themselves and he caught his breath. His chest was still hitching, and he had a feeling he was going to have hiccups.

Dean snorted. "Don't be sorry," he said, hugging Ben tighter. "You don't have anything to be sorry about."

"You w-were r-r-right," he stuttered. "You s-s-said..." He couldn't bring himself to finish the sentence, or he'd start crying again. The weight of those unsaid words were heavy enough.

Dean rubbed his back in small, comforting circles. "I know," he eventually agreed. "I wish I wasn't, though."

Ben snort-sobbed, then buried his face into Dean's bony shoulder. "I..." He didn't know what to say, didn't know what he wanted to say, or how to say it.

"You could've called me," Dean said after a moment.

He pushed his way out of Dean's arms, even though he wanted to stay there forever. "My stuff's all at my moms. Even my c-c-cat," he said, his sinuses burning with refreshed tears. So much for not crying again. "She m-made, told me..." He couldn't speak right, couldn't say what he was trying to say, his chest was so tight it would burst any minute. "K-kicked me o-out." He couldn't say anything else as sobs wracked his body.

Dean held him again, rocking him gently. "Shh," he whispered, then kissed the side of Ben's head above his ear. "Don't, don't dwell on it. Be here, be now. Shh..."

They sat there on the couch like that for a while, Ben didn't know how long. Dean held him, soothing him, calming him. When he finally felt he had his tears under control he pushed Dean away. "I'm o-okay now." Dean studied him with enough intensity he had to look away. Ben leaned back on the couch, letting his head fall back to study Dean's ceiling. "I'm glad you were home."

Dean exhaled loudly. "Me too. What would you have done if I wasn't?"

He shrugged, staring at the semi-floral plaster spattering across the ceiling so he didn't have to look at Dean, sure that if he did he'd start crying again. "Dunno. I..." He shook his head. "I dunno."

Dean scooted into the side of his body. "S'okay, Ben. It's all okay."

"A-aren't you gonna tell me 'I told you so'? Cause you did."

Dean sighed, then took Ben's hand into his. "I wish I hadn't been right," he complained softly. "I didn't wanna be right this time. It's just... It goes this way with a lot of us. I didn't want you to be hurt because of me."

Ben grabbed Dean's shoulder and turned him and looked him right in the eye. "Don't you dare," he growled. "Don't you dare try to say that this's your fault. This, I did this, made this choice. You tried to stop me. I don't care what my mom..." he couldn't finish his sentence, because he really did care. But he cared more about Dean. "Don't let this make you feel guilty. Please."

Dean bit his lower lip and looked away. "Ben..."

Ben resumed staring at the ceiling so he didn't start crying again. "D'metrius told me I wasn't actually gay, but I think that's kinda judgy of him. I mean, you know. I've done things, initiated things, right? And, I've never felt anything even close to what I feel for you, not for anyone else I've ever been with. I'm not..." His chest grew tight again. "Please, keep seeing me. Please, I couldn't handle it, if you made me, if you didn't want..."

His tears threatened to fall again, but he didn't actually have any left. "Shut up, Ben," Dean chastised, then kissed the side of his head again. "Like I would let you go now. You can't get rid of me that easy. Don't forget, I wanted you first."

"Yeah, but I was the one who chased you."

"Maybe I was just playing hard to get?"

"It's a good thing I'm stubborn, eh?"

"Stubborn? I was gonna go with persistent." Dean smiled and he snorted a laugh. A second later his whole body convulsed with the aftershock of heavy crying, drowning out everything else. Dean took his hand and squeezed it. "Hey, hey, it's gonna be okay, yea? One way or another."

"Do you think she-"

"Don't." Dean put a finger over his lips. "Just don't. Listen, Ben, she may never accept you. I'm not trying to be mean, but you need to hear this. You can't just wait for her to accept this about you. If she does or if she doesn't, you can't control that. What I meant is that it's gonna be okay, like one day you'll feel better. Don't pin your hopes on your mom, yea?"

He nibbled at Dean's finger, then grabbed it when he tried to pull away and kissed the tip. "Maybe she'll be okay with me, with us, after she has some time to process it all."

