Bhakti - A Zavnir Story

"The raiders killed her?"

"They're not sure. The house collapsed during the dust storm and the raiders set it on fire... and she hasn't been seen since."

"Is Richard doing alright?" Ray asked.

"I don't know. I haven't talked to him since..." Alys swallowed the words, unable to say them. Ray glanced down at her.

"Since when?" he asked gently.

"Since I asked him to give us a semen sample," she said. "Actually, the Assembly asked him to and I was the messenger."

She sat up, frustrated at how strangely off-topic that sounded. Ray watched her with a confused expression on his face.

"I joined him in the sampling room and sucked his dick. To help him, of course."

"Naturally," Ray said, a touch of amusement in his eyes. Alys glared at him.

"It's not funny, Ray. I fucked up my relationship with him. I... took it too far. He didn't want any kind of sexual relationship with me but I kept pushing his buttons and now..."

Now his wife is dead and he feels like shit and it's Alys' fault for getting him there. She huffed out a frustrated breath and flopped back down on the bed.

"I'm surprised he resisted you for so long. People usually stop having qualms about stuff like this around the third or forth day they're here," Ray mused.

"Actually, he still hasn't fucked me," Alys said. "So he's still resisting."

"No penetration?"

"No penetration, Doctor Ray," Alys said dryly.

"It's still such a big deal for him, huh." Ray looked thoughtful.

"And why is that?" Alys stared at the ceiling. "If he thought having sex with me would diminish his relationship with his 'wife,' then maybe their relationship wasn't that great in the first place."

"I'm sure he would readily fuck you if you said that to him," Ray said sarcastically.

Alys turned her glare back at him. She was no longer frustrated and lonely - it had been replaced with frustration and bitterness.

"I don't think he'll ever fuck me for reasons nobody will ever understand."

"Why is it that you're so desperate to sleep with him?" Ray asked.

"I am not desperate to sleep with him." Alys wasn't sure she even believed the words as she said them.

Ray narrowed his eyes down at her. "Seriously? You bounce between me and Brennan like a cat in heat every time your Valley man drops by, and you complain non-stop about his celibacy towards you. You honestly have the nerve to deny it?"

"You're the one who says Zavnirians don't like failure," Alys protested. "I am trying to understand why I have failed to convince him to be my bed mate."

"I'm beginning to think it's a bit more than that. You take his rejection a little too personally. Zavnirians dislike failure, true, but we are not infallible. Part of core education encourages acceptance of failure and learning from it," Ray said. "It sounds like you're refusing to accept failure."

"What are you trying to say?"

Ray sighed. "There's a personal reason why you're not willing to let this go. If you can admit to yourself why it's so important for Richard to have sex with you, you can stop being so tied up over him."

She fell silent. She thought of the times they had dinner together in the cafeteria hall. She pictured the little wrinkles around the corner of his eyes when he smiled, his face rough and weathered, his nose slightly off center, a scar marring the skin on his chin. It was far from the perfectly symmetrical faces of the typical Zavnirian, but it was interesting to look at. He would blush when she caught him staring at her; she knew that he was attracted to her. But he never, ever insinuated that he wanted to touch her.

He had someone who mattered to him, so he refused to have sex with her. Conversely, she wanted to have sex with him because she wanted to be someone that mattered to him.

Pure, simple jealousy. She gave a shuddering breath and rolled to her side, away from Ray who had drifted off to sleep. The rest of the logic rolled through without much effort - she wouldn't need Ray's help to talk through it, because she realized it by herself.

She was jealous because she'd fallen in love with the maintenance man from Salve Valley.

--

Richard sat on the grass on the plateau where he usually worked on cleaning air filters. He asked one of the Zavnirians if they could open doors for him so he could continue cleaning the filters. He explained that since he was there anyway, he might as well earn some more money. The guy he asked looked at him like he was crazy, but helped him in the end.

Sitting up at the top of the concrete wall surrounding the mountain-city helped, but it was still too close to the rest of the Salve Valley refugees. He could see the guest building and the fleet of beat-up vehicles he spends almost all his time tinkering. It was a constant reminder that Angela wasn't among them.

He closed his eyes and breathed in a lungful of filtered air. Then opened his eyes when he heard a crinkle behind him. A wave of deja-vu hit him.

