Bianhua Ch. 05

Bianhua Part 5

Discoveries causing new directions

It was after dinner when Suling quietly asked to talk to me in private. Suling's black hair hung down close to her face heading towards her soft shoulders. Like all Chinese females who had moved to America her frame had developed some curves that made her appearance outstanding.

Her soft light blue eyes which had always been a beacon to her soul reflected her true feelings about me, so I knew if I looked directly into them, they would reveal much of her hidden truths. The softness of her completion and lips were inviting.

At five foot seven, she was an eye-catching beauty. She always walked, talked, and acted with a touch of class that she had been raised with. Her cultural mannerisms would seem different here in America but only if you took the time to see them. With the changes in her diet, life had turned into something she would never have been if she had stayed in China.

She had grown a nice set of breasts and had some meat on her hips giving her some curves caused by the additional fats she was taking into her body. Her voice still held a softness that could draw most in, but she still refused to allow anyone to get close to her. Her walk-in life like me had left it hard for us to blindly trust anyone. They had to earn it and that took close contact and time. Even in childhood, it had taken me months to get her to open to me.

At first, when we had met as mere children, she had always talked in the third person. For her, at that time it seemed to give her a layer of protection. It took getting to know her situation at the time to understand why. She did not want those who she did not know or trust that she was the one having all the problems.

There was no doubt that the little caterpillar had evolved to become a beautiful, majestic butterfly. One that still stood apart from all others. Suling would have had no problem in finding someone to share her life with if growing up had been normal like most children.

The last private conversation we had was back on the night she was letting me know that all her family was being forced to leave China because they had been deemed undesirable. The government had believed them to be of no value to their country and had eagerly allowed them to go.

That night she had left me in tears because we both had known it was not her desire to go. She had wanted to stay with me because of our emotional attachment to each other was that strong. Before that night was over, I had learned that she had seen me as her husband and the father to all her children.

We both knew we were too young and that it was not meant to be. I told her when she said they were all going to America that in time I would find my way there too. I now understood that she had always believed I would find her and had been waiting for my arrival.

We walked together towards the edge of the plateau after changing to watch the dance of the flames come alive as the sunset behind the mountain in the west. Our frames were so close together that they felt they were together. I knew from what I sensed that she was trying to find the words she felt she needed to say to me.

Suling was surprised to see how fast the sunset in the valley as the sun began its fall behind the west side of the mountain. Darkness came to the valley quickly when the traces of the sunlight shrunk as it quickly climbed up the mountainside to the east until it was gone. The more daylight shrunk the more the dance of the flames below came alive. It was as if the world in front of us was transforming right before us.

We were blessed for we were sharing a moment of silence as we took in the dance of the reflection of the gas-burning flames growing in brightness as the darkness filled the space. Their effect is being reflected in the darkness of the land.

Suling took my hand holding it tight as if she had something to say but seemed to be waiting for the right moment. It felt that her hand was right where it had always belonged. I heard her whisper to herself 'it's truly that beautiful.'

Between the two of us returned the sense of contentment and peace that we had always shared as we were growing up. It was showing me that the feeling, desires, and emotions that we had shared in youth were still present. It gave me an idea of what to expect.

Ever since we had been little grasshoppers the closeness between us had been a bond forged out of steel. It made me realize that this bond between us that once broken would always leave us feeling incomplete. For both of us this moment was a reminder of what we meant to each other back then and now.

There was a slight breeze blowing across the flat which made the pattern of the reflection of light come alive as if it had a new sense of freedom. A couple of the burning gas flames got passed through by those tiny twisters that can be seen on a hot summer day. It created for the moment a pattern of light on the land that was quite unique.

"I can stand and watch this for hours," I said. "Each night seems to develop its own pattern. It seems to have a way of clearing things that race through my mind."

"Your adopted father, the master," Suling said. "Is a thinker who looks for the logic in all things. Everything had to have structure, balance, and a reason for being. I see a lot of him in you. You, like him, are a man who walks alone in the solitude of your reasoning."

"He is a wise man," I replied. "It allowed him to foresee certain events before they happened and take the steps to make sure what took place did not affect his overall plan for his life."

"Dirk, Mom, and Dad told me that they had talked to Alana and you about me," Suling said. "I wish they hadn't because they have seemed to have read the situation wrong. Because of our walk-in life, it's been hard for them to grasp my feelings."

"That I can understand, after all, they missed a lot of your formative years while you were growing up" I replied while waiting for an explanation. "Their thoughts are based on what you told them, what they heard, and what they believe. I have wondered if they discerned what you were saying or just heard. It sounds like you have not been completely honest to yourself or them."

"Dirk, let me be completely honest," Suling said softy. "nǐ yǒng yuǎn shì wǒ wéi yī de yí gè" which means you will always be my only one in Chinese. "I have always loved you and always will."

When she said that I began to see what was about to happen. Suling was going to use me to try to convince herself that what she felt, believed, and knew was not real.