"Don't, Ben," Dean said, his tone growing gruff. "You can't control other people, not even your mom. It doesn't matter how much she loves you, or you think she loves you. She may not be able to accept you because now you've shaken her world view. Before today I bet she barely thought about gay people. She didn't have to. It was someone else's problem. Now, it's her problem, and she can either accept it, or deny it. And, denying it's a lot easier than processing the emotions to accept it."

He dropped his hand away from his face, but continued to hold Dean's. He had to take three breaths before he could speak. "I thought..." Why was his chest so tight? It felt like he was having a heart attack. "I mean..." He could feel his heart beat, could hear it in his ears louder than he could hear Dean's voice. Black spots dotted his vision and suddenly he couldn't breathe at all, his chest was too full to take another breath, but also too empty.

His head spun, and he was standing, but nothing looked right and he couldn't breath, and everything was so loud and he couldn't breathe.

"Ben." He heard Dean's voice, but it was so quiet compared to the thudding in his head. "Ben. Sit down."

Dean's hand tugged his own and he fell back to the couch. He tore his hand away from Dean and clutched his chest, it hurt so much. He was having a heart attack, and he wasn't even that old. He was gonna die on Dean's couch. He tried to push himself up, refusing to die in Dean's apartment, but Dean's hands closed on his shoulders, locking him in place.

"Gonna die, need to go!" he gasped.

"Ben, shh, Ben. It's okay, you're having a panic attack, you're not dying. Not on my watch. Shh, breathe, Ben. Deep breaths, take a deep breath."

"I can't breathe," he gasped. "Can't breathe."

Dean scooted down the couch and pulled him along. His muscles were frozen, so Dean was easily able to pull him down onto his side. He ended up with his head in Dean's lap. Cold fingers slipped into his hair and gently rubbed his scalp.

"Shh, Ben. It's okay, you're okay. You're safe, just breathe. Take a deep breath, come on, you can do it." He tried, but his lungs froze up and he began coughing. It felt like he was choking on air. "Shh, Ben, shh. Be calm, you're safe here. I... I love you, Ben. Now, take a deep breath for me, yea?"

Dean's other hand came to rest on his shoulder, holding him down, grounding him. It took him two more tries, and then he could breathe again. He wasn't able to take as deep of a breath as he wanted, but each breath following was a little deeper. Dean was breathing with him, he realized, he could feel it in the way his fingers moved through his hair.

"It's gonna be okay, Ben," Dean whispered, sliding his hand on Ben's shoulder down his arm and back up it in a soothing loop. "I love you, Ben. It's gonna be okay." The words triggered his tears again and he broke down, sobbing without restraint, hiding his face against Dean's sweatpants.

"Shh," Dean cooed, his hand moving from his shoulder to his back. Ben wriggled, curling up into a tight ball. He turned over and buried his face in Dean's torso, his knees against his chest. "Hey, it's okay, yea? Shh, Ben, it's okay."

Dean smelled good. He loved how Dean smelled, loved how Dean's body felt against his own. He cried unrestrained, letting out everything his mother had made him feel. All of the anger and hurt and disappointment. The embarrassment. The rejection. He cried until he couldn't cry anymore, and Dean held him the whole time, comforting him with soothing words.

He came to a realization. This man really did love him. It felt stupid, once he thought it, it was so stupid that it felt silly. He chuckled, then laughed, and then he was laughing uncontrollably, painfully.

And still, Dean held him, stroking his head and back. "Dean?" he asked when he was able to speak again.

"Yea, Ben?"

"Thanks."

Dean patted his hip. "Anytime." He buried his face in Dean's now-soggy shirt again, curling up as tight as he could. Dean's hand slipped to his ass. It was unintentional, Dean pulled his hand away quickly.

He uncurled and took Dean's hand from his side and moved it back to his butt. "It feels nice," he said when Dean tried to pull away again. "Leave it?"

"Ben, I don't wanna, I mean, I don't want you to think I'm taking advantage of you."