Richard sighed and turned to see Alys standing there with a bag. She shook it and he saw her pale lashes dip low to her cheeks as she looked down at the bag.

"Granola bars," she said simply.

He swallowed and turned back to look out over the plateau. He had not seen her since he and Sarge brought everyone to Zavnir. At that point everyone was busy trying to reorganize their life and she was busy helping with medical emergencies. A selfish part of him hoped that he wouldn't have to see her again or deal with the memory of what they did.

"What did you need from me?" he finally asked when he knew she didn't leave.

"They told me you weren't eating very well. I thought I would give you some granola bars."

"Maybe that isn't such a good idea," he said. His hands curled into fists beside him. "The last time you offered me granola bars, it didn't turn out so well for me."

He heard her sigh. "It's just food, Richard. You don't need to tie any sort of experience with it."

"Is that what you do? You're able to compartmentalize? Every moment is its own thing, every person separate from others." He tossed her a cold look over his shoulder. "Is that how you're able to be so shameless?"

"What are you talking about?"

The fury that had been smoldering in his chest for days grew hotter. "Do you feel like you won something? Now that Angela's dead? I heard you were asking around."

"Why don't you turn around and speak to me properly instead of avoiding my eye like a fucking coward," she said. Her voice was suddenly a lot closer.

Richard instinctively stood to stop her from wandering too close to the edge, but then wanted to shoot himself for it. Why should he care that she didn't have a safety harness on? Why did the idea of her falling off the edge terrify him?

"And if you want to call me a desperate whore, why don't you do it properly instead of doing that polite double speak?"

It was the first time he's seen her that angry. He didn't care. The ire made her cheeks pink and her lush mouth twist down, her chest heaving with heated breaths. He didn't care.

"Fine. if you think I'll jump in your pants right now, you're wrong," he said.

"That's a cute little fantasy you've written for yourself. Sorry to disappoint. I'm just here to give you granola bars." She shook the bag and enunciated 'granola bars' deliberately slowly.

"And you think I believe that shit? You were here to test the waters, you're here to see if you could prod me into taking my dick out like last time. Just like every other time you talk to me or do something for me. What other reason could it be, given your history with me?"

"Maybe it's because I care about you?" she said incredulously. "Because I don't want you to starve yourself to death? I was your guide long before I had your dick in my mouth."

"You caring about me has always been and always will be a means to an end," Richard spat. "Look at me, Alys. Nothing about me is genetically engineered. I'll probably age twice as fast as the people in here because of the Wastelands. I'm expected to believe you care about something like this?" He motioned down his body impatiently."You know what I think? I think you think I'm a novelty. Some organic piece of meat for you to toy with. And you're just annoyed I said 'no.'"

Alys reared back. Fuck, the look on her face almost made him feel like he had physically hit her.

"I never thought that about you."

"Then why?" he demanded. "Why say and do all that shit?"

"B-because," she said, visibly swallowing. "I love you."

He stared at her. "No, you don't," he said.

"How do you know?"

"Are you people even capable of it?"

Her eyes widened. She looked like he hit her again but they weren't even close enough to touch. A long silent moment passed, then Alys left without saying another word.

She didn't answer him - he didn't expect her to have an answer. Zavnir was an utopian city of free love and so it begged the question: what exactly is her love even worth?

He stared at the bag of granola bars she left on the grass. For a long while, he couldn't bring himself to touch them.

--

Alys messaged Ray on her PD to call him down to Brennan's room. She wanted to forget about the whole conversation she had with Richard. Having both Brennan and Ray at the same time usually stopped her from thinking for a while.

But as Ray followed her to the front of Brennan's pod, she could hear moans coming on the other side of the door. She punched in the entry code and the door slid open to show Brennan balls deep in a woman on his bed. Alys briefly spotted her face and recognized her as one of the refugees from Salve Valley.

Before either of them noticed, Alys and Ray quietly stepped out and closed the door behind them. Ray shot her an amused look.

"Didn't want to join them?" he teased.

She didn't answer, just blankly stood in the hall while listening to Brennan rail into the woman.

"Yeah, cum on my cock," she could hear him say through the door. The woman moaned as wet slapping sounds grew louder and faster.

"Alys?"