"From the first time you heard me weeping as I hid beside the pond behind the temple," Suling said. "I knew that you had been sent to me, to guide me through the difficult years. You were the physical that came in answer to my prayers. You are and always will be my rock. I can see a lot of God-like qualities in you because you have been the foundation on which I built my life."

"You were and still are the complete opposite of my cousin Lui Wei," Suling said as she continued. "In you, I saw all that was good, in Lui Wei I saw and faced the evil daily. You taught me to resist and overcome by separating myself mentally from the situation. You gave me strength when I had none."

"You have always walked with a maturity that was beyond your years," Suling said. "It took my coming to America to understand how old souled you actually are. Mom and Dad believe it is because you keep the traditions of the old world and it is reflected in everything you do. They fail to understand that like your adopted father, the master you see our reality with a different eye than most."

"You speak with wisdom little sister," I said. "I did not fully understand it either until Alana came into my life. Her parents have always said she walked with the heartbeat of a different drummer. She taught me that what I am as a man in a lot of ways is quite unique. Until she came into my life, I thought it was something everyone had. She, beside you, is the only person who accepted me as I am. Every day we share things with each other. These things naturally draw us in further. In ways, it seems we can communicate without talking."

"Alana's approach to people can seem a bit abrasive, to those who don't understand her," Suling said. "Just as abrasive as you used to be. Learning tack has mellowed you out. At first, until I got to know and understand you, I feared you because your insights and views of things were so completely counter to what I knew to be social norms. That is how differently you have always walked. Together the two of you bring a bit of softness out of the other. I feel that the two of you compliment the other."

"That explains why her parents feel that she has changed," I said. "Thank you for pointing that fact out. The Master, my adopted father always believed that when you found your true soul mate then as a human you would become a completely different person because both would walk with the same heartbeat."

"I tried to tell my parents that it was what I saw in you as a man," Suling said. "That I wanted from the man with whom I will build a relationship. I guess I did not get them to understand. It's further complicated because in their eyes I should already be married to a man of our culture with three or four little ones tagging behind me."

"So, when talking to me and Alana, they were taking a leap of faith," I said. "Hoping that my sense of duty, honor, and respect of the old ways would force me to go along with their wishes of seeing you with children."

"It was complicated by me with Alana because I guess I did not explain well enough just what my thinking was," Suling said. "That perhaps was caused by my speaking two languages during the conversations because I failed to realize that her grasp of our native language was nonexistent. I hope that you will forgive me for any problems I may have created."

"A little advice," I said. "Remember to mention that it's the sù zhì (qualities) that you see in me that you want in a man. That one little word expresses so much and leaves no room for confused thinking."

"Dirk," Suling added, "If I can't find that man soon it would not be hard for me to go along with what my parents wanted. After all, that was our original plan. It would always be an honor to me to carry and bear your children. Until we left for America that was my lifelong dream."

Suling's honesty did not surprise me but the strength of her words did because it showed what had always been in her heart. Her words took me back to my adopted father, the master who passed on his wisdom about what he had observed about Suling and me.

"Suling is a passive submissive in nature. Your guidance is allowing her to become more balanced in her approach to life. It is allowing her to become more than what she was meant to be. You are not only her brother in her heart," he said. "But the one who was meant to be her soulmate. Her love for you is so deep and pure that she would lay down her life for you. I see that in you also because you naturally protect her in every way you can. The two of you are so close that you are each part of each other's second nature. If it were a different time you would be an Emperor and she would be your wife."

"In looking for a long-term relationship be sure to be open to different things," I said. "It was hard for me to grasp. I still find it difficult at times not too harshly speak out when I feel that someone is doing something so stupid because of their lack of knowledge of how things work."

"Remember the time we found the two doves procreating," Suling said. "I wanted to rush in and disturb them, but you stopped me because you saw it as a normal function. As you said you have to see it from their eyes and respect their life as it is."

"We were still quite young then. It seems like a lifetime ago," I said. "Now I would have said let's not disturb the balance of things."

Suling looked at me as if she were coming to a new understanding of things. After a few more minutes of silence as we watched the reflection of the flames on the flats down below, she spoke.

"That was Satan's first sin, he was affecting the balance that God had created between all things," Suling said. "Adam and Eve at that time walked with the same understanding as all living things."

"And since that time everyone in the world has been trying to find what God took away when he removed his blessing on the earth," I said in agreement with her thought. "Not understanding or seeing that it is only God that can restore what we all have lost. Most don't understand that it's man's own conduct each day that proves just how unworthy we are of it."

I guess Suling saw a smile on my face because she asked, "What thought brought that out?"

"I never understood until this moment that when God created Adam and Eve that he had created a brother and sister who would mate and have children who would do the same. Today it would be considered as taboo and not acceptable. It just shows how little we understand about what God's original purpose was."