Dean's words stirred something in him, his first welcome feeling in a while. "What if I want you to?"

"Ben," Dean said in his no-nonsense voice. "You just got over a panic attack. You're emotionally fragile right now, and I won't take advantage of you, we'd both regret it later."

Ben pushed Dean's hands away, then sat up. He turned, kneeling on the couch, but Dean wouldn't meet his eyes. "Hey. Dean, you're not taking advantage of-"

"Seriously?" Dean snapped, head whipping around to him. "You just had a panic attack. You're not okay yet, and if I start touching you I'll wanna. I mean, I'm, it's stressful, right? Yea? For me, too. I don't like to see you like this, I wanna make it all better and I can't."

Ben had never wanted to be comforted like this before, but now he wanted Dean's touch, Dean's mouth over his. Dean's hands on his ass. "Then let me help you feel better." He threw one leg over Dean's lap and moved to straddle him.

"You'll regret it," Dean said, trying to push him back. "I'll regret it. This isn't-"

He fought Dean's resistance and won, seating himself firmly on Dean's lap. He caught Dean's mouth in a kiss. It only took a second before Dean was relaxing into his kiss, then began kissing him back, though it was tentative.

He pulled away too soon, but something was poking against his inner thigh. It sent a bolt of lust straight to his own quickly flooding cock. "Listen," he said, catching Dean's face between his palms. "I wanna feel good. I want you to feel good. I wanna feel something positive. I wanna know someone loves me."

"Dammit, Ben. I love you, you know I do. But if we get intimate right now when you're vulnerable-"

"I'm not vulnerable. I'm safe, you said so," he countered. "I want you to comfort me, Dean." He kissed Dean's nose then pulled back again. Dean was sucking on his bottom lip, looking conflicted. "Comfort me, Dean." He pressed himself against Dean's boner. "Comfort me with this."

"Sorry," Dean apologized. "I didn't, I mean, it's cause you were on my lap, and all the emotions, and the touching and kissing. Don't, I didn't-"

He ground himself into Dean's lap again, then took his hand and pressed it against his own erection. "I am, too. I wanna, please?"

Dean struggled internally, and it was clear when he gave in. "Ben, you're killing me."

"Loving you, you mean," he corrected.

Dean snorted. "Same difference, with you." Dean sighed, then pressed his forehead against Ben's. "You sure? You're okay now?"

He nodded, then kissed Dean's nose again. "I'm okay now, because of you. I love you, Dean."

"Love you too," Dean whispered.

Ben cupped his cheeks again and pulled him into another kiss. Dean didn't resist this time, he kissed him back with authority. Ben couldn't help but moan as Dean took over the kiss, directing it how he wanted. Dean grabbed him by the shoulders and pushed him down into his manhood, rocking his hips slightly. He moaned and moved his hips encouragingly.

Dean broke off the kiss and just looked at him for a second. "You're killing me," he finally said.

Ben rocked his hips again. "Love you, too," he agreed, then ducked back in for a kiss, changing his mind at the last second and nipping Dean's nose. "I can't even tell you how important you've become to me so quickly."

Dean frowned. "This's moving too fast, then."

Ben rolled his eyes. "Nope, we aren't going into 'Dean tries to regret things that don't need regretting town'. You're supposed to be comforting me. Nothing's moving too fast. We only just had sex the other day for the first time, and we've been doing stuff for a few weeks now, right? Most people have had lots of sex before now. Have you ever spent this long dating someone before having sex?"

Dean's lips pursed, then he laughed. "Not since high school. You're really the worst, you know that?"

"Is it always opposite day with you?" he asked, sliding his hands around Dean's neck. "I mean, not that I mind, I was just wondering if you ever say what you mean."

"Excuse me, but I always say what I mean," Dean complained.

Ben smiled, then leaned back and stretched out his sore back. "Sure, sure," he agreed, then pressed down on Dean's crotch with his butt. "At least part of you is honest."

Dean frowned, but it was his sexy frown. He didn't have time to react before Dean's teeth sank into the flesh above his collar bone. He squeaked, then moaned when Dean didn't release his firm bite. "I love it when you bite me," Ben gasped. Dean ground his teeth and Ben wiggled.