Feeling numb, she looked at Ray. His pants were starting to tent at the noises growing more incessant. The woman gasped out her impending orgasm and Brennan's voice encouraged her.

"Ray, are we capable of love?" she suddenly asked.

"Uh, yes," Ray said. He answered her seriously despite his obvious arousal. "We are capable of the full range of human emotion. We are still human, biologically and psychologically."

"Then why do we not love one another?" she asked.

"We do love one another," Ray said. He deliberately glanced at Brennan's door. More wet smacks sounded inside his room. Alys winced at the sound and felt a wave of nausea wash over her. She had to move away from the door further down the hall to hear it less viscerally.

"I don't mean like that."

"Alys, did something happen between you and Richard?"

She whirled around to look at Ray. Was she really that obvious? But she stubbornly refused to tell. She pressed her mouth into a thin line.

"Do you love me?" she asked.

Ray froze at her question, an expression she isn't able to decipher crossing his face. When the silence stretched too long and her chest hurt from waiting, she added desperately, "Tell me you love me."

His handsome features softened and he reached for her. He held her in a warm embrace and rumbled in her hair. "I love you."

Alys held him close; she felt his erection pressing against her belly. She could still hear Brennan pounding into the Salve Valley woman in his room. She felt nothing when Ray said the words - she realized it wasn't because she didn't believe them; it may be true that Ray held a kind of love for her. Gentle Ray who listened to her rants. Patient Ray who was always there for her. But tomorrow she could find him tangled with another woman the way Brennan was and she wouldn't care.

That was the missing piece that made Richard different from her. It was the thing she wasn't able to offer him and the thing he wasn't able to give up.

Devotion.

--

Richard counted the hours before they would leave Zavnir. He used to hate having to count down to something. It always made him feel so much more mortal, more temporary in the world, as if he was whittling away his time on Earth by waiting. But he had to leave the god-forsaken mountain before he lost his mind, so he didn't mind counting.

By tomorrow they would have their supplies stocked, their vehicles fixed and upgraded; those with mild injuries would be healthy enough to travel. The two severely injured would stay until they were fully healed. Those who formerly lived in Salve Valley would return to being nomads for a while, until they found another valley where they could settle. The Assembly at Zavnir agreed to help as long as they stayed in contact and within travel distance. Richard didn't like the metaphorical leash placed on Sarge, but at the moment they had no home. They had no choice.

Richard looked around the courtyard. Several of Sarge's men were loading the trucks with special alloy sheets they would use for shelter or re-purpose for parts. It was a sturdy material that was surprisingly light so they wouldn't waste fuel carrying it. Generators, water supplies, food rations and ammunition would be loaded next. Sarge had spent the last few days heatedly negotiating with the Assembly to get as much as he could get. Along with Richard's earnings, they had more than enough to travel enough distance to find their next settlement spot.

A few members of the Zavnirian medical team stored medical supplies for them, one of them explaining to the Valley people what various bottles of pills were. One of the Zavnirians was a tall, broad-shouldered man with bronzed skin. Richard recognized him as one of the doctors that helped save their most wounded - he also recognized him as Ray, one of Alys' bed mates.

He was immediately filled with shame when he found himself recognizing the handsome man. The memory of that video was burned into his mind. Richard decided it was best to act as if he didn't know who he was. They had never met before, after all.

Richard helped load the sheets of alloy metal and worked with Sarge's men to figure out the ideal configuration of additional supplies. He was about to grab his toolkit to give the trucks a last look-over when he found Ray waiting for him in the make-shift garage.

Unsure about what to do, Richard gave the Zavnirian a wary nod and moved to get his bag without a word.

"You must be Richard," Ray said.

"Yes," Richard kept his expression blank. "And you are?"

"Ray. I'm Alys' friend."

Friend. "Pleased to meet you." Richard reached out and shook the Zavnirian's hand. "You look like that and you're a doctor? They really do make them different here."

To Richard's surprise, Ray threw his head back and laughed. "Oh, now I understand why our Alys is so enamored with you."

"Was there something you needed?" Richard tried not to stiffen at Alys' name being said again. He opened his tool bag to check its contents, then knotted it at its canvas handles and hoisted it to his shoulder. "Because if not, I gotta - "

"Are you going to say goodbye to her?" Ray asked.