"God if that ever came out and became public can you imagine the problem it would create for those who proclaim their religious scholars," Suling said. "It would force them to reevaluate everything they believe."

"Suling would you do anything you knew would bring harm to any member of your family," I asked? I asked that question because it laid down the foundation of what love is."

"There is a natural tendency to protect our family from day one," Suling said. "Because in a way we are one. It supplies a balance that I never saw before. Do you think mankind knows that?"

"No, because they would never see or understand that until we as humans find a way to bring a balance to all things in life, that all our efforts to make the world a better place as a collective is wasted," I said. "For those like you and I who know we can only live life trying to bring that balance to those whom we love."

Suling moved closer to me so that our bodies were touching. It was then that I began to sense that there was more going on at that moment than what I had perceived.

"Each living and breathing creature contains the same ingredient that provides us all with life," I started to clarify. "Without it, our existence comes to an end. Few understand the importance of blood."

"Dirk every man who shows an interest in me automatically gets compared to you and fails to measure up," Suling said in complete honesty. "You have always set standards for yourself that far exceed others."

Suling at that moment got a look on her face that displayed her unconditional love. I knew at that moment that from now on I would always have to use discernment with her. Her love for me was as pure as the freshly fallen snow on the mountain. Everything I said from that point on would have to be done with protecting my relationship with her.

The Master, my adopted father had stressed that in our walk-in life the greatest challenge that came every day was how to get through it without doing any harm. I now saw what he said in a new light.

Love was meant to be expressed, encouraged, nurtured, and protected when given freely from one to another. Suling although her speech was expressing one line of thought, her mind, body, and heart were speaking another.

The master had made it quite clear that what we heard, what we listened to, and believed could be changed by what we perceive. It is only by looking at one's long-term conduct concerning their lifestyle that could the truth be seen. How one conducted oneself in relation to other humans' behavior exposed the real person hidden inside.

Alana was right. For most of my life, Suling had stood by me. Suling would never feel complete as a woman until she was my wife. Her desire for that was so strong that she would wait until either she or Alana passed away for it to come. Publicly she would never admit it because it was her burden in life to carry. It raised questions inside of me that I knew would take weeks of deep thinking to sort out.

I locked eyes with Suling, her eyes were so revealing. I guess mine was that way to her because she began to blush. For a moment she lowered her head to avoid looking at me as if she did not want me to see it.

I was thinking that she was beginning to see through my eyes what I knew. Suling was looking at me in a way that made it clear in her eyes I was the one she had chosen to be her one.

"I was trying to diffuse the situation. I thought I had put my dreams for us behind me. Then the night of the prom only made them that much stronger," Suling admitted honestly. "By the look on your face and the depth coming through your eyes, I see that I have failed. Alana said I could try but it would not work. I guess we proved her right. It is further complicated because Fen has been in love with Alana for months."

"Does Alana know that Fen feels that way?" I asked.

"Not that I am aware of," Suling said. "Fen has been busy researching on the role of what a consort is supposed to do. According to what she has learned you have built your home wrong because you don't have rooms for her and me on both sides of the master bedroom. Some of the historical textbooks make it clear that many throughout the years that they were long term lovers behind the doors of those they served."

With the truth now out, I knew I had to tread very carefully because my relationship with two women was now going to have to be treated with delicacy. Suling and Fen were expecting relationships based on what they were learning not on what they knew.

"Across the valley where the iron ore is being mined out is where we will be making large volumes of scotch in the space that is being created. They are mining twenty-four hours a day to speed up the process," I said trying to change the direction of our chat. "I will begin working shortly on the office building and equipment building we will need along with a few spaces for a residential living component for when that company is established."

"Towards the current office building we are building a new subdivision," I said. "David is in discussion with the county about building a small eight classroom school. We want a grocery store, a gas station, and all things that are needed in a small community. We figure by the time it is all set up we will have a population of about three thousand. David is requesting that when the school is complete that you be put in as its principal."

Suling had a smile on her face that seemed like it was a mile wide. I guess my words conveyed that I wanted her in the long term close to me.

"I guess Alana has explained to you that nothing will be decided until after we have wed," I said. "When this all first came up, we agreed to firmly establish our relationship first."

"Yes, and why! We are already discussing how our relationship as sister wives might work out if you decided it was in your heart to accept it. With you and I being older Alana and I agreed that if what we both want comes to be it will be an equal relationship between us three." Suling said. "As Alana explained there are a few things that you have to work out for yourself before anything can be decided."

"In the Zen teaching one of our greatest quests is finding the way to walk through life doing no harm," I said. "Alana because she is and always will be the love of my life, will have a say in everything I do. She wants to push our marriage up and has begun applying pressure on her parents."

"Alana is more than ready to assume the position of being one of your partners in the walk of life and is already talking about carrying your firstborn. Fen says it's all she talks about when they are at school," Suling said. "I told her that I thought that you both should wait until the truth of what was behind your parents' death came out."