Finally Dean released his bite, but not before giving one more good grind of his teeth. If he didn't have a mark there tomorrow he'd be surprised. "Still love it when I bite ya?"

Ben sniffed. "As if that little love nibble would change my mind."

"Should I bite you harder?"

Ben chuckled, then sighed as the weight of everything returned. "If you want."

"Ben, this right here is why. You aren't alright yet."

He tried to argue, but found Dean was right. "I know. But... I still wanna."

Dean sat back, sucking in his lower lip. "Just kissing, yea?"

Ben whined. "What about touching?"

"Cuddling only," Dean said, his tone growing stern. "No getting handsy."

"Dean!" he whined. Dean sighed, pulling him in for a relatively chaste kiss. "Can I spend the night at least?"

Dean pursed his lips. "As long as you don't push me. I don't think you're okay yet. You've been through a lot today. Okay? Can you promise you won't push me?"

Ben fell forward, resting his head on Dean's bony shoulder. "I don't wanna be alone tonight."

Dean kissed his head, then pulled him into a too-tight hug that knocked the breath from his lungs. "You won't be. I'll be here."

Tears stung his eyes again and he pressed his face into that sharp shoulder. "Thanks," he whispered. Dean held him like that and eventually he was able to keep himself from crying again.

He didn't have a change of clothes, and he didn't want to sleep in his jeans and a button up shirt, so he slept in his underwear, which was surprisingly embarrassing. Dean didn't tease him, he just welcomed him into that now familiar bed, and into his arms.

It soon became apparent that he wasn't going to be able to sleep in Dean's arms. Dean sighed in relief when he admitted it, then rolled over. After a moment of sorting out blankets and pillows, Dean reached over and took his hand. He squeezed it gently, kissed it once, then turned onto his side, still holding his hand.

He wasn't sure when he fell asleep, but when he woke up, Dean was curled against his back. It was nice, just listening to the level cadence of Dean's breath, and feeling Dean's body next to his.

The tranquility was broken by the sound of Dean's phone from the other room. Dean bolted upright, looking around in a bit of a panic. "Is that my phone?" he asked, sounding dazed.

"I can go get it," Ben offered.

"I can't see, my glasses are in the bathroom. Shit."

"I got it, Dean," Ben assured. "Stay here, I'll be right back." He reluctantly left the warmth of Dean's sheets and headed for his phone. He wasn't quick enough to catch it. He wanted to see who it was, but he wouldn't violate Dean's privacy. He trotted to the bathroom and grabbed Dean's glasses, but he didn't have to wait long to learn who had called Dean. The name Zion appeared as Dean's phone rang again, with a fantastic picture of Zion that had D'metrius looking good enough to make any woman jealous.

He handed glasses first, then the phone to Dean. "It's D'metrius," he said as Dean slid his glasses on.

"Hey," Dean rasped into his phone, laying back dow on the bed with it next to his face on speaker. "What's goin' on?"

"Have you heard from Straight-bait?" D'metrius asked, sounding worried. It was nice to know he actually cared even a little bit.

"Hmm?" Dean said, then yawned loudly. "Don't call my boyfriend that."

D'metrius snorted. "I just call it how I see it, Princess."

"Don't call me Princess, either," Dean snapped, but it was playful. D'metrius chuckled. "But, why are you worried about Ben? Did something happen?"

Ben's throat tightened as the day before crashed back down on him. It had felt so nice to forget about it for a while. He felt safe when he was with Dean, and it wasn't emasculating like he'd worried it would feel. It made him feel stronger. Like if Dean was with him, he could face the world.

He watched Dean nervously, unable to sort out his feelings enough to know if he wanted D'metrius to know he was there or not. Dean smacked his lips together before answering. "He's here."

"He's with you? Why in the ever-loving fuck didn't that bitch call me?!"

"Hmm? Didn't realize you two were that close already," Dean replied. His eyes slipped shut and Ben realized Dean wasn't much of a morning person.