Better to Seek Forgiveness?

Thank you to blackrandl1958 for her editing prowess.

"So what's the final decision then? Ask for permission or go behind his back and seek forgiveness if necessary?" Marianne Looper asked her best friend Traci McLish, while they drank cappuccinos at a Starbucks in Denver, Colorado.

Traci looked at her friend with a wry smile.

"Prudence says it would be better to tell him before I do it so it wouldn't be cheating, but intelligence says that he'll say no if I tell him beforehand, so going behind his back and never getting caught seems to be a much better solution," Traci said, her long platinum blonde hair catching a ray of sunlight coming in from the skylight above.

"Ah, Prudence can be such a fickle bitch. Just don't get caught then," Marianne said. "Although it seems that sooner or later, it happens to everyone. You know that, right?"

"Yeah, but I'm hoping that by the time that happens, I'll have enough time in that he'll see it's better to just let me continue," Traci said.

"Are you sure you want to risk this? Marcus is a great guy," Marianne said. "You two have been married a long time..."

"That's why I think he'd let me continue if he catches us," Traci said. "I don't think he'll want to give up everything we've worked this hard for. In another 10 or 15 years, we'd be able to ride off into a nice retirement sunset.

"It's not like he'd have to worry about me falling in love with any of these guys. I know it sounds cliché, but in this case, it really will be just sex."

"I believe you, sis, but men don't think like us. They can't separate love from sex when it comes to their spouses. You'd be walking a fine line here," Marianne commented.

"I know, but I have to do this," Traci said. "I need... need to feel some excitement back in my life."

Traci and Marianne had been discussing this for the last two months, since Traci told her friend that she felt her life had fallen into a rut from which she saw only one way out.

"I need to feel the excitement of a new relationship," Traci told her friend. "Remember how exciting it was in high school, college and then right after, when boys would scope you out, chase you and then woo you? How you spent all that time going back and forth with a boy, maybe several, learning things about them and them learning about you? I need that. I miss that.

"I love Marcus to death. He's a wonderful man; a great father, a good provider, a great husband. But we've been together so long... we finish each other's sentences; we both know what the other is thinking. To quote B.B. King, 'the thrill is gone.' I need the thrill back, Mare. I don't want to hurt Marc, but I need to do this for me. I need to figure out how I can do this and yet minimize Marc's pain. I'd prefer he not find out at all, but it might be best if he finds out from me first.

"I don't want a divorce. I just need a little excitement in my life... for a little while. Then I think I could go back and be the best wife I can be for Marc for the rest of our lives."

"I don't see Marc giving this to you, Traci, no matter how much he loves you," Marianne said.

"I don't either. I really need to think hard on this one, Marianne," Traci said.

******

He was standing at the bar with another student when Traci and three friends walked in to the small Mexican restaurant near campus. The four girls sat down at a table, Traci's spot facing the two young men at the bar.

"I've seen the round one around campus before, but not the tall guy with the curly mop of hair," Traci said to the others at the table. "Any of you know that one?"

"That's Marcus McLish," science nerd extraordinaire," said one of the others at the table. "Not much of a socialite. He's too busy being brilliant. Everyone says he's going to start out at six figures with one of the big chemical companies."

"Wow. All that and gorgeous blue eyes and it looks like a decent body, too. Ladies, I think I just found my husband. I'm going in," Traci said as she got up from the table and headed toward the young man.

While he wasn't a player by any means, Marcus knew his way around women, although he had never before had a woman of Traci's beauty choose him. She was wearing tight Levi's jeans and the obligatory Iowa State T-shirt. The young man tried to play it cool, but couldn't stop himself from blatantly looking the curvaceous woman up and down.

"Smooth. Real smooth. You might want to wipe that drool off your chin, science guy. I'm Traci Miller, by the way," she said, smiling when he couldn't get out a coherent answer.

The two were an item from then on, and were married a year after they graduated. Traci's outgoing, direct persona brought out the best in the quiet, reserved, uber-intelligent science nerd. Marc's entire focus away from work was being everything his wife wanted and/or needed. In her presence, he could hold a conversation on many subjects, even be glib and charming when that was needed. Or he could be forceful, when that was needed.

Twenty-seven years of marriage did nothing to reduce Marc's love for his wife and his life. He had worked very hard balancing his career and his family life, and thought he had done well. He was a vice president of research for a medical equipment firm, and he and Traci had raised two exceptional children, both of whom were now at good colleges. They had a nice home, took great vacations, had been smart with their money and were planning to retire at 60 to tour the world while they were in good health.

If asked, Marcus would have told anybody who would listen his marriage was just about perfect.

******

Traci thought that since Joshua Laird was the one that got her started on this path, he should be the first one to reap its benefits. The 35-year-old had twice asked Traci to go to lunch with him and was twice turned down, the woman pointing out that she was happily married, so when she asked him to dinner a few weeks later, he squinted his eyes at her for several seconds before giving her an affirmative answer.

"What's changed? Are you and your husband on the outs or something?" he asked.

Traci wasn't sure how much she wanted to reveal, so she opted for a minimal answer.

"Hubby and I are good. This is something I want... and it's outside of my marriage," Traci said. "And since you were the one who was bold enough to ask, fortune in this case favors the bold. All I will say is that I'm at the time of my life where I want a little excitement again. I'm a wife, a mother and a professional... but I'm also a woman with needs and feelings. I think that part of my life has been getting short shrift for some time, and I also miss some of the spontaneity of my younger days.

"Wine me. Dine me. Let's see where this leads... discreetly."

"Message received. Thank you for giving me dibs," Joshua said.

Two weeks later on a Thursday night, Traci and Joshua met for dinner at a high-end Jamaican restaurant on the outskirts of the city. She had told her husband a week earlier she had a dinner meeting with a client and would be home about 11. Since she occasionally had to do dinner meetings in her job at a national communications company, Marcus didn't think twice, especially since he trusted his wife completely. He didn't know she had packed a change of clothes in an overnight bag and had that in her car trunk when she left for work.

Joshua was surprised when Traci got out of her car in a short, tight blue dress that wasn't what she wore to work. He took a good look at the woman, and despite the fact that he knew she had worked at their company for 20 years, he still guessed her age at about 40.

"You look hot, Traci. Not what you were wearing earlier today," Joshua said.

"I thought you deserved better than 'business Traci,'" she said, making air quotes with her hands.

He held his hand out to the woman. She took it and the pair walked into the restaurant like the couple they were for that evening.

Traci's heart was beating double-time. This was exactly the reason she wanted to date another man. Seated at the table, she looked into Joshua's big brown eyes, noted the mocha color of his skin, guessed at the fit body under his business suit. She smiled brightly.

"Are you part Jamaican? Is that why you chose this place?" Traci asked her date.

"As a matter of fact, yes, I am," he answered. "Both of my British grandparents married Jamaican women, and both of my parents live in England. Both of my grandmothers were great cooks, and I have great memories of them cooking up some hellacious food. I come here at least once a month.

"Jamaican food also sits easy on the stomach. Some dancing is next on the agenda."

Traci felt her pussy lubricate the first time Joshua wrapped her tightly in his arms on a slow dance. Feeling the strength in his arms, Traci melted into her partner. It seemed to her that all five of her senses were on high alert.

The two danced for about 45 minutes before Joshua suggested they finish the evening at his apartment. At first blush, Traci thought the suggestion was almost too bold. Upon further reflection, though, she realized this was exactly what she wanted. She gave the younger man a beautiful smile and a nod of agreement.

As they had done at the restaurant and the club, they each took their own cars to Joshua's apartment. Once she stepped inside, Traci noticed that she was trembling in anticipation, and her pussy was soaking her bikini panties.

Forty-five minutes later, Traci was lying on the bed next to Joshua, breathing heavily and sweating from her first sex with anyone other than Marcus in more than 28 years. She had come hard twice, and was reminded that sex with a 35-year-old was just a little more vigorous than with a 50-year-old. Yeah, this was what she had in mind when she made the decision to step outside of her marriage.

"I need to go clean-up a bit and change back into my dailies," she told Joshua after a few minutes.

Traci noted while she changed her clothes and fixed up her hair and makeup that the guilt she expected to hit her was minimal. She smiled inwardly, knowing that this was a good sign. When she came out of the bathroom, Joshua, still naked, was waiting for her. They kissed passionately on the lips before she left, telling him that she would be pleased to do a repeat performance in the future.

Traci walked in the door at 11:15, quickly apologizing to Marcus for being a few minutes late due to traffic. She was sincere about being late, and her unsuspecting husband noted that sincerity as she quickly kissed him on the lips and breezed through into the bathroom.

"Wow. That was easier than I thought," Traci said to herself as she walked past. "All that worrying for nothing.

After five repeats with Joshua, Traci decided she needed to branch out to keep to her plan. Not that she stopped having sex with Joshua; she just added a second man and soon a third to the mix. Getting to know all three, both in and out of bed, was very exciting, completely satisfying her need for new and exciting.

Traci was feeling somewhat smug with the way her plan was working. She was usually getting together with her lovers twice a week. The sex was fantastic, and doing new things and having new people to discuss everything and anything was equally as good. If she were honest with herself, she would have said the sex had actually become secondary, in part because her lovers, while good, really weren't any better than her husband. She began to consider adding more people to her rotation to keep things fresh.

******

"Is that your wife?" Carl Smiley hesitantly asked Marcus as he moved in behind the older man to look at a schematic on his computer monitor.

Traci's photo and a photo of his two children always were on the left-hand side of his desk, just to the right of his monitor, which sat at the corner. Marcus heard the hesitation in the younger man's voice, and noticed he had taken a step back. He turned to look at the younger man and saw that he was ashen-faced. He pointed to the chair across from his desk and told the man to sit.

Carl had worked with Marcus for three years. Marcus liked the 27-year-old and felt he had a good future with the company. He also thought the young man was handsome and respectful, the kind of man he would like for his daughter to marry someday when she decided to take that step.

"Something's obviously wrong, Carl. You look like you've seen a ghost... Oh... you have seen a ghost, haven't you, Carl?" Marcus said, his face suddenly showing recognition.

Carl quickly dropped his eyes into his lap. Marcus got up, closed his office door and locked it. He sat back down in his chair and stared through the young man, the silence growing louder, as it were.

"I didn't know she was your wife. I swear I didn't," Carl whispered, keeping his eyes down. "I knew she was married. She said she and her husband had an arrangement. I swear I didn't know she was your wife."

Marcus' face went from concerned to angry to nauseous in the blink of an eye. His well-ordered brain felt like a bomb had gone off inside, with questions and thoughts coming from every angle.

"How many times didn't you know she was my wife?" Marcus finally asked after a silence of about 10 seconds.

"Three, no four," the younger man replied, quickly halving the actual number to try to lessen the impact.

Marcus felt tears come to his eyes. He had seen Carl quickly calculate something in his mind, and guessed that the younger man gave him a number that was lower than actual to try to ease Marcus' pain.

After another extended silence, Marcus finally croaked out, "How? Why?"

The younger man finally looked up at Marcus. He didn't need more words spoken to him to know what Marcus was asking.

"We met about four months ago in a bar that has a dance floor. She was with a black guy. They looked like a couple, especially when they danced. We danced once or twice, and talked. I asked if they were exclusive, and she said they weren't. She accepted a date with me for the next week, and we get together occasionally.

"By get together, you mean you... fuck. Right?" Marcus asked.

Carl dropped his eyes and nodded.

"She said she and... you, I guess... had an arrangement. She dated... yes, fucked... other guys, with your approval," he said.

"I swear to God I didn't know she was your wife. I swear to God."

"Yeah, but you did know she was someone's wife," Marcus remarked.

"Yeah, but she was already with somebody. At first I thought she was his wife, but when I looked at his hand I noticed he wasn't wearing a ring," Carl said.

The younger man looked directly at Marcus and made an obvious decision of some sort.