Richard studied the other man. Alys had said that Ray was the 'nicer' one. It was true that the video featuring him showed him to be much more gentle with Alys. Richard thought the other man, Brennan, seemed to enjoy using Alys like a piece of meat. He pushed the memory of the videos far into the back of his mind. He had no purpose for them anymore.

"I think I've said all I needed to say to her," Richard said.

"Hmm. Perhaps you've said more than was needed," Ray said thoughtfully. "She's been terribly upset about something. You are the only person who's able to do that to her."

"I guess she tells you everything about me," Richard said. He tried not to sound sullen - there was no room in his brain to sort out why he didn't like that idea.

"She does."

"Well did she tell you about how she'd been trying to get us to fuck ever since we first met?"

"Of course. People usually come here to fuck," Ray shrugged. "Rare for someone to refuse. Of course she would talk about it."

"Then did she tell you how she came to me knowing my wife had died?" Richard set the bag of tools and crossed his arms over his chest. "I simply told her I didn't appreciate how she's taking advantage of my situation."

"Did she approach you offering sex?" Ray asked softly.

"Not explicitly," Richard said.

"What exactly did she do?"

Richard gave a frustrated gesture at the stupid answer on his lips. "Granola bars. She was offering food."

"Then she was simply offering food. I'm afraid you've misunderstood her."

"Really? It was a coincidence she approached me, alone, putting on sympathetic airs just days after finding out my wife died?" Richard shoved a hand through his hair. "And she's your bed mate, of course you'll help her."

Ray's beautiful mouth twisted into a wry smile. "Of course, I'm biased to my own people. You can choose not to believe me. But Alys isn't well versed in social or emotional manipulation. All her life, if she wanted to fuck someone, all she had to do was ask. If Alys was offering you food, she had no ulterior motives."

"I think you underestimate your little bed mate, doctor," Richard said. "She managed to convince me to give you guys a 'semen sample'. Prefacing it with a long debate over monogamy. If that isn't manipulation, I don't know what is."

"But she did ask a point blank question?"

"Yes."

"And you agreed to it."

God help him. "Yeah."

"Then perhaps you should try taking responsibility for your own actions," Ray said, his eyes narrowing.

"I wanted to," Richard snapped at him. "I was going to go home and tell my wife. I was going to confess being an utter monster for betraying her. She was gonna find out, in painful detail, just how weak I am. Now I can't do that."

Devastation gripped at his heart. Richard found a dusty storage box at the side of the garage and sank down on it, slipping his hands down his face.

"I just lost my wife and Alys comes around claiming that she loves me. She shouldn't have done that," Richard said.

"Perhaps," Ray said. "What exactly did you say to her?"

"I asked her if she was even capable of love."

Ray's gaze on him turned cool. "I see."

"I... maybe that was unfair of me. But you don't say things like that to someone who just lost someone they love," Richard said, frustration edging into his voice.

"Loving your wife doesn't mean you must be cruel to Alys," Ray said. "Even if you are grieving."

Richard snapped his gaze to the other man, then glanced down to the dirt floor. The Zavnirian was right, but it didn't matter anymore. Tomorrow he'd leave this all behind.

"I'll be out of your lives soon." Richard gave a resolved huff and stood, brushing off his pants. "You can tell Alys I'm sorry I said those things, if you think it'll help."

"I'm not going to tell Alys we had this conversation," Ray said.

"Then what was the whole point of this?"

Ray hesitated. "She asked me to tell her I loved her last night. She's never done that before."

"Did you?"

"Yes, I did."

"And do you?"

The Zavnirian held a ghost of a smile on his lips. "I do. Even if she doesn't believe me."

In a city of free love, what was love even worth? Richard had no idea. But in that moment, he thought he caught a glimpse of it in Ray's eyes. It was the whole reason why they were talking in the first place.

"I'll go and say goodbye to her," Richard finally said. "Will you take me to her?"

--

Alys opted to stay in her room that day to finish her work at her computer. The small room felt stuffy so she had the holographic screens beside her bed to pretend to be a window out off the side of the mountain. She could almost feel the breeze sweeping by the neat rows of crops and the warmth of the sun that perpetually stayed in one spot in the sky. Almost.