"Turns out she is dating... fucking... several men in addition to me and the black guy," Carl said softly. "You're telling me that not only didn't you give her permission, but you didn't know?"

"That would be an accurate assessment," Marcus said.

The two men looked at each other in silence.

"I'm sorry, Marcus. I'll stop seeing her," Carl said.

"I'd appreciate that. I'd also appreciate it if you wouldn't tell her about this conversation. I need to make some plans," Marcus said.

Carl got up, unlocked the door and left quietly. Marcus stayed seated, for all intents staring at his computer for the next hour until it was time to go home. He knew... that things between his wife and him had been off for the past year. Their free-ranging discussions had decreased, she had been working late more than ever before and even their usual sexual liaisons had dwindled from several times a week to maybe once a fortnight. His questions about her health and well-being had been repeatedly answered with one-word grunts.

As was usual on nights where neither worked late, Traci was in the kitchen preparing dinner when Marcus walked in the door. He set his keys on their usual hook, then instead of walking over to his wife for a quick kiss before changing his clothes, he plopped down into a chair at the kitchen table, his eyes glazed with tears.

Traci looked over at her husband and... knew that he knew. Tears immediately formed in her eyes as well, and she felt frozen to the spot upon which she stood.

"How long has this been going on, Traci? Why don't you love me anymore?" he mumbled, struggling mightily not to cry.

Traci lost her battle to hold back her tears.

"Not quite a year. But I do love you, baby. That's not what this is about," she said as tears ran down her cheeks.

Marcus raised both eyebrows at his wife but didn't speak. He rolled his right hand forward, indicating she should continue to speak.

"This is about me wanting more excitement and new adventures in my life... The sex... is secondary, really," Traci said.

Marcus grimaced.

"Remember before we got married, back to when you used to date. Remember how exciting and new everything seemed? You listened to your date, got to know her from her shoes up. Had new experiences together," she said.

"But we've been married 27 years, together for more than 28. We know every inch of each other—physically and mentally. Even when we do something new, it's still with the same person. I know how you're going to react, and you know how I will.

"I needed to feel new and alive. I needed new people to interact with intimately.

"I considered asking for your permission before I started, so I wouldn't be cheating since you would know, but that never seems to work out well for those I've heard who've tried that, so I figured I would just go ahead, and you and I could talk about it if it got to that point, like now.

"I know you love me, and once you think about this, I know you'll give it to me because you love me as much as I love you. I deserve this. I've been a good wife and mother..."

"I'm pretty sure I've been a good husband and father, but I would never assume that you should let me date other people because of that," Marcus interrupted.

Traci gritted her teeth at the interruption, then continued on as soon as Marcus finished his statement.

"This isn't about my love for you, baby, and it's certainly not about being in love with anybody else. I don't love any of them. It's just that you and I... got old, stale. I just needed... need the charge of new and exciting. At least for a while longer. Once I get my fill of new and exciting, I will again be yours... alone... forever. We can grow old and comfortable together then. We have plenty of time."

Traci looked at Marcus as if she was talking to a slow child. In turn, he looked at her as if she was some sort of monster.

"Marriage is a journey, Traci," Marcus said. "It starts out white hot with new feelings and experiences... and then eventually mellows into old and comfortable. Every step is an experience, the same way it is when you raise children.

"You trying to recreate new and exciting by sleeping with other men is just you trying to justify your cheating... and I won't put up with it."

"You won't put up with it?" she asked harshly, her anger flaring. "You don't own me. I can see who I want, when I want."

"No, I don't own you, but we made vows to each other, and you don't get to break them because you're bored. That's not how marriage works. If this is what you want, then you should have done the right thing and filed for divorce. Since you don't have the guts, I will file," Marcus yelled back.

"I don't want a divorce. I just want some time to sort things out," Traci rasped.

"No, you want to keep me around as a back-up plan. You're comfortable with me and want to go back to what we had once you've satisfied with your... vacation. Date some new guys, fuck a few, come back to boring old Marcus when you're done having your sabbatical, so to speak," Marcus said.

"We've been married for 27 years," Traci shrieked. "Don't I deserve a little consideration